Crazy thing called...(best of leftingual)
lefti...@gmail.com
.........For Valentine's Day, I have a word for you: "Compersion." It's
probably not a word you've ever heard.
.........Compersion begins the first time we are turned on by someone
else's pleasure, or the idea of someone else's love for anyone besides
us. You may think this is totally out-to-lunch. But for some people
it's totally natural. There are those who are not the "jealous type,"
and then there are those who just love love, no matter who's it is. We
all know it's possible. We may have an idea of how good it would feel
to dissolve into the safety, freedom and unconditional acceptance of
our lovers and all that they are, including the other people that they
may love, and how great it would feel to let them experience all that
we are, including the other people we may love.
.........This way of being is called compersion.
.........We've all found ourselves in a corresponding reality at one
time or another: trapped by love. Loving someone, feeling open and real
with them and sensing it could last forever, and then, mysteriously,
another soul enters the scene of our lives, conversations develop,
minds meet, sexual interests may grow...we know that there's not really
a conflict, or that there should not be one...but there is, or seems to
be...and we are left with a huge question of what to do, because our
present partner will probably just freak out if we tell them about our
experience. And the contradiction is that the experience of this new
person is so good. It is so real. And yet it threatens to destabilize
what we call love.
.........When informed that love is growing with someone outside of a
primary relationship, most people are, at first, unlikely to respond
with compersion. They may not quite be washed over with joy and tell
you that your love for this other person is thoroughly beautiful.
Usually, at first, people respond with fear -- usually, the fear of
loss of control. And it's that control that we are called upon to give
up when we embrace compersion.
.........If what I hear is true, then a lot of people reading this are
already getting nervous. The idea of allowing our partner to be free
may seem like a wild concept, the last thing we would ever do. Visions
of this person, our very lover, in another person's arms, can burn
through us like hot coals. But more to the point, the whole idea of
really feeling our feelings without denial or resistance is a daring
thing in itself. For so much of what we call love is really about
resistance, and hiding who we are, and possessing the other and hence
ignoring their reality, and judging ourselves for being imperfect
because we are so controlling. Hardly what you could call the divine
light of freedom. But many people feel that freedom is dangerous.
.........Now, relationships are complicated enough without adding other
people to the equation. Yet these other people seem to somehow add
themselves. We notice them in this insanely isolated, fragmented world
we live in, especially so because the way we create our relationships
is extremely isolating, in a time in history in which we so desperately
need community. So when people we really like show up in our jobs and
in our email boxes and move into apartments next door, when we pick up
on their scent and want to include them in our lives, it's not
something we typically want to resist or hide from the world. It's
something to celebrate.
.........Having noticed reality, we may feel a need to keep going, to
keep exploring. We need to allow ourselves to be free. And this will
take work. We need to teach people to love us for who we are. We need
to learn compersion for others -- to feel and express the love that
loves them for who they are. This is not as hard as it sounds. And
taking the journey is all the more appealing if we realize that all the
fear and insecurity that emerged when a second love interest entered
the picture were already there all along, a kind of festering toxin we
were living with in a secret shadow world that always seemed to haunt
the relationship. When the light is brought in, and the toxins are
purged, and we are seen for who we are, we can really begin living.
.........So one thing you can count on, if you are in a situation where
you need to teach another person compersion, is that they may relate to
the fact that it's better to be alive than dead. And the only way they
can love you is when they are alive. That means really free. Really
understanding and aware and loving you, not an image they have of you.
And you need to learn to love them, not an image you have of them. It
is tricky. It is challenging. But it is possible.
.........Compersion is an idea that emerged from something called the
"polyamorous" culture, a segment of society in which people openly
choose to have more than one committed lover. In such arrangements, it
obviously becomes necessary to work through jealousy, but in the early
days of the polyamorous movement, something else was discovered: once
jealousy was understood and hearts opened, great feelings of warmth,
pleasure and appreciation became available at the idea of peoples'
partners loving others. In other words, the bliss of love and sexual
ecstasy would expand in a wave-like ripple. When people drop their
guard and just feel, so much pleasure is possible -- more than we ever
imagined.
.........Sure, other stuff comes up, but it was already there, and it's
as though love is washing it out of us so that we can really be free.
And that other stuff -- resentment, anger, fear of abandonment, and the
rest -- all needs to come up in order to give the relationship a chance
to have life. Swept under the rug, these things are far more damaging.
.........Growing through them is a process. It's relatively easy go get
turned on witnessing another human being's ecstasy or erotic joy. It's
a lot more challenging to live with the implications this experience
seems to have in our relationships, and is part of the delicate walk of
negotiating our sense of security in the universe. We don't want to
lose this other person who is so dear to us, whether we lose them to
another person, or because they can't deal with their fear of losing
us.
.........Love, as we often define it, is usually considered to be an
exclusive rather than inclusive game. Someone loves you and therefore
doesn't love anyone else. But when you add it up, this usually comes
out to a loss, because in our short visits to the planet, in a healthy
state of mind, we might want to love everyone who is righteous and
true, and to return the love of everyone who touches our hearts, and
call that safety and nothing else. For living in the constant fear of
loss and betrayal is hardly safety; it is hardly the security we say we
seek; it is a setup for total paranoia, but strangely, sadly, it's
called love.
.........And as for sex -- it's no big secret that we're turned on by
many people. But it's only been the "moral high ground" of certain,
let's say, social movements, that has instigated the idea anything but
strict heterosexual monogamy and sex for reproduction only is
permissible. In this world, do we need to live by these ancient codes?
Well, not if we are honest.
.........It is true that if one's lover has sex with another person, or
even gets close to another person, they may choose to be with that
person and not you. And this is a possibility we have to face no matter
what. Living the way of compersion brings this to the surface where we
can see it and work with it.
.........Yet remember that more often, jealousy has nothing to do with
one's partner actually having sex or sharing love outside the
relationship. It is about the imagined fear of loss. We can become
jealous at the mere idea or suspicion of this, or at our partner's
fantasies, and even at the love shared with him or herself. In plenty
of relationships people stop masturbating (and creating art or music or
writing or taking long walks in the woods) because it's perceived as a
threat by their partner. And that is not life.
.........Compersion takes us to the next realm beyond. It is about
being with and appreciating our partners for their desires, dreams,
wishes and their personal journey to selflove. It's about being real,
and having relationships as real people.
.........And how do we get there?
.........Start by telling the truth. This is what we need anyway.
Sharing this truth we possess in our hearts, the essence of our being,
is supposedly why we got involved with this other person in the first
place. It's important to tell the truth gently, clearly and without the
fear or the intention of hurting the other person, but not holding
back, either. Then, because we are claiming the birthright of love, we
must love them through their reactions and responses. This is a
commitment it's best to go into the situation with. And we must love
ourselves through their reactions, which is to say, not feeling guilty
about who we are. So listen carefully, and let your partner own his or
her feelings.
.........We must be ready to put love -- real love, which I am calling
compersion -- above any given relationship. So we must, on one level,
be ready to let go of those relationships in which we cannot be free,
if what we seek is the freedom to be who we are. This does not hold
just for sex and affection; it holds for those walks in the woods and
those paintings that never get painted and the short stories that never
get written. It has to do with not living where we want and not
following all our other dreams. It is all part of the same thing, and
it never ceases to amaze me to what extent sexual freedom parallels all
these other freedoms. And freedom means that change is possible;
freedom by definition implies change.
.........In the context of a close relationship where these matters
arise, it's important to stay focused on selflove. Selflove is the
basis of all love anyway. If the process of your relationship is moving
toward compersion, what you may notice is that sex with your primary
partner was never hotter. Aware of the potential for change, we tend to
appreciate what we have ever more. So enjoy these enhanced experiences,
and don't expect them to end as long as you're really being honest,
because honesty leads to intimacy and intimacy is a good doorway to
erotic passion.
.........But selflove is an extraordinarily powerful tool in this
process. I suggest you masturbate together, one at a time, without
touching. This will assist greatly when both partners are willing to
work through a jealous crisis because it creates a very clear picture
that the other is sexually independent of us. And it is a fairly easy
vision of sexual independence to see the beauty in. Let your erotic
energy and that of your partner wash away the fear, the discord, the
pain and the insecurity of what you once called love.
.........Feel, if you can, how how erotic a jealous experience can be.
When you are feeling jealous, swim into the core of the experience.
Encourage your partner to do the same. Help them if you can. Right
inside the jealous episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may
surprise you how good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure
you're stepping right into compersion.
.........Last -- or actually first -- ask for help. Talk to
understanding friends who you know will not encourage you to lie about
your feelings, or judge you for being honest. But if you are on a
spiritual path, ask your inner teacher for help. Whether you call this
teacher the Goddess, God, the Holy Spirit, angels or by any other name,
the only way spiritual agency responds is if we open the door. The
movement from jealousy to compersion is one of the most direct
spiritual paths there is, because we are learning so much of what
spiritual programs attempt to teach: unconditional love, surrender,
forgiveness, freedom, safety, and, most important, loving the way
Spirit loves us: equally with everyone else. Loving this way may be the
only spiritual lesson there is.
.........We know we live in a harshly moralistic society which serves
to deny creativity, love and pleasure at every turn. The very fact of
being willing and daring to explore another person's sexual responses,
ideas, desires, feelings and realities is a challenge to this morality
and control. To do so outside the bounds of a one-on-one relationship
is even more daring, but, it seems, for many people, to be an
inevitability