Emotional Sobriety
Sanora Ngueyn
What is emotional sobriety? Some might think that it means being "happy, joyous, and free," a common adage in 12-Step meetings, taken from AA literature. Of course, people like this definition. It means that if they work a good program, they will achieve physical sobriety (abstinence) and become happy in the process.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this definition puts a lot of recovering people in a tough spot. For example, what does it say about a person's emotional sobriety if they are having a hard time? What if they are afraid, anxious, sad, angry, confused ... the list can go on and on. Does this mean that they aren't emotionally sober?
Sometimes emotional sobriety is about tolerating what you are feeling. It is about staying sober no matter what you are feeling. It means that you don't have to blame yourself or your program because life can be challenging. It means that you don't necessarily need to do something to make the feeling go away. Many people will take their bad feeling and try to pray it, meditate it, service it, spiritually distract themselves from it, thinking that this means they are working a good program. This experience is actually called spiritual bypass.
John Welwood coined the term spiritual bypass and defined it as "using spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep personal, emotional 'un-finished business,' to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, and developmental tasks, all in the name of enlightenment." The shorthand for spiritual bypass is when a person wears a mask or presents a false spiritual self that represses aspects of that person's true self. Spiritual bypass involves bolstering our defenses rather than our humility. Bypass involves grasping rather than gratitude, arriving rather than being, avoiding rather than accepting.
I am forever interested in how mind, body, and spirit interact for people in recovery and how the "ism" (alcoholism) is always trying to steal the show. "Ism" doesn't want you to acknowledge that you are scared, ashamed, lost, or angry. And let's face it, some people in recovery don't want you to acknowledge that either. Because then they would have to look at that stuff (and feel it), and they just might not be ready. So spiritual bypass becomes a tool for working a spiritual program that is really in service of controlling obstacles and outcomes. It provides the illusion that the addict can still manage their feelings even though they aren't using their drug of choice.
In my own spiritual journey, I have experienced spiritual bypass many times. As a defense mechanism, we are all susceptible to this unconscious drive to protect ourselves from our painful realities. And using spirituality as a defense certainly looks a lot better than using drugs or alcohol. But it is a defense mechanism nonetheless and most people in recovery want the ability to access all of their feelings, because being present to what is real is what enables choices, and choices propel people towards their most authentic and fulfilling sober life.
I have spent a great deal of time studying and researching the experience of spiritual bypass in 12-Step recovery. I've written a book called Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice that goes into great depth on this topic. Every person in recovery who I have interviewed or worked with in my psychotherapy practice has gained tremendous insight by looking at their own experiences of spiritual bypass and I hope that you will gain similar results. If nothing else, give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings. Know that we don't have the sort of surgical precision to only feel the feelings that we enjoy. Happiness might be sitting right next to regret, joy might be right next to overwhelmed. That is just the human condition. And experiencing all of our feelings is true emotional sobriety.
Emotional sobriety goes beyond the absence of addictive substances. It is about developing a skill set that enables a person to manage their emotions in a healthy way, preventing them from resorting to substances as a coping mechanism.
As the individual progresses in their recovery journey, a second approach comes into play. This involves a more thoughtful, engaged method of emotional regulation, where individuals begin to rethink their relationship with the triggers that could potentially cause them to relapse.
This strategy involves acknowledging negative thoughts and emotions and working on ways to reduce their impact. Finding balance between cognitive disengagement and cognitive engagement is part of the process of achieving long-term emotional sobriety.
Behavioral therapy is a cornerstone of most treatment programs aiming to foster emotional sobriety. It encompasses several types of therapeutic treatments where the common thread is a focus on identifying and changing potentially self-destructive or unhealthy behaviors.
There are several types of behavioral therapy, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), among others. All of these therapies can help an individual reach physical and emotional sobriety.
This is why many drug and alcohol rehab facilities offer dual diagnosis programs, which treat addiction and mental health simultaneously. Dual diagnosis is the epitome of both physical and emotional sobriety because both the addiction and the psychological underpinnings are addressed.
Participation in peer group meetings like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) can foster feelings of camaraderie and provide valuable support. This sense of community can bolster emotional sobriety and motivate individuals towards success in their recovery journey.
At Wellness Retreat Recovery Center, our emphasis on emotional sobriety, coupled with a holistic approach to wellness and a dedication to personalized care, sets the stage for lasting recovery. For more information on how Wellness Retreat Recovery Center can support your journey to sobriety, please contact us today.
One of the foundations of recovery is developing your sobriety on an emotional level. Aside from no longer engaging in substance use, this is one of the most important factors contributing to long-lasting recovery from addiction.
Emotional sobriety rests on being able to navigate the difficult feelings that can cause cravings and ultimately lead to relapse. Many people believe that sobriety is about not using drugs or alcohol, but that's only the first step. Sobriety is about learning how to navigate the emotions that drugs and alcohol were once either numbing or alleviating.
The definition of emotional sobriety is about remaining present, in the here and now, regardless of what that happens to look like, and not seeking an escape through substances or maladaptive behaviours.
Early recovery for many may be riddled with ways of looking for distractions in order to avoid substances. Although this is helpful early on, continuing to distract yourself will only be counterproductive the farther into recovery you go.
As you come out of drug and alcohol use, you may experience feelings of guilt, shame and remorse. As you move through life day to day, obstacles and challenges will arise, as they do for anyone. There is a need to learn how to face all of these emotions and obstacles without resorting to drugs or alcohol.
When you push down, numb, or distract from emotions, they will always manifest in another way. This is why it's so important to feel your feelings and to process them, so they don't hold you back any longer.
Cognitive behavioural therapy, or CBT, is a powerful way to work on developing emotional sobriety. This is because CBT innately forces you to come face-to-face with your thoughts, and the feelings that have resulted from those thoughts. CBT is a form of one-on-one therapy that rests on the understanding that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are all interconnected. These thoughts, feelings, and behaviours perpetuate one another, creating patterns in your life that can be healthy or unhealthy. CBT teaches you how to observe your inner world, and acknowledge and shift the cognitive distortions that may be there. This is a great way of developing emotional sobriety because the one-on-one nature of being with a therapist or counsellor provides a safe, guided space to explore difficult or scary memories, thoughts, and feelings.
In this collection of Grapevine stories, sober women and men describe the transformations sobriety can bring as they practice the principles of AA in all aspects of their lives. Many discover that happiness is a by-product of giving without any demand for return. Others embrace the present with gratitude to claim moments of real peace -- "a quiet place in bright sunshine," as Bill W. put it in the essay that gave the impetus to this book. We invite you to join the journey. Read a sample story: A Benchmark in Sobriety.
After you have become physically sober, you will still have more work to do if you want to be able to get the most out of this new life. One of the most important things you will need to do to ensure your future happiness is to develop emotional sobriety. This can be defined as the ability to handle your emotions, which is important because it is often the failure to do this that drives many into addiction in the first place.
Emotional sobriety differs from physical sobriety in that it is not something that you can just switch on. You develop this type of sobriety over a long period by dealing with life in a more effective way. The fact that this important ability can develop slowly means you may not be aware that it is occurring, so here are eight signs that can give you an idea that you are on the right track:
If you are constantly fretting over the future or feeling regret about the past, you probably have a lot more work to do in your development of emotional sobriety. One of the clear signs that you have developed this ability is you find it easier to just live in the present moment with your racing into the past or future. Practices like mindfulness meditation are great for helping you develop this ability.
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