A Dark Fable

[Chris Gilbert]

A Dark Fable: The Drow and the Sun Rod
By: C. S. Gilbert

Once upon a time there was a friendly male drow sorcerer who went to
the surface and frolicked in the sunshine even though it would give
him premature cataracts and cause his skin to bleach out. He met lots
of wonderful friends to run around with, even though not all of them
would frolic.

First there was the lovely female drow sorcerer who hated creepy
spiders and her friend the not so lovely but hairy female dwarven
cleric who liked to bash things in the head with her big hammer. Then
there was the big scary dead guy in the black armor and the fiery-
glowy sword of light. Also there was the crazy male dwarf cleric who
rode on a giant ant and drank all the time. There was also the human
guy who liked to steel stuff from bad guys after stabbing them lots of
times in the back and a weirdo lightning guy who chopped stuff with
his super lightning sword.

One day the friends found themselves in the lovely city of Eartheart
when they found a note asking for adventurers to go into the deadly
and darkly dangerous Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!). So they met
yet another dwarf who told them another story about another group of
other adventurers who went on another adventure to the same place in
the Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!) and never returned!

So the friends all agreed that they just had to go and see this deadly
and darkly dangerous place in the Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!) and
see if they could find still another dwarf who was the son of that
other dwarf with the adventure for our adventurers to go on.

They started on the adventure and went down into deadly and darkly
dangerous Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!). That is when they found
that it was really, really dark in the deadly and darkly dangerous
Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!). So the friendly drow sorcerer said
that he would hold the magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod to light
the way for the great adventure. Everyone was happy that he
volunteered, except for the big scary dead guy, but no one could tell
he was not happy because he was always wearing his big scary helmet.

The first adventure that our adventurers found was a falling tunnel
way deep down in the deadly and darkly dangerous Underdark (duhn,
duhn, duuuuhn!). After the dust cleared they found that they were
trapped! That is when the drunk ant riding dwarf found the old
dynamite that he used to blow up a new hole in the tunnel and blow up
his friend the human stabby-stealy guy. After the dwarves put the
human out cause he was on fire they healed him cause they were
clerics. And the whole time the friendly drow sorcerer held the
magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod to light the way for the great
adventure.

Now that they had a new hole in the tunnel they left the falling
tunnel behind so they could find more adventure. And the whole time
the friendly drow sorcerer held the magical lighty-thingy called a sun
rod to light the way for the great adventure.

The next adventure they found was the messy lava burning down holy
house of Moradin ruins with the crispy bodies of the other group of
other adventurers who went on another adventure to this same place in
the deadly and darkly dangerous Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!) and
never returned! Then there was a big fight with nasty hot fire bad
guys who all got killed off cause they messed with adventurers. So
they stole everything from the crispy bodies because the human stabby-
stealy guy said it would be a good idea and they found the special map
that showed all the secret places in the messy lava burning down holy
house of Moradin ruins. And the whole time the friendly drow sorcerer
held the magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod to light the way for
the great adventure.

Later they found another adventure with other dead guys but they were
bad dead guys and the scary dead guy said they should all be killed
again cause they were not his friends and they were doing bad things.
Then there was a big fight with those nasty dead bad guys and in the
middle of the big fight the friendly drow sorcerer that held the
magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod to light the way for the great
adventure got scared and pooted out his smelly drow darkness and there
was no more light from the magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod!

Then the drunk dwarf said dirty things about the friendly drow
sorcerer’s mommy and the weirdo lightning guy who chopped stuff with
his super lightning sword got his own magical lighty-thingy called a
sun rod out to light the way for the great adventure and those nasty
dead bad guys got killed again cause they messed with adventurers. So
they stole everything from the dead again bad guys because the human
stabby-stealy guy said it would be a good idea and they found treasure
stuff which is what adventurers like best.

The friendly drow sorcerer that held the first magical lighty-thingy
called a sun rod to light the way for the great adventure got sad
cause he realized he was dumb and never knew it before. But then he
felt better cause everyone except the lawful good drunk ant riding
dwarf and the lawful good scary dead guy lied and told him it was OK.
And cause they were not as dumb as the friendly drow sorcerer they
also told the weirdo lightning guy who chopped stuff with his super
lightning sword to keep his own magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod
out to also light the way for the great adventure.

After all that the friends found the great big super vault of
Moradin’s stuff in the messy lava burning down holy house of Moradin
ruins and had the toughest adventure yet!

The great big super vault of Moradin’s stuff had traps and the human
stabby-stealy guy knew how to get past them cause that is what he does
bestest. But the drunk ant riding dwarf scared his ant buy making
silly faces at it and it went running over all the traps. So the
traps got angry and started shooting at our adventurers. Then the
other traps that looked like statues of sexy dwarven ladies of the
redlight district started stomping around and trying to mash the head
of the human stabby-stealy guy cause he was trying to get into the
great big super vault of Moradin’s stuff and take the gold that the
statues of sexy dwarven ladies of the redlight district had apparently
worked all night for.

But it was all OK in the end for our adventurers. The human stabby-
stealy guy got the traps to turn off and the adventurers stole all of
the hard earned gold that the statues of sexy dwarven ladies of the
redlight district had apparently worked all night for plus all the
other treasure which is what adventurers like best that was in the
great big super vault of Moradin’s stuff.

That is when our adventurers decided they should leave the deadly and
darkly dangerous Underdark (duhn, duhn, duuuuhn!) and go back to
lovely Eartheart to see the other dwarf who had given the adventure to
our adventurers and give him back his crispy son and adventurer
friends. He was sad about his son but had a party anyway cause our
adventurers brought back a special book from the great big super vault
of Moradin’s stuff.

So they all partied and ate and drank and had fun except for the scary
dead guy who can no longer eat or drink cause he is dead, but he held
the magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod that is used to light the
way for great adventures so that the dumb friendly drow sorcerer would
not poot his smelly drow darkness and make the light go out.

And so long as the dumb friendly drow sorcerer does not hold the
magical lighty-thingy called a sun rod they will all live happily ever
after.

The End

P.S. I hereby dedicate this fable to Robert “Chip” Cox a.k.a. the
dumb friendly drow sorcerer. Thank you for your inspiration!