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Kanisha Dezarn
You know it, you love it ... that's right, it's the National Spelling Bee, a spectacle that ranks alongside the Adult Video News Awards and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show as the most secretly captivating telecast on TV.
APThe legendary "euonym girl" from 1997 still overshadows all National Spelling Bee contestants.Has the Spelling Bee ever not delivered the goods? For one thing, you can compete along with the contestants. You learn dozens of words that could never be used under any circumstances. The tension during the contest becomes unbearable at times. And if you're watching this with some friends, the "Mystery Science Theater" potential is off the charts. There's something for everyone.
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1 p.m. -- Welcome to Washington, D.C., for the 75th annual Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee! Our announcers: former Bee champion Katie McCrimmon and Page 2's own Chris McKendry, who handily defeated the Road Dog and David Halberstam in Scrabble during our Christmas party last year. The contest started on Wednesday with 250 competitors, eventually getting whittled down to 40 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 (20 males, 20 females). My goal? To make it through this entire column without poking fun at any of them. I haven't been tested like this in years.
1:02 -- Today's Head Pronouncer: Dr. Alex Cameron, a professor of English at Dayton who could best be described as a poor man's James Lipton. Shouldn't he grow a cheesy beard to complete the Lipton effect? And while we're at it, shouldn't every Spelling Bee moderator have a cheesy beard? That should be in the rule book.
1:03 -- Our first word: "Gloxinia," a greenhouse Brazilian herb. I think I bought this once while I was in Mexico; I got ripped off. Somehow, the 10-year-old boy from New York nails it. You have to love any contest that features people from New York who can spell.
1:04 -- Jacqueline from New York enjoys Irish dancing, basketball and swimming ... but she doesn't enjoy the word "casein" (the principal protein of cheese), which she just spelled wrong. Fifty years from now, somebody will say something to her like, "This cheese doesn't taste like it has enough casein," and she'll snap and kill everyone in the room.
1:10 -- Our next competitor: Charlotte, N.C., resident Ifreke Okpokowuruk, who prepared for the contest today by repeatedly spelling his own name in the hotel lobby. He can't spell "brevet" (a government document). After him, Kevin from South Dakota correctly spells "parabulia" (abnormality or perversion of will power). The next three contestants screw up on "skiagram" (an X-ray photograph), "masseter" (a jaw muscle) and "instauration" (restoration after decay). I actually spelled two of those. I'm 2-for-6 right now. You can't stop me.
1:15 -- Michael from Ohio gets "noumenal" (relating to an object of apprehension), then heads back to his seat as the camera follows him, finally smiling into the camera and looking officially noumenal. That might have been the first time in Spelling Bee history that someone actually acted out the word.
1:17 -- Reason No. 32 why I love the Spelling Bee: ESPN uses some sort of modified version of the "Fletch" soundtrack for the commercial breaks. Is Dr. John Koktostin one of the judges? By the way, I think I've watched too much playoff basketball over the past few weeks -- I keep waiting for one of these kids to spell a word correctly, then pound on his or her chest and point defiantly to the crowd. Way too much Kenyon Martin in my life lately.
1:19 -- Parth Lakhani from Pennsylvania has a bushier mustache than Rudi did during the last two years of "The Cosby Show." Chris tells us that Parth speaks several languages, including Hindi ... that doesn't help him spell "doyen" (the senior male member of the group).
APKristina Michelle Fondren, 12, of Morehead City, N.C., reacts after incorrectly spelling "bathyal."1:20 -- After two minutes of procrastinating, Mohammad Bader from Pennsylvania just misspelled "marcescent," described as "withering without falling off" ... which could also describe just about every contestant's stage presence this afternoon.
Meanwhile, Katie tells us that "Dr. Cameron spends months sitting on his front porch working on this list. Grueling preparation." That might be the first time in history that "grueling" was ever used in the same sentence as "front porch." We're making history here at the 75th annual Spelling Bee.
1:25 -- Abhijith Eswarappa. That's not a word, that's a competitor. "He's also a strong mathmetician," Chris tells us, as Katie adds that Abhijith is already being recruited by colleges at age 14 (including Duke University). Sounds a little suspicious. Sadly, he couldn't get "beignet" (a fritter).
(Note: I actually knew that spelling, because beignets are a New Orleans specialty, as I found out during Super Bowl week. Nothing like throwing down some beignets while people are leaving death threats in your hotel room. Good times.)
1:28 -- Just the facts about Steven from Tennessee: He wants to be a video game programmer some day ... his favorite movie is "Shrek" ... he enjoys swimming, drawing, traveling and hyperventilating during spelling bees. Somehow he pulls off the spelling for "sericeous" (having a fuzzy surface) before nearly passing out. Very exciting. It's not officially a Spelling Bee until someone's practically hyperventilating.
1:34 -- Random TV thoughts: Couldn't ESPN show an alternate version of this contest on ESPN2, with Jay Mohr and Jeffrey Ross serving as co-hosts and cracking jokes? Would anyone be against this? What would it be like if Fox ever acquired the rights to the Spelling Bee? Couldn't Fred Williard serve as a co-host one year, just so he could pull his "Best In Show" routine? And why aren't there sideline reporters in the Comfort Room?
1:36 -- Word of the day so far: "pesade" (a maneuver in which a horse is made to raise his forequarters off the grounds without advancing). I'm sure workers in the stables use this word all the time.
1:39 -- Katie again: "Every year we've had more and more home schoolers ... this year we had 10 percent of the pack from home schools." Sounds like a potential "Outside the Lines" episode. Have you ever met anyone who was home-schooled? These people eventually leave their houses, right? Are they allowed to have social contact? I'm brimming with questions right now.
1:41 -- Dr. Cameron's example of how to use "garibaldi" properly: "Antonio followed his mother through the crowded market, keeping a sharp eye on her garibaldi." I don't even have a joke here. Twenty-six spellers still alive.
1:44 -- The highlight of the day: The flashback to the 1997 finals, when the soon-to-be champion hears the winning word ("euonym"), jumps up and down (because she knows it), then shrieks each letter in crazed delight. That's like a cross between Carlton Fisk's homer in the '75 World Series and Carl Lewis singing the national anthem. The greatest spelling bee highlight of all-time, on about nine different levels.
APCatherine Miller, 12, of Niskayuna, N.Y., wasn't afraid to go face-to-face with the indomitable Dr. Alex Cameron.1:48 -- Ladies and gentleman, our associate pronouncer for today ... Dr. Jacques Bailly! He's clearly the second-best pronouncer in the country right now. Think he ever fantasizes about smashing a breccia over Dr. Cameron's head?
1:54 -- Hey, somebody normal! It's Stephanie from San Francisco, who seems like she's actually ventured outside in the past six months. She just nailed "periosteal" (situated around bone). Come on, Steph! I'm rooting for a showdown between Steph and The Hyperventilator for the championship.
2:01 -- When a kid from Illinois spells "sortileger" (someone who tells fortunes), the judges use instant replay to make sure he spelled it correctly (nope). For God's sake, even the Spelling Bee instituted instant replay before the NBA did. Unbelievable.
2:02 -- All right, I'll ask: What happens in the Comfort Room? Just a lot of crying and back-rubbing? It's like the secret room that David Stern emerges from before every NBA draft pick ... we simply don't know what happens back there. I'm downright intrigued. Do they give each kid a smoking jacket, a massage chair and some spiced-up punch? Are there psychologists back there? I need to know these things.
2:17 -- Katie has perfected the agonized "Ohhhhhhhhh" groan when somebody misspells a word. Right out of the Dick Button playbook. By the way, would it kill ESPN to show Katie and Chris a little more? We have to look at Chris Berman for six straight hours during the NFL draft, but we hardly get any shots of Katie and Chris. Heads are going to roll the next time I visit Bristol.
2:19 -- April Reynolds endured 14 different brain surgeries as a child, she was reading by 18 months old ... now she's being forced to spell "macumba" (a Brazilian ritual or cult). Way too much going on right now. Do you think the Brazilians ever break out the gloxinia bong during the macumba?
-- KATIE: "About 10 million students start in local spelling bees, now we're down to the best 19 in the country."
-- CHRIS: "How much work do they put out on a daily basis?"
-- KATIE: "At this point? Almost all day."
2:26 -- Wisconsin's Trevor Mahoney has a full-fledged, Dave Wannstedt-esque cheesy mustache going. Highest of high comedy. This kid is 14 going on 35. Absolutely the highlight of the show so far. You can almost picture him backstage hitting on all the female competitors and showing people his fake ID. Unfortunately, he botches "sculpin" (scaleless bony fishes). Everyone I like keeps getting knocked off.
2:33 -- Reason No. 34 Why I Love The Spelling Bee: Whenever one of the contestants asks, "Is there another pronunciation?" for a word, and Dr. Cameron coldly looks up and says, "No." That kills me for some reason. He would make a fantastic movie villain.
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