Disinfotainment Today Issue #181 Part Two

[Michael Dare]

Issue #181

(Part2)

is brought to you by...

Human/Animal Hybrids

 

 

Arithmetic from Hell

 

The war in Iraq is costing about $4.5 billion per month, or $100,000 per minute. The population of Iraq is about 26 million. That's about $180 per person per month. The current average income in Iraq is about $500 a year, or about $40 a month. We could more than quadruple the income of every citizen of Iraq for the price of the war against them.

 

The Absolute Bottom 50 Charitable Organizations

 

1. Jerry's Yids
2. National Organization for the Reformation of Bestiality Laws
3. Americans For Kid-Free Drug Zones
4. Fry Tookie
5. Zillionaire Urban Socialites For Swanky Benefit Dinner Parties
6. The Hare Krishna Head Lice Relief Council
7. The Damnation Army
8. Shave the Children
9. M.A.D.D. - Mothers Against Dickless Daddies
10. The Pro-Abortion Fetus Murderers Association

For the rest, go here.

 

Calling All Writers

 

Win $500 with the best opening line. (Warm up by reading this selection of the 100 best opening lines.)

 

Stupid Film of the Week

 

It's Brokeback Mountain. It's Back to the Future. Stop, you're both right. It's Brokeback to the Future.

 

Rockin' Film of the Week

 

Iraq: The Musical!

 

Stupid Question of the Week

If Bush were just as crazy as those Muslims,

how would he react when he saw this cartoon?

 

Testimony of the Week

 

"President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale."

- Alberto Gonzales to Congress -

 

"We're monitoring King George's Blackberry."

- George Washington in an email to John Adams -

 

"Something's got to be done about the rebel's use of disposable cell phones."

- Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg blog -

 

"You better not annex the Sudetenland."

- Woodrow Wilson's text message to Adolph Hitler -

 

Answer to Last Week's Ridiculous Variety of Stupid Questions

 

What have you stored for the coming panic?

 

Top Ramin, night vision scope, solar powered LCD lights (last 100,000 hours)

- Tony

 

Plenty of Zoloft.

- Julien

 

Lorazapam, lots and lots of Lorazapam.

- Stephen Thoemmes

 

1. A box of shattered windshield glass.
2. Salad shooters with which I will arm my army of monkeys.
3. A Bic Lighter. But it needs fluid and a new striker wheel. Also, there's a hole in the plastic thingy. But I'd sell it for $86 OBO (It has sentimental value). Will consider a trade for a squirrel paw.
4. The memory of the $4,300 cash I think I left in the bathroom at a toll oasis on I90-94 Eastbound. If you find it, call Mike. $50 reward.

- David Watson

 

"Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

- Major T.J. "King" Kong

 

1. Pencils and paper and manual sharpener, natch! -- so I can write about the experience and poke people's eyes out or paper-slap them to death (if required.)
2. Dried fruit and nuts. I'm really NOT into pre-processed foods and could live a lot longer on those than I could live on canned anything.
3. Aspirin. Mountains of them.
4. Vitamins -- powdered (I'll presumably still be able to create saliva, even if I run out of water.)
5. Used (cleaned) plastic Dasani bottles filled with drinkable water and a totally cool hiding place. I'm not going to be carrying a hundred-gallons of water around with me after a crisis and neither, by the way, is anyone else unless they plan to be driving, which may or may not be an available mode of transport, and it may not be a mode for long as gas will be needed too.
6. Disinfotainment Today columns. Fun reading during daylight hours. And a fave book or five. Whatever I can carry.

- Julie

 

Ear plugs. Panicking people whine a lot.

- Locke

 

You think I'm gonna tell you and have you come break down my door to steal it all? How the heck am I gonna profit from it all if I let you steal it?

- Name Withheld By Request

 

What is my quote in Esquire?

 

"To have hair is human, to forgive baldness, divine."

- watermn

 

"You have nothing to fear but nothing itself"

- chris from boca

 

"A magazine very few people read."

- Locke Milholland

 

    I have a pretty good idea what it is. ;-)

    In less than 12 hours I pickup the rental truck. We're "emigrating" out of Kalifornia to an undisclosed point somewhere North. I'd hoped to meet you, being but an hour East, alas 'twas not to be. Ya never know... you might just find yourself in my neck of the woods one day.

    Very recently a doctor point blank asked me for a quotation. Without a moment's hesitation I bespoke:

    "Solvitor con ambulando."

    It was apt for the situation, it is apropos for many.

    "It is solved by walking."

    For some reason, that quote has supplanted a former favorite, "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori."

    Too damn much "mori" these days. As for "decorum?" That is perhaps amongst the greatest of lies.

    Carry on the good work. I look forward to every Disinfotainment.

- Herr Bookmonger

PS Esquire? WTF

Any time an industry can make millions by spreading fear through the actions of one individual, you gotta ask yourself what?

 

    As the Romans would put it - qui bono? In other words, who benefits from terrorizing many people to change something? There's your suspect. It was just a fancy way of saying, Follow the money in Latin.* The Romans were a lot of things, but they were not stupid. No one that has an empire like theirs can be considered stupid.

    * Unfortunately, you then need someone with the willingness to do so and the power to do something about it. That's what's sadly missing in the US today.

- Sarek of Vulcan

 

Are the profiteers employing the terrorists?

- chris from boca

 

"It's been a damned effective way of keeping Americans scared to death about everything in their lives and, as we've found out from years of scientific studies and behavioral testing, fear is a prime motivater and a sure way of eliminating any faculty for reasoned judgment, from pushing pills to political platforms. Just consume and cringe, folks! Thank God for the reptilian brain!"

- Signed, Your Corporate Masters

 

What wouldn't they do?

- Waldo

 

How can I make a buck doing something like this?

- watermn

 

It's like mad libs: If the terrorist can make you take off _(noun)_, then they have already _(adj)_.

- Locke Milholland

 

What one thing can I do to screw up everything for everybody else?

- Michelle

 

Would you give 10 percent of the passengers 90 percent of the goods? 

 

Robin Hood tried it, William Wallace tried it, Russia tried it, Sweden still suffers from it, Mexico has it and produces nothing but siestas. There is no equality, there is no evening-out of infirmities and disadvantages. Nature is cold and hard. One can only mitigate without opening up a Pandora's box of new problems and without a government to force the issue (which we have now shoving things up our ass daily) motivation for what one needs is the only driving force that propels change and greed is the grease that motivates one to do over and above what is necessary for others to share in raising a standard from poverty to a higher or more tolerable condition. Take away motivation and you create apathy. Moderation of giving, or rather giving the fishing pole not the fish is the answer. Create opportunity, not free cash. Decades of the "Great Society's" handouts have shown you that much.

- watermn

 

No, but If the 10% is who I think we're talking about, I'd be willing to give the 10% over to the Somalian pirates.

- Locke

 

Is the correct answer No? Well yeah it is. The correct answer is no. But on this earth - oh never mind you already know.

- Michelle

Who Killed Martin Luther King?

 

J. Edgar Hoover and a select assassination unit of the FBI. James Earl Ray was just a patsy. Or else maybe Soupy Sales.

- VLA

 

His own good heart

- Waldo

 

We the people, in resisting to form a more perfect union.

- Locke

 

Um didn't they execute some guy already? Aren't we supposed to believe he did it? Oh wait - the answer is you and me, right? No sorry that was the Kennedys.

- Michelle

 

Was that a question?

 

No, Mrs. Premise, it was a conclusion!

- watermn

 

No. But it was an interesting thought.

- Michelle

    Call this an answer?

    Scene: The U.S. Midwest, many years ago while the Vietnam War was still raging. Three teenagers spray paint "Hell No We Won't Go" and a peace sign on the brick wall of a suburban high school. The graffiti is large; the message and symbol are about six feet high and twenty-five feet wide. Some good citizen driving by calls the cops, and describes the car the miscreants were driving. Two police cars chase down the suspects to a local supermarket parking lot. Housewives doing a little late evening shopping before the store closes at ten are greeted to the sight of two cops, one of them with his gun out, while the other is frisking three scruffy, long-haired kids of 17, all of them leaning forward over the one of the squad cars, legs spread apart, hands on heads. One of the late shoppers with her cart full of groceries calls out, "Say, Kenny, is that you?"

    The cop with the gun growls, "This is a criminal investigation, ma'am, and the suspects aren't allowed to talk to you."

    "Says who?" yells Kenny, "That's my next door neighbor. Tell my mom, okay?" But the woman moves on without replying, grimly deciding to mind her own business.

    Another squad car pulls up, and a corpulent gray-haired man with gold braid on his cap gets out. "Frank, put your pistol away," he mutters condescendingly to the young cop with the gun.

    "But these boys are dangerous!" Frank protests.

    "What did they do?"

    "Defaced school property with political stuff."

    "Oh, for God's sake. Petty school vandalism? Put 'em in your car and take 'em in so they can call their parents -- do it NOW!"

    Reluctantly, Frank holsters his gun and takes the boys to the police station. Misdemeanor charges; they were released in an hour. Later, they were fined $25.00 each and sentenced to clean the graffiti off of the brick wall. And they were all grounded for a month by their parents.

    Point of the story? If that had happened these days, Frank probably would have shot Kenny for mouthing off. And gotten away with it.

- VLA

 

If that was a question, this is an answer. Does proving you have a bigger budget make up for having small penises?

- Locke

Would you trust the majority to choose who gets to be captain when they could choose Lord of the Dunce?

 

America is more like a leaky 'Lifeboat' these days than the luxury cruise ship it used to be. I'd trust Tallulah Bankhead to choose the captain, maybe, but not the Nazi naval officer who offered to do all the rowing, and was hoarding his water. Walter Slezak now seems to be in charge of our Ship of State, and he's hiding the compass from the rest of us. Unfortunately, in this new GOP Studios version of the Hitchcock classic, John Hodiak was tossed overboard in the first reel, along with the injured William Bendix.

- VLA

 

No, but long long ago, in an idealistic world, far far away, I thought it more important to vote my conscience than for the best of most possible outcomes and voted Ralph Nader.

- Locke

 

Okay Okay I know this one. The answer here is definitely no. We need a knowledgeable captain. But then again once upon a time I think people used to really listen to what the captain candidates would say and look at what they really did. But then that was before television. Oh not really. That is the fantasy isn't it?

- Michelle

 

How can we evolve beyond survival of the fittest and into survival of everyone?

 

Due to a condition known as death, we cannot.

- Julien

 

We can't. We are in a period of reverse Darwinism socially and things are going to get much worse before they get better. We are going to have to regress through the Dark Ages again before we crawl back up to the Age of Enlightenment. If we survive without ending up speaking Chinese, or turning into reptiles, we'll be lucky.

- VLA

 

New rule, if you believe in intelligent design, you eat only food intelligently designed. If evolution, you eat all foods resulting from evolution.

- Locke

 

What would you add to the original constitution?

 

That Disinfotainment Today be the official blog for the Republican party. The message would get through eventually, non?

- Waldo

 

I would require that politicians' children be the first ones conscripted into any war their parents voted in favor of. and not just first into service, first into battle. period. then we'll see what is essential to national security and what isn't.

- chris from boca

 

    All elected offices of the land, from assistant dogcatcher to Chief Justice of the United States, President to Constable's Clerk are considered public service, and those holding these positions are considered public servants. No one may seek office. Instead, all of the positions are listed every six years. Each citizen is responsible for naming at least one individual other than themselves into a pool, and swear and affirm that this nominee will feverishly protect rights, the Constitution, simple human decency and those most in need of protection. Every six years, names from this pool are DRAFTED BY LOTTERY into all the positions. At this point, they are compelled to be servants, not citizens. Their food housing and healthcare are paid for. They receive no salary or other benefits of any kind, and must start their lives fresh at the end of the six years, having been sufficiently humbled and enlightened by their experience as servants. As soon as all public office is seen to be as much of an inconvenience and responsibility as jury duty, those offices will cease being corrupted. Once you're drafted, you serve your duty as best you can, affix your name to all the acts put into place under your office (and only written, signed documentation will have the force of law), and try your best to resume your life when you're through. For the rest of your life, your address is public domain and any citizen affected by a law you signed can write to you and, if egregiously affected, seek due payback.

    The exception to this six-year limit are the 535 Congressional seats (House and Senate) and state legislatures and comptrollers. Their term is not limited to time, but to money. They may propose, authorize, lobby for as many bills as they please, with this limit: As soon as they vote for X amount of dollars, say 6 billion in Congress, their term expires and their position filled from the "duly diligent citizen's pool" as soon as the draftee can be sent to the chamber. A Congressperson, legislator or comptroller cannot authorize by vote or signature any bill or expenditure that exceeds his budget limit. Such draftee to office may, after six years, step down if he is within five percent of his budgetary term.

- Jimmy McConnell

• You have the right to cable TV.
• You have the right to sing the blues.
• You have the right to shoot the neighbor's cat with your BB gun when it comes into your yard.
• You have the right to grumble about doing things you don't want to.
• You have the right to watch football on Thanksgiving.
• You have the right to run out of the base path.
• You have the right to eat anything you kill.
• You have the right to piss in the woods.
• You have the right to major in general studies.
• You have the right to cast spells while wearing armor.
• You have the right to overeat, oversleep, and overdress.

Cheers,

- Charles Watkins

 

    Lobbying/Lobbyists/anyone seeking preferential attention will be shot on sight. No one has Special Interests, all are equal, any covert or 'side deals' are hanging offenses.

    Air, water, dirt are freely given by the Creator and shall not be restricted, controlled, taxed or any other method of man-made laws or ownership. What the Creator grows from the dirt, air & water is free & unencumbered, shall not be denied to anyone who nurtures and harvests their labor efforts.
Anyone who damages, taints, or diminishes the Creator's air, water or dirt shall be hung from the Creator's tallest product (tree) as an offering to the Creator for apology.

    Rulers who demand of their followers shall first demonstrate their request voluntarily. IE; Those who call for school children to be drug tested shall first be tested themselves daily as an example and proof of their own clean & honest life style. Lab analysis selected random double blind anonymous by foreign laboratories to assure their quality and reliability. Those who request psychological mental health screening for school children shall first be tested themselves bi-annually as proof of their fitness for their position.
    The mental health screenings to be performed by college Psychology trainees on rotating random selection from every community. The daily drug tests to be performed by random college Law Enforcement students, all to be filmed by college Visual Communication students as part of their course work, to be broadcast on school, educational, & Public TV.
    The DARE students shall select from a hat which community's drug sniffing dog team will be sent weekly to inspect every nook corner & cranny of the White House, Capital, Congress, and all Public Servants private quarters as training and insurance that Government Leaders and their Associates are not at risk of compromise by illegal drug use or storage.

- VLA

 

The Real Bill of Rights

• Amendment I: Congress shall create a new religion that incorporates church and state so that the present reality shall continue on without interruption, by merely replacing the one true God of Christian foundations with that of a dogma that worships money, and make no law prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances unless ordered so revoked by the President of the United States or the government at any time.
• Amendment II: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bare unsleeved arms, shall not be infringed.
• Amendment III: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law when the government says so.
• Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Phone calls, cars homes, businesses, and any personal areas shall not be included in these rights.
• Amendment V: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. The actual service in time of war or public danger is subject to Presidential decision and can be declared at any time preempting all the above.
• Amendment VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall not enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be not be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have no assistance of counsel for his defense.
• Amendment VII: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. The exception being when the President of the United States decides to create a Fascist state and declares otherwise.
• Amendment VIII: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless terrorism is mentioned in any form, and then such bail shall become unattainable at any cost or time frame.
• Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless someone mentions terrorism, in which case no one shall retain any rights.
• Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people, until Fundamentalist Christians decide to force their will unto the majority by buying elections of hapless politicians who must dance to the music made by those who have paid the most and therefore enabling the powerful to do their bidding.

- watermn

 

Because we wrote this in the 18th century it should be interpreted in light of new advances and unforeseen societal circumstances far beyond our grasp to predict, but inevitably intended protected rights.

- Locke

 

    I love it! Especially the laws expiring! I've always felt this way.

    Changes would be: Prison officials elected for 4 years and Supreme Court for 12 years (1 term only), but elected by the people, not the Senate. Oh. and the money must be backed by gold. Please. please. please get someone to consider this platform. It's what we the USA and the world needs.

    Thanks,

- Dean

If you could take any old record and redo it with any other musicians, or if you could take any old movie and re-edit and re-cast it any way you wanted, what would you do?

 

I'd go for a walk.

- chris from boca

 

MUSIC

Jimi Hendrix with the Gil Evan's Orchestra featuring Gene Krupa on drums and Benny Goodman on clarinet at Carnegie Hall IN 1939 performing "Sing, Sing, Sing."

MOVIE

Russ Meyer directs The Wizard of Oz to include lesbian witches, midget vixens, and naked munchkins on acid and Dorothy has to seduce the Wizard to get home.

- watermn

 

    Ling ling the panda for King Kong. It'd be more of an allegory for the times.

    Sarah Michelle Geller and Natalie Portman in Brokeback Mountain. It'd be more of an allegory for my dreams.

- Locke Milholland

 

Who cares?

 

    Not I said Dick the Duck.

    Not I said Sam the Katz.

    I am here to represent for the THIRD group; We learned long ago that it is NOT necessary to hold an opinion on every single thing that crosses your radar. Possibles are more flexible, but still insist on the uniquely amerikan notion that holding an opinion = intelligence. The impossibles are utterly convinced of that, and are so terrified that they can't even loosen their sphincters enough to exchange one opinion for another. The momentary gap would be excruciating.

    We feel no compulsion to hold an opinion on each and every subject, that way we can dedicate ourselves to just a few that are important to us, and not give ourselves an anxiety attack over everyone not necessarily agreeing with us. You im/possibles all fret over that way too much. Who cares (much of the time)? You are exhausting.

- Tim Omachi: Atheist pervert

 

Yes, the stuff you make up is entertaining.

- E.

 

Don't Take My Word for It

 

"The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time."
- William Butler Yeats -

 

    "As the George W. Bush administration ratchets up its domestic spying capabilities, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is collecting 'research' reports on direct-action environmental groups produced by right-wing think tanks...

    "Recently, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) discovered through a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request that the FBI has been collecting information from partisan, ideologically-driven right-wing think tanks that have long had environmental activists in their crosshairs.

    "A segment of a recent broadcast of National Public Radio's show Living on Earth called 'Big Brother' explored the FBI's programme that spies on environmental activists. Guest host Jeff Young introduced the piece by noting that the passage of the U.S. Patriot Act had 'expand[ed] the government's power to monitor U.S. citizens in its fight against terrorism'.

    "Young pointed out that he had noticed - while examining nearly 2,000 pages of documents - that the FBI had been depending 'pretty heavily on research done by a couple of think tanks that are very conservative, pro-business, anti-regulation in their mindset and their mission' for information on Greenpeace, a longtime environmental group involved in peaceful protest activities."

- Bill Berkowitz: Green for Danger? -

 

"Using the powers of the office of President of the United States, Richard M. Nixon, in violation of his constitutional oath faithfully to execute the office of President of the United States and, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, and in disregard of his constitutional duty to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, has repeatedly engaged in conduct violating the constitutional rights of citizens."

- House Judiciary Committee, 1974 -

 

"Some legal questions are hard. This one is not. The President's authorizing of NSA to spy on Americans is blatantly unlawful."

- Geoffrey Stone: University of Chicago law professor -

 

"If President Bush is totally unapologetic and says I continue to maintain that as a wartime President I can do anything I want - I don't need to consult any other branches - that is an impeachable offense. It's more dangerous than Clinton's lying under oath because it jeopardizes our democratic dispensation and civil liberties for the ages... The chilling danger created by President Bush's claim of wartime omnipotence to justify the NSA's eavesdropping is that the precedent will lie around like a loaded weapon ready for the hand of the incumbent or any successor who would reduce Congress to an ink blot."

- Bruce Fein: conservative legal scholar who served as associate deputy attorney general in the Reagan Administration -

"The President believes that he has the power to override the laws that Congress has passed. This is not how our democratic system of government works. The President does not get to pick and choose which laws he wants to follow. He is a President, not a king... He's President George Bush, not King George Bush."

- Senator Russ Feingold -

 

"I beg to differ. He lost both elections. He's not even President."

- Mr. Cranky -

 

    "George Bush considered provoking a war with Saddam Hussein's regime by flying a United States spyplane over Iraq bearing UN colours, enticing the Iraqis to take a shot at it, according to a leaked memo of a meeting between the US President and Tony Blair.

    "The two leaders were worried by the lack of hard evidence that Saddam Hussein had broken UN resolutions, though privately they were convinced that he had. According to the memorandum, Mr. Bush said: 'The US was thinking of flying U2 reconnaissance aircraft with fighter cover over Iraq, painted in UN colours. If Saddam fired on them, he would be in breach.'"

- Andy McSmith: Bush plotted to lure Saddam into war with fake UN plane -

 

"I want to thank Jack Abramoff... What kind of parents would name their kid Jack when his name ends in off?"

- George Clooney at the Golden Globes -

 

"Noam Chomsky was held at knifepoint in a sloppy home-invasion robbery in which he offered only verbal resistance. The perp was easily apprehended, but Chomsky has been called by the defense to testify as a professional witness in order to render an opinion as to whether the defendant's culpability might be mitigated in light of complex psychosocial factors resulting from distortions of the media's English lexicon by multinational corporations. Chomsky says that whenever he has been called as a professional witness, he will completely co-operate."

- DO NOT spread these rumors -

 

    "U.S. Army chaplains are trying to teach troops how to pick the right spouse, through a program called 'How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk.'

    "The matchmaking advice comes as military family life is being stressed by two tough wars. Defense Department records show more than 56,000 in the Army active, National Guard and Reserve have divorced since the campaign in Afghanistan started in 2001...

    "The 'no jerks' program is also called 'P.I.C.K. a Partner,' for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.

    "It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner's F.A.C.E.S. family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they'd bring to the union.

    "It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart the Relationship Attachment Model which basically says don't let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person."

- Pauline Jelinek: Army Teaches Troops How to Pick a Spouse -

 

    "A former American occupation official in Iraq is expected to plead guilty to bribery, conspiracy, money laundering and other charges in federal court on Thursday for his actions in a scheme to use sexual favors, jewelry and millions of dollars in cash to steer reconstruction work to a corrupt contractor, according to papers filed with the court.

    "The official, Robert J. Stein Jr., served as a comptroller and funding officer in 2003 and 2004 for the Coalition Provisional Authority, which governed Iraq after the American-led invasion. Four Americans, including Mr. Stein and the contractor, Philip H. Bloom, have been arrested in the case. Mr. Stein's plea, apparently with the understanding that he will cooperate with prosecutors, is the first to be made public."

- James Glanz: Former US Official in Iraq to Plead Guilty to Corruption -

    "The nation's largest telephone and cable companies are crafting an alarming set of strategies that would transform the free, open and nondiscriminatory Internet of today to a privately run and branded service that would charge a fee for virtually everything we do online.

    "Verizon, Comcast, Bell South and other communications giants are developing strategies that would track and store information on our every move in cyberspace in a vast data-collection and marketing system, the scope of which could rival the National Security Agency. According to white papers now being circulated in the cable, telephone and telecommunications industries, those with the deepest pockets--corporations, special-interest groups and major advertisers--would get preferred treatment. Content from these providers would have first priority on our computer and television screens, while information seen as undesirable, such as peer-to-peer communications, could be relegated to a slow lane or simply shut out."

- Jeff Chester: The End Of The Internet? -

 

"The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries."

- Jon Stewart: The Daily Show -

 

"Money makes money and the money money makes makes more money."

- Benjamin Franklin -

 

"In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms."

- Stephen Jay Gould -

 

    "The state of the union is disastrous. By its naked aggression, bullying, illegal spying on Americans, and illegal torture and detentions, the Bush administration has demonstrated American contempt for the Geneva Convention, for human life and dignity, and for the civil liberties of its own citizens. Increasingly, the US is isolated in the world, having to resort to bribery and threats to impose its diktats. No country any longer looks to America for moral leadership. The US has become a rogue nation.

    "Least of all did President Bush tell any truth about the economy. He talked about economic growth rates without acknowledging that they result from eating the seed corn and do not produce jobs with a living wage for Americans. He touted a low rate of unemployment and did not admit that the figure is false because it does not count millions of discouraged workers who have dropped out of the work force."

- Paul Craig Roberts: The US has become a rogue nation -

 

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."
- Aristotle -

 

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

- George Carlin -

 

"Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity."
- George Bernard Shaw -

 

"Any writer who knows what he's doing isn't doing very much."

- Nelson Algren -

 

Everything Else

 

The Sci-Fi Channel is starting a new show called Medium at Large and they're actively looking for people who have good reason to talk to a dead relative, so if your ex-uncle never told anyone where he left that winning lottery ticket, go here.

 

In the interest of creating supreme paranoia, the US Department of Homeland security says they're doing everything possible to keep you safe, but just in case, be ready. And just in case you're a really bad parent, be sure to keep your kids paranoid at Kids Be Ready.

 

Now that Western Union has stopped sending telegrams, you can think about the last time you got a telegram and wonder what the hell took them so long.

 

Go to Google, type in the word "asshole," click on "I Feel Lucky," and you get Film Strip International's lovely film about Dubya, The Idiot Son of an Asshole.

 

 

 

Don't let this happen to you

 

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Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,

 

Lisa Newmercedes 

 

http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com

 

Nobody's belief system was shaken during the production of this column, only stirred.