Issue #180
is brought to you
by...
The Entire Staff of Disinfotainment Today
(Warning! This issue of Disinfotainment Today has more stupid
questions than normal.)
Mr. Metaphor
presents...
The
Impossibles
If I could but superglue my point of view to your
attention span for a nanosecond, I'd like to point something out. When you don't
say something, you end up mulling it till it ripens and eventually festers or
blossoms. We want to share the blossoms but too often end up sharing the
festers.
As we generate an endless stream of possibilities,
we smack headlong into The Impossibles, those people who can't let go of a
thought, acting as human possibility dams, interrupting the flow to create an
artificial lake of reality, a doctrine to adhere to. Point out that the stream
might have meandered in another direction had the dam not been built and you're
showing disobedience to the dam, which damn well wants to stay put. It's
generating profits and fuck the flow. The Impossibles think that the
possibilities are over. All that's possible - is. All that's impossible - is
not. They can't even imagine the possibilities.
The Impossibles are a drag to humanity. They only
repeat things. Anything new goes in one ear and out the same one, without
bothering to pass through the brain.
Age has nothing to do with it. Hell, I'm almost
old and my brain still works. And the more it works, the more possible ways of
looking at things show up. The more I keep
looking, the less impossibilities I see. Hey, it's possible to be famous for
doing absolutely nothing any better than anyone else could be doing it, so there
you go.
It's possible that all of mankind can be divided
between The Possibles and The Impossibles. The
Impossibles think I'm going straight to hell for saying this, but I say let the
possibilities flow. There doesn't have to be a rapture. I'm much more
worried about the dammed than the damned.
Sophistimicated Doowacky of
the Week
SELECT this picture (hit
control-A)
and get a big surprise.
100
Items to Disappear First in a Panic
By Joseph Almond
- Generators (Good ones cost dearly. Gas storage,
risky. Noisy, target of thieves; maintenance, etc.)
- Water Filters/Purifiers (Shipping delays
increasing.)
- Portable Toilets (Increasing in price every two
months.)
- Seasoned Firewood (About $100 per cord; wood
takes 6 - 12 mos. to become dried, for home uses.)
- Lamp Oil, Wicks, Lamps (First choice: Buy CLEAR
oil. If scarce, stockpile ANY!)
- Coleman Fuel (URGENT $2.69-$3.99/gal. Impossible
to stockpile too much.)
- Guns, Ammunition, Pepper Spray, Knives, Clubs,
Bats; Slingshots
- Hand-Can openers; hand egg beaters, whisks (Life
savers!)
- Honey/Syrups/white, brown sugars
- Rice - Beans - Wheat (White rice is now $12.95 -
50# bag. Sam's Club, stock depleted often.)
I Are Cornfused
All these statements are true about both the above
events: They didn't see it coming. They were going about their business
when WHAM, they were gone. We'll never know the whole truth. There was a chain
of command. Both cost us millions of dollars. Both made somebody money, possibly
the same person. Both were justified as being worth the cost. Both provoked
outrage. Both will be debated. To the victor will go the spoils.
What these events don't have in common: One was
done in your name. One was done in their name. One was from people willing to
die for a cause. One was from people only willing to kill for a cause. One was
comparatively cheap and clever. One was incredibly expensive.
Conclusion: "TERRORIST, n. Anyone who does the same thing America does only with a
smaller budget."
Gallery of the
Week
Surely you've got something better to do
Kinkiest Link of the
Week
A Bigger Boat
Question I Should Have Asked
Two Weeks Ago
What I Would Have Added to
the Constitution of the United States
Had I been Around from the
Get-Go
- I would have moved all that stuff about life, liberty, and the perfuit of happineff from
the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution, making them actual
constitutional rights instead of just nice words without the force of law
behind them.
- To life, liberty, and
the perfuit of happineff, I would add "the right to vote, which
may not be withheld under any circumstances." No more debate over who gets to
vote. The answer is every citizen, man, woman, black, white, Christian, Jew,
even lunatics and felons. Charles Manson gets to vote. It's particularly
important that prisons and insane asylums be polling places since corrupt
leaders have a history of sticking their opponents in prisons and insane
asylums. Prisoners in the war on drugs should unquestionably have a
say in the politics that keeps them behind bars (def. #1) instead of behind
bars (def. #2). Since leaders can apparently put anyone in the brig they
damn well please, they have control over their own re-election, unless
everyone gets to vote.
- No victimless crimes. All prosecutions must
contain a complaint by an individual who has suffered damages from the
accused. Like John Stuart Mill says, "The only
purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a
civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own
good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant." Thus endeth,
before it ever began, the wonderful war on drugs.
- The first duty of anyone found guilty of a crime
is payback to the victim. Any incarceration may not end until the victim has
gotten full restitution as determined in court. All prisoners have the
opportunity to make honest wages while behind bars, with all wages and profits
from their enterprise going to their victims till they're paid back, oh, what
the hell, double, maybe triple in some cases.
- Ignorance of the law IS an excuse when the law
isn't taught in schools. What, you're just expected to KNOW these things? All
high school students must be taught all the major laws so they're
forewarned.
- Corporations are not people and have less legal rights than people.
- All political campaigns will come out of a general fund. All political
contributions are illegal.
- All public servants must immediately divest their interest of any stocks
or bonds, keeping their savings in a standard savings account like
everyone else. Other than their weekly government paycheck, no elected public
servant may accept any form of payment from anyone, ever, in any way, shape,
or form. Making political contributions, whether giving or receiving, is a
felony.
- The president can have sex with whomever they want as long as the other
party is willing.
- Taxing income is illegal. Government shall get all funds from sales tax.
- Absolutely every law on the books must prove its efficiency and be renewed
every five years or it automatically goes bye-bye.
- All prisons will be turned into farms where prisoners grow their own food
and factories where they make their own clothes. Prisons, and prisoners,
should be self-sufficient and no burden upon the taxpayer whatsoever. Teach
sociopaths to work for a living.
- In order to guarantee separation of church and state, religion shall be a
mandatory elementary school course that teaches the religions of the world,
not as dogma but as simple facts. Judaism is a religion with X amount of
followers who believe Y, Christianity is a religion with X amount of followers
who believe Y, etc. Teach every faith equally and let kids decide for
themselves which one to follow.
- Paper ballots, of course.
- Supreme court appointments are for four years and they're out of there.
- All government paperwork is available for public scrutiny.
- Every citizen of the US shall have a personal representative in the House
of Representatives. Elections for the house shall not be winner take
all. Whoever each citizen votes for becomes their representative. Period.
Everybody gets representation. Representatives who represent the most people
wield the most power.
Religious Trivia of the Week
"George [Harrison] loved Python. He paid for the
entire budget of The Life of Brian because he said he wanted to see it.
It's still the most anyone has every paid for a movie ticket."
- Eric Idle: The Greedy Bastard Diary
-
The Power of
One
When one guy poisoning a bottle of Tylenol can
reform an entire industry, making all drug manufacturers double seal every
product, when one guy with a bomb in his shoe can reform an entire industry,
making everyone getting on an airplane in America take off their shoes first,
that's where you see the power of terrorism. And they say one man can't make a
difference. The results aren't political, they're economic, a boon to the
security industry and a pain to everyone else. Any time an industry can make
millions by spreading fear through the actions of one individual, you gotta ask
yourself...
Answer to Last Week's Stupid
Question
Someone's been
calling me late for supper, calling me out, not following my calling in life,
calling in my part, and calling for my resignation without business-call
reimbursing.
If this isn't bad enough, they've been
using my calling card on my Sprint 'Talk Your Fool Head Off' calling plan,
calling all young women between the ages of 18 and 21 to enter the wonderful
world of nursing.
Falling, yes I am falling, and they
keep calling me back again, even though I'm on the goddamned 'Don't Call'
list, which is why you hear me cursing.
Don't bother with name-calling the call
girls in the administration listening in; it's merely Bush answering nature's
call -- AKA: fascism rehearsing.
- RS Janes
-
George W is having phone sex with Condi
nightly
-
Mrs. Bush is calling a certain someone in the
White House Janitorial service for the same.
-
Cheney's calling his cardiologist on the
hour.
-
Mrs. Cheney's calling some named Bitchslapper
in San Francisco
-
Colin Powell calling a BDSM babe named
Sly.
-
Satan's calling Bechtel for his
percentage.
-
Osama's calling Home Depot to send more
extension cords for his dialysis machine.
Jeb Bush is calling an unknown
unlisted phone number from a public bathroom wall for his weekly blow
job.
-
The Pope is calling for a return to the
Inquisition.
-
The Mayor of New Orleans is calling for
chocolate.
-
Harriet Miers is calling it
quits.
-
OJ Simpson is calling for a tee
time.
-
John Grisham is calling himself,
again.
-
Hunter Thompson ain't calling
anybody.
-
Nobody is calling Blondie
anymore...............
- Watermn
"What rides will they have at the new American Christian
biblical theme park?"
-
Step right up to the 'Part the Water' slide
where you land on Moses' lap when you're finished;
-
Job's Gambling Den where you break out in
boils and open sores if you lose;
-
Pat Robertson's wild African Diamond Mine
ride, with authentic black slaves;
-
the 'Go to Hell' parachute
drop;
-
the 'Meet the Devil' fun house with
real flames;
-
the Skating on Thin Ice rink;
-
the Puritan's Pride House of Horrors;
-
'Homoville' where Good Christians get to see
live acts of sodomy, oral sex and lesbianism, followed by a trip to
-
Salome's Temple of Babylon, where, for a
small fee, adults are allowed to sample such offerings as John the Baptist's
Head and Rasputin's Missionary Positions as provided by lewd Iranian
prostitutes and obscene Syrian belly dancers.
-
While the folks are busy letting off a little
steam, the kiddies can visit the Rapture Raptors Park, where Christian
dinosaurs less than 6,000 years old chew up archaeologists, biologists
geologists, astronomers, secular humanists and other unbelievers, all in the
name of the Lord.
-
Hungry after all that? Stop by the TGIF
Loaves and Fishes Grill, featuring such tasty delicacies as Adam and Eve on a
Raft, Isaiah's BBQ Pork Sandwich, Jonah's Shrimp Cocktail and Eggs Benedictine
-- and don't miss the daily special: Hard-Boiled Bullheads on Hot Cross
Buns.
- RSJ
Quote of the Week
According to Herr Bookmonger, I
am quoted on page 94 of the Jan '06 issue of Esquire Magazine.
Frankenmusic
From the website:
"Introducing the Artist Integrated
series - a fresh and exciting new concept in loop library design. Artist
Integrated libraries are designed to work seamlessly together to help you create
better music, faster.Our premiere Artist Integrated release pairs rock legends
Tony Franklin (bassist for Jimmy Page and The Firm, Whitesnake) and Siggi
Baldursson (drummer for Sugarcubes, Bjork, Emiliana Torrini).
"To create Not Just Another
Pretty Bass, Tony Franklin played bass over drum loops selected from Siggi
Baldursson's Drumsugar and Zero-Gravity Beats collections. Tony's favorite loops
from these two titles were combined to form a new counterpart, The Best of Siggi
Baldursson: The Drum Loops collection."
I don't know Tony Franklin or Siggi Baldursson, but it's clear that if this
trend continues, anybody with a computer will be able to start a band with Jack
Bruce on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Elton John on keyboards, Santana on lead,
etc. Honk like Harpo if you think this is a good idea. Next step, create your
own movie with Tom Hanks, Uma Thurman, and the early Marlon Brando. As a matter
of fact, since you'll soon be able to do it anyway, if you could take any old
record and redo it with any other musicians, or if you could take any old movie
and re-edit and re-cast it any way you wanted,
what
would you do?
Slimebags of the
Week
ExxonMobil recently announced the
largest corporate profit in history - more than $36 billion. Hooray! Here's a
cartoon they'd probably rather you didn't see.
I Feel So Much Safer
Now
"A Fort Bliss military intelligence soldier faces
over 300 years in prison after he was convicted Thursday of bringing about 175
pounds of cocaine into the United States on military aircraft over a period of
almost two years."
Satan Doesn't Want
You to Know
Don't Take My Word for
It
"Militarism does not further the aims of democracy
and freedom, as we are told. Its real purpose is to protect the financial
interests of wealthy investors; to open world markets to the exploitation of
cheap labor, and to make the world safe for relentless corporate abuse and
plunder. That is the real purpose of America's war machine. Our young people
need to know this before entering the military. They must decide whether or not
these are causes they wish to die for."
"Supreme
Court Upholds Assisted Suicide: Administration hails decision as
go-ahead to ignore global warming."
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him
last."
- Winston Churchill -
"Our nation cannot afford a shrill and shallow
debate that distorts reality and reduces the options to 'cut and run' versus
'stay the course.' Instead we need a forthright discussion that begins with an
honest assessment of the situation in Iraq and acknowledges both the mistakes
that have been made and the signs of hope that have appeared.... Our nation's
military forces should remain in Iraq only as long as it takes for a responsible
transition, leaving sooner rather than later."
- Bishop Thomas G. Wenski -
"Politics without principle. Wealth without work. Commerce without
morality. Pleasure without conscience. Education without character. Science
without humanity. Worship without sacrifice."
- Gandhi's Seven Deadly Social Sins -
"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white
milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking
about."
- New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin -
"Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is
endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your
heart desires must come to you."
- Shakti Gawain -
"Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of
scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already
settled."
- Michael Crichton -
"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork to my
lunch?"
- W.C. Fields -
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to
keep all the pieces."
- Aldo Leopold -
"Mr. Buffett said in the last
10 years foreign powers and their citizens had accrued about $3 trillion worth
of US debt and assets such as equities and real estate. At current rates, he
predicted that in another 10 years' time the net ownership of the US by
outsiders would amount to $11 trillion.
"'This annual royalty paid [to] the world would undoubtedly
produce significant political unrest in the US. Americans ... would chafe at the
idea of perpetually paying tribute to their creditors and owners abroad. A
country that is now aspiring to an 'ownership society' will not find happiness
in - and I'll use hyperbole here for emphasis - a 'sharecropper's society'.'"
"The United States is heading
to financial crisis at top speed. That is correct, America will default on its
foreign debt sooner or later if the actual trends remain unchanged.
Consequently, the whole dollar-based world (including savings in U.S. currency)
may crumble. In actuality, the public have grown tired of numerous forecasts
regarding an imminent collapse of the U.S. economy. The
picture looks pretty grim this time around. Several factors will have an
extremely detrimental effect on the dollar, according to U.S. Secretary of the
Treasury John Snow who forwarded a letter full of ominous predictions to 21
members of U.S. Congress. The letter was made public after the markets had been
closed for Christmas and New Year's holidays - a rather appropriate
precautionary move in terms of the international foreign exchange market, which
is extremely sensitive to any sound produced by U.S. bureaucrats.
"In his letter, Snow predicts a crisis in February this year.
Citing U.S. government forecasts, Snow believes that America's foreign debt
currently standing at $8,184 trillion will hit the debt ceiling as early as
February-March 2006. For decades the White House has been borrowing money
to cover expenditures that exceeded the real economic growth rates. As a result,
the U.S. public debt currently totals to $8.1 trillion, a huge figure compared
to the U.S. GDP that is slightly above $11 trillion."
"True science investigates and brings to human perception such truths and
such knowledge as the people of a given time and society consider most
important. Art transmits these truths from the region of perception to the
region of emotion."
- Leo Tolstoy -
"The ancients thought it shameful to seek advancement or to want to be the
head of something, or the chief or senior."
- Dogen -
"Is the leader in the global
fight against movie piracy a pirate too? That's exactly what director Kirby Dick
is charging. He says the Motion Picture Assn. of America made a bootleg copy of
This Film Is Not Yet Rated, his angry broadside against the
organization's film rating system.
"The MPAA has admitted that it duplicated the documentary
without the filmmaker's permission Dick had submitted his movie to its rating
board in November. But the Hollywood trade organization said that it did not
break copyright law, insisting that the dispute is part of a Dick-orchestrated
'publicity stunt' to boost the film's profile."
"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to
heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just
that they need more supervision"
- Lynn Lavner -
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
- Kevin Coyne -
"No idea is so antiquated that it was not once modern. No idea is so modern
that it will not some day be antiquated... to seize the flying thought before it
escapes us is our only touch with reality."
- Ellen Glasgow -
"Last week, the Maryland House and Senate made history
by passing the Fair Share Health Care Act. This legislation will force Wal-Mart
to contribute more to pay for its worker's healthcare coverage. Wal-Mart has
been burdening taxpayers with its workers' health care costs for far too long,
and this bill will help stop that practice...
"Despite Wal-Mart's mammoth profits, the company
actually burdens us - taxpayers - with its workers' health care costs. In a
disturbing nationwide trend, more state studies are revealing that Wal-Mart
employees are the top recipients of taxpayer-paid health care.
"The scope of this corporate failure is massive:
Wal-Mart is the largest private employer in the United States, with over 1.3
million associates, yet it fails to give health insurance to 53 percent of its
employees.
"Although Wal-Mart publicly touts the low cost of its
health-care options available to workers, the plan described includes a high
annual deductible. Associates must pay $1,000 in medical bills each year before
Wal-Mart coverage begins. That is not affordable coverage!
"It is unacceptable that a company with annual profits
of $10 billion feels justified in padding its profits even further by shifting
the burden of healthcare costs to state governments. If companies refuse to act
responsibly then we need legislation that forces them to."
- Jenny McKinley:
Care2
-
"I praise you for your success in being you; you praise me for my success
in being me. In your purity you make me pure. In your wholeness you make me
whole. In my service you serve me. I bow to all, because I bow to you."
- Hallaj: Tawasin -
"One of the reasons I use Google to search the web is that Google has a
stronger commitment to civil liberties than Microsoft's MSN and Yahoo do. MSN
and Yahoo turned over search information to the Bush administration to support
their policy of spying on The People. Google stood up for our rights and said No
to Bush. So I'm going to stick with Google because I want to support companies
who understand that freedom is important."
"When human consciousness expands, for whatever reason
and with whatever stimulation and even if you can only measure it in
hairsbreadth, when our nasty habit of harsh judgment falls away and people begin
to get a little bit, you know, lighter, there is always, as sure as
there's someone who hates the sunrise, a clampdown, a recoil, a desperate need
by the terrified and ever-paranoid conservative sect to, you know, put a quick
stop to this so-called awakening crapola ASA-damn-P.
"As soon as people begin realizing there's more to this
brief little slice of existence than hate and war and the constant drumbeat of
fear, there's always resistance, a reactive sneer at the idea that people might
be waking up, even a little, and it's all in the name of protecting the status
quo and defending the power base and not upsetting any of those carefully
wrought prejudices, about making sure everyone stays quiet and doesn't ask any
difficult questions of the Authority."
"The larger the mob, the harder
the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man
occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of
his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged
chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily
make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the
most devious and mediocre the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the
notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum.
"The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men.
As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the
inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and
glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at
last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
- H. L. Mencken: On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe -
"I think the intelligence I get is darned good
intelligence."
- Lord of the Dunce -
"The demonic do things they should avoid and avoid
the things that they should do. They have no sense of uprightness, purity, or
truth."
- Bhagavad
Gita 16:7-9 -
"Two recent polls, a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll
and a New York Times/CBS News poll, indicate why Bush is getting away with
impeachable offenses. Half of the US population is incapable of acquiring,
processing and understanding information.
"Much of the problem is the media itself, which serves
as a disinformation agency for the Bush administration. Fox "News" and
right-wing talk radio are the worst, but with propagandistic outlets setting the
standard for truth and patriotism, all of the media is affected to some
degree.
"Despite the media's failure, about half the population
has managed to discern that the US invasion of Iraq has not made them safer and
that the Bush administration's assault on civil liberties is not a necessary
component of the war on terror. The problem, thus, lies with the absence of due
diligence on the part of the other half of the population."
"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, then you will be fired with
enthusiasm."
- Vince Lombardi -
"So bin Laden has threatened new attacks against the U.S.? If that's true,
then why hasn't the 'terror threat' level been raised to 'orange?' Could it be
because the whole thing was a political scam from Day One? If they don't raise
the level now, then they should have the cojones to admit it was a farce
and drop the system."
"Anyone in a free society where the laws are unjust has an obligation to
break the law."
- Henry David Thoreau -
"What I lack in spirit, I make up for in apathy."
- Andrew White -
"If I could tell you what it meant, there would be
no point in dancing it."
- Isadora Duncan -
"A witty saying proves
nothing."
- Voltaire -
Everything
Else
It popped up on the radio
like it does once in a while, Yes's I've Seen All Good People, and they
sang, like they always do, "'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time
and its news is captured for the queen to use." And I thought, like I always do,
despite the obvious chess reference, what the fuck are they singing about?
Obviously I'm not the only one, because at Song Meanings, you can look up any
obscure lyric and read comments on what it means. Is I've Seen All Good
People "one of the earliest pro-feminist songs sung by a male group. Life
is a game of chess... let the women play too."? I've come to the conclusion that
other people are as confused as I am.
I'm a WGA Mentor. Dan
Fitsimons asked me how to write an MOW, I told him, and he just sold one to the
Hallmark Channel. Congrats Dan. Where's my 10%?
Don't let this happen to
you
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY
archives are here.
Acknowledgment
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may
be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from
dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent
all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you
see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send
more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is
unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized
material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I
don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either
satire or fair use.
Thanks,
Nobody's imagination was harmed during the
production of this column.