Double Standard?

[Will]

Faunya, your comment about a guy being on the DL brings up a topic I
heard being discussed recently. If you are in a relationship or
marriage with a guy (nothing short term, something established where
feelings have developed) and he tells you that as a younger man he was
curious about homosexuality, and his curiosity caused him to explore
that world, but after trying it he found that it wasn't his thing and
he didn't like it, is he gay? Also are you concerned that he might
try this again at some point even though he said he didn't like it?
Do you respect the fact that he shared this intimate information with
you? Guys, would this matter to you if it was your wife or
girlfriend? Are men able to look past this topic much easier, or would
your wife now be a lesbian because of a past experience with a woman?

[Faunya Estrada]

This is a very good and deep question, so I'll try to answer it as honestly as I can.

Short answer: I don't know what I would do.  I think I'd have to be in the situation to know for sure.

Long answer: In general, I respect honesty over and above any hidden truths. If this had been hidden from me and I had to find out through other means, it would be a HUUUUGE problem.  Not only would I flip, I'd likely have to leave that person. I would not and could not trust them and as far as I was concerned, they are just saying it was a young experimental thing just to cool me off and salvage the relationship.
If my bf/spouse came & honestly told me that out of their own conscience and/or because I asked a question and they responded honestly, I would be shocked, but not necessarily furious. 1st, I'd want to know y they didn't find it important to tell me sooner. 2nd, I'd want all the details....bcuz that's what I'd need. Then, I'd have a decision to make. If the decision is to stay, I'd assume they are truly what they say...since clearly they were honest without any threat b4.  However, I can't lie....id keep one eye open for a minute.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

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[Frankela Albury]

Or forever if it were me with the one eye open thing.  Otherwise, I agree with Faunya

On Jan 3, 2011 9:13 PM, "Faunya Estrada" <faunya....@gmail.com> wrote:
> This is a very good and deep question, so I'll try to answer it as honestly as I can.
>

> Short answer: I don't know what I would do. &nbsp;I think I'd have to be in the situation to know for sure.
>
> Long answer: In general, I respect honesty over and above any hidden truths. If this had been hidden from me and I had to find out through other means, it would be a HUUUUGE problem. &nbsp;Not only would I flip, I'd likely have to leave that person. I would not and could not trust them and as far as I was concerned, they are just saying it was a young experimental thing just to cool me off and salvage the relationship.
> If my bf/spouse came &amp; honestly told me that out of their own conscience and/or because I asked a question and they responded honestly, I would be shocked, but not necessarily furious. 1st, I'd want to know y they didn't find it important to tell me sooner. 2nd, I'd want all the details....bcuz that's what I'd need. Then, I'd have a decision to make. If the decision is to stay, I'd assume they are truly what they say...since clearly they were honest without any threat b4. &nbsp;However, I can't lie....id keep one eye open for a minute.

>
>
>
> -- Sent from my Palm Pre

[Tamara Evans]

This is a very interesting question...

 

1. Is the guy to be considered gay? No, not necessarily. 

2. Am I concerned that he may try this again at some point?  Of course...

3. Do i respect him more for bringing this to my attention?  NO, he didn't do anything special.. he was just doing what is expected of him... complete honesty and safeguarding of my feelings and mind

 

4. Would i want to continue the relationship with him?  Hmm.. umm.. only if he mentions to me that through Divine intervention he knew that was not for him.  As far as i am concerned only God can take the feeling of homosexuality away from a person.  He would not be able to rid it on his own devices.  So i wouldn't only be keeping one eye open.. I would tell him "sorry, i don't think this is going to work out"  For fear of a Terry McMillian situation happening.  My mind can't handle such trauma.

[antonia parker]

Personally I believe that it would make that guy gay. I don't care if it happened 1 time, you were a willing participant therefore there is nuthing stopping you from trying it again. To me when you engage in homosexual activities that means you have "gay tendencies". If the right opportunity presented itself, that guy would probably "perform" again. I would respect the fact that he EVENTUALLY told me, HOWEVER I would also feel a certain type of way that he didn't tell me sooner.  If I have developed feelings & its serious, that means I have been dating him for a while & therefore he was being selfish by waiting so long to tell me instead of being upfront and honest about the situation and giving me the opportunity to decide if I want to continue the relationship early on before I got so deep in or not. Also everyone knows that when it comes to men and women there is always a DOUBLE STANDARD. I heard someone say once that 2 men that are homosexuals is considered "GAY" but 2 women that are homosexuals are not. In my opinion, there is no difference. Yeah it might look better to see to women rather than 2 big hairy a** men, but if we call a spade a spade, its all the same thing. Two women 2gether is just as GAY as two men.

[Obatunji McKnight]

A lot of good points made. This is more about whether being gay is a choice or an innate preference. The impression from most of these posts is that sexuality is a hot-button topic and most of us feel being homosexual isn't a choice. You are either born with the ability to act homosexually or you aren't. That categorizes people into simple groups based on something as complex as sexuality. But there is also another theme underlying some responses. There is the idea that someones sexuality can be forcibly changed, ie. like in jail or molestation. That is a powerful and scary idea. Especially when it comes to the african american community. Since before slavery times in western cultures darkness has been associated with masculinity and lightness femininity. During the Triangle slave trade and throughout the following time periods black people and dark skin were hyper-masculinized. Fast forwards to current times and with our all pervasive media, we have the "DL crisis". This creates an atmosphere of distrust between the sexes. Especially in a community already troubled by low marriage rates, low expectations, poverty and poor family life. I'm not saying this isn't an issue. It's a Big issue, the trust factor especially when it comes to sex. I'm saying white and asian people dont seem to give a damn as long as your ass is taking care of business. It's an issue for them I'm sure, but it's a larger hang-up in the black community because of the hyper-masculine stereotype of the black male. Black men are so imprisoned by this stereotype we don't even like to talk about these kinds of things like homosexuality other than to say how against it they are.

The choices people make sexually don't determine who they are. It doesn't even determine their sexual behavior with you. Sex is powerful. It is powerful enough that one action can influence the course of the rest of one's life, but the act itself doesn't make the person. It would be like saying women who have slept around with more than one or two men in their life are irrevocable hoes. If a person ever has engages in ho-ish activities then they have "sluttish tendencies". With the right dudes around, in the right situation she just might pop off again. That's true and not true. It's a contradiction and paradox. A lot of men have a period in their life when they believe that about all women, and think they may just be the guy to get her to cheat. Married women who fit this category would argue no, I love my husband, I would never cheat, but life continues to surprise us with situations we couldn't have predicted. (You're on visiting friends, that your partner was too busy with work to come see and you bump into Beyonce or Tyson the model or whomever you think is a superhot celeb, and they are really feelin you and tryin to show genuine interest in hooking up... easy to say we'd resist now but like someone said before, won't know till it happens)

Voicing my opinion, I wouldn't care what my girl has done before because she's with me now and if something happens outside of my expectations, we will deal with it. That was a conclusion I took a lot of time to grow into, I didn't always feel like that. If we part ways it wouldn't be because of the act itself, but because we felt the deception created too much distrust to continue.

Sorry for the essay.

And that's my, Honest Opinion.

Peace and Balance

[Frankela Albury]

Wow Oba, that's a very mature decision /conclusion to come too.  I guess for me, as a woman who has dealt with a lot of deceitful situations, trust comes hard for me.  So if someone tells me who they are.... well you know the rest.  Things that happen in extreme situations are different, such as getting raped and so forth.  Those are things you can't possible help. 

 

I believe people are born gay and it's not a choice.  But I have a contradictory thought to this as well, like people are exposed to situations that may help determine their sexuality or even experimental stages in life.  I must say though I don't think people tell everything about their past when they get married.  I personally don't in relationships. There are alot of things I don't believe are necessary to share,  I feel its the past and I'd like to leave it there in the past.  And if I don't feel it will affect our relationship, I won't share it AT ALL!!!!  Is this being deceitful?  I'm not sure, but I believe many people are like that.  If a man had a homosexual experience as a young man and felt it wasn't his bag and now is only committed to the one he's with, does it matter, it does, but it doesn't if you don't know.  Seeming that you are getting tested before & regularly when you're committing to be intimate and sharing your results. 

 

If someone tells me, I'm going to view them differently.  Not because I want to but stereotypes would make me say hey, are you sure you are not gay or don't have tendancies to want men.  I'd constantly question and constantly guess and be wary.  Just like men if they find out their girl used to be a hoe.  If they hear it or she tells them many of them will be very wary if she's around other men or has male friends/aquaintances.  That's why many girls don't tell men how many partners they've had.  Because the first time they find a chance they'll throw it in your face, even if they decide to be with you.  So sometimes somethings are better left unsaid.  In my opinion.

--

[Faunya Estrada]

Well, as Oba said, I think sexuality is being over simplified.  Things are not always black and white and you can't put every heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual in the same category.  My belief is that for some people sexuality is not a choice. but for some people it is.  I know a couple of people who chose to be with the same sex out of confusion, curiosity, a need to belong and feel cool or just plain pervertedness.  There are others whose first experience was with the same sex (not by choice) and it distorted their view of relationships and others who had been heterosexual their whole lives and happened to connect with someone of the same sex and took it to another level.  Some of these are things that can be changed (a choice) and others are so ingrained in the person, they wouldn't know how to change it if they wanted to. 

 

As far as keeping secrets go, what the spouse doesn't know won't hurt them until they find out.....and it is my belief that all things done in the dark eventually come to light.....in some way shape or form.  I believe that its always better to be completely honest with your significant other for several reasons, some of which are:

1) It is unfair to allow someone to make a life decision with you based on 1/2 the story.  Be honest and allow that person to decide if they are willing to deal with you, despite your past (present & future).  It is selfish to withhold information for your personal benefit and it is deceitful.  If a person cannot accept all that you are, then that is not the person for you.  There is someone out there who will.

2) If (and when) that skeleton falls out the closet, your partner will already know and the effect it has on your relationship won't be as severe.  When you withhold information and only reveal what is 'found out and proven' it will cause your spouse to always think that there are more secrets out there and the only way to truly know who and what they are dealing with is to continue digging until they get everything.

3) It builds a deeper level of intimacy with your partner.  Every secret you hold in and everything you hide creates a larger wedge between you and your spouse.  They don't know who you really are and your so busy trying to portray yourself as a certain type of person that you never really know who they really are.  As Lauryn Hill says in her song, Get Free!  Lies and secrets and skeletons are creating prisons that we are building around ourselves (yay! I'm going to see her in concert in a few weeks :-D).

 

Anywho.....I was speaking on the phone with a relative last week (who has quite a scandalous past) and she was telling me how upset she was because one of her close family members took it upon themselves to tell her husband about her past (as happens very often).  While she was upset that her family member had done such a thing, she also expressed that she was so glad that she had already revealed her past to her husband before they married and he had chosen to accept her baggage and all.... So, instead of causing issues in the marriage, that family member caused a deeper bond between the wife and husband.  Why? Because the husband now knew (even more than he had before) that despite the mistakes his wife made before meeting him, she was trustworthy and had revealed all of herself to him without him having to snoop around and find out on his own.  He knew that she had opened fully to him and made him want to do the same for her.

--
"Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are."

- Theodore Roosevelt

[Frankela Albury]

I believe a person should know and accept who you are, definitely.  But I'm don't have full disclosure and to be honest, most people don't fully reveal things of their past to a partner/husband, no matter who they are.  They give an edited version.  Somethings will never come out.  I'm sure I have things in my past and not because I'm evil or deceitful or dishonest for uncommitted that I will take to my grave.  End of story, no one knows these things about me.  GOD and GOD only.  I won't share them, because I choose not to, not even with a spouse.  I think many people are that way.  Even if they don't say it.  If I have something in my past that has shaped who I am today and will effect my relationship with a spouse, then yes I will give full disclosure about that.  But somethings for me, are better left unsaid.

 

I personally believe even if you are married, most spouses haven't told their partner each and every detail of their lives.  I'm actually a secretive person.  I'll tell my partner upfront if you ask a question, one be ready for the answer, because it'll be honest.  But you must ask.  Somethings I've learned through life that I don't share and may never share with my partner.  Will that change, I don't know but I highly doubt it.

 

BTW: Sidebar that person is probably lying, gave an edited version of the truth.

[Faunya Estrada]

Well, being that their husband was there in the background and all up in our convo.....that person wasn't lying too much.

 

Sidebar: I'm adding to the story and assuming the feelings to portray my point that it didn't cause issues in the relationship because he already knew.  If it had happened the other way around, the response would have been totally different and she would have been viewed differently by him.

 

2nd Sidebar: I am fully aware that most people don't reveal everything to their spouse and give an edited version of themselves.  I'm also aware that most relationships don't last, most marriages end in divorce or separation and many of the marriages and relationships that do last are not happy.  So, it is not my opinion that we should follow the majority.  I could care less what most people do. 

[Frankela Albury]

Most of those relationships and marriages end not because of a person past secrecy but something that occurred while married and/or dating.  If I had sex with 150 men should I tell my spouse. Hey I've had 150 men, 74 were one night stands I went down on 107 etc... no!!! I'd say I'm no angel I've been around and was quite wild before I met you. No need for full details. I'm tested & clean & I wont cheat.

>>>>> husband, I would *never* cheat, but life continues to surprise us with

>>>>> situations we couldn't have predicted. (You're on visiting friends, that
>>>>> your partner was too busy with work to come see and you bump into Beyonce or
>>>>> Tyson the model or whomever you think is a superhot celeb, and they are
>>>>> really feelin you and tryin to show genuine interest in hooking up... easy
>>>>> to say we'd resist now but like someone said before, won't know till it
>>>>> happens)
>>>>> Voicing my opinion, I wouldn't care what my girl has done
>>>>> before because she's with me now and if something happens outside of my
>>>>> expectations, we will deal with it. That was a conclusion I took a lot of
>>>>> time to grow into, I didn't always feel like that. If we part ways it
>>>>> wouldn't be because of the act itself, but because we felt the deception
>>>>> created too much distrust to continue.
>>>>> Sorry for the essay.
>>>>> And that's my, Honest Opinion.
>>>>> Peace and Balance
>>>>>
>>>>> --
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[Will]

HUGE LOL to "If I had sex with 150 men should I tell my spouse. Hey

I've had 150 men, 74 were one night stands I went down on 107 etc...
no!!! I'd say I'm no angel I've been around and was quite wild before
I met you. No need for full details. I'm tested & clean & I wont

cheat". Yes you most certainly should put that kind of information
out there. I agree that most people don't reveal their entire past to
their partners, BUT, that should also be within reason. If your past
has details in it that will impact how any generally normal person
would view you, I think its only fair that you disclose that
information. At some point, most people mature to a place where they
feel that a person's past is just that, their past, and they are
willing to accept that this person experienced life prior to meeting
them, but if your life experience will make me view you in a different
light, I think I have a right to know that and make my decision based
on knowing who you were as well as who you are. If I meet a woman who
used to be a prostitute, but now she's ready to settle down and have a
family, I have a right to know that information. I should be given
the option to decide if I can deal with your past or not. Its not
fair to force your bad decision making in your past on me, at least
not without telling me. This is for many reasons though, not just
because I may not want to or be able to deal with you being a former
"Woman of the Night". Your past decision making gives a lot of
insight as to how you deal with pressure and/or stress, as well as how
you face challenges. Bottom line, tell me everything!

On Jan 4, 5:47 pm, Frankela Albury <girlsgroup2...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Most of those relationships and marriages end not because of a person past
> secrecy but something that occurred while married and/or dating.  If I had
> sex with 150 men should I tell my spouse. Hey I've had 150 men, 74 were one
> night stands I went down on 107 etc... no!!! I'd say I'm no angel I've been
> around and was quite wild before I met you. No need for full details. I'm
> tested & clean & I wont cheat.

> On Jan 4, 2011 5:30 PM, "Faunya Estrada" <faunya.a.alb...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> > Well, being that their husband was there in the background and all up in
> our
> > convo.....that person wasn't lying too much.
>
> > Sidebar: I'm adding to the story and assuming the feelings to portray my
> > point that it didn't cause issues in the relationship because he already
> > knew. If it had happened the other way around, the response would have
> been
> > totally different and she would have been viewed differently by him.
>
> > 2nd Sidebar: I am fully aware that most people don't reveal everything to
> > their spouse and give an edited version of themselves. I'm also aware that
> > most relationships don't last, most marriages end in divorce or separation
> > and many of the marriages and relationships that do last are not happy.
> So,
> > it is not my opinion that we should follow the majority. I could care less
> > what most people do.
>

> > On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 5:05 PM, Frankela Albury <girlsgroup2...@gmail.com

> girlsgroup2...@gmail.com

> >>>> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 4:12 PM, Obatunji McKnight <obatun...@gmail.com

> >>>> > wrote:
>
> >>>>> A lot of good points made. This is more about whether being gay is a
> >>>>> choice or an innate preference. The impression from most of these
> posts is
> >>>>> that sexuality is a hot-button topic and most of us feel being
> homosexual
> >>>>> isn't a choice. You are either born with the ability to act
> homosexually or
> >>>>> you aren't. That categorizes people into simple groups based on
> something as
> >>>>> complex as sexuality. But there is also another theme underlying some
> >>>>> responses. There is the idea that someones sexuality can be forcibly
> >>>>> changed, ie. like in jail or molestation. That is a powerful and scary
> idea.
> >>>>> Especially when it comes to the african american community. Since
> before
> >>>>> slavery times in western cultures darkness has been associated with
> >>>>> masculinity and lightness femininity. During the Triangle slave trade
> and
> >>>>> throughout the following time periods black people and dark skin were
> >>>>> hyper-masculinized. Fast forwards to current times and with our all
> >>>>> pervasive media, we have the "DL crisis". This creates an atmosphere
> of
> >>>>> distrust between the
>

> ...
>
> read more »- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

[Frankela Albury]

Sorry had to stop my hands got cold.  Now don't get me wrong honesty is best.  But some instances don't require full disclosure unless it directly effects your relationship.  Like if you r raped & have problems with intimacy or u contracted an STD (that should always be disclosed). Or if you have 10 kids & 9 possible. Or a stalker ex whose getting out of prison.  Most things should be disclosed over time.  But somethings just don't matter much.

I'll give an example from my own life.  My ex and I were out once chilling with some friends and he proceeded to tell a story about a girl he had sex with then he said how it was a one night stand.  Now first let me say I knew he'd slept with a number of women, but he didn't know that one night stands disgust me. So this story made me lose my appetite and I couldn't be intimate with that image for about 2 weeks.  That was something I just never needed to know.  But if he had a female friend whom he once dated & was intimate with but failed to tell me. That's something that if found out would cause problems in our relationship.

On Jan 4, 2011 5:47 PM, "Frankela Albury" <girlsgr...@gmail.com> wrote:

[Donnie estrada]

The past should be told only is if it happens to or potentially can cause an issue in our current relationship. It should be a choice tell, I used to watch porn or pay for strippers as a young teen age boy. That has nothing to do with our future. Being that now I'm more mature, born again God fearing man. The problem is often times knowing to much can cause more damage then Good. Say this person is the right person for you, all that you ever wanted in a man. And the one day 5 years later, he tells you, he used to have a doll, named penlapee LOL. But for you that is strange and start looking to deep into and cause major issues because of this mans weird lifestyle. Bottomline if the past doesn't and wont effect the future then it shouldn't matter. Its only being deceitful if the past is still active and kept on the low. Not if the past is dead. Let the dead be with the dead and the living with the living ( whatever it says)

[Donnie estrada]

And another thing lets take the negative deceit out of the picture, but lets look at it this way. Sh

> life_talk+...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%2Bunsu...@googlegroups.com>

[Donnie estrada]

Sorry about! But should a women tell her husband ( jealous husband) another man hit on her today at work? Or should that be kept secret? I just feel like somethings that should be kept secret is all negative and that we all have a bit of deceitfulness in us now, in some form of fashion. But we live our relationship as normal no harm done

> <life_talk%2Bunsu...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%252Buns...@googlegroups.com>

[Will]

"The past should be told only is if it happens to or potentially can
cause an

issue in our current relationship. It should be a choice tell"...Who's
discretion are you using? How do you know what information will or
will not impact the future of the relationship if you don't tell it?
Information that's not important to you, may be important to me.
Reality is that everyone has a past, and no one is going to get all
the details of their partner's history, but for people to feel like
certain secrets should be kept while others should be told is like
saying that some lies are better than others.

On Jan 4, 11:26 pm, Donnie estrada <estrada...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Sorry about! But should a women tell her husband ( jealous husband) another
> man hit on her today at work? Or should that be kept secret? I just feel
> like somethings that should be kept secret is all negative and that we all
> have a bit of deceitfulness in us now, in some form of fashion. But we live
> our relationship as normal no harm done

> On Jan 4, 2011 11:21 PM, "Donnie estrada" <estrada...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> > And another thing lets take the negative deceit out of the picture, but
> lets
> > look at it this way. Sh

> > On Jan 4, 2011 11:15 PM, "Donnie estrada" <estrada...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >> The past should be told only is if it happens to or potentially can cause
> > an
> >> issue in our current relationship. It should be a choice tell, I used to
> >> watch porn or pay for strippers as a young teen age boy. That has nothing
> > to
> >> do with our future. Being that now I'm more mature, born again God
> fearing
> >> man. The problem is often times knowing to much can cause more damage
> then
> >> Good. Say this person is the right person for you, all that you ever
> > wanted
> >> in a man. And the one day 5 years later, he tells you, he used to have a
> >> doll, named penlapee LOL. But for you that is strange and start looking
> to
> >> deep into and cause major issues because of this mans weird lifestyle.
> >> Bottomline if the past doesn't and wont effect the future then it
> > shouldn't
> >> matter. Its only being deceitful if the past is still active and kept on
> > the
> >> low. Not if the past is dead. Let the dead be with the dead and the
> living
> >> with the living ( whatever it says)

> >> On Jan 4, 2011 7:20 PM, "Frankela Albury" <girlsgroup2...@gmail.com>

> >>> On Jan 4, 2011 5:47 PM, "Frankela Albury" <girlsgroup2...@gmail.com>

> >> wrote:
>
> >>> --
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>
> > <life_talk%2Bunsu...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%252Bunsubscribe@googleg­roups.com>
>
> <life_talk%252Buns...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%25252Bunsubscribe@goo­glegroups.com>

>
>
>
>
>
> >> .
> >>> For more options, visit this group at

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[Donnie estrada]

That is true but just because I don't care to my past, that I've been changed from doesn't label me a being deceitful. Deceitful is when one is acting one way but really living a life of a different person and keeping that a secret. But if I changed before you and yet to regress back to that lifestyle, then what's it to you? Will being your friend for many years, if I told you one day now that before I meet you, I was a male prostitute. Would that change how you look at me today? Or would it even matter at this point in life?

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[Faunya Estrada]

This is the point I was going to make.  You can not determine if that piece of information is important or how it will affect your relationship in the future.  An individual can only assume that it will or will not cause issues in the future....and that opinion will always be biased because they are looking for any reason to not tell their deep dark secrets.  My feeling is, if it is something that crosses your mind and you consciously make a decision to not share the information, it's probably information that your significant other deserves to know.  If it is in your mind, then it affects who and what you are today.  You may not want to share that information because you feel it will cause your spouse to look at you differently, but that is a selfish reason.  They deserve to know who they are with.

 

As far as the two made up scenarios given by Donnie, I think both of those tell alot about a person and affects who they are, how they think and how they react in certain situations.  Excessive porn and stripper interactions are proven to cause certain feelings and thoughts and reactions in individuals who partake.  I would want to know if my spouse previously partook on a regular basis.  I've never done research on men with dolls, but I would assume that it affects them similarly to those who masturbate excessively.

 

True story: When my husband and I first started dating, one of the questions he asked was if my mom and dad were still married and if I was raised in a two family household.  I thought his line of questioning was irrelevant and ridiculous, but when I asked why he explained that he found that females raised in certain types of households reacted differently in relationships.  Basically, he felt that my past (eventhough it really has nothing to do with anything I did or chose myself) would have an affect on my future relationship with him or any other man I may date.  Why wouldn't this be true when considering who I had sex with, what type of scandality I've been involved in, etc.  Of course it affects the current relationship.  It makes you who you are.....and it actually explains why you are the way you are. 

 

 

 

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[Frankela Albury]

This topic will never die.  LMAO.

 

But I love it.  I decided to ask someone who's about to get married in a few months and she has a great relationship from what I can see.  I asked her does she think full disclosure of her or her fiancee's past relevant.  She exclaimed NO!!! She said she hasn't told her partner about her entire past, some things she has just never talked about and vice versa doesn't care about his either.

 

They are not African American either.  Just sometimes I like to add a different flavor to the relevance of race, sense all of us are Black.

[Faunya Estrada]

Actually, everyone on this message board is not black.  The person who revived this convo after it sat in the vault for a while is Indian......and there are others represented, as well.

[Donnie estrada]

So I guess the word change doesn't mean anything to you? Meaning if I did it once or twice but decided not to anymore, I guess that persons decision to change and never repeat or think about or want to remember. Side bar a person would never totally forget there past, so it will always be there but how they react about the past is what matters. But all I am saying don't label if they are a good man or women in life now.

> Basically, he felt that my past (eventhough it really has nothing to do with

> anything I did or chose myself) would have an affect on my future
> relationship with him or any other man I may date. Why wouldn't this be
> true when considering who I had sex with, what type of scandality I've been
> involved in, etc. Of course it affects the current relationship. It makes
> you who you are.....and it actually explains why you are the way you are.
>
>
>

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[Frankela Albury]

Oh that's great and good to know.  I like to see other opinions. 

[Faunya Estrada]

I don't think we are discussing if a person is considered a good or bad person for doing certain things in their past or if it's possible for a person to change.  That's irrelevant to this conversation.

 

This particular conversation is related to if it is important to reveal your past to your mate or if it should be kept a secret.....and how to determine what should and shouldn't be told.

 

It's unrealistic to expect that every single tiny detail of one's past will (or even can) be told to their mate.  Many things are forgotten and overlooked and that is okay.  However, past behaviors, strange exploits and habits (even if they are no longer your behaviors and habits) should be revealed if you are planning to build a life with that other person.  It doesn't mean that you haven't changed.  It means that you value the person you are with and love them enough to reveal the full picture of who you are and what you are made of to them.....despite any perceived risks involved.

[Donnie estrada]

I guess we shall see ;) or you wont really see being its going to the grave with me! LOL

On Jan 5, 2011 3:16 PM, "Faunya Estrada" <faunya....@gmail.com> wrote:
> I don't think we are discussing if a person is considered a good or bad
> person for doing certain things in their past or if it's possible for a
> person to change. That's irrelevant to this conversation.
>
> This particular conversation is related to if it is important to reveal your
> past to your mate or if it should be kept a secret.....and how to determine
> what should and shouldn't be told.
>
> It's unrealistic to expect that every single tiny detail of one's past will
> (or even can) be told to their mate. Many things are forgotten and
> overlooked and that is okay. However, past behaviors, strange exploits and

> habits *(even if they are no longer your behaviors and habits)* should be

>> <life_talk%2Bunsu...@googlegroups.com<life_talk%252Buns...@googlegroups.com>
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[Frankela Albury]

Hilarious,  this discussion actually started out being about double standards of homosexual experiences between a man and woman and how it affects a relationship if revealed, especially if a man reveals he tried it and it wasn't for him.  Then progressed into secret keeping.

 

Kind of funny.  I personally as a single woman, when I date tend to ask a bunch of questions that may seem irrelevant but I've come to realize effects how a person acts/dates or loves  (affection) in a relationship.  I ask about previous relationships, how they ended, why they ended.  I ask about parents and relationships with men and their mothers.  It shows/or helps show how they view women and treat them.  I ask about fathers and relationships or family relationships.  I don't care how many women my man has slept with in his past. For me it's irrelevant unless he's ended his relationships in the past because he was a cheater.  But I'll get that by the relationship question.  As I've said before people will tell you who they are, you have to listen and you have to believe when they tell you.  In my personal opinion you get more out of a person about their personality within the first six months of dating.  Even if they try and hide things.  You just need to pay attention.  I pay attention to detail.  I take notice to red flags early on.  But because when I was younger I wasn't taught to see them, so I ignored them and hoped they'd get better.  They didn't of course, they only get worse.  People reveal who they are through actions, they can tell you anything. 

 

So somethings are irrelevant and knowing it won't matter one way or the other compared to how that person treats you.  Of course within reason.  I must stress if it's something that effects who they are today and who they are in your relationship then yes that matters.  But if they used to go to strip club with their boys. Who cares.  It doesn't matter.  It's the past and not really that necessary to share.