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Whether you use the technical term fellatio or call it a blow job, going down, giving head, or something else, performing fellatio is an act that requires a lot of trust and a little bit of knowledge. Social messages suggest that the act is so desired that the receiver doesn't care much about technique. In reality there is a lot of variation in fellatio skills, and knowing how to read your partner, what to do to him, and when to do it can make all the difference.

We mostly think of fellatio as being one person licking or sucking a partner's penis. Here I'm broadening the definition a bit to include oral sex on a male partner's genitals. Not every man has a penis (most do, of course). And not every one who has a penis always wants to or can use it for sexual pleasure. None of this makes oral sex any less fun, and the possibilities, if you're open to them, are endless.

If you've got the basics down you can read more about advanced fellatio technique.

Difficulty: N/A

Time Required: Fellatio can be fast and dirty or slow and seductive, no set time required.

Here's How:

Start him off nice and clean.

Social stigma seems to focus on the taste of women’s genitals more than men’s. In fact men can smell and taste just as strong as women. If you're new to fellatio, you might be worried about taste and smell. If so, suggest a sexy bath or shower together and start with a clean slate. While the artificial tastes may be no better (and can be much worse) some people like to use flavored lubricant or put on a flavored condom, which may not taste better but comes with the added benefit of making oral sex a bit safer.

Physical comfort is key.

You can’t have fun and perform well if you’re not physically comfortable, and fellatio can put a strain on your neck and jaw. Kneeling before your partner on a pillow, while he’s standing or sitting, gives you good range of motion and plenty of access. If you’ve had bad experiences with fellatio where you felt lack of control, have him on his back and crouch in between his legs. Giving head can put you in a major power position, if you like that feeling then go for it.

Tease with touch.

Using your hands first, gently caress his inner thighs, penis, scrotum, testicles, and perineum, paying attention to his reactions (verbal and facial) as you touch certain spots. Many men who have sensitivity in their penis are particularly sensitive around the head (known as the glans), especially the frenulum, an indentation between the glans and the shaft on the underside of the penis. You might want to brush up on your knowledge of male sexual anatomy, to know what you’re working with.

Give him a lick.

Follow up with your tongue, exploring the same terrain using slow wide strokes with your tongue. Don’t be afraid to use lots of saliva, as this natural lube feels great and helps create friction and suction. There are many sexually transmitted infections that can be passed during fellatio, using flavored condoms is a great way to practice safer sex and deal with any taste you may not like. It is also one way to help guys who say they have difficulty with condoms get used to, and excited about, using them.

Take him in your mouth.

When he’s semi-erect, slowly guide your lips over the tip of his penis, making sure your lips cover your teeth as you slide gently down his shaft as far as you’re comfortable. Keep your mouth taut, as the pressure from your lips will feel great as they glide down the penis. Putting him in your mouth before he is fully erect is a good way of getting comfortable with the size of his penis, particularly if he is in the larger range.

Watch your gag reflex.

If you’re not adept at deep throat (taking the whole penis in your mouth), trying to do it without practicing first will likely trigger your gag reflex. It’s not necessary and a similar effect can be achieved with the hand and mouth technique described below. With practice, you can learn to relax your gag reflex and take in more of the penis. For more tips see Violet Blue's fellatio tips and pick up her book, The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio.

Use your mouth and tongue.

As your head travels up the underside of the penis, flatten your tongue so it gives the frenulum a nice wide, wet stroke. Don’t be afraid to try different types of licks or kisses—the lips feel good when popped over the ridge of the penis—but perform each stroke repeatedly before changing to give consistent pleasure.

Have fun with the foreskin.

If your partner is uncircumcised, insert your tongue into the foreskin and circle around the head with it. You can also use your fingers to gently massage the head through the foreskin, alternating with deep tongue licks.

Using your mouth and hand, tip #1.

A great blow job isn't just about a mouth and a penis. Place one hand around the shaft of his penis while you move up and down on the top half of his penis. Try coordinating your movements so your hand and mouth are going up and down in unison. If you're partner is thrusting, your hand will prevent his penis from being pushed too far into your mouth.

Using your mouth and hand, tip #2.

If he likes this combination, bring your hand all the way up the shaft (following your mouth), remove your mouth briefly, use your palm to slide and twist over the head (as if you were juicing an orange), and then glide your hand back down followed by your mouth again. Repeat.

Let him come.

When he’s ready to orgasm, keep your movements consistent and firm — don’t slack off. Once he starts ejaculating, see him through with a few strokes and then stop, as most men don’t want continued stimulation once they’ve ejaculated and had an orgasm.

To swallow or not to swallow?

This decision is entirely up to you. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to, but it's nice to let your partner know it's nothing personal. If you don't want to swallow, and you aren’t familiar with the signs of imminent ejaculation, let him know you want a warning. Remove your mouth as he's about to ejaculate, and continue hand stroking through his orgasm.

Tips:

Don’t forget the rest of his body. The scrotum and testicles (balls) are particularly sensitive, and most men like them to be stimulated. Try lightly licking or touching his testicles during oral sex. He might also like them to be cradled gently in one of your hands. Some men go wild when you place your hand around the top of the scrotum and gently tug down.

You can also apply pressure to his perineum (the spot between his anus and his penis) with one or two fingers, as this also can feel good.

He might like wearing a butt plug during fellatio for added prostate stimulation. Or you can apply pressure to his anus with one of your fingers.

My partner makes absolutely no noise during sex, she's completely silent. I take it as a sign that there's something wrong with what I'm doing. I need help figuring out how to talk to her about it, and how to please her more, because she's obviously unsatisfied.

We're all different. Some of us moan and writhe while we eat while others are quiet culinary appreciators. The same is true for sex. The first thing to know is that there's no direct correlation between silence during sex and lack of enjoyment of sex. In fact we know surprisingly little about sex sounds. Of course what this means is that what we do "know" mostly comes from movies, shampoo commercials, and our own sample of sexual experiences.

Not exactly a representational sample.

You should also consider the fact that silence, in addition to being golden, is relative. There's no objective optimal amount of sound a person makes that means they're enjoying sex or having an orgasm. Like almost everything else to do with sexual response, the kinds and volume of noise a person makes is unique to them.

Still, if you're partner's silence is a problem for you, or getting in the way of your own enjoyment, it's definitely worth talking about. Ask your partner about it. Does it mean anything? If so, what? Try not to make it about you. If they sense that a certain answer is going to be an ego-crusher they may try to, ahem, soften the blow. Make it clear that your interest is not in proving your own stellar sex skills, but in wanting to make sure they're enjoying the sex you're having.

If it turns out that they're interested in losing the silence and want to start making some noise during sex, there are a few ways to get the sex sounds rolling. If the lack of noise is due to shyness, you might want to start just by exploring conscious breathing during sex. Along with breath comes a little noise, and this can be a less threatening way to ease into making sounds during sex.

If it isn't about shyness, you can always start with dirty talk which might feel less primal than unfamiliar grunting and groaning.

Another idea is to do a little vocal warm up. Before you have sex, put on some loud music you both love singing along to and belt it out.

It's hard, but try to remember that the kinds of sex sounds you see in mainstream media and pornography doesn't represent anyone. Some people do make a lot of noise during sex, but the goal should be for both you and your partner to feel at ease and free to make as much or as little noise as feels right at the time.

If you're curious about other people's relationship to the sounds of sex, check out the poll to the right, and add your voice to the chorus.