Till death us part or.......

[Donnie estrada]

Me and my boy was talking about this...
Your spouse or partner became handicapped, paralyzed or lost a major limb. What would your reaction be. Now lets make this deep, lets say this tragic situation changes the nature of your life, meaning saying one cant have kids, can't perform (sexually) and can't take care of themselves. What would you do? (Cherry on top) say you been married for 3 years and your partner finds out they have aids, but you are good... do you leave or would death do you part?

[Faunya Estrada]

Lol!  I am laughing because you (Donnie) and I have had this conversation several times before over the course of us dating....and every time we discussed it, you were very upset with my response.

 

Anywho.....My reaction would vary depending on what level of relationship I have with the person and our current standing.

 

This topic first came up years ago when Donnie & I were watching one of those Extreme Home Makeover show where the guy was a football player in HS or college and his girlfriend of 3-6 months stayed with him after he was in a terrible accident and became paralyzed from the waist down.  Personally, if I had a boyfriend of six months and this happened, I wouldn't stay.  If he was a great guy, we'd have to just be friends. (Harsh, I know....but also honest).

If I were with my boyfriend for 4-5 years and this happened and we were in love, I likely wouldn't stay.  Why?  Well, if we were together for so many years and were in love, then likely I wanted to marry you.....& likely you've been stalling.....so likely, I'm not committing myself to a cripple who didn't even love me enough to commit a lifetime.

 

If I were with my boyfriend for 4-5 years and we were engaged and planning the wedding *cringe*, I'd likely stay.......but it would be a difficult decision that we'd have to talk about in-depth.  This is a little personal, but I waited a long time to have 'relations' and to know that my waiting was in vain would REALLY hurt me. Kids....we can adopt, if need be.  But everything else.....Difficult!.....& that includes having to dress or take that person to the bathroom & all that other stuff.  I don't know.

 

If I were married, that's a different story.  I take the institution of marriage very seriously and I'd have to stick it out and do whatever is required.  It is my responsibility, as far as I'm concerned.  My reaction would be the same as if my child got into an accident and needed to be taken care of.

 

Regarding AIDS (and being married): It depends on the situation and how and where he got it.  I know you can't pinpoint times exactly, but if it appeared to me that he likely contracted AIDS while we were either dating or married....Goodbye!  You're on your own!  Since you weren't committed enough to me to refrain from risky, uncommitted behavior, I'm not committed enough to you to stick around, so that you have a life mate.  No way, Jose!  Live your life having to explain to every girl you meet that you have AIDS.....or live your life alone.

 

On Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 11:00 AM, Donnie estrada <estra...@gmail.com> wrote:

Me and my boy was talking about this...
Your spouse or partner became handicapped, paralyzed or lost a major limb. What would your reaction be. Now lets make this deep, lets say this tragic situation changes the nature of your life, meaning saying one cant have kids, can't perform (sexually) and can't take care of themselves. What would you do? (Cherry on top) say you been married for 3 years and your partner finds out they have aids, but you are good... do you leave or would death do you part?

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--
"Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are."

- Theodore Roosevelt

[Middleton, Angella]

Til death do you part.  Love = sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this is the risk you take when you marry.  Anything could happen to either spouse.  Hence the vow – “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…”  It’s sad but I know a couple of people whose marriages ended when they became sick and their spouse did not love them enough to stay and help nurse them back to health.

 

Now for the AIDS question, that depends.  How did he get it?  Was he cheating?

 

Angella

--

[Jai Jones]

If my husband became very ill or handicapped I would stay. no question. It would suck. but i would stay. If I had a boyfriend probably not. and i only say that because if I have a boyfriend that can't remember to flush the toilet or who lacks ambition i wouldnt stay with him either. They are all "handicaps" of sorts in My MIND! so i'm just saying that dating is the choosing and picking phase. Marriage is the dig in and bear it stage.

--


*Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It is beyond me.-Zora Neale Hurston

[Middleton, Angella]

LOL…Faunya you are too funny. J

 

I didn’t even consider the question in a dating relationship.  I’d have to agree with Faunya.  If just dating, I probably would not stay L.  If engaged and in love and planning to marry…I’d like to think I would stay, since I already had made the decision that I loved you enough to spend my life with you.  But yeah – that might be very difficult, depending on the restrains of the illness.

 

Angella

[Frankela Albury]

I agree with Faunya on most of the things she mentioned.  In marriage, I'd definitely stay, unless it was an AIDs issue.  Now AIDS/HIV virus can be detected very early on.  Before any serious commitment, both parties should be tested.  I'm constantly tested.  Meaning if we got married and I found out my partner contracted HIV it'd be very very hard for me to believe this came from some other source (blood transfusion) thus leaves intercourse outside or our relationship and / or drugs.  In both instances, I would leave.

 

Here's a kicker though.  If I had a boyfriend of many years, and he became ill or very sick, yes I would stay and help him.  I would feel obligated as if it were me I'd want the same thing.  Another situation if it were my children's father and we are not together, I'd help him if he were sick and had no other person (as a duty to my children).  But in all instances married or not, I'd really have a deep discussion with my partner about extramartial affairs.  I'd definitely be there for my spouse, but I would want to know if it was ok for me to step outside of the relationship for pleasure reasons (sorry keeping it real).

 

As if I was sick and married and couldn't perform certain things, I'd allow my husband to step outside of our marriage for those needs as long as he's respectful of my house, our children and me.  Meaning, I wouldn't want to know it's happening (even if I ok'd it).  So as not to have it up in my face.  I'd definitely understand.

 

How about this question, what if your long-time boyfriend/husband was arrested for a crime and was sentence to 5 or more years, would you stick out the marriage/relationship or would you bounce?

[Jai Jones]

Ooooo 5 years in the cling??? Depends...did he do it?

[Faunya Estrada]

Lol! Another conversation & topic, but if I was married and that happened, I would not step outside of the marriage and I wouldn't give him permission to.  We'd just have to suffer through it and be as creative as we can.  Period!!!!!

 

Boyfriend sentenced to prison.....Goodbye! 

 

Husband......It depends.  Was he wrongfully accused? Was it for not paying taxes or was it for selling drugs or was it for molesting a child or was it for pistol whipping my brother?  Did I know and approve of his actions?  Did I not know or openly disagree with his actions? 

[Jai Jones]

LMBO!! faunya i hate your possible crimes. pistol whipping your brother????

[Faunya Estrada]

Yeah, I guess that was a little ridiculous! LOL!!!!

[Frankela Albury]

A pistol whip is a misdemeanor and he wouldn't get 5 years, his butt kicked but not 5 years, now if the gun he used had bodies on it and he had no permit.  That's another story

[Faunya Estrada]

Semantics, Franky!  I was just joking.

 

My point is that it depends on the nature of the crime & if I was in on it with him.

 

I did have a boyfriend who I stuck with while he was in jail, but it was just a weekend and was for a bunch of unpaid traffic tickets.....or something like that.  I'll deal with that, but 5 years, even one year...nah!

 

As I said, a husband is a different story, but even then......it depends.

[Obatunji McKnight]

This kind of question is frightening. If my partner got sick or went through something that greatly changed the nature of our relationship, I would stay with them. The depth of the relationship does matter tho, a gf or bf of a few months wouldn't be given the same benefit of a doubt as someone I've had more time to develop a relationship with. When it comes to the whole HIV/AIDS thing, looking at the evidence gives me way more questions than it answers. If it were cancer or something it's easier to decide to stay because we feel that kind of sickness is harder to pinpoint the blame, however with something like an STI the whole issue of faithfulness influences our behavior. Its wack when you look at how people judge the sick, like some deserve the disease and suffering they get because of their actions and others we have ribbon walks for.

[Faunya Estrada]

Well, there are also ribbon walks for HIV/AIDS and I am totally in support of that.  I wouldn't wish sickness on anyone, even those who may/may not have caused it by their own actions.  However, I am not referring to what the person deserves, I am referring to what I deserve....and that is someone able to give the same level of committment and faithfulness that I'm giving them.  It has less to do with the fact that they have this disease and more to do with them betraying me.

 

On Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 2:04 PM, Obatunji McKnight <obat...@gmail.com> wrote:

This kind of question is frightening. If my partner got sick or went through something that greatly changed the nature of our relationship, I would stay with them. The depth of the relationship does matter tho, a gf or bf of a few months wouldn't be given the same benefit of a doubt as someone I've had more time to develop a relationship with. When it comes to the whole HIV/AIDS thing, looking at the evidence gives me way more questions than it answers. If it were cancer or something it's easier to decide to stay because we feel that kind of sickness is harder to pinpoint the blame, however with something like an STI the whole issue of faithfulness influences our behavior. Its wack when you look at how people judge the sick, like some deserve the disease and suffering they get because of their actions and others we have ribbon walks for.

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[Donnie estrada]

So let's say the Aids was dormant and was contracted before you, and your partner was faithful, he Just never been tested....

>> life_talk+...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%2Bunsu...@googlegroups.com>

[Faunya Estrada]

If he was my husband and the marriage was otherwise good, I'd stay, make sure we were always protected & try to make sure he had the best care possible, so he could live the healthiest and longest live possible, given his condition.

[Obatunji McKnight]

Yeah thats more what I meant, like Donnie's scenario. But I get what you're saying.

[Tamara Evans]

Wow!! 

 

I didn't comment on this discussion thread earlier on, but from watching this video that Rajat just posted it made me think...

 

Ok, so this couple is not married they were just dating and the boyfriend still decided to take on the husband duties and keep that bond between him and the girl.  Why?  Why would he do that? 

 

Is it because his love for her was already beyond a certain point so no matter what he would never leave her side.  He had already made that committment to her mentally. 

 

In the American culture would men and women have the same dedication?  Or is this not a culture thing at all and just a person to person choice? 

 

I noticed in the thread a few people said that if the person was just a boyfriend or girlfriend then they would be out.  And then someone said, if it were their fiance then they would have to think very hard about the situation, it would be harder for them to leave. 

 

I guess it all depends on the individual and they feel they need and want.  Very interesting concept to contemplate. 

On Sat, Jan 1, 2011 at 8:31 AM, Raj <rajat...@gmail.com> wrote:

Hey everyone.. I came across this video about a couple who are living
through this situation.. thought of sharing it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5spWq9rJyQ

On Dec 17 2010, 9:27 pm, Faunya Estrada <faunya.a.alb...@gmail.com>
wrote:

> Lol!  I am laughing because you *(Donnie)* and I have had this conversation

> several times before over the course of us dating....and every time we
> discussed it, you were very upset with my response.
>
> Anywho.....My reaction would vary depending on what level of relationship I
> have with the person and our current standing.
>
> This topic first came up years ago when Donnie & I were watching one of
> those Extreme Home Makeover show where the guy was a football player in HS
> or college and his girlfriend of 3-6 months stayed with him after he was in
> a terrible accident and became paralyzed from the waist down.  Personally,
> if I had a boyfriend of six months and this happened, I wouldn't stay.  If

> he was a great guy, we'd have to just be friends. (*Harsh, I know....but
> also honest*).

>  If I were with my boyfriend for 4-5 years and this happened and we were in
> love, I likely wouldn't stay.  Why?  Well, if we were together for so many
> years and were in love, then likely I wanted to marry you.....& likely
> you've been stalling.....so likely, I'm not committing myself to a cripple
> who didn't even love me enough to commit a lifetime.
>
> If I were with my boyfriend for 4-5 years and we were engaged and planning
> the wedding *cringe*, I'd likely stay.......but it would be a difficult
> decision that we'd have to talk about in-depth.  This is a little personal,
> but I waited a long time to have 'relations' and to know that my waiting was
> in vain would REALLY hurt me. Kids....we can adopt, if need be.  But
> everything else.....Difficult!.....& that includes having to dress or take
> that person to the bathroom & all that other stuff.  I don't know.
>
> If I were married, that's a different story.  I take the institution of
> marriage very seriously and I'd have to stick it out and do whatever is
> required.  It is my responsibility, as far as I'm concerned.  My reaction
> would be the same as if my child got into an accident and needed to be taken
> care of.
>

> Regarding AIDS *(and being married)*: It depends on the situation and how

> and where he got it.  I know you can't pinpoint times exactly, but if it
> appeared to me that he likely contracted AIDS while we were either dating or
> married....Goodbye!  You're on your own!  Since you weren't committed enough
> to me to refrain from risky, uncommitted behavior, I'm not committed enough
> to you to stick around, so that you have a life mate.  No way, Jose!  Live
> your life having to explain to every girl you meet that you have AIDS.....or
> live your life alone.
>

> On Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 11:00 AM, Donnie estrada <estrada...@gmail.com>wrote:

>
>
>
>
>
> > Me and my boy was talking about this...
> > Your spouse or partner became handicapped, paralyzed or lost a major limb.
> > What would your reaction be. Now lets make this deep, lets say this tragic
> > situation changes the nature of your life, meaning saying one cant have
> > kids, can't perform (sexually) and can't take care of themselves. What would
> > you do? (Cherry on top) say you been married for 3 years and your partner
> > finds out they have aids, but you are good... do you leave or would death do
> > you part?
>
> > --
> > You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups
> > "Life Talk" group.
> > To post to this group, send email to life...@googlegroups.com.
> > To unsubscribe from this group, send email to

> > life_talk+...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%2Bunsubscribe@googlegroups­.com>

> > .
> > For more options, visit this group at
> >http://groups.google.com/group/life_talk?hl=en.
>
> --
> "Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are."
>

> - Theodore Roosevelt- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

[Raj]

Hey evryone.. I came across this video of a couple who are living
through the situation that this discussion is about... its very
touching here it is....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5spWq9rJyQ

[Will]

I'm nominating this guy for a Lifetime Achievement Award on the next
BET Awards Show!!! I read a lot of posts about who would stay and
stick it out with husbands, wives, girlfriends and boyfriends, but the
fact is, until you are really faced with a situation of this
magnitude, you never know what you would do. I would really like to
say that I would stick it out with the person that I love through any
situation, but the truth is, I honestly don't know what I would do in
a scenario like this. Marriage is one thing, and I can say that for
my wife, I am willing to endure much more than for any girlfriend. If
my girlfriend lost a finger today, its very possible that she would be
single tomorrow. I just pray that my commitment and love never has to
be tested at this level!

> > you part?- Hide quoted text -

[tamara...@gmail.com]

Lol!!! Ahahahahahaa @ Will. I hope your girlfriend is not on this discussion group. Dang, if she lost her finger today, she will be single tomorrow. That is harsh... I mean its only a finger. LOL!!! Ahahahahahahaha
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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[Faunya Estrada]

Lol! Omg, that is the most hilarious thing I've heard all week.  You would leave your girl if she lost a finger.  Aww....that's so sad! I understand what your saying, but still sad....and I guess it's no worse than a person who would leave their bf/gf if they got 3rd degree burns over their entire face (which I may or may not..., as both are cosmetic deformities & likely wouldn't change who the person is and how you can interact with them as a person....except for the fact that they may physically gross you out.

However, you are right. No one really knows what they would do unless put in that situation.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

---

[Donnie estrada]

LOL I love the truth! I am cracking up!

On Jan 3, 2011 2:53 PM, "Faunya Estrada" <faunya....@gmail.com> wrote:
> Lol! Omg, that is the most hilarious thing I've heard all week. &nbsp;You would leave your girl if she lost a finger. &nbsp;Aww....that's so sad! I understand what your saying, but still sad....and I guess it's no worse than a person who would leave their bf/gf if they got 3rd degree burns over their entire face (which I may or may not..., as both are cosmetic deformities &amp; likely wouldn't change who the person is and how you can interact with them as a person....except for the fact that they may physically gross you out.

>
> However, you are right. No one really knows what they would do unless put in that situation.
>
>
>
> -- Sent from my Palm Pre

> On Jan 3, 2011 2:44 PM, Will &lt;wbra...@gmail.com&gt; wrote:
>
> I'm nominating this guy for a Lifetime Achievement Award on the next
>
> BET Awards Show!!! I read a lot of posts about who would stay and
>
> stick it out with husbands, wives, girlfriends and boyfriends, but the
>
> fact is, until you are really faced with a situation of this
>
> magnitude, you never know what you would do. I would really like to
>
> say that I would stick it out with the person that I love through any
>
> situation, but the truth is, I honestly don't know what I would do in
>
> a scenario like this. Marriage is one thing, and I can say that for
>
> my wife, I am willing to endure much more than for any girlfriend. If
>
> my girlfriend lost a finger today, its very possible that she would be
>
> single tomorrow. I just pray that my commitment and love never has to
>
> be tested at this level!
>
>
>

> On Jan 1, 7:08&nbsp;am, Raj &lt;rajat.go...@gmail.com&gt; wrote:
>
> &gt; Hey evryone.. I came across this video of a couple who are living
>
> &gt; through the situation that this discussion is about... its very
>
> &gt; touching &nbsp;here it is....
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5spWq9rJyQ
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt; On Dec 17 2010, 9:00&nbsp;pm, Donnie estrada &lt;estrada...@gmail.com&gt; wrote:
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt; &gt; Me and my boy was talking about this...
>
> &gt; &gt; Your spouse or partner became handicapped, paralyzed or lost a major limb.
>
> &gt; &gt; What would your reaction be. Now lets make this deep, lets say this tragic
>
> &gt; &gt; situation changes the nature of your life, meaning saying one cant have
>
> &gt; &gt; kids, can't perform (sexually) and can't take care of themselves. What would
>
> &gt; &gt; you do? (Cherry on top) say you been married for 3 years and your partner
>
> &gt; &gt; finds out they have aids, but you are good... do you leave or would death do
>
> &gt; &gt; you part?- Hide quoted text -
>
> &gt;
>
> &gt; - Show quoted text -

[Will]

LOL...she's not on here. Although I said that as a joke, the reality
is that there is also some truth in it as well. I don't just say what
sounds good. I'm not in the running for a saint award, so being
completely honest, that would be a very hard situation for me to deal
with. My hat goes off to all those who said and truly mean that they
would stick it out with someone in a traumatic situation, especially
those who said they would stay for a girlfriend or boyfriend. I'm not
saying that I wouldn't try, or at least want to try, I'm just saying
that it would be very tough. On some level we are all shallow, and
physical challenges I guess are where my shallow characterisitcs would
be tested most, especially if they are things that happen to you after
we're together. If you have 10 fingers when we meet, my expectation
is that you will continue to have 10 fingers throughout our
relationship....I am in no way trying to be insensitive to the
circumstance that may cause trauma, and I would like to believe that I
could hang in there, but I just don't know. Besides, people end
relationships for far less all the time.

In a previous post, someone mentioned sticking by their man through a
jail bid. I can understand not staying if he was locked up due to his
own nonsense, i.e. drugs or some other ridiculous crime, but what if
he was given time for commiting a crime to protect you or his family?
Would you stay then? And more importantly, what if he was abused
while in prison? Could you stay with a man that was made some one's
girlfriend while in prison, given the fact the he was in that
situation protecting you?

On Jan 3, 3:06 pm, Donnie estrada <estrada...@gmail.com> wrote:
> LOL I love the truth! I am cracking up!

> On Jan 3, 2011 2:53 PM, "Faunya Estrada" <faunya.a.alb...@gmail.com> wrote:> Lol! Omg, that is the most hilarious thing I've heard all week. &nbsp;You

[Grier Zipporah]

I know someone who was in this situation that was forced to leave his wife b/c she changed.  She was injured on her job and had several major back surgeries.  He absolutely loved her to death and took care of her through all the pains and sufferings.  But during the hard times and as things got better she became very depressed and bipolar.  He tried with her for years, but her emotions and her treatment towards him put a strain on their relationship warranting him to leave a bad situation.  He felt that she did not want to be well and live her life despite her limited disability.        

 

---

[Faunya Estrada]

Lol! Will, I am so glad you are part of our discussion group.  You are hilarious and bring up some really good points and are saying what many of us think way, way in the back of our minds, but hope that we never tested to discover what we would do.

1) If he was sent to prison for protecting me or our child, yes I'd stay...assuming I felt it was necessary.  Meaning...stealing money from your job or selling drugs to help pay the rent is not considered necessary in my book. Swallow ur pride & scrub some floors, if needed.  If someone was holding me at gunpoint & he killed the person....necessary.

2) If he was abused while in prison....wow! That's hard....but if I were ever raped by some random sicko roaming the streets, I would hope that my husband wouldn't leave me, so I would like to say that i'd be the same with him....but it depends. If I were raped, I likely would never be interested in being with the rapist or any other man other than my husband in the future.  However, I don't know that I could believe that to be the same for a man repeatedly 'abused' in prison by other male inmates.....& I'm not down with the DL at all!

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

[Frankela Albury]

I agree you never know what you will endure/put up with until you are actually faced with that situation.  But before getting married, you must realize you say through richer or poorer, better or worse, sickness and in health.

 

At some point in a relationship/marriage that's long term someone WILL get sick and the dynamics of that relationship WILL change.  No one knows when that will happen, sooner or the latter part of that situation.  If you hope that your spouse will be there to take care of you and stay with you, you should be willing to do the same.

 

My dad, sorry if he's on this post, but I doubt it.  Was in his 40's  when he married and him and his wife had a good run, but after some years she was in a terrible car accident, she has ton's of back surgery and can barely walk, she can no longer work and some of her medication makes her weight fluctuate.  I'm not going to speak on the intimate parts of their marriage but surely that must lack.  My father is not yet sixty and has decided to be there for his wife continually taking care of her.  I personally think it's admirable. (although I have some other thoughts about the situation I won't discuss, karma and such things).  My grandmother married my grandfather who was quite the philanderer, and he got sick with cancer and suffered for 4 long years, she also stuck by his side, wiped his behind and continued to be his rock.  Clearly she could have walked away, especially after all he had put her through with his cheating. 

 

These are not extreme cases these are cases that will and can happen at some point in the relationship.  I'm not married, but if I were I would be that person who would stay in a relationship in traumatic circumstances.  I'd personally want the same thing.  There are some sidebars to this as well but I'm tired of typing and would like to have another discussion.

[Faunya Estrada]

Actually, I was just about to comment on Zipporah's comment and mention the situation with our dad. It's very admirable what he chose to do and not many would be man/woman enough to endure what he must endure. While Darlene seems to still seems to be driven, I don't doubt that she's gone through bouts of extreme depression, given the situation.  Who wouldn't? I think it's unfair and selfish to expect your spouse to not have those natural reactions and feelings & to leave them for doing so.

As far as grandma & granddaddy's situation....i think I wouldve had to put him in a home & not looked back.  Sorry, but I have a deep, strong dislike for that type of deceipt and lack of commitment.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

[Frankela Albury]

I don't know if I'm that type of person, to kick someone when they are down.  If you stayed in a relationship where the person lacked commitment and then when they are suffering decide at that point you will walk away. I think it's selfish and mean. 

 

Now if you left prior to them getting sick and then later on they get sick, then no they are not your responsibility, but if you stayed dealt with the mental abuse, the deciet and lies.  Seriously stay through it all.  I probably would have done the same as Grandma had I decided to stay in that marriage prior too.