I 39;m Gonna Be A Big Sister

[Akinlolu Bellotti]

Myparents are having a big birthday bash. For as much as I have social anxiety I don't have anxiety about public speaking- I'm actually quite a good public speaker provided I've prepared what I'm saying, I'm not good at off the cuff things. I suggested to my parents that I speak at the party- mum did not want to be the centre of attention. She doesn't want people saying nice things about her, complimenting her- she finds that intensely embarrassing. I concede- fine I won't give a speech. We don't need one anyway- I thought it was a nice idea, but it's only nice if it is appreciated by the people it is intended for- ie. my parents. My sister is not going to be at the party. So she plans this idea of doing a video she can send because she isn't going to be there. She asks me to send her something for the video. I find it really weird that I'd need to be in the video because I'm going to be at the party, but I bite my tongue.

I don't at all find video recording things very easy. The good thing about public speeches is that I am anxious, and it gives me energy- with video, I'm not really nervous enough for it to turn into energy- my video recordings of this style always fall flat. (I once attempted to start a YouTube Channel, I had about 10 subscribers and I eventually gave up). Anyway, I do the recording anyway. As soon as my sister sends me the message- I have in my head, but mum doesn't want to be the centre of attention, and she doesn't want compliments. So I avoid those, since I had quite a big argument about wanting to give a speech. My sisters replies "lol, don't you want to saying something nice? it's going to look really weird if I'm saying nice things about them, and then you just say happy birthday". So I leave it for a few days, then reply "okay I'll send something more later today", but to my fault I don't send her anything. I don't know what to send. In retrospect, this was the moment when I should have said "actually mum said she didn't want to be the centre of attention, she didn't want any gushing compliments". Hindsight is 20/20 though. I didn't want to spoil my sisters fun. The additional element to this is that I'm finding it really hard, either by writing things down or by recording it off the cuff, to do gushing over-emotional. I'm not an overly emotive person. It's not me. I'm not confident enough to do the taking the mick, funny thing. The thought of doing this video recording is making me cringe. I didn't want to do the Happy Birthday message- that seemed stupid enough considering I was there. Then she wants me, presumably, to do some sort of gushy message that is not me. I can't jam in a load of quotes, I can't talk about the general virtue of marriage (they have been married 25 years now). In a speech ordinarily I'd touch on universal themes- tell a few anecdotes maybe. This video she's asked me to do with no direction except to just "say nice things about Mum and Dad"- informal, ie. I am being myself, and it is not a front.

My sister seems to want me to be someone that I am not. My sister, in her very neurotypical and incredibly selfish way, seems to interpret my inability to express feelings as though I don't have them- she interprets this as cold and heartless. She waits a week for me to send something and then last night she sends me a message saying just that. "I'm nearly done with the video. I'm gonna send it to *name withheld* in 2 days. You need to send me something by then or you won't be in it and that's just gonna be awkward at the party. Please find ANYTHING nice to say about mum and dad. It really shouldn't be this hard. We're really lucky to have them. You should know that more than me". See also "Guilt trip. Guilt trip. Icing. Guilt trip. Guilt trip. Cherry on top".

So I reply "It's going to be awkward if I'm in it. I'm going to be at the party. I didn't want to do this at all, why not use what I did send you. You don't get to ask people who can not sing if they would sing at a party. Why do you get to ask this of me? It isn't fair. And anyway, Mum specifically said she didn't want to be the centre of attention. I asked if I could make a speech and she said no. She doesn't want people gushing over her". I only somewhat regret the last part of that- in that it may make her pull the whole video. I don't begrudge the video at all. I think it's a great idea in the same way that having someone singing at the party would also be great. But having some weird karaoke after a performance by an Operatic star would look terrible. My sister's video will be heart-felt and amazing. To bring me on afterwards or in the same video is going to look odd whatever I say. We may as well get a professional singer to do a duet with the worst karoake singer you can imagine. I don't get the insistence that I have to be in it, especially when I'm going to be actually *at the party*. She thinks it will be weird if I'm not in it. I don't, if anyone else does they probably won't say so- if they do I've no problem saying "I didn't see the point of it when I'm actually at the party". She doesn't seem to understand that it is not that I don't appreciate our parents, but that I find it intensely difficult to express any sort of emotion, much less anything so deep as that- nor does she understand the deeper and more heartfelt the emotion, the harder it is for someone like me to convey it. And yes, I've had that exact conversation several times now- it goes in one ear and out the other as evidenced by the "It really shouldn't be this hard" followed by emotional blackmail via thinly veiled assumptions that I don't know how great our parents are.

She then responds: "Ok so now you make me feel bad for making a video for them. Honestly. I find it appalling that you can't say anything nice about them. That's absolutely ridiculous. It's nothing to do with the ability unless you physically can't be a nice person. I guess we're figuring that out then."

So I respond: "I actually specifically didn't say 'oh but Mum didn't want to be the centre of attention' even though it was my first literal thought because I didn't want to spoil your fun and I knew it would. It has everything to do with my ability to express myself emotionally which I find difficult. I have told you this multiple times but you still don't get it at all. If you don't think I'm a nice person then fine. But I am done apologising for not being emotionally exactly like you. I've tried to explain multiple times. You clearly don't want to understand. Perhaps it is easier if I am the villain. Whatever it is I don't care anymore. Get over it, understand that people are different from you. If you can't do that I'm not going to apologise anymore for something I have very little control over."

My sister really doesn't understand that it's like "hey, you know how terrible you are at expressing emotions, why not do that on video to be shown in front of 60 odd people, oh you can't do that? You must be a terrible person." If you asked a person in a wheelchair to walk and they couldn't you wouldn't chastise them for not being able to. But empathy and expressing emotions are moralistic characteristics, walking isn't.

I find the way that neurotypical people police the emotions of autistic people astonishing for several reasons but mainly I don't have an authoritarian streak in me, and I never really have. The urge to control other people is totally alien to me. My thoughts are generally- do whatever the hell you want, why do I care? If there are magic words to explain to my sister why emotionally I'm not exactly like her- I welcome those. I don't think they exist, not least until she is willing to listen. But I could have predicted what would happen. It's why I really did concede- okay I'll do the video, and why I really tried to film something but couldn't. Everything I filmed was dreadful. Then she reacted exactly how I thought she would react, which is why I really tried to film something- she suggested that I don't love or appreciate our parents enough. If someone can not sing, do they all of a sudden not appreciate music? No, they just can't sing. Why do neurotypes get to insist that autists do things they aren't comfortable about doing, or sometimes even able to do? Then after the fact, they moan about how said autists didn't do it properly.

I guess my main question is - how do I get my sister to understand where I am coming from? I'm really not sure she wants to understand and that may be half the problem, but I don't have high hopes for any future relationship if she doesn't at least try. In the event that she realises she doesn't need to cast me as the perpetual villain, and in the event that she tries to understand- is there any advice for how I can try to get her to understand. At the moment I'm not sure she even wants to- but perhaps eventually she will.

Wow. Sounds to me like your sister has been having a go at you because she is feeling guilty about not being at the party. Is she in fact projecting her own, "I'm worried I'm a bad person for not being at my parents' party" feelings onto you?

By ensuring everyone that matters appears in the video, your sister essentially validates her (video) approach by the implied consensus of those appearing, even though your own mother has specifically said she doesn't want a fuss.

I don't think you should be feeling bad at all about your approach. You have tried to get along. I agree it's a little weird if you are in the video and also at the party. Perhaps your sister wants the video to outlive the actual party, and feels that to fulfil that goal, it needs contributions from all relevant family members, even if they were present at the party?

You could tell your sister to pull your scenes from the video. You might feel more comfortable writing out your heartfelt thoughts about your parents in a letter or card and presenting it quietly to them at the event itself. An action like this might demonstrate that you are perfectly capable of saying nice things about your parents, but that given your ASD, the means of delivery just has to be different.

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