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tcremer
Dec 22, 2007, 5:04:48 PM12/22/07
to knapp-cremer
Check them out here...
http://picasaweb.google.com/knappcremer
Sorry that I haven't kept more in touch with some of you but... Well,
you probably know the gig. :-)
The suburbs aren't all bad. Below is a column from one of our local
papers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jeff's helpful holiday survival guide
December 19, 2007
There I was, listening to Aurora's AM 1280 morning show hosts, Greg
Rivara and Brian Felsten, interview a psychologist who'd penned a book
on surviving the holidays. Among other techniques, she proclaimed deep
breaths, quiet time and reminding yourself it's just a few days out of
the year, as the means to get through it all.
Yeah, right! If by "get through it all" she means with a bleeding
ulcer or self-inflicted gunshot wound, then I might agree.
What good is celebrating the season if I can't suck down 12 beers in
60 minutes and swear at my mother? What fun are the holidays if I
can't kick my brother's butt out of my house? Isn't Christmas day the
time to get drunk and point out the abundant faults of all family
members in attendance? How else would you show you care?
That deep breath malarkey only lets the aggravation build for an
entire year and that can't be good for you!
This year, I won't be happy until, ala comedian Jeff Foxworthy, I'm on
Cops with my wife hanging out the doublewide in a tube top and curlers
screaming, "Lock his ass up!"
While we're at it, and only if you must, wish me a "Merry Christmas"
-- none of this "Happy Holidays" hogwash. Yes! Just like VHS trounced
the Betamax videotape format, Christmas has beaten the crap out of
Chanukah. Not to worry my Jewish brethren, this isn't a retreat from
diversity. Not even Christians believe there's a shred of religious
significance left to Christmas.
Although, I am considering celebrating Kwanzaa just to freak out the
neighbors.
So, here's a few more surefire ways to make the holidays better for
everyone involved!
* Don't put those fake reindeer antlers on your dog for the Christmas
card picture. It was kind of cute the first time. The 43,967th it's
not.
* Seasonal tipping has got to STOP!!! Christmas is the season of
giving, not taking, and advertising for an end-of-the-year gratuity
doesn't cut it. To prove a point, handing out cards noting a
charitable donation in the "tippee's" name would get my newspapers on
the roof, my garbage strewn across Randall Road and my next massage
would qualify as torture even under George W. Bush's loose definition.
* If you've lived within 100 miles of Kane County for three years or
more and still haven't figured out how to drive in December snow and
ice, please mail your driver's license to The Beacon News, care of me.
I will have it shredded.
* Also, don't complain about December weather -- you chose to live
here!
* No Christmas lights before Dec. 23 -- and they're down by the 27th.
No exceptions! After barely recovering from the excessive Halloween
displays of bloody dismemberment, I had to start putting on sunglasses
at night. Now, if you combined Halloween and Christmas
decorations . . . now that could lead to therapy and lawsuits.
And if your Christmas lights can't dance to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra
tune, don't even bother!
* Don't make Christmas Eve your first 2007 foray to church. It only
makes God mad. (I've been gone so long He doesn't notice!)
* No radio stations playing Christmas carols 24 hours a day in
October, or any other month for that matter. The only worthy Christmas
song is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and even I don't want to
hear it on Thanksgiving.
* Any store owner/manager displaying Christmas paraphernalia before
Thanksgiving shall be forced to listen to a Hannah Montana song 3,697
times.
* Don't even think about a fruitcake, I'll just return it via one of
your larger windows.
* If you show up at my front door singing Christmas carols, I'll
promptly sic the dogs on you.
* Please! Don't invite me to a Christmas party unless you want me to
drink all your beer and yell at your family members.
* Lastly, NO MORE SAPPY CHRISTMAS LETTERS. I would pay even strangers
if it meant fewer holiday missives. I don't care if little Timmy
mastered the art of toilet training (unless he's at my house), if
little Suzy won the Nobel Prize or your dog learned to speak Latin.
Please spare us all, we only use them to make fun of you.
However, should your yearly epistle recount tales of your husband's
parole being revoked, you hittin' the bottle again, and your
daughter's search for the baby's father, by all means, send it!
Phew!!! I feel much better. And now you don't need no stinking
psychologist! Thank you for the opportunity to vent and set you all on
the path to not only surviving, but truly enjoying the holidays -- I
mean Christmas.
http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/bataviasun/news/ward/701201,2_6_2_TC19_WARD_S1.article
http://picasaweb.google.com/knappcremer
Sorry that I haven't kept more in touch with some of you but... Well,
you probably know the gig. :-)
The suburbs aren't all bad. Below is a column from one of our local
papers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jeff's helpful holiday survival guide
December 19, 2007
There I was, listening to Aurora's AM 1280 morning show hosts, Greg
Rivara and Brian Felsten, interview a psychologist who'd penned a book
on surviving the holidays. Among other techniques, she proclaimed deep
breaths, quiet time and reminding yourself it's just a few days out of
the year, as the means to get through it all.
Yeah, right! If by "get through it all" she means with a bleeding
ulcer or self-inflicted gunshot wound, then I might agree.
What good is celebrating the season if I can't suck down 12 beers in
60 minutes and swear at my mother? What fun are the holidays if I
can't kick my brother's butt out of my house? Isn't Christmas day the
time to get drunk and point out the abundant faults of all family
members in attendance? How else would you show you care?
That deep breath malarkey only lets the aggravation build for an
entire year and that can't be good for you!
This year, I won't be happy until, ala comedian Jeff Foxworthy, I'm on
Cops with my wife hanging out the doublewide in a tube top and curlers
screaming, "Lock his ass up!"
While we're at it, and only if you must, wish me a "Merry Christmas"
-- none of this "Happy Holidays" hogwash. Yes! Just like VHS trounced
the Betamax videotape format, Christmas has beaten the crap out of
Chanukah. Not to worry my Jewish brethren, this isn't a retreat from
diversity. Not even Christians believe there's a shred of religious
significance left to Christmas.
Although, I am considering celebrating Kwanzaa just to freak out the
neighbors.
So, here's a few more surefire ways to make the holidays better for
everyone involved!
* Don't put those fake reindeer antlers on your dog for the Christmas
card picture. It was kind of cute the first time. The 43,967th it's
not.
* Seasonal tipping has got to STOP!!! Christmas is the season of
giving, not taking, and advertising for an end-of-the-year gratuity
doesn't cut it. To prove a point, handing out cards noting a
charitable donation in the "tippee's" name would get my newspapers on
the roof, my garbage strewn across Randall Road and my next massage
would qualify as torture even under George W. Bush's loose definition.
* If you've lived within 100 miles of Kane County for three years or
more and still haven't figured out how to drive in December snow and
ice, please mail your driver's license to The Beacon News, care of me.
I will have it shredded.
* Also, don't complain about December weather -- you chose to live
here!
* No Christmas lights before Dec. 23 -- and they're down by the 27th.
No exceptions! After barely recovering from the excessive Halloween
displays of bloody dismemberment, I had to start putting on sunglasses
at night. Now, if you combined Halloween and Christmas
decorations . . . now that could lead to therapy and lawsuits.
And if your Christmas lights can't dance to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra
tune, don't even bother!
* Don't make Christmas Eve your first 2007 foray to church. It only
makes God mad. (I've been gone so long He doesn't notice!)
* No radio stations playing Christmas carols 24 hours a day in
October, or any other month for that matter. The only worthy Christmas
song is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and even I don't want to
hear it on Thanksgiving.
* Any store owner/manager displaying Christmas paraphernalia before
Thanksgiving shall be forced to listen to a Hannah Montana song 3,697
times.
* Don't even think about a fruitcake, I'll just return it via one of
your larger windows.
* If you show up at my front door singing Christmas carols, I'll
promptly sic the dogs on you.
* Please! Don't invite me to a Christmas party unless you want me to
drink all your beer and yell at your family members.
* Lastly, NO MORE SAPPY CHRISTMAS LETTERS. I would pay even strangers
if it meant fewer holiday missives. I don't care if little Timmy
mastered the art of toilet training (unless he's at my house), if
little Suzy won the Nobel Prize or your dog learned to speak Latin.
Please spare us all, we only use them to make fun of you.
However, should your yearly epistle recount tales of your husband's
parole being revoked, you hittin' the bottle again, and your
daughter's search for the baby's father, by all means, send it!
Phew!!! I feel much better. And now you don't need no stinking
psychologist! Thank you for the opportunity to vent and set you all on
the path to not only surviving, but truly enjoying the holidays -- I
mean Christmas.
http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/bataviasun/news/ward/701201,2_6_2_TC19_WARD_S1.article
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