School Me

[Jai Jones]

Today I had a GREAT conversation with one of my homeboys from college. He felt that in his experience white parents make it a point to school their kids on the game of life, how to get ahead, relationships, sex, love, marriage, and all other sorts of nitty gritty. In contrast he felt that most if not ALL of his friends and family were sent out into the world flying blind because of the reluctance of black parents to admit their mistakes to their children and give them knowledge that is real, and raw, and applicable. If you had asked me a week ago I would have thought that this was a issue of "religious" parents versus non religious parents. But talking to him who was raised by very non religious parents it does seem to break down to more of a cultural issue.

 

So i wanted to get you guys' opinions on this. Do you think black parents are reluctant to regard their children as young adults and talk to them on that level. If so, why do you think that is? Do you feel that you were disadvantaged at all by having a parent or parents who were uncomfortable talking a bout real life issues with you? you'd think in the game of life parents would want to be the biggest influence in their childrens life...but if they are afraid or too nervous to discuss certain issues...won't that ensure that you learn everything from the streets in the school of hard knocks?

 

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*Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It is beyond me.-Zora Neale Hurston

[Frankela Albury]

I don't know if it comes down to a point of culture or religion at all.  I think sometimes it can come down to a point of gender though.  Men school their sons much differently than their daughters and mothers don't necessarily school their duaghters in the ways of the world.  Men readily tell their sons about their experiences both good and bad.  Mothers tend to hold back any experiences with their daughters and sons as well, in my opinion.  Father's also censor what they talk to their daughters about.  Not wanting their daughters to know about their possibly troubled past or whorish past, but in regards to boys, it teaches them how to have a certain bit of prowess and aggressiveness (that they may feel women don't need to possess).

 

I'm a mother of daughters and I feel sharing some of my experiences both good and bad on all levels.  That way I can help them make healthier better choices in life as far as education, spiritualization and relationships with friends, family and spouses.  They feel as if I'm more of a real person as opposed to putting me up on a pedestal. 

 

I remember being 16 and coming to my mother and asking her a ton of questions, and after much hesitation, she decided to let out a little dirt.  I was devastated.  I felt this woman who I held in absolute high regard and thought she couldn't be like all the "others" only to find out she actually was, was a complete let down.  Later on, after becoming an adult and mother myself I realized she's only human, but better to have let us know she was human early on, would have lessened the blow a little bit.

 

Sharing more of my experiences with my daughter's allows them to be more open and honest with me.  I never pretend to be "holier than thou"  just to keep them putting me up on a pedestal.  My daughters share things with me most children never tell their parents.

 

 

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[Angella Middleton]

Hmmm...interesting.  If you had asked me this without referring to your friend's experience, I would have thought the opposite - that black parents are more open and honest and white kids more sheltered.  At least that was my personal experience.  My mother was always very transparent about her life mistakes and seized every opportunity she could to impart some life lesson to my brother and me.  I remember often as a teenager and young adult making decisions with her voice in my head reminding me of some principle that helped me make more wise decisions.

 

Sorry to give this kind of answer, because I love to find a generalization that fits, lol, but I think it depends on the family.  Personally, I know people from both cultural sides who could fit into either one of the categories, and not enough from one side or the other to draw a conclusion about the whole.

 

On Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 2:52 PM, Jai Jones <jai...@gmail.com> wrote:

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[Faunya Estrada]

Hmmm.....I grew up in a both very religious and very black household, but that was not my experience.

 

From a very young age, my mom talked to us about relationships, sex, love, marriage, etc.  We didn't necessarily speak about money, business or getting ahead.......simply because she didn't have any real experience with those topics.  I do, however, remember getting talks from her about appropriate relationships with men and inappropriate relationships with men, as well as conversations about alcohol and drugs.  The things she didn't tell us willingly, my siblings and I were always free to ask....and sometimes demand her to answer.  Lol!

 

However, I think my mom was different than most black parents.  Most of my other family and friends had very different experiences.....from what I've observed.

Unfortunately, I can't compare it to any of my white counterparts.  I grew up in Harlem and went to a historically black university, so my dealings with other races are mostly professional (shameful, I know).

 

On Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 2:52 PM, Jai Jones <jai...@gmail.com> wrote:

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"Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are."
- Theodore Roosevelt

 

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People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get.
  - Frederick Douglass

[Jai Jones]

LOL...that's not shameful@Faunya. I never would have guessed that either about you.

 

All of your answers are helpful though. Angela, I like that your family didn't fit that mold. I wonder if single parents are more open than the average parent too...because they don't have to worry about the other parent hearing about what they disclosed later on. I am very candid with my son. But then again it's been just me and him for a long time.

 

There were a few times my dad started to hip me to some REAL game about men and how they operate and I saw my mom stop him with a look. I bet if we'd grown up with only him we'd have been a lot more dialed in before we left home.

[Angella Middleton]

Haha @ the look.  Get him Gloria! LOL

 

Jai you might be right about single parents.  Maybe since they are a single parent, at least one of their "mistakes" is obvious so it's easier to be more open about the rest.  As in, "no need in trying to pretend; you already know I'm not perfect."

[Jai Jones]

Yea. I think that's kind of the feeling. I'm like...you're going to have more questions than the average kid anyway so...let me just get y answers ready anyway.

 

Personal True Story: My son asked me for a little brother. I made the error of blurting out...I have to be married first baby. He was like...what??? you don't have to be married to have a baby. You have me....awkward pause...insert long fumbling conversation here.

 

Yea from then on I am a lot more prepared. HAHAHA

[Angella Middleton]

LOL!!!  Too funny!!

[Tamara Evans]

Interesting topic...

 

I never thought of it as being a race issue or gender issue, I thought of it as being more of a personality or heredity issue.  Let me explain...

 

I was raised you can say in a single parent household.  My mother is black and religious.  She did not talk to me and my sister about a single thing.  Like seriously still to this day she won't comment on certain things that happened in her life or about life in general. 

We had to learn from others or by making our own mistakes. 

 

My sister did grow up in the house with my father.. he too did not speak to her about the "hustle" of life.  He did beat her though if she did something out of order or if he thought she was out of order.  But never gave that life lesson.  He did more asking that he did telling. 

 

On the other hand, i have friends who's mothers would share things with them and teach them about being a woman and what all is involved with that; Aiye, Faunya, Angie.. ya'll mom's are the bomb.  I could just sit under them and talk for hours. Never really had that with my mom.

 

Other friends of mine may have had the same experience as myself when it comes to the parents communication.  But when i think about my mother, father, and others... I see it as being a pattern.  They have been raised in households where it was taboo to speak to children about adult things and the children just had to go out into the world and learn on their own.  Or the parents are mild mannered individuals, if that makes sense.

 

Even when i see my sister and how she handles my niece and teaching her... I often get on her about not communicating with her more and teaching her about money management, love, men, friendships, etc...

I know she has the same complaints as I do when it comes to our parents so i don't know why she would take the same path.  So i only think it must be because she is mimicking what she was taught, nothing.

 

I would like to think that when/if I become a parent I would make sure that when my children leave my house they are fully equiped to the best of my knowledge.  That i have taught them the best that i could and whatever i did not teach them is because it was something that they would just have to learn on their own and as being their own person. 

 

Umm.. I do have a few counterparts that are white and I guess their relationships with their parents are more on a friend level so they talk to them in a different manner.  A tone that i would never speak to my parents in for fear of being slapped or just plane disrespectful.  So maybe that is why it seems as if white parents are more open with their children.. because they befriend them. 

[Grier Zipporah]

Yeah I was raised in the same situation as Tammy. My home was full of
black people that did not talk, teach or share anything, like really
absolutely nothing. Even till this day they are the same way, so
frustrating.
I raised myself and learned everything on my own for the most part.
Could be the reason y no one could tell me anything growing up, I was
the boss, well once I refused to be beatdown. I picked up things from
friends and their families and others that I admired.

My grandmother was the only religious person in my home and you could
not ask her anything unless it was about God, and if it wasn't about God
she would make it about God. Ask a question and your answer will be to
go and Pray for the answer. I remember when I was young I was so fed up
one day I told her that even Jesus answers when you talk to him, his
response was not to go and pray about it all the time and sit in
meditation for an answer like a monk for the rest of your life. I was
probably still told to go and pray when I said that anyway.

I think it's more of a race with some character involved. I say the
character because there are blacks that are open enough in their
households without being inappropriate. I grew up close to some whites,
and from being in their households I think the parents befriending, yet
inappropriate or disrespectful in ways, did shape them because they
talked about any and everything to get the full aspect. Where with
blacks we just have the standard of you need to do this and that, or go
here or there and that's it. I know of only a few whites who did not
have parents that talked to them about much, but they would have an
aunty cousin or some family member that did, so they got it from someone
in the family.

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"Do what you can, with what you have, from where you
are."
- Theodore Roosevelt


--
People might not get all they work for in this world,
but they must certainly work for all they get.
- Frederick Douglass

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*Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make
me angry. It astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of
my company? It is beyond me.-Zora Neale Hurston

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[Jai Jones]

Thanks for the response Z. I think a lot of us grew up very much alike. Wonder if it's because all of our parents

ran in the same circle or came up under the same pastor???