Dating Japanese

[Nickie Koskinen]

Thefirst topic we agreed to write about is dating. Specifically, dating Japanese people in Japan. Kayo wrote her piece from the perspective of an outgoing, independent, and overall badass Japanese lady. Be sure to check it out here.

Then there is language. Japanese language is extremely high context, and the level of mastery you need for a healthy, fulfilling relationship goes far beyond what you need with friends or for business.

Naturally, people who feel exhausted with their lives in Japan figure the grass must be greener at the chalet. Usually you can tell when during the first few dates, your romantic interest asks you how long before you plan to go home, and how wonderful it must be to live abroad.

The most famous is the go-kon (合コン), which is basically a group first date. Many Japanese people are nervous of just meeting one-on-one, so instead they meet two-on-two, or three-on-three. A group of single ladies will meet with a group of single men, and couples will be formed.

I was also surprised by how many couples are formed within companies. Japanese employment is usually for life, so the company can be a second family. When you spend most of your time with colleagues, romance will naturally ensue.

Sadly, sometimes declarations fail. If she friendzones you, tough luck. On the bright side, you get to use one of my favorite Japanese phrases, furareta (振られた, meaning to get rejected)! Might as well turn it into a learning experience.

Also, as you say in your blog post: Speaking the local language really opens up lots of more possibilities. In China most people either speak very poor English, or (for the vast majority) do not speak any English at all.

The truth is (this is my gut feeling, you may challenge me on that ? ) about 95% of the woman will never consider dating a foreigner, about 5% would date both and then there is this tiny tiny fraction of women (actually significantly less than 1%) that will

exclusively target foreigners. They have the same weird motives of mixed blood child and this BS and some want to leave China ( a lot of Chinese people are not very happy with their lives).

Additionally, due to this stupid one child policy and the fact that still to this date women are considered as the inferior gender, men significantly outnumber the women. So there is a shortage of women especially in rural

areas. However, while men tend to stay at home the women tend to move into the big cities. Therefore in cities like Shanghai and Shenzhen women outnumber men a little bit.

Due to these circumstances foreigners (applies only to males) are considered to be stealing Chinese women while women that date a foreigner are considered inferior and therefore dating a foreigner gets a pretty bad touch.

1. Some girls will want to fuck/date/bfgf because you are white. These tend to be 1-3s/10 with the occasional cute party girl, but these girls are low not just because of looks but they will have the worst personalities. Girls that like you for being white, black, American- these girls are the bottom of the barrel, girls that japanese guys tend to not like (its no wonder they suddenly quit and turn to foreigners).

I can 100% confirm this experience. In Tokyo it is easy to get with women, but remember there are over 40 million people living in that area. In reality there are not that many women interested in dating a foreigner, especially high quality women.

If the guy is so ashamed to tell his family that he is dating a gaijin, drop him. His small penis will not give you any pleasure anyway. It is not like they are filthy rich like some of the Chinese people are, so their small wiener size cannot be made up with earning money since most Japanese men do not necessarily earn per hour what people do in the west. Are you aware that most Japanese men have experiences paying for sex? Unless you are comfortable dating men who have been with prostitutes, which is a deal breaker for most people, I would not touch these perverted men. You will see that most Japanese women know how much of a pig Japanese men are being misogynistic and all prefer to date white men.

For a Japanese boy to introduce his girl friend to his mother is an indication to his parents that he is going to marry with her. It has nothing to do with gaijin/Japanese thing, and purely a cultural difference.

wow! a very interesting read. sometimes i think it would be nice to have a japanese boyfriend, but then i think i only think so because i like toma. haha. probably would not work out if i actually tried finding one. xD

As a gay man that has been seeing a Japanese guy for a couple of months, it would have been nice to know whether the situations I find myself to be in are more likely to be down to cultural differences or whether it is more likely a difference in personalities.

Hi, thank you for all that interesting information! I am also a German married to a Japanese guy, living in Japan. The thing with a lack of showing physical contact in public is new to me, my husband kisses me in public and if I do not watch out he will start grabbing my butt when I stand in front of him on the crowded escalator (he ruins my good reputation, hahaha :-) ) It might be because we had lived together in Germany for 2 years before we moved to Japan, so he has adopted German manners.

Also I have a very good friendship with his mom, but I was told people from Osaka are more open-minded than other Japanese, no idea if that is true.

However the communication problem is familiar to me as well, we mostly use German but sometimes he misunderstands what I say. Not because of lack of vocabulary or grammar, but some German ways of saying something seem to be impolite to him, while they are very normal for a German native speaker. So I try to do my best to quickly identify a misunderstanding and explain to him.

It is commonly believed that dating in Japan is easy for non-Asian (particularly white) men and hard for women. I came across a blog post by zoomingjapn, a German girl living in Japan, writing about dating in Japan as a foreigner. She expresses this view.

However, there are many people who are successful at dating in Japan. Many people provided counter-examples in the comments. My personal experience also tells me that dating in Japan is completely feasible and a lot of my friends seem to be doing OK with dating here. Then the real question is this: what is the difference between successful and unsuccessful people?

Dating in Japan can be a bit harder, compared to a more socially open country, because Japanese people tend to be reserved and cautious with strangers. Every time I go to North America or Europe, I notice how easy it is to talk to random people. If it feels harder to date in Japan, maybe it really is.

I personally know many examples of foreign men marrying, having kids with, and even moving abroad (out of Japan) with their Japanese significant others and families and generally having successful relationships. That's not to say that they don't deal with culture differences and language barriers of course though.

I know ZERO examples of that with a foreign woman and Japanese man. The only relationships that I've seen be at least sort of successful are ones where the Japanese man is either half, speaks English very well (or whatever home language of the person they are dating), and/or has lived abroad for significant periods of their life. I do not think internationally minded, English speaking Japanese men is the norm at all. With a born and raised, Japanese only speaking Japanese man and foreign women, it just does not work for so many reasons. Take the normal difficulties of cultural differences and language barriers and then add just a fundamental difference in upbringing regarding what mens and womens roles are and it is a recipe for disaster.

While these traditional approaches are still commonly observed in the Japanese society, many of the younger generation nowadays are finding them hard to keep up with. Japan is undergoing a big change in perception and practice of dating and marriage, so if you take a close look, you will be able to find a diversity of opinions among themselves.

Traditionally, dating was not common in Japan. Marriages (結婚, kekkon) were often arranged and based on social status and practicality. Nowadays, however, young people seek more freedom in their dating lives. Still, you will notice that the dating culture in Japan is a blend of traditional and modern, shaped by cultural expectations. It is essential to keep that in mind to create stronger relationships and avoid misunderstandings.

Even if you have been dating someone for a while, it does not mean you are official. Generally, in Japan, people make it very clear when they want to call you boyfriend/girlfriend (彼氏/彼女, kareshi/kanojo). When you get a kokuhaku (告白), a confession of love, you will know it is official. Family (家族, kazoku) also plays an important role in determining how serious a relationship is in Japan and if marriage is in the cards.

People in Japan, especially younger people, face many obstacles that prevent them from dating. Japanese society emphasizes the importance of work (仕事, shigoto) and career. Long work hours make it difficult to find the time and energy to meet people. However, despite these challenges, people are still finding ways to get out there and meet potential partners.

As with almost everywhere else in the world, online dating has become increasingly popular in Japan. The Japan Times reported on a survey by Meiji Yasuda Life Insurance (明治安田生命保険, Meiji-Yasuda Seimei Hoken) showing that dating apps (マッチングアプリ, matchingu apuri) have become the most common way for couples to meet. In 2022, 22.6% of newlywed couples had found love online.

A more traditional way of meeting a partner in Japan is through mutual friends (友達, tomodachi) or family. After all, the people closest to you tend to know you best. Someone might introduce you through a group outing, typically at a restaurant or bar. This casual approach makes it easier to break the ice and get to know the other person.

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