Disinfotainment Today #180

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Michael Dare

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Jan 30, 2006, 9:43:28 PM1/30/06
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Disinfotainment Today
Issue #180
is brought to you by...
The Entire Staff of Disinfotainment Today
 
 
(Warning! This issue of Disinfotainment Today has more stupid questions than normal.)
 
Mr. Metaphor presents...
The Impossibles
 
If I could but superglue my point of view to your attention span for a nanosecond, I'd like to point something out. When you don't say something, you end up mulling it till it ripens and eventually festers or blossoms. We want to share the blossoms but too often end up sharing the festers.
 
As we generate an endless stream of possibilities, we smack headlong into The Impossibles, those people who can't let go of a thought, acting as human possibility dams, interrupting the flow to create an artificial lake of reality, a doctrine to adhere to. Point out that the stream might have meandered in another direction had the dam not been built and you're showing disobedience to the dam, which damn well wants to stay put. It's generating profits and fuck the flow. The Impossibles think that the possibilities are over. All that's possible - is. All that's impossible - is not. They can't even imagine the possibilities.
 
The Impossibles are a drag to humanity. They only repeat things. Anything new goes in one ear and out the same one, without bothering to pass through the brain.
 
Age has nothing to do with it. Hell, I'm almost old and my brain still works. And the more it works, the more possible ways of looking at things show up. The more I keep looking, the less impossibilities I see. Hey, it's possible to be famous for doing absolutely nothing any better than anyone else could be doing it, so there you go.
 
It's possible that all of mankind can be divided between The Possibles and The Impossibles. The Impossibles think I'm going straight to hell for saying this, but I say let the possibilities flow. There doesn't have to be a rapture. I'm much more worried about the dammed than the damned.
 
 
Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week
SELECT this picture (hit control-A)
and get a big surprise.
 
100 Items to Disappear First in a Panic
By Joseph Almond
 
  1. Generators (Good ones cost dearly. Gas storage, risky. Noisy, target of thieves; maintenance, etc.)
  2. Water Filters/Purifiers (Shipping delays increasing.)
  3. Portable Toilets (Increasing in price every two months.)
  4. Seasoned Firewood (About $100 per cord; wood takes 6 - 12 mos. to become dried, for home uses.)
  5. Lamp Oil, Wicks, Lamps (First choice: Buy CLEAR oil. If scarce, stockpile ANY!)
  6. Coleman Fuel (URGENT $2.69-$3.99/gal. Impossible to stockpile too much.)
  7. Guns, Ammunition, Pepper Spray, Knives, Clubs, Bats; Slingshots
  8. Hand-Can openers; hand egg beaters, whisks (Life savers!)
  9. Honey/Syrups/white, brown sugars
  10. Rice - Beans - Wheat (White rice is now $12.95 - 50# bag. Sam's Club, stock depleted often.)
 
Read the rest here.
 
 
I Are Cornfused
 
Let me get this straight. Sending a pilotless drone airplane into a foreign country and bombing the shit out some innocent people under the pretext that we thought they were someone else ISN'T terrorism, but hijacking an airplane in a foreign country and crashing it into some innocent people IS terrorism.  
 
All these statements are true about both the above events: They didn't see it coming. They were going about their business when WHAM, they were gone. We'll never know the whole truth. There was a chain of command. Both cost us millions of dollars. Both made somebody money, possibly the same person. Both were justified as being worth the cost. Both provoked outrage. Both will be debated. To the victor will go the spoils.
 
What these events don't have in common: One was done in your name. One was done in their name. One was from people willing to die for a cause. One was from people only willing to kill for a cause. One was comparatively cheap and clever. One was incredibly expensive.
 
Conclusion: "TERRORIST, n. Anyone who does the same thing America does only with a smaller budget."
 
 
Gallery of the Week
Surely you've got something better to do
than check out the Condiment Packet Museum..
 
Kinkiest Link of the Week
 
Kinky Friedman's campaign ad for Governor of Texas doesn't look like any campaign ad you've ever seen.
 
A Bigger Boat
 
In October, the population of the United States will reach 300 million. If you were aboard a boat with 300 million aboard, would you give 10 percent of the passengers 90 percent of the goods? My guess is you would if you were one of the 10 percent and wouldn't if one of the 90.
 
If we were all actually on a boat, would you trust the majority to choose who gets to be captain, knowing full well your life is in their hands and that the majority can be fooled into choosing Lord of the Dunce instead of someone actually knowledgeable about the job?
 
 
Question I Should Have Asked Two Weeks Ago
 
What I Would Have Added to the Constitution of the United States
Had I been Around from the Get-Go
 
  • I would have moved all that stuff about life, liberty, and the perfuit of happineff from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution, making them actual constitutional rights instead of just nice words without the force of law behind them.
  • To life, liberty, and the perfuit of happineff, I would add "the right to vote, which may not be withheld under any circumstances." No more debate over who gets to vote. The answer is every citizen, man, woman, black, white, Christian, Jew, even lunatics and felons. Charles Manson gets to vote. It's particularly important that prisons and insane asylums be polling places since corrupt leaders have a history of sticking their opponents in prisons and insane asylums. Prisoners in the war on drugs should unquestionably have a say in the politics that keeps them behind bars (def. #1) instead of behind bars (def. #2). Since leaders can apparently put anyone in the brig they damn well please, they have control over their own re-election, unless everyone gets to vote.
  • No victimless crimes. All prosecutions must contain a complaint by an individual who has suffered damages from the accused. Like John Stuart Mill says, "The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant." Thus endeth, before it ever began, the wonderful war on drugs.
  • The first duty of anyone found guilty of a crime is payback to the victim. Any incarceration may not end until the victim has gotten full restitution as determined in court. All prisoners have the opportunity to make honest wages while behind bars, with all wages and profits from their enterprise going to their victims till they're paid back, oh, what the hell, double, maybe triple in some cases.
  • Ignorance of the law IS an excuse when the law isn't taught in schools. What, you're just expected to KNOW these things? All high school students must be taught all the major laws so they're forewarned.
  • Corporations are not people and have less legal rights than people.
  • All political campaigns will come out of a general fund. All political contributions are illegal.
  • All public servants must immediately divest their interest of any stocks or bonds, keeping their savings in a standard savings account like everyone else. Other than their weekly government paycheck, no elected public servant may accept any form of payment from anyone, ever, in any way, shape, or form. Making political contributions, whether giving or receiving, is a felony.
  • The president can have sex with whomever they want as long as the other party is willing.
  • Taxing income is illegal. Government shall get all funds from sales tax.
  • Absolutely every law on the books must prove its efficiency and be renewed every five years or it automatically goes bye-bye.
  • All prisons will be turned into farms where prisoners grow their own food and factories where they make their own clothes. Prisons, and prisoners, should be self-sufficient and no burden upon the taxpayer whatsoever. Teach sociopaths to work for a living.
  • In order to guarantee separation of church and state, religion shall be a mandatory elementary school course that teaches the religions of the world, not as dogma but as simple facts. Judaism is a religion with X amount of followers who believe Y, Christianity is a religion with X amount of followers who believe Y, etc. Teach every faith equally and let kids decide for themselves which one to follow.
  • Paper ballots, of course.
  • Supreme court appointments are for four years and they're out of there.
  • All government paperwork is available for public scrutiny.
  • Every citizen of the US shall have a personal representative in the House of Representatives. Elections for the house shall not be winner take all. Whoever each citizen votes for becomes their representative. Period. Everybody gets representation. Representatives who represent the most people wield the most power.
Now that we know how Satan would rewrite the Bill of Rights, with the benefit of hindsight and assuming you're not Satan, what would you add to the original constitution?
 
Going Deaf?
 
 
Religious Trivia of the Week
 
"George [Harrison] loved Python. He paid for the entire budget of The Life of Brian because he said he wanted to see it. It's still the most anyone has every paid for a movie ticket."
- Eric Idle: The Greedy Bastard Diary -
 
The Power of One
 
When one guy poisoning a bottle of Tylenol can reform an entire industry, making all drug manufacturers double seal every product, when one guy with a bomb in his shoe can reform an entire industry, making everyone getting on an airplane in America take off their shoes first, that's where you see the power of terrorism. And they say one man can't make a difference. The results aren't political, they're economic, a boon to the security industry and a pain to everyone else. Any time an industry can make millions by spreading fear through the actions of one individual, you gotta ask yourself...
 
 
Free Poster for Parents
 
Answer to Last Week's Stupid Question
 
QUESTION: Now that it's been revealed anyone can get anyone else's phone records, inquiring minds want to know who's been calling who?
 
    Someone's been calling me late for supper, calling me out, not following my calling in life, calling in my part, and calling for my resignation without business-call reimbursing.
    If this isn't bad enough, they've been using my calling card on my Sprint 'Talk Your Fool Head Off' calling plan, calling all young women between the ages of 18 and 21 to enter the wonderful world of nursing.
    Falling, yes I am falling, and they keep calling me back again, even though I'm on the goddamned 'Don't Call' list, which is why you hear me cursing.
    Don't bother with name-calling the call girls in the administration listening in; it's merely Bush answering nature's call -- AKA: fascism rehearsing.
- RS Janes
 
  • George W is having phone sex with Condi nightly
  • Mrs. Bush is calling a certain someone in the White House Janitorial service for the same.
  • Cheney's calling his cardiologist on the hour.
  • Mrs. Cheney's calling some named Bitchslapper in San Francisco
  • Colin Powell calling a BDSM babe named Sly.
  • Satan's calling Bechtel for his percentage.
  • Osama's calling Home Depot to send more extension cords for his dialysis machine.
    Jeb Bush is calling an unknown unlisted phone number from a public bathroom wall for his weekly blow job.
  • The Pope is calling for a return to the Inquisition.
  • The Mayor of New Orleans is calling for chocolate.
  • Harriet Miers is calling it quits.
  • OJ Simpson is calling for a tee time.
  • John Grisham is calling himself, again.
  • Hunter Thompson ain't calling anybody.
  • Nobody is calling Blondie anymore...............
 
- Watermn
 
"What rides will they have at the new American Christian biblical theme park?"
 
  • Step right up to the 'Part the Water' slide where you land on Moses' lap when you're finished;
  • Job's Gambling Den where you break out in boils and open sores if you lose;
  • Pat Robertson's wild African Diamond Mine ride, with authentic black slaves;
  • the 'Go to Hell' parachute drop;
  •  the 'Meet the Devil' fun house with real flames;
  • the Skating on Thin Ice rink;
  • the Puritan's Pride House of Horrors;
  • 'Homoville' where Good Christians get to see live acts of sodomy, oral sex and lesbianism, followed by a trip to
  • Salome's Temple of Babylon, where, for a small fee, adults are allowed to sample such offerings as John the Baptist's Head and Rasputin's Missionary Positions as provided by lewd Iranian prostitutes and obscene Syrian belly dancers.
  • While the folks are busy letting off a little steam, the kiddies can visit the Rapture Raptors Park, where Christian dinosaurs less than 6,000 years old chew up archaeologists, biologists geologists, astronomers, secular humanists and other unbelievers, all in the name of the Lord.
  • Hungry after all that? Stop by the TGIF Loaves and Fishes Grill, featuring such tasty delicacies as Adam and Eve on a Raft, Isaiah's BBQ Pork Sandwich, Jonah's Shrimp Cocktail and Eggs Benedictine -- and don't miss the daily special: Hard-Boiled Bullheads on Hot Cross Buns.
- RSJ
 
Quote of the Week
 
According to Herr Bookmonger, I am quoted on page 94 of the Jan '06 issue of Esquire Magazine.
 
 
Frankenmusic
 
From the website:
 
    "Introducing the Artist Integrated series - a fresh and exciting new concept in loop library design. Artist Integrated libraries are designed to work seamlessly together to help you create better music, faster.Our premiere Artist Integrated release pairs rock legends Tony Franklin (bassist for Jimmy Page and The Firm, Whitesnake) and Siggi Baldursson (drummer for Sugarcubes, Bjork, Emiliana Torrini).
    "To create Not Just Another Pretty Bass, Tony Franklin played bass over drum loops selected from Siggi Baldursson's Drumsugar and Zero-Gravity Beats collections. Tony's favorite loops from these two titles were combined to form a new counterpart, The Best of Siggi Baldursson: The Drum Loops collection."
 
I don't know Tony Franklin or Siggi Baldursson, but it's clear that if this trend continues, anybody with a computer will be able to start a band with Jack Bruce on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Elton John on keyboards, Santana on lead, etc. Honk like Harpo if you think this is a good idea. Next step, create your own movie with Tom Hanks, Uma Thurman, and the early Marlon Brando. As a matter of fact, since you'll soon be able to do it anyway, if you could take any old record and redo it with any other musicians, or if you could take any old movie and re-edit and re-cast it any way you wanted, what would you do?
 
Slimebags of the Week
 
ExxonMobil recently announced the largest corporate profit in history - more than $36 billion. Hooray! Here's a cartoon they'd probably rather you didn't see.
 
I Feel So Much Safer Now
 
"A Fort Bliss military intelligence soldier faces over 300 years in prison after he was convicted Thursday of bringing about 175 pounds of cocaine into the United States on military aircraft over a period of almost two years."
- Chris Roberts: Soldier Could Get 300 Years -
 
Satan Doesn't Want You to Know
 
 
Don't Take My Word for It
 
"Militarism does not further the aims of democracy and freedom, as we are told. Its real purpose is to protect the financial interests of wealthy investors; to open world markets to the exploitation of cheap labor, and to make the world safe for relentless corporate abuse and plunder. That is the real purpose of America's war machine. Our young people need to know this before entering the military. They must decide whether or not these are causes they wish to die for."
- Charles Sullivan: Talking Revolution -
 
"Supreme Court Upholds Assisted Suicide: Administration hails decision as go-ahead to ignore global warming."
 
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last."
- Winston Churchill -
 
"Our nation cannot afford a shrill and shallow debate that distorts reality and reduces the options to 'cut and run' versus 'stay the course.' Instead we need a forthright discussion that begins with an honest assessment of the situation in Iraq and acknowledges both the mistakes that have been made and the signs of hope that have appeared.... Our nation's military forces should remain in Iraq only as long as it takes for a responsible transition, leaving sooner rather than later."
- Bishop Thomas G. Wenski -

"Politics without principle. Wealth without work. Commerce without morality. Pleasure without conscience. Education without character. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice."
- Gandhi's Seven Deadly Social Sins -
 
"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."
- New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin -
 
"Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you."
- Shakti Gawain -
 
"Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled."
- Michael Crichton -
 
"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork to my lunch?"
- W.C. Fields -
 
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to keep all the pieces."
- Aldo Leopold -
 
    "Mr. Buffett said in the last 10 years foreign powers and their citizens had accrued about $3 trillion worth of US debt and assets such as equities and real estate. At current rates, he predicted that in another 10 years' time the net ownership of the US by outsiders would amount to $11 trillion.
    "'This annual royalty paid [to] the world would undoubtedly produce significant political unrest in the US. Americans ... would chafe at the idea of perpetually paying tribute to their creditors and owners abroad. A country that is now aspiring to an 'ownership society' will not find happiness in - and I'll use hyperbole here for emphasis - a 'sharecropper's society'.'"
 
    "The United States is heading to financial crisis at top speed. That is correct, America will default on its foreign debt sooner or later if the actual trends remain unchanged. Consequently, the whole dollar-based world (including savings in U.S. currency) may crumble. In actuality, the public have grown tired of numerous forecasts regarding an imminent collapse of the U.S. economy. The picture looks pretty grim this time around. Several factors will have an extremely detrimental effect on the dollar, according to U.S. Secretary of the Treasury John Snow who forwarded a letter full of ominous predictions to 21 members of U.S. Congress. The letter was made public after the markets had been closed for Christmas and New Year's holidays - a rather appropriate precautionary move in terms of the international foreign exchange market, which is extremely sensitive to any sound produced by U.S. bureaucrats.
    "In his letter, Snow predicts a crisis in February this year. Citing U.S. government forecasts, Snow believes that America's foreign debt currently standing at $8,184 trillion will hit the debt ceiling as early as February-March 2006. For decades the White House has been borrowing money to cover expenditures that exceeded the real economic growth rates. As a result, the U.S. public debt currently totals to $8.1 trillion, a huge figure compared to the U.S. GDP that is slightly above $11 trillion."
 
"True science investigates and brings to human perception such truths and such knowledge as the people of a given time and society consider most important. Art transmits these truths from the region of perception to the region of emotion."
- Leo Tolstoy -
 
"The ancients thought it shameful to seek advancement or to want to be the head of something, or the chief or senior."
- Dogen -
 
    "Is the leader in the global fight against movie piracy a pirate too? That's exactly what director Kirby Dick is charging. He says the Motion Picture Assn. of America made a bootleg copy of This Film Is Not Yet Rated, his angry broadside against the organization's film rating system.
    "The MPAA has admitted that it duplicated the documentary without the filmmaker's permission Dick had submitted his movie to its rating board in November. But the Hollywood trade organization said that it did not break copyright law, insisting that the dispute is part of a Dick-orchestrated 'publicity stunt' to boost the film's profile."
 
"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision"
- Lynn Lavner -
 
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
- Kevin Coyne -
 
"No idea is so antiquated that it was not once modern. No idea is so modern that it will not some day be antiquated... to seize the flying thought before it escapes us is our only touch with reality."
- Ellen Glasgow -
 
    "Last week, the Maryland House and Senate made history by passing the Fair Share Health Care Act. This legislation will force Wal-Mart to contribute more to pay for its worker's healthcare coverage. Wal-Mart has been burdening taxpayers with its workers' health care costs for far too long, and this bill will help stop that practice...
    "Despite Wal-Mart's mammoth profits, the company actually burdens us - taxpayers - with its workers' health care costs. In a disturbing nationwide trend, more state studies are revealing that Wal-Mart employees are the top recipients of taxpayer-paid health care.
    "The scope of this corporate failure is massive: Wal-Mart is the largest private employer in the United States, with over 1.3 million associates, yet it fails to give health insurance to 53 percent of its employees.
    "Although Wal-Mart publicly touts the low cost of its health-care options available to workers, the plan described includes a high annual deductible. Associates must pay $1,000 in medical bills each year before Wal-Mart coverage begins. That is not affordable coverage!
    "It is unacceptable that a company with annual profits of $10 billion feels justified in padding its profits even further by shifting the burden of healthcare costs to state governments. If companies refuse to act responsibly then we need legislation that forces them to."
- Jenny McKinley: Care2 -
 
"I praise you for your success in being you; you praise me for my success in being me. In your purity you make me pure. In your wholeness you make me whole. In my service you serve me. I bow to all, because I bow to you."
- Hallaj: Tawasin -
 
"One of the reasons I use Google to search the web is that Google has a stronger commitment to civil liberties than Microsoft's MSN and Yahoo do. MSN and Yahoo turned over search information to the Bush administration to support their policy of spying on The People. Google stood up for our rights and said No to Bush. So I'm going to stick with Google because I want to support companies who understand that freedom is important."
 
    "When human consciousness expands, for whatever reason and with whatever stimulation and even if you can only measure it in hairsbreadth, when our nasty habit of harsh judgment falls away and people begin to get a little bit, you know, lighter, there is always, as sure as there's someone who hates the sunrise, a clampdown, a recoil, a desperate need by the terrified and ever-paranoid conservative sect to, you know, put a quick stop to this so-called awakening crapola ASA-damn-P.
    "As soon as people begin realizing there's more to this brief little slice of existence than hate and war and the constant drumbeat of fear, there's always resistance, a reactive sneer at the idea that people might be waking up, even a little, and it's all in the name of protecting the status quo and defending the power base and not upsetting any of those carefully wrought prejudices, about making sure everyone stays quiet and doesn't ask any difficult questions of the Authority."
 
    "The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum.
    "The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
- H. L. Mencken: On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe -
 
"I think the intelligence I get is darned good intelligence."
- Lord of the Dunce -
 
"The demonic do things they should avoid and avoid the things that they should do. They have no sense of uprightness, purity, or truth."
- Bhagavad Gita 16:7-9 -
 
    "Two recent polls, a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll and a New York Times/CBS News poll, indicate why Bush is getting away with impeachable offenses. Half of the US population is incapable of acquiring, processing and understanding information.
    "Much of the problem is the media itself, which serves as a disinformation agency for the Bush administration. Fox "News" and right-wing talk radio are the worst, but with propagandistic outlets setting the standard for truth and patriotism, all of the media is affected to some degree.
    "Despite the media's failure, about half the population has managed to discern that the US invasion of Iraq has not made them safer and that the Bush administration's assault on civil liberties is not a necessary component of the war on terror. The problem, thus, lies with the absence of due diligence on the part of the other half of the population."
 
"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, then you will be fired with enthusiasm."
- Vince Lombardi -
 
"So bin Laden has threatened new attacks against the U.S.? If that's true, then why hasn't the 'terror threat' level been raised to 'orange?' Could it be because the whole thing was a political scam from Day One? If they don't raise the level now, then they should have the cojones to admit it was a farce and drop the system."
 
"Anyone in a free society where the laws are unjust has an obligation to break the law."
- Henry David Thoreau -
 
"What I lack in spirit, I make up for in apathy."
- Andrew White -
 
"If I could tell you what it meant, there would be no point in dancing it."
- Isadora Duncan -
 
"A witty saying proves nothing."
- Voltaire -
 
Everything Else
 
It popped up on the radio like it does once in a while, Yes's I've Seen All Good People, and they sang, like they always do, "'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured for the queen to use." And I thought, like I always do, despite the obvious chess reference, what the fuck are they singing about? Obviously I'm not the only one, because at Song Meanings, you can look up any obscure lyric and read comments on what it means. Is I've Seen All Good People "one of the earliest pro-feminist songs sung by a male group. Life is a game of chess... let the women play too."? I've come to the conclusion that other people are as confused as I am.
 
I'm a WGA Mentor. Dan Fitsimons asked me how to write an MOW, I told him, and he just sold one to the Hallmark Channel. Congrats Dan. Where's my 10%?
 
 
Don't let this happen to you
 
 
 
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Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,
 
Fatima Reporters
 
 
Nobody's imagination was harmed during the production of this column.
 
 
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