The issue here was that the certificate was unsigned [derp], so anybody seeing this in the future should be sure to use "openssl verify -verbose -CAfile ${/path/to/ca-chain.pem} ${/path/to/client/cert}" and ensure that your cert is verifiable before proceeding.
Also, I'd recommend that users add the internal hostname or IP to the CA cnf file as a SAN (subjectAltName); certificates, by default, will be for localhost only.
Lastly, if you're reading this and wonder why I'm replying to my own posts here is a relevant
xkcd.