life
Catherine Ma
I have one distinct memory from my pre-kindergarten, thats as far back as I can remember, they stood me up on a podium, held my hands up high, and crowned me Queen of nap-time, with a celebratory ribbon upon my chest. That moment was when I knew I was gonna get far in life, it was my dream. uh-huh . . .
First grade, I triumphed, top of the world, that was me. Perfect grades and a cute face, my dream stayed strong.
Second grade, the teacher was talking to the class about multiplying 3 digit numbers, it was too easy, I rolled my eyes just as she turned to look at me, detention. The shame . . . my dream was fading.
Third grade, I was becoming more ruff around the edges, I cut in the lunch line, Detention. I was pulling at my dream, willing for it to come back to me, to give me something back, to help me.
Fourth Grade, it was a sunny day out side and the air was warm and sleepy, I was boiling! When break finally arrived, it was hotter than ever, I got up, stretched and said in front of everyone “ THANK GOD! I am so HOT!” . . . the dream was slipping, I wasn’t strong enough.
Fifth Grade, I didn’t study for my Chinese language test, the answers were right there in front of me . . . on another persons worksheet. I slapped my self mentally, your better than that! The dream begged at me, your at least better than that. I threw my dream in a desk and locked it shut, I would come back later, I told my self, I hated the feeling. I got 100%.
Sixth Grade, the year my life changed, my mom, siblings and myself all got on a plane to New Zealand. What a strange world this was, so much more cultural and freedom. The teachers were completely laid back, we swore, and threw punches at one another, we were completely free! I had made two friends; Luisa & Irma. Irma had moved from Yugoslavia and had been attending school in New Zealand for almost two years, she was my favorite. Things were going great, until one day Luisa came up to me and said : “ Are you really Irma’s friend?” I stood there speechless, well not really, more that I didn’t know what the “correct” answer was. She rolled her eyes “ Hello? Cathy, are you or are you not?”
“ Umm . . . I dunno, what do you think?”
“ Well, don’t tell her, but I think she is so weird.” She paused, waiting for me to agree.
“ Mmmmm . . ." that didn’t mean anything right?
“ Well, I think so . . .” she looked away, across the field, and thats when I discovered, the DARK SIDE OF NEW ZEALAND! It was horrible, being stuck in the middle, and just to make things worse, Irma’s sister Irena (who is also a very good friend) comes in to defend her sister, and I feel like screaming. Then one day, they found my faults, and both joined against me, there was no way out, no place to hide, literally! Every one lived on the same street! So, I decided to put my foot down, I was coming back home, I wasn’t going to deal with the crazy New Zealand world. I would be leaving behind 8 cousins, 9 aunties and uncles, my mom and my siblings, all so I could have a better life, all for me. I felt so selfish, so bad, why did this life have to be mine?
So, now I am back. With my dearest friends, my old home, my loving pets, and . . . nothing, emptiness, a sort of hollow feeling inside of me, I am missing something. Its digging though me trying to find a solution, trying to find ways out of this mess. I am expected to choose between my mom and dad, USA and New Zealand, how does one do it, how can anyone even bare to think of such things. The dream is gone, and every time someone says “Wow, you really came from New Zealand?” tremendous wave of guilt washes over me, it kills me.
Don’t ever let go of your dream.
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