LOVE WORKS DAILY 04/20/07 - FREEDOM AND INSECURITY

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Apr 20, 2007, 6:20:06 PM4/20/07
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LOVE WORKS DAILY 04/20/07 - FREEDOM AND INSECURITY
 

In this month of new beginnings, and blooming
and blossoming, I wish you all the best of Love!
 
 
INSPIRATIONAL MOMENT:
(Great Thoughts By History's Inspired Thinking Men and Women)
 
At the heart of meditation are concentration and inquiry. When you
cultivate these two qualities, you develop your ability to be quiet and
clear, to offer understanding and love.
 
-Martine Bachelor, "Meditation for Life"
 
 
 
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
(Brand New and Classic Love Works Essays 2001-2007)
 
This morning I am going to respond to question from a reader,
as well as discuss a related concept provided independently by another.
 
Thanks to those who wrote with these ideas.
 
The question was first submitted in 2003...and today I am
surprised how it seems to mean just as much if not more to me....
I added just a few bits to maybe make it make a little more sense,
but the question is one that couples in particular face at
some point in their relationships....
 
Hold On Loosely...and one can feel unloved....
Hold On Tightly...and one can feel smothered...
 
So, on to the question....
 
The question I was asked was "What is the difference between
Freedom and Insecurity?"
 
Specifically, "How can you offer one person "what you would like the
relationship to be" and it is freedom, but if you offer what you would like the
relationship to be" it is insecurity?"
 
Here's one swipe at it. And I realize that the specific part of the
question won't make complete sense to all of you, but here goes.
(Note here: If you write me a situation related question for LOVE
WORKS, I will not share details of the situation with the group, only
try, as best possible, to address the question from my perspective)
 
It is my opinion that the difference between an offer of FREEDOM and
a created feeling of INSECURITY is the honest expression of ATTITUDE AND
INTENT -AND - a persons actual ability to manage his emotional or mental
state in which to do so, or hear what is actually being said.
 
For example, the old saying "If you love someone, set them free, If
they come back......"
 
The truly LOVING someone part is the part that tells your "BRAIN" to set
them free.....That is our intent and attitude. We WANT our loved ones
to feel free and have choices. We want them to chose to be with another
if that is in their best interest. We want them to chose a relationship
with us that is comfortable and most honestly reflects their feelings.
We INTEND to act in a way that supports that.
 
You want them to chose you because they WANT to,  not because they
feel obligated or trapped.
 
 We WANT to act in a way
that supports that.
We OFFER FREEDOM to them because we WANT them to feel extra LOVED by the
offer.
 
That doesn't always happen.  "I want you to feel free to..." will often translate to....
"Oh God, our relationship is
in trouble.  HE wants to see other people.  What did I do wrong?"
 
The offer of freedom may honestly just be an attempt to assure
that SHE are taking the best care of herself...Even if that
isn't by being with him.  Not at all that HE doesn't WANT to be with
her. Just that he wants her to be sure and that is in her
best interest, and a good, healthy thing to do.
 
The truly REALISTIC part is that we are all rather fragile human beings
with emotions and fears and insecurities. And unfortunately, that HUMAN
part of us, will draw them close, and take away those choices.
The insecure part NEEDS the other person to be a certain way, NEEDS them
to spend a certain amount of time (or all of it with us), NEEDS to be
assured that they will not go away, that they will always love us and
fight for us, and not let US go away.
 
No matter how evolved, or how much work you have done to reduce the
control of this part, it still has a grip on you, and will always have
a grip on you to some degree.
 
I think both sides have their place in our relationships, we SHOULD
offer FREEDOM, and we should provide a blanket of SECURITY.
 
We have to acknowledge that although we would LIKE to offer freedom (and
be offered freedom), that we would also like to offer security (and be
offered security).
 
One of them being an fundamental ideal - FREEDOM.
The other being a fundamental emotional need - SECURITY.
 
And there is a balance. And that balance is quite different from person
to person.
 
With one person you may FEEL secure in the first place, and thus can
offer FREEDOM. With another person you may FEEL insecure in the first
place, and REQUIRE structure and safety.
 
Sometimes you need more of one, for awhile...and sometimes you need
more of the other.
 
The trick is figuring out the right balance.
 
I clearly acknowledge the two sides in myself, I have the
"strongest desire" for those I love to have freedom and choice and
happiness....and the much less secure "secret desire" to draw them
close and be reassured and limit that freedom and choice.
 
My "secret desire" parts are realities. They are how I feel, and from
a selfish perspective, I want them to all be true. I want to eliminate
the insecurities of others, and have my own insecurities
eliminated.
 
I secretly desire to get everything MY WAY.
It is LOVE, as long as the details are what I want.
 
Sometimes, not so secretly.
 
My "strongest desire" parts are also realities. They are how I feel,
and from a much less selfish perspective, I want them all to be true.
I want to provide an environment of freedom, of choice, and
I WANT to stay in, and provide
for, a state of "LOVING DETACHMENT". I really do! Love without
expectation...A beautiful and wonderful ideal.
 
I strongly desire for it to all go THEIR WAY.
 
It is LOVE, regardless of the details.
 
Sometimes, no so strongly.
 
The secret desire and strongest (most true) desire parts are always
battling.
 
I think they are always battling in everyone.
 
I'm sure we can all think of times where we felt very secure and could
offer tons of FREEDOM, and other times when we felt so insecure that
we felt the strong need to take much of that FREEDOM away.
 
Right now, that's a wide swing from day to day for me.
One day I can offer freedom, the next I have a "secret desire" to be
reassured and feel secure.
One day I can accept freedom, the next I get "panicky", insecure and
REQUIRE safety and security.
 
I wish I could do "Loving Detachment"
 
I try. I believe in it. It is my ideal.
 
But it is SO difficult!
 
I am so attached to my outcomes!!!!
I'm hooked on getting the instant gratification. (For those who will
get this....I want my donut now!!! whether it's good for me or not.
I'm not always satisfied just looking at donut shops on the way by.)
 
I want it to go MY WAY.....but I want it to also be the BEST THING
for the other person!!!
 
Two sides of a coin called Tim.....
 
and I think two sides of most of us.
 
At least, that's how I see it today.
 
Here's hoping that you are able to balance FREEDOM and SECURITY in your
life today.
 

Love In Thought! Love In Word! Love In Action!
 
Love To You Today!
 
 
 
"May we endeavor today to increase our understanding and appreciation of
what others have given and contributed to us. And develop constant,
mindful consideration of how our thoughts and actions will BENEFICIALLY
CONTRIBUTE to others"
 
The best to you today in discovering the answers to life's difficult
questions!
 
 
 
A Final Thought:
 
Love is always the right thing to do. Even if it isn't the easiest
thing to do.
 
May we have compassion for the struggles of others, wisdom to
acknowledge our own, and courage to address them both every day.
 
Respectfully,
Tim
 

This is a daily newsletter of LOVE WORKS DAILY:
A collective of individuals of different beliefs and
backgrounds, dedicated to a better world by living LOVE in thought,
word and action. Compassion. Wisdom. Courage.
 
 

Or read us on the web:
http://loveworks.ebloggy.com/
 
 
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Peace be with you.
 
Adapted LOVE WORKS DAILY 04/13/03
(c)2007 T.Thomas Henry
 
 
 
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