Parent to be checklist

[Daniel Hnyk]

Hello,

I am (probably) typical LW member - I like rationality, philosophy, hacking life and so on... 23 year old computer scientist, still studying and half-working, having stable, happy and extremely satisfying relationship for last 4 years.

10 days ago me and my girlfriend found out that we are unavoidably and unexpectedly going to become parents. We have planned a child already, but not now, rather few years later. Nevertheless, even anticonception has it's obvious limits and I now have 4 more months for preparation to become a responsible parent. We are not in a bad situation (we are supported from our mid-class families, we can probably finish our masters and so on) and we are now happy about it.

Finding out that most of the information about parenting on the internet is crap mostly written by unknown mothers without no sense for rationality, I am now trying to find more reliable information. Rational parenting, as it seems on google search, isn't so unusual and this LW groups is another support for it. There are already more information than I am able to handle.

Hence, I would like to ask if anyone ever tried to make some kind of checklist which would describe what I or my girlfriend should do, study, buy, prepare or whatever. This would help us to aim on specific steps in the order of their importance instead of chaotically reading everything...

Maybe it's not even possible to do otherwise :) .

Thank you very much,

Daniel!

[Gunnar Zarncke]

Hi Daniel,

  your suggestion for a evidence-based parenting checklist sounds good. It got me thinking on writing a blog post about it on my almost-there blog. But as that is some time off and pregnancy is already a very important phase at least I offer you the Biodeterminist's Guide to Parenting before it it too late:
    http://squid314.livejournal.com/346391.html

Also I'd like to know a bit more of what kind of checklist you have in mind. My idea would be the top evidence-supported pieces of advice for topics like

- support for new mothers
- feeding small babies (evidence and practice of breath-feeding or formula, when and how to start which kinds of food)
- caring for small babies (how to hold and carry them, diaper, sleeping in same room of not and getting to sleep, types of crying and pain)
- tips for sleep-deprived parents (how to get sleep, how to split work, sharing experience here)
- financial and legal advice (this really starts before the child bein born)
- what developmental milestones to expect and how they may manifest in the childrens behavior (and sleep and pain)
- ...

is that the direction are are looking for? What are you missing (except for the answers:-)

Yours
Gunnar

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[Katie Cohen]

Congratulations on your little one!!!   Having a child is one of the most amazing things you can experience, even in the most trying circumstances.  And it sounds like despite the lack of total forewarning and planning, you guys won't be in too bad of shape.

I'm sending you a private message too, and when I can get a chance I can try put together resources I could send the group.  Though I'm a single mom, so "when I get the chance" is probably like, by the time your kid is talking.

Do you think you'll be in the Bay Area in the future?  It's definitely one of the best places to be for computer programming and integrating into the rationalist community.  There's a growing rationalist parenting community (or more than one) so there will be a peer group for your child.  Though it has its downsides too.

Best,

Katie (mom to Andromeda)

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[Daniel Hnyk]

Hello!

@Gunnar:

Thank you very much for your help. I've read it through and it seems that except planning the month of conception, we are OK (we haven't done anything bad, at least). 

The proposed topics are great - that is definitely something I am looking for. What comes into my mind besides that is e.g. when and how to educate children with specific topics like languages or maths (e.g. we both speak English - should we speak on our little girl in English from beginning? There are mixed evidences for that.) or generally topic about unschooling. 

@Katie: 

Thank you for congratulations and your support. As I wrote, we are mostly OK. 

Regarding Bay Area. I should have mention that I am from Czech Republic and I currently don't plan to move to California again (I have spent few months in San Diego). Definitely not now, since the overhead connected with finding new accommodation, job and so would be quite stressful, at least. And even though here in CZ we are good with our capital, in CA we wouldn't be able to survive for long time with that... But I have already started LW group in Prague, so why not start LW parenting group here again? Another area where I would welcome some help :) .

Dne neděle 28. února 2016 19:46:20 UTC+1 Katie Cohen napsal(a):

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[Gunnar Zarncke]

Hi Daniel,

> The proposed topics are great - that is definitely something I am looking for.

Will keep you updated on that.

> What comes into my mind besides that is e.g. when and how to educate children with specific topics like
> languages or maths (e.g. we both speak English - should we speak on our little girl in English from beginning?
> There are mixed evidences for that.)

If you find a mode of speaking both languages that works for you, your child and your environment, then it might be a benefit for the child. But consider this:
- it will most likely mean that one of you speaks the second language almost all the time (that seems to be the most effectice mode)
- it may mean that the child understands both languages but nonetheless talks only in one (and may get confused when native speakers don't understand the other language).
- many advantages of bilinguality may become obsolete with improvements in machine translation

> or generally topic about unschooling. 

Interesting topic but not mine. Also consider the significant country specific differences.

All the best

Gunnar

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[Tom Adams]

Not exactly a checklist I recommend the book "Parenting with Reason: Evidence-based Approaches to Parenting Dilemmas".

Best read before the baby arrives because is discusses at least two issues need to be addressed before day 1:  (1) Preparation for early sleeping arrangements (2) Management of the pacifiers and bottles from day 1 to decrease the likelihood of "nipple confusion" if the mom wants to breastfeed.

[Daniel Hnyk]

Hey Gunnar,

regarding the bilingualism. Are you talking from your experience or could you provide your sources, so I can get more info? Even though machine learning translation is definitely going to come, I don't think it will be before my child could self learn (~6 years). And that is the main reason I'd like her to understand English - it will open her enormous amount of learning opportunities.

Thanks for the answer,

Daniel

Dne pondělí 29. února 2016 22:05:11 UTC+1 Gunnar Zarncke napsal(a):

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[Daniel Hnyk]

Thanks for the recommendation. Will definitely take a look at that.

Dne středa 2. března 2016 20:43:19 UTC+1 Tom Adams napsal(a):

[Robin Lee Powell]

On Sun, Feb 28, 2016 at 05:41:08AM -0800, Daniel Hnyk wrote:
>
> 10 days ago me and my girlfriend found out that we are unavoidably
> and unexpectedly going to become parents. We have planned a child
> already, but not now, rather few years later. Nevertheless, even
> anticonception has it's obvious limits and I now have 4 more
> months for preparation to become a responsible parent. We are not
> in a bad situation (we are supported from our mid-class families,
> we can probably finish our masters and so on) and we are now happy
> about it.

Congratulations on being in a good place when you were surprised!

My book reccomendation is "Brain Rules For Baby"; it's very
science-ful.

If you're in or around San Francisco, some of us meet up every month
or so; I could hook you up.

[Daniel Hnyk]

That seems quite promising. I am already listening first chapter. Thanks.

I am based in Prague, so San Francisco is definitely not one of my future destination if I don't get any work offer there. Thank you anyway