LOVE WORKS DAILY 05/04/07 - JUST A HUMAN

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May 3, 2007, 6:39:17 PM5/3/07
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LOVE WORKS DAILY 05/04/07 - JUST A HUMAN
 

May is here, and love is in the air...well, actually
Love is always in the air...if you just take the time
to stop and breathe some in!  Love to you!
 
 
INSPIRATIONAL MOMENT:
(Great Thoughts By History's Inspired Thinking Men and Women)
 
If you wish for light, be ready to receive light.
Nourish your ego and be deprived of light.
If you wish to find a way out of this prison,
do not turn away;
bow down in worship and draw near.
 
-Rumi, "Mathnawi"
 
TIM's BLOG
(Random Thoughts and Tim's Daily World):
 
Interesting. Interesting. 
 
Today, I repeat another older Love Works...this one
once again about the fragile nature of being human.
 
Last week, I wrote about being diagnosed and prescribed.
Little did the person know that I have spent 40 years being
diagnosed and prescribed...and his version was nothing new.
 
The following was one of the most personal that I have written
since this thing started.  Reading back, it's all still true.
 
No drugs and major hiding out,  and no running away in recent
years,  but the mechanisms are still there...it could happen
again....happily for me life is good.   Someone is smiling
on me!
 
But I have been there...and back....
 
Here's a glimpse of my journey...and a peak into my
brain....
 
Ah, a movie title...Being Tim Henry.
 
Could win an Oscar, you can never tell.
 
 
 
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
(Brand New and Classic Love Works Essays 2001-2007)
 
This may come as a big surprise to all you faithful readers, but I
your author and list owner, am not perfect.
 
Many of the things I write about are my ideals. They are the things I
believe, and would like to live in my life.
 
But, alas, (deep sigh here), I am a weak and fragile human being.
 
When I face a very strong unwanted emotion....I HIDE.
Whether it's fear or shame or insecurity or whatever....I hide. I also
suffer from a panic disorder that can make these events very much more
common.
 
Usually this causes the people in my life to react
in a way that makes the situation worse or makes them feel vulnerable or
insecure or responsible (after which I experience the emotion even
stronger and starts the cycle again).
 
Here are the ways I hide:
 
ONE:
 
The first way I hide is I go and internally hide from the emotion at the
time or until morning. I speak about the feelings some when someone
insists I do, but otherwise just hide from them by not talking about
them.
 
I don't have to confront the emotion "right that minute" I don't have to
act on the emotion, right that minute. This part feels OK.
 
More and more, I have learned to talk more, and act less.
 
TWO:
 
The second phase of hiding is to "physically hide".
I lock myself away in a room or a place, I try to let the person I'm
with know that's what I'm doing and I need to do it, within a few
minutes or a few hours or sometimes even a couple days, I come out and
face the world with something constructive.
 
Again...I have been reassured, this is just fine and dandy...actually
quite healthy solution for some people, as long as people around you
know what is going on and the duration is reasonably short ( a short
refreshing hibernation ), of sorts.
 
THREE (here comes trouble):
 
The third way, after the first two have failed to reduce the emotional
impact to what I perceive to be
a manageable level is to "kill the dog". I use that
term to describe, "eliminate the immediate cause of my distress".
 
One time, a few years ago, I just went to work and shut down our
business. Closed it for good. That was it! Done!
I've done that with MANY MANY friendships and relationships. When the
first two phases of hiding doesn't cure it, I "remove" the source.
Sometimes, I've gone back and fixed it, other times I've removed the
person or situation permanently. When the going gets tough, I start
running, and I take no prisoners and make no apologies. I used to
refer to this as my "misery index", when it got too high, I dumped the
misery and hit the door.
 
I have ended performing music with a band (because the
drugs being passed about and behavior of the people on drugs caused me
grief). I didn't continue with a different band....I sold my
drums...and ran.
 
I have ended friendships over a single misunderstood word.
 
I am making a SERIOUS effort to stop doing this!
 
Phases four and five, after having succumb to the shame of letting the
emotion "get me" AND/OR having successfully eliminated the source (in my
mind)..are one of these two things or both...
 
FOUR (big trouble now):
 
I pour on the (in)appropriate chemicals to ease the "grieving process"
 
FIVE (kaboom!!!)
 
I have a long withdrawal from life and the people and situations
(sometimes aided by those chemicals).
 
During periods of my life (in the quite distant past at this point), I
have not come out of my room or my bed for months at a time (frightened
to even walk down the street to get the mail), and have used enough
drugs and alcohol at times to not know where I was, what day it was,
or even who I was with or how I got there, or what behavior I had
exhibited with those people.
 
And to top all of this off, I have usually successfully hid all this
from all but the closest of friends and family (many of them didn't know
either).
 
I began hiding as a small boy, spending days and weeks in my bedroom
with
hobbies and daydreaming. I first began using illegal street drugs as a
young teenager and have continued the "emotional run and hide game", in
one way or another, until this date.
 
(I have been proudly street drug free for nearly 2 decades though...)
 
So how is this an uplifting LOVE WORKS story???
 
Only in the last few years have I really started to admit all this to
myself and recognize the pattern.
 
I know that I am OK....not completely well...but I am doing a pretty
good job and can continue to do so, on my own and with the support of
those around me.
 
Many of us have such a battle to some degree, I think. And for some us
there are soap operas, or sports, or coffee, or cigarettes, or
donuts....who knows what....but it's compulsive
REACTIVE avoidance behavior. It's self-destructive behavior.
 
Sometimes the weight seems too heavy, and I fall. But I can get back
up, dust myself off and get back on the horse.
 
I have people who love me and care about me. Today I can chose not to
chose phases 3,4 & 5. I can still have my feelings without acting in a
destructive manner.
 
I told someone recently that I am about 95% asset and 5% liability.
 
Well...maybe it's 90/10....LOL
 
But it will be OK, because LOVE WORKS, and love is all
there is.
 
 
 
Love In Thought! Love In Word! Love In Action!
 
Love To You Today!
 
 
 
"May we endeavor today to increase our understanding and appreciation of
what others have given and contributed to us. And develop constant,
mindful consideration of how our thoughts and actions will BENEFICIALLY
CONTRIBUTE to others"
 
The best to you today in discovering the answers to life's difficult
questions!
 
 
 
A Final Thought:
 
Love is always the right thing to do. Even if it isn't the easiest
thing to do.
 
May we have compassion for the struggles of others, wisdom to
acknowledge our own, and courage to address them both every day.
 
Respectfully,
Tim
 

This is a daily newsletter of LOVE WORKS DAILY:
A collective of individuals of different beliefs and
backgrounds, dedicated to a better world by living LOVE in thought,
word and action. Compassion. Wisdom. Courage.
 
 

Or read us on the web:
http://loveworks.ebloggy.com/
 
 
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Peace be with you.
 
From LOVE WORKS DAILY 04/22/03
(c)2007 T.Thomas Henry
 
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