What happens when I see that I am going round in a circle…?

[Clive]

February 2012

In spite of all our explorations, endeavors, studying of teachings,
contemplation, meditations and discussions, why is that there is no
real breakthrough, no radical change happening in our consciousness?

Is it because my mind is looking for a change according to a pattern,
according its own image about transformation, and doing all these
‘activities’ of enquiring, meditating?

If mind has a motive in any direction, can it explore freely? It will
be bound by its own motive and directions. There is no freedom for
seeing, looking, listening when there is a motive, direction or a
centre. Seeing-looking from a centre will be limited to the
circumference/boundary created by that centre which is “me” or
“observer”.

So, any knowledge about the teachings, about the insights of great
teachers, of books, and the knowledge acquired through my own
experiences, understandings and reasoning, doesn’t seem to bring about
that radical change, doesn’t seem to help me to see the ‘whole truth’.
I can see the mechanism of ego and the danger of it in relationships
and in day-to-day living, the functioning of the brain and the thought
process, and much more, but nothing seems to bring about the ending of
our deep mediocrity.

Now, it seems that the “seeing of the Truth” (which could be the
factor of that radical change) cannot be the result of any knowledge,
any time consuming process or preparation. Truth or timeless insight
may not be an outcome of some cause-effect phenomenon. Causal
relationships lie within the field of time and something which is
outside the field of time cannot be approached through the instrument
of time. Brain with all its activities and thinking process is an
instrument of time; it has evolved through time. Therefore whatever I
may do, or not do, I cannot invite truth or that radical change.
NOTHING SEEMS TO BE SUFFICIENT FOR THE TRUTH TO APPEAR. YOU can’t
force it. Truth cannot be the result of anything ; if it is a result
of some process then it is within the field of time and human endeavor
and can be achieved through some system, method or technique.

So, knowledge is not the factor of any fundamental transformation. On
the contrary, knowledge is the barrier in the perception of truth.
What is knowledge? It is based on images which mind has accumulated
through past experience. I have an image of love, of beauty, of truth,
of god, of meditation, of sorrow and crisis, and I am pursuing that.
All my enquiry is within this field of images, which is the field of
the known. And, I moving from one image to another, from one area of
know to another area of known, and there is nothing new in this
search; no new discovery is possible. No genuine enquiry is possible
with the tool of knowledge. I only repeat, I move from one corner to
another corner of a prison cell and I call it a spiritual journey or a
religious quest. If I actually see, now, that I am going round in a
vicious circle, then what happens…?

Seeing this vicious circle, realizing the limitation of the instrument
of enquiry that I have, that is, the mind, the me/self, which is based
on thought and knowledge, what takes place? Doesn’t mind become
motionless? Finds itself unable to move? Doesn’t the drive to search,
to seek, to become something, to achieve something become slow and
comes to a rest - like a fan which was running fast suddenly – seeing
the futility of its motion - slows down?

Now, another deeper question comes : Am I really seeking truth or
transformation, or am I just seeking some kind of fulfillment?
If I am actually concerned about truth, this concern or deep interest
will bring about its own stillness, its own freedom.

-M

(from a friend in India)