Possible Loves
Roxine Denison
Have you ever wondered if it was really possible to love a child that was not born to you and does not share your genes? Many people worry that they will not be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological child. They may not admit it, but they still have these niggling doubts.
However, now that Bodhi is (almost) three months old I can confidently say that I absolutely love him just as much as I loved Skylar at this age. I honestly feel no difference because of him not being my biological child. I am just as ridiculously proud and adore him as much as I possibly could a child I had carried and birthed!
I just wanted to share that for those of you who might be grappling with these same questions and fears because I know I worried and wondered about this a lot. And years before I ever found myself in this phase of life, I used to vehemently believe that no one could ever love their adopted child as much as I loved Skylar. I am very ashamed of those thoughts now.
Your post hurt me greatly.I was adopted from an Orphanage in the UK in 1957.I am 66 years old now.My adoptive mother would always say adoption is not like giving birth.She failed to even tell me I was adopted until
age 63 and gave me a life of severe child abuse. She seemed to be jealous that the adoptive Dad was delighted to adopt me,Despite what you say. I am nothing like that family and yes genetics do play a major role.Maybe You
Should try NOt focusing on yourself and thinking MORE of your adoptive child.
Congratulations on your intent to adopt. We are not a placing agency, so we cannot help you craft your plan or profile. But we CAN help you learn what you need to know to be ready for whomever you welcome to your home. We CAN help you learn more about what they will need from you to parent them well.
There is a dearth of research about the status of adoptive families throughout childhood, and into the key milestones of adulthood, such as adoptees becoming parents themselves. What is known is that adoptees are more likely to do poorly in school, to fall into delinquency, to become criminals. Basically, the interest in adoption outcomes usually ends after the initial placement.
My adoptive parents were friends with several other adoptive families, and I naturally found common ground with other adoptees. The one commonality in these families I knew was profound dysfunction, with one or more of the adopted children struggling throughout their childhoods and into their adult lives. At the halfway point in our lives, several have succumbed to drug addiction, suicide, estrangement, or general failures to achieve and maintain a marriage, a home, a career, a family of their own. Had these adoptive families been afflicted by poverty and its related dysfunctions, it might make sense. But these were all families that were affluent, with educated, professional parents, raised in tony suburban neighborhoods with excellent schools.
I think lots of parents who are expecting their second child wonder and worry if they will love the new child as much as their precious first child-regardless if the new child enters the family through birth or adoption. Most of us find that we can and do. It is also very common to bond instantly with a child, again, regardless if you birthed or adopted the child. For whatever reason there are times when we grow rather than fall in love.
Mani,
Congratuations on your new addition. We had spoken about 3 months ago on the phone ( I am a coworker of Amanda in Virgina) regarding adoption. We have started the homestudy process finally and since looking into adoption over the summer, it has been in my thoughts would me and my husband be able to fully love an adopted child even though we have no children of our own. I enjoyed your article and also the responses to your article.
Actually, my mother, who has five bio children, told me this exact thing after Bodhi was born, when I confessed my fears to her and my guilt at not feeling the same instant, overwhelming, all-encompassing love. She told me that it's never the "same" as your experience with your first, because before that you were not a mother! That first connection with that first baby (or child) is the thing that transforms you utterly into someone that loves another being more than you do yourself (at least that's what it did for me), and changes the entire dynamic of your life. That experience can never be repeated. But it doesn't mean you won't come to love each child equally. That's what she told me. And that rings true for me.
A reader emailed me with the question, "What's the best way to get over falling in love with someone you met via online dating that you've actually never met in person?" Although I appreciate that the reader thinks she has a broken heart, I had to answer this way:
A person cannot fall in love with someone he or she has never met in person. You can chat for hours, days, even months or years online, and that includes Facetiming. You can really, really, really get to know someone, and the potential for real love can certainly be present. In other words, online chatting is a very real way to connect and decide if there are possibilities for the two of you. But, the bottom line is, an online relationship just isn't the real thing. Until the two of you get your bodies into the same room for a certain amount of time, you won't know if you love each other.
Some might disagree with me, but here is the question I have. How can two people be in love if they have never touched each other? I'm not talking about sex, I'm referring to simply feeling the other's skin. How about smell? There is a certain warmth and smell to someone that comes from being close, burying your nose in her neck, the smell of her hair, the smell of her skin. Can't get that via Facetime.
How can two people be in love when their lips have never touched? Isn't a kiss oftentimes the magic that helps you realize you've found true love? (or maybe this kiss makes you realize the opposite-that you aren't in love.) And, can you really say you're in love with a person whose hand you have never held or whose breath you have never breathed in?
Also, falling in love means spending a significant amount of time with someone, not pre-scheduling Facetime meetings where you can look your best and get into the perfect mental state to talk. Being in love means experiencing the vulnerability of him or her seeing you at your worst, both physically-meaning the times you have bedhead or when you have a terrible cold, and mentally, if you just lost your job or heard a family member was ill.
Despite the fact that online chats or Facetiming can include meaningful conversations, both can put you in situations where you are well prepared. True love exists when you are the opposite of prepared, when you are a mess, when you have a fit, or when you cry uncontrollably.
Think about it. When someone sends you a text, you have as long as you need or want to respond. Therefore, there is no authenticity or spontaneity in the conversation. In Facetiming, you can set up the lighting and background, and make yourself look as attractive as you'd like. If a person is self-conscious about his/her body, they can hide it. If he has a receding hairline, he can wear a baseball cap. If she has a scar, she can easily hide it. Can't do that in person.
Also, in person dating allows the people to eventually see where and how the other lives, from the neighborhood to the smell of the inside of his/her home to the person's bed. There are a million little things that make us fall in love, and most of those aren't present during an online situation.
In closing, there is nothing wrong with online dating, in fact it's a great way to start a relationship. But no way is it possible to fall in love until you spend some real time in the other's arms. I will say one other thing. You might look back and realize you were in love before you met in person, but honestly, you will never really know if that was the case.
Dating is scary, and many people feel more comfortable hiding behind the conveniences of modern day technology. These technologies take away what most of us fear most in dating: vulnerability. It is such a shame because anyone who has ever really been in love will tell you that if you have the guts to be vulnerable and show the other person who you really are, and the person accepts and loves you with all of your flaws, there's really no better feeling in the world. And that just can't happen online.
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.
Running a marathon had seemed like an unachievable goal for me, so when I accomplished it, I felt compelled to document my journey. This led me to start writing a book. I discovered that writing and running are quite similar; both require resilience and determination. Neither is easy, but with effort, progress comes.
Merili Freear is an ultrarunner, running coach, and author of the running memoir Just Run: Discovering my love for running and how the impossible becomes possible. You can find her on Instagram @meriliruns.
I ring the buzzer, and I wait. Oh, how I appreciate this locked door and the time it takes for someone to unlock it. It gives me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and cry out to God before stepping through the doorway. I close my eyes for a moment and whisper a prayer to Jesus.
Of course, there are moments when the well runs dry. Those times when our words or actions come out harsh or defensive. A time when our humanness comes out, and we get in the way. Sometimes it means we need to step back and take a rest.
Oh, Debbie, my heart and prayers go out to you from one mom to another. Honesty and trust are so important in a relationship that I, too, struggle greatly when they are lacking. Plus, my idea of honesty always seems to differ from one of my loved ones.
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