One popular Russian song in Lojban

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gleki

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Sep 17, 2011, 8:58:51 AM9/17/11
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Hi from Russia. I'm very interested in Lojban language. Together with my pen friends
I decided to translate one text into Lojban. It's a popular Russian song called "Wonderful Distant Future".
Here is the accompaniment. And here is the song itself in Russian.

I also translated the song into English so that you can check my translation. English translation doesn't preserve the rhythm. Lojbanic does.

I hope you'll point out my mistakes so that i can make corrections and and then upload the song onto Youtube.

I can hear a voice from the Beautiful distant Future
A morning voice in a silvery dew.
I can hear the voice and a luring road
Is driving me mad like a merry-go-round in childhood
Refrain:
Oh the Beautiful distant Future !
Don't be cruel to me !
Don't be cruel to me !
Don't be cruel !
From a clear source
to the Beautiful distant Future,
to the Beautiful distant Future
I'm starting my way.

I can hear the voice from the Beautiful distant Future
It's calling me into wonderful lands.
I can hear the voice and it's strictly asking me
What I did today for tomorrow

I swear that I'll become more pure and kind
And will never leave my friend in trouble
I can hear the voice and I'm running in a hurry to the calling
Via a road where there are no trails

ti'e voksa to'o lozu melbi balvi
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa ja'e makfa trina pluta
du'i lonu vofli ku macri'a mi

.i doi zu melbi balvi
ko ba fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi zu balvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fi lo klina krasi
fe lozu melbi balvi
.e lonu manci balvi
cu klama ca fa mi

ti'e voksa to'o lozu melbi balvi
ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci tutre ku
.i da voksa zo'u da ca junri cpedu
lu do gunka fi bavlamdei pu fe ma

.i mi nupre lonu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e sidju lo mi pendo ku roi ku
.i da voksa ja'e sutra bajra fa mi
fe lo pluta be fo li no farna ku

.arpis.

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Sep 20, 2011, 2:48:53 PM9/20/11
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.i mi ji'a se rukybau .i ku'i mi zvati lo merko .i mi ba'e ba tinju'i lo selsa'a .i ku'i caku mi simlu co srera tu'a zo ti'e

Я тоже говорю по Русски, но я живу в Америке. Я послушаю песьню, но пока мне кажетсо йто слово "tu'a" не правельное.

I also speak Russian, but I'm in America. I am going to listen to the song, but I thing "tu'a" is the wrong word.

PS: Apologies for my bad Russian spelling and grammar; I never learned to write.
PPS: Apologies for my bad lojban expressivity; I'm still learning to write.


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mu'o mi'e .arpis.

Luke Bergen

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Sep 20, 2011, 2:55:34 PM9/20/11
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.u'i djisku zo tu'a ji zo ti'e

On Sep 20, 2011 2:48 PM, ".arpis." <rpglover...@gmail.com> wrote:
> .i mi ji'a se rukybau .i ku'i mi zvati lo merko .i mi ba'e ba tinju'i lo
> selsa'a .i ku'i caku mi simlu co srera tu'a zo ti'e
>
> Я тоже говорю по Русски, но я живу в Америке. Я послушаю песьню, но пока мне
> кажетсо йто слово "tu'a" не правельное.
>
> I also speak Russian, but I'm in America. I am going to listen to the song,
> but I thing "tu'a" is the wrong word.
>
> PS: Apologies for my bad Russian spelling and grammar; I never learned to
> write.
> PPS: Apologies for my bad lojban expressivity; I'm still learning to write.
>
> On Sat, Sep 17, 2011 at 8:58 AM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> Hi from Russia. I'm very interested in Lojban language. Together with my
>> pen friends
>> I decided to translate one text into Lojban. It's a popular Russian song
>> called "Wonderful Distant Future".
>> Here is the accompaniment<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEQ69ytcSGw&feature=related>.
>> And here <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XueqDSQQcvA>is the song itself in

>> Russian.
>>
>> I also translated the song into English so that you can check my
>> translation. English translation doesn't preserve the rhythm. Lojbanic does.
>>
>> I hope you'll point out my mistakes so that i can make corrections and and
>> then upload the song onto Youtube.
>>
>> I can hear a voice from the Beautiful distant Future
>> A morning voice in a silvery dew.
>> I can hear the voice and a luring road
>> Is driving me mad like a merry-go-round in childhood
>> *Refrain:
>> **Oh the Beautiful distant Future !

>> Don't be cruel to me !
>> Don't be cruel to me !
>> Don't be cruel !
>> From a clear source
>> to the Beautiful distant Future,
>> to the Beautiful distant Future
>> I'm starting my way.
>> *

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 20, 2011, 4:43:28 PM9/20/11
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Interpreting as addressed to me, In which case I'm not sure what you're asking; I think I meant to use both words as I did.

2011/9/20 Luke Bergen <lukea...@gmail.com>



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Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 20, 2011, 4:49:39 PM9/20/11
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And after hearing the first 5 seconds of the song, I recognize it.
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Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 20, 2011, 6:38:02 PM9/20/11
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More commentary:

I'd say {voksa tirna} as opposed to {ti'e voksa}, because the point of {ti'e} is to express how you know something, not that you actually hear it.

I'd use {ra'i} rather than {to'o}, partially because I don't know what {to'o} does as a tag, and partially because {to'o} emphasizes literal movement, while {ra'i} emphasizes beginning/origination.

Fortunately, neither of these mess with the rhythm.

Also, just to make sure I'm not crazy here, the original Russian word which you translate as {balvi} doesn't mean "future" explicitly, right?

Continuing reading.

(The one thing I hate about lojban is the abundance of words where transposing two letters is a major mistake and the morphological plausibility of many others.  I'm looking at you right now, zo jbini and zo jibni. I initially misread the second line.)

You are aware that the {fe} in the second line is superfluous and you did it just for rhythm, I assume.
Also, the {noi} clause of the second line attaches to {lo [...] balvi}, which I assume is a mistake.

Perhaps the second line could be {gi'e vo'e jbini lo cerdirgo ku} (vo'e if you use my substitution; vo'a if you stick to your first line)?

In the third line, the thing after {ja'e} must be a sumti; and there are more mistakes in line four. And I can't figure out how to fix it without changing your meaning or breaking the rhythm.

Thinking in public here: {.i lo voksa zo'u mi lo maftri pluta / manci du'i lo nu verba cukmuvzdi}.

I'll think more later.
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Luke Bergen

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Sep 20, 2011, 7:06:36 PM9/20/11
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Alex: yep, I was addressing you.  Your lojban says "srera tu'a zo ti'e" but your english says {think "tu'a" is the wrong word}.  Which is the word that is wrong?  "tu'a" or "ti'e"?

ta'onai not in a location where I can easily listen to audio.  I'll give the audio a listen later.  I look forward to seeing it sync to your lyrics.  The only part that jumped out and gave me pause was the line with {ku roi ku}.  I'm not sure what {roi} does when not preceded by a number like that.

2011/9/20 Alex Rozenshteyn <rpglo...@gmail.com>

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 20, 2011, 9:32:44 PM9/20/11
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Ah; I was so busy trying to figure what was wrong with my lojban that I wasn't reading over my English.

I meant that "ti'e" is the wrong word.

Here's a link to Russian lyrics: http://www.justsomelyrics.com/1749938/%D0%9F%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BA%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B5-%D0%B4%D0%B0%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%BE-Lyrics

I look forward to seeing a second iteration of the lyrics that is correct lojban, and possibly contributing to them. I'm horrible at translating because I try to pack too much of the original literal meaning into the translation, but given someone else's to work with, I may be able to come up with something half-decent.

2011/9/20 Luke Bergen <lukea...@gmail.com>



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gleki

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Sep 22, 2011, 2:31:05 AM9/22/11
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>>Also, the {noi} clause of the second line attaches to {lo [...] balvi}, which I >>assume is a mistake.
How can I fix it so that "noi" is attached to "voksa" ?
Can you please post the correct translation not even taking the rhythm into account ?

gleki

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Sep 22, 2011, 2:33:40 AM9/22/11
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>> The only part that jumped out and gave me pause was the line with {ku roi >> ku}.  I'm not sure what {roi} does when not preceded by a number like that.

"ku" terminate "lo" and "roi" means "always", aren't they ?
I just put "roi" in a place where I have one syllable for preserving the rhythm. What's wrong ?

gleki

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Sep 22, 2011, 2:37:06 AM9/22/11
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>>Also, just to make sure I'm not crazy here, the original Russian word which >>you translate as {balvi} doesn't mean "future" explicitly, right?
I guess this word "dalyoko" in Russian was first introduced in Russian in this song. I believe it was bad grammar at that time. But now it's ok (probably because of this song :-) ) and it means "distant future".
So I translated it as "zu balvi". Is it correct ?

>>You are aware that the {fe} in the second line is superfluous and you did it >>just for rhythm, I assume.
I could use "cu" instead of "fe". I just took an unusual choice.

gleki

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Sep 22, 2011, 4:31:35 AM9/22/11
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>>ti'e voksa to'o lozu melbi balvi
>>ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
I can't understand how to sumti "to'o..." and "noi..." can be equally applied to voksa ?
Even though I can change this sentence I wanna know the answer.

So anyway let's consider Version 2.

tirna fa mi lo zu melbi balvi voksa
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa ri'a du'i lonu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi

I wanna understand why I can't use "da voksa" when "da" means "exists".
As for "merry-go-round" I found no translation for it but suggested possible translation in the nearby topic (Several beginner's questions)
So here i had express similar feelings (lonuvofli, the process of flying)

gleki

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Sep 22, 2011, 4:35:35 AM9/22/11
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And I thought that "noi" wasn't attached to the previous sumti cuz sumti with embedded sumti should be expressed using "be .... be'o" 

.arpis.

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Sep 22, 2011, 1:16:37 PM9/22/11
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{ro roi} means always. The word before {roi} needs to be a number, specifying "how many times".

{da voksa} translates pretty much to the phrase "есть голос", and in lojban makes {voksa} the word expressing the main relationship in the sentence (in lojban terms, {voksa} is the selbri). In the original, the main relationship was that of {rinka} (or taken literally, {cargau}).

The current sentence:

.i da voksa ri'a du'i lonu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi
doesn't parse successfully, because there are two selbri ({voksa} and {macri'a}). Also, ri'a and du'i don't add together; it becomes something more like {ro'a zo'e du'i lo nu volfi ku}

Neither {to'o} nor {noi} are sumti. {to'o} is a tense tag, so when it precedes the selbri it means that the entire sentence (bridi) is in some sense leaving somewhere; when it precedes a sumti, it means that the action of the bridi is physically moving away from that sumti.

{noi} must follow a sumti, and whatever is in the {noi ... ku'o} must be a bridi, and that bridi describes the sumti.

{cu} instead of {fe} would have been grammatically wrong; {cu} must come immediately before the selbri.

{lo zu balvi} is a weird construction to me; it means "the thing which far in the past or in the future was/will be a future". Maybe {lo darbalvi} is better?

On Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 4:35 AM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
And I thought that "noi" wasn't attached to the previous sumti cuz sumti with embedded sumti should be expressed using "be .... be'o" 

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gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:21:59 AM9/23/11
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What is the terminator for noi, for ra'i and for to'o ? 

gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:29:26 AM9/23/11
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As for "lo zu balvi" I thought that it means "the future that has some aspect of long distance in time" so that zu can be used as an adjective.
I came to this conclusion from the official definition:
zu "time tense distance: long distance in time."

gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:31:27 AM9/23/11
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Can I say "doi lo melbi balvi ku" or it's ingrammatical? if only "doi melbi balvi" then do I have to terminate doi in this case ?

gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:33:01 AM9/23/11
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Is this
.i to'o klina krasi
cu fa'a melbi balvi
.e lozu manci balvi
ku klama ca fa mi

also incorrect ?
Should I wrap "klina krasi"  and "melbi balvi" with lo...ku in this verse ?

Luke Bergen

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:34:15 AM9/23/11
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You may find this useful:
http://www.lojban.org/tiki/elidable+terminator

In answer to your question, "ku'o" terminates NOI, I believe that since "ra'i" is of BAI and BAI are fundamentally tags like FA, it doesn't have a terminator.  I think the same is true of FAhA as well so same thing for to'o

On Sep 23, 2011 11:22 AM, "gleki" <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
> What is the terminator for noi, for ra'i and for to'o ?
>
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gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:34:29 AM9/23/11
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And the same question about this bridi

lu do gunka fi bavlamdei pu fe ma [li'u]

should I necessarily say "fi lo bavlamdei" if gunka is the selbri ?

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:34:34 AM9/23/11
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The terminator for {noi} is {ku'o}. {ra'i} and {to'o} don't have or need terminators.

{zu} cannot be used as an adjective in this way.

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gleki

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:36:00 AM9/23/11
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How should I say in lojban correctly

"I hear a voice therefore the road is amazing me" ?

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:37:57 AM9/23/11
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{doi lo melbi balvi ku} is grammatical, but a little weird.

If you say {doi melbi balvi}, you may need to terminate the {doi} (using {do'u}), depending on the next words.

You should put all your questions into one email.

On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 11:31 AM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
Can I say "doi lo melbi balvi ku" or it's ingrammatical? if only "doi melbi balvi" then do I have to terminate doi in this case ?

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Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:43:08 AM9/23/11
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This is incorrect for the same reason that {.i broda cu brode} is incorrect.

You seem to have a misunderstanding of the difference between selbri and sumti; you should look at this: http://jbotcan.org/wave_lesson/
It's basic and incomplete, but it covers that bit pretty well.

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Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:51:09 AM9/23/11
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You need to say {fi lo bavlamdei} instead of {fi bavlamdei}.

The statement {do gunka fi lo bavlamdei pu fe ma} translates to "What were you working on with the goal of tomorrow?", and only makes sense to me if you are trying to prevent the end of the world, and even then should be {do gunka fi tu'a lo bavlamdei pu fe ma} or {do gunka fi lo nu bavlamdei ku pu fe ma}

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Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 23, 2011, 11:56:05 AM9/23/11
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{mi tirna lo voksa .i ja'e bo lo pluta ku se manci mi} is one way, and it is the most direct translation of what you said.

On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 11:36 AM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
How should I say in lojban correctly

"I hear a voice therefore the road is amazing me" ?

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gleki

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Sep 24, 2011, 5:26:02 AM9/24/11
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OK, then is the phrase


.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa


grammatical ?


And one more question. How to say
"I'm going to London from Paris via a road by bus"


using to'o, fa'a, pa'o, sepi'o or other sumtcita instead of place tags ?


I just wanna see how can all those constructions be equally attached to "klama" instead of embedding into one another.

gleki

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Sep 24, 2011, 7:50:20 AM9/24/11
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So here is my new translation.


Please check this one.


VERSION 3.


tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa

ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa .ije du'i lo nu vofli

ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi


.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi darbalvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
.e lo nu manci balvi

ku klama ca fa mi


tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa

ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci tutre ku
.i lo voksa ku noi junri cpedu ca lu
fi lo balvi zmadu pu do gunka ma


.i mi nupre lo nu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e sidju lo mi pendo ku ro roi
.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
pa'o lo no farna barna pluta ku

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 24, 2011, 9:46:02 AM9/24/11
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You could say {mi klama seka'a la lyndn teka'a la paris veka'a lo pluta xeka'a lo sorprekarce}, but I don't think that's what you wanted.

{mi kalma pa'o lo pluta to'o la lyndn fa'a la paris sepi'o lo sorprekarce} is what you want; bearing in mind that the TAG SUMTI constructs can be rearranged in any way with respect to each other, and that {pa'o} means something rather different than the 4th place of {klama}.

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.arpis.

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Sep 24, 2011, 10:28:23 AM9/24/11
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The first verse is great.
The refrain is great, except that I'd suggest seeing if you can use {co'a} as a tense for the last {klama}.

{tutre} doesn't appear to be a word, and {tutra} doesn't seem to make sense in its place. Be aware that the first two lines indicate {lo voksa cu klacpe lo tcemanci tutre}.

{cpedu} is more like просит than like спрашивает. The second half of the second verse is ungrammatical because it doesn't have a main selbri. {ca lu ...} means that {junri cpedu} is happening at the same time as {lu ...}, whatever that means.
It's just barely okay not to terminate {lu} because you're in a song and a new verse is starting, but in conversation, this would be confusing.

The last line of the second verse isn't what you meant: first of all, {pu do gunka} means "work before you" and since "you" is not a point in time, it doesn't make much sense; second, tags continue to increase if not explicitly tagged, so you have {fi lo balvi zmadu pu do gunka fo ma}, which doesn't make sense since {gunka} doesn't have a fourth place.

The first part of the last verse is great.
The last line of the last verse seems wrong, though. I still don't like {pa'o} when what you really mean is {mo'i re'o} or {ve ka'a}, and {lo no farna barna pluta} means that the path doesn't exist, not that the trace doesn't exist.

Thank you very much for doing this, and I look forward to your next attempt, which will probably be ready or almost ready.

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gleki

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Sep 24, 2011, 12:43:54 PM9/24/11
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mi ckire ro do lo nu sidju be mi .ui      -    any mistakes ?
(Thanks to all of you for helping me !) 

REFRAIN
What about this version of the refrain ?
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
ku mi fi lo darbalvi
ku co'a klama vi

"fi" two times. Is it ok ?
"mi co'a klama vi" - "I'm starting going somewhere here". Is it ok ?


SECOND VERSE
I meant tutra of course. So that the voice is calling me into paradise LANDS. That's why I used territories - tutra. Is it wrong ?
Should I use reisku instead of cpedu ?
Then here is my suggestion

"The voice is asking 'What have you done for the future ?'"
.i lo voksa ku noi junri reisku lu do
fi lo balvi zmadu ku pu gunka ma

As the next sentence starts with .i then li'u can be omitted, right ?

Or I have another version.

"The voice is asking what I've done for the future"
.i lo voksa ku noi junri reisku lo nu
mi pu gunka ma lo balvi zmadu ku

THIRD VERSE
If pa'o is incorrect then re'o should be okay. If klama itself denotes motion then mo'i is superfluos, isn't it ?

Anyway I'd like to know how to say "a path with no direction spots"
"lo ke no farna barna ke'e pluta ku" ?
Can I use "bo" instead of "ke ... ke'e" here ?

My suggestion for now is

.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
fo lo ke no barna ke'e pluta ku

But I'd prefer sumtcita instead of place tags that are difficult to memorize.
I'd prefer more natlang-like but valid ways that are alternative to x1 - x5...

Luke Bergen

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Sep 24, 2011, 12:52:18 PM9/24/11
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> mi ckire ro do lo nu sidju be mi .ui      -    any mistakes ?

That works fine, though the "be" isn't needed since the "sidju" is inside "lo nu" so the following sumti are inside "lo nu" as well until a "kei" terminates the abstractor

Alex Rozenshteyn

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Sep 24, 2011, 2:24:38 PM9/24/11
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On Sat, Sep 24, 2011 at 12:43 PM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
mi ckire ro do lo nu sidju be mi .ui      -    any mistakes ?
(Thanks to all of you for helping me !) 

REFRAIN
What about this version of the refrain ?
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
ku mi fi lo darbalvi
ku co'a klama vi

"fi" two times. Is it ok ?
Yes. Although it's usually discouraged, I think it works very well here (it means that both things fit in the same place of {klama} but leaves their relationship with each other vague)
"mi co'a klama vi" - "I'm starting going somewhere here". Is it ok ?
Because there is nothing after the {vi}, it [more or less] takes {zo'e} as its target, and ends up modifying the it modifies the main selbri to mean that the "going" is occurring near something (unspecified/obvious).


SECOND VERSE
I meant tutra of course. So that the voice is calling me into paradise LANDS. That's why I used territories - tutra. Is it wrong ?
Should I use reisku instead of cpedu ?
Then here is my suggestion
That makes sense now that you explain it. To me, though, it seems that {tutra} emphasizes the control or possession of the location. Try {stuzi} perhaps?

"The voice is asking 'What have you done for the future ?'"
.i lo voksa ku noi junri reisku lu do
fi lo balvi zmadu ku pu gunka ma

As the next sentence starts with .i then li'u can be omitted, right ?
No, because you can have multiple sentences in a quotation.

Or I have another version.

"The voice is asking what I've done for the future"
.i lo voksa ku noi junri reisku lo nu
mi pu gunka ma lo balvi zmadu ku

This is still not a bridi; everything after {noi} becomes part of the description of {lo voksa}, like "the voice which asks me" as opposed to "the voice asks me".

Also, I think that the second place of {reisku} needs to be {lo du'u ...}, and that {zukte} is more what you want than {gunka}.


THIRD VERSE
If pa'o is incorrect then re'o should be okay. If klama itself denotes motion then mo'i is superfluos, isn't it ?

I don't think so, but I'm not sure.

Anyway I'd like to know how to say "a path with no direction spots"
"lo ke no farna barna ke'e pluta ku" ?
Can I use "bo" instead of "ke ... ke'e" here ?

{no} doesn't work like that. "a path with no direction spots" is {lo pluta be se cau lo farna barna} or {lo farna barna claxu pluta} or {lo farba'a claxu pluta} or {lo pluta be se cau lo farba'a}.
 
My suggestion for now is

.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
fo lo ke no barna ke'e pluta ku

But I'd prefer sumtcita instead of place tags that are difficult to memorize.
I'd prefer more natlang-like but valid ways that are alternative to x1 - x5...

I've found that messing with {fa} etc only gets difficult when the selbri is late in the bridi.

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          Alex R

gleki

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Sep 25, 2011, 1:46:36 AM9/25/11
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OK, one more attempt.

tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci stuzi ku
gi'e preti cusku .a'esai lo su'u                   -    so that the whole question is expressed with some alertness (.a'esai)
mi pu zukte ma lo balvi zmadu ku

.i mi nupre lo nu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e sidju lo mi pendo ku ro roi
.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
fo lo farna barna claxu pluta ku

.arpis.

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Sep 25, 2011, 9:39:29 AM9/25/11
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Wonderful! {mutce nelci}

Just one question:
in the third line, did you pick {su'u} rather than {du'u} for a reason?

Also, the beginners' list isn't exactly the place for translations, so I suggest you also submit it to https://groups.google.com/group/jbofanva

While you're there, you might also want to take a look at my horrible attempt to translate город золотой
https://groups.google.com/group/jbofanva/browse_thread/thread/18e7d7d388131986
(I was going for a literal translation, but that's because I can't do an idiomatic one.)

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gleki

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Sep 25, 2011, 1:02:54 PM9/25/11
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ki'e .arpis.

I chose su'u instead of du'u as su'u should be used in cases when the beginner is unsure whether to use nu or du'u. So this is the case :-)
Also I tried to get rid of lujvo replacing them with corresponding tanru and place tags (but you said that they were better here).

Do you confirm my translation as grammatically correct ?

Anyway jbofanva has only few posts. Is it dead or ? That's why I posted here.

Please check the translation of one more song so that I won't create a new topic.
It's Russian song about an island called Choonga-Changa.

In this case I tried to create rhymes in exchange of losing some sense. Although there is not much sense at all in the original.

Just check my grammar please.
In my translation the island is called "la .tcangas."

.i doi .tcangas.
blanu tsani vi
.i doi .tcangas.
cimni criso .ui
.i doi .tcangas.
gleki xabju ki
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a sanga ti

.i ti daplu tai le gapru
.i lo lifri ku ka zifre
.i lo lifri ku ka zifre
.i doi .tcangas.

. i nu gleki lo ro vitke
. i temcimni narge citka
.i temcimni badna citka
.i doi .tcangas.

.i doi .tcangas.
xamgu stuzi .ua
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a surla ca
.i doi .tcangas.
.i ko troci ti
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a kelci vi

.arpis.

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Sep 30, 2011, 7:22:36 PM9/30/11
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In my translation the island is called "la .tcangas."

.i doi .tcangas.
blanu tsani vi
.i doi .tcangas.
cimni criso .ui
cimni crisa .ui
.i doi .tcangas.
gleki xabju ki
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a sanga ti
{sanga ti} doesn't really make sense; {sanga dei} means " sing this song"
Conveniently, while the bare {ki} is grammatical, it's very unlikely to be used, since you have no sticky tenses. {pei} makes the most sense of all the other 1-syllable words that rhyme with {dei} in {ki}'s place.

.i ti daplu tai le gapru
I'd say {do} rather than {ti}, since you've been talking to the island throughout the last verse.
.i lo lifri ku ka zifre
This reads as "The experiencer is freedom." Probably not what you wanted to say. Maybe {.i lo selfri ku ka zifre}? That say "The experience is freedom."
.i lo lifri ku ka zifre
.i doi .tcangas.

. i nu gleki lo ro vitke
. i temcimni narge citka
This means something like "We eat eternal nuts." not "We eat nuts eternally." Tanru group left. Consider saying {ro roi narge citka} and filling the missing syllable with something.
.i temcimni badna citka
As above
.i doi .tcangas.

.i doi .tcangas.
xamgu stuzi .ua
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a surla ca
.i doi .tcangas.
.i ko troci ti
This line doesn't make sense; the {ko} refers to the island and the {ti} refers to something that the speaker is pointing at (or otherwise physically indicating). Also, the second sumti of {troci} must be an event sumti, or equivalently, a non-event sumti preceded by {tu'a}
.i doi .tcangas.
mi'a kelci vi

Could you post the whole translation of Прекрасное далеко so that I don't look at wrong parts?

jbofanva's not dead; it's just resting. {zo'onai ku'i} I would like to see more traffic there, but it seems everyone (including me) has more pressing things to do than short translation projects.

gleki

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Oct 1, 2011, 1:43:58 AM10/1/11
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The second song definitely needs a lot of fixes.

Here is "lo melbi balvi", VERSION 4

tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa .ije du'i lo nu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi

.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi darbalvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
ku mi fi lo darbalvi
ku ca'o klama vi

.i mi tirna fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci stuzi ku
gi'e preti cusku .a'esai lo su'u
mi pu zukte ma lo balvi zmadu ku

.i mi nupre lo nu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e ro roi sidju lo mi pendo ku
.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
fo lo klama prina claxu pluta ku

.arpis.

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Oct 1, 2011, 10:04:58 AM10/1/11
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On Sat, Oct 1, 2011 at 1:43 AM, gleki <gleki.is...@gmail.com> wrote:
The second song definitely needs a lot of fixes.

Here is "lo melbi balvi", VERSION 4

tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa .ije du'i lo nu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi

.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi darbalvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
ku mi fi lo darbalvi
As it stands, the speaker falls in the 4th place of {klama}; fortunately, {fa mi fi lo darbalvi} fixes that without breaking rhythm.
ku ca'o klama vi

.i mi tirna fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci stuzi ku
I probably should have noticed this before, but {lo tcemanci stuzi} needs to be in the third place of {klacpe}; otherwise, it's the thing that the voice is summoning, not the place the voice is summoning to.
gi'e preti cusku .a'esai lo su'u
Bear in mind that it is the speaker expressing alertness; not the voice
mi pu zukte ma lo balvi zmadu ku

.i mi nupre lo nu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e ro roi sidju lo mi pendo ku
.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
fo lo klama prina claxu pluta ku

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gleki

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Oct 1, 2011, 12:24:49 PM10/1/11
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VERSION 5
tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa .ije du'i lo nu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi

.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi darbalvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
fa mi fi lo darbalvi
ku ca'o klama vi

.i mi tirna fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi klacpe fi lo manci stuzi ku
gi'e preti cusku .a'edai lo su'u

.arpis.

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Oct 1, 2011, 2:22:36 PM10/1/11
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Looks good to me. Some {lojbo certu zmadu prenu} might have other things to say, but they seem to have lost interest.

You might want to post this version to jbofanva both to make it easier to find and so some new people may see.

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guskant

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Oct 4, 2013, 12:38:10 PM10/4/13
to lojban-b...@googlegroups.com, la gleki
doi la gleki 
i mi ba'o sanga la tcungatcangas fi'o cpedu do
to zoi url
url
i mi jmina lu o'i mu xagji sofybakni cu zvati le purdi li'u 
i ji'a stika loi jufra pe la tcungatcangas
i ra'u lo cmevla cu cmima lo'i brivla 
to zoi url
url

mi'e la guskant mu'o

fa'o

I sang the song as la gleki requested.
The sentences are NOT parsed with the current parser because they obey the {zasni gerna}.


Michael Turniansky

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Oct 11, 2013, 8:21:27 AM10/11/13
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melbi mutce doi guskant .i pa selcpe zo'u pe'u do ko jongau lo selci'a lojbo sanga bo valsi lo skina lo tcita .a lo notci pagbu

              ki'e do'u,

         --gejyspa



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guskant

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Oct 11, 2013, 12:18:26 PM10/11/13
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Le vendredi 11 octobre 2013 21:21:27 UTC+9, Michael Turniansky a écrit :
melbi mutce doi guskant .i pa selcpe zo'u pe'u do ko jongau lo selci'a lojbo sanga bo valsi lo skina lo tcita .a lo notci pagbu

              ki'e do'u,

         --gejyspa




ui ki'e la gejyspa 

i lo valsi pu ca'a skina kansa selci'a me'e zoi zoi English - lojban 1. tcungatcangas. zoi .e zoi zoi English - lojban 2. o'i mu xagji sofybakni zoi 
i ku'i puziku mi jmina zu'i lo notci ji'a pe la'o url http://youtu.be/xEt-aZpbFEQ url 

mu'o

Michael Turniansky

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Oct 11, 2013, 12:36:40 PM10/11/13
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  u'uro'e mi pu tcidu lo glivla no'u zoi gy English gy ku enai le drata valsi


   ki'e do'u

              --gejyspa

guskant

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Oct 11, 2013, 1:13:17 PM10/11/13
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u'i oiru'e la iutub pu je ca na'e friti lo se cuxna no'u la lojban ge'u pe lo skina kansa selci'a
 
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