Four Buddies And The Bride
Ling Kliment
I was wondering if it's socially acceptable not to have a maid of honor or best man at your wedding? My boyfriend and I are starting to plan our wedding, and although we each have several friends we'd like to have in our wedding party, neither of us has one super-close best friend of the same sex.
If I had to choose a maid of honor, I'd probably just have his sister, since I don't have a "best" female friend. And asking his sister seems a little weird to me, since I barely know her. Likewise, my boyfriend has several close guy buddies, but feels it would be weird to pick out one as his "best" man. Will it be totally weird if we each have three or four 'maids and three or four groomsmen, but no maid of honor or best man?
With so many other aspects of wedding planning, you wind up letting other people weigh in and considering their opinions and what's "socially acceptable" before making a decision. This is one of the few opportunities you'll get to do
But there's just one thing to consider: The beauty of having a maid of honor or best man is that it automatically puts one person in charge of the group, which often consists of people whose only connection is the bride or groom. It won't be natural for them to act as a group if they barely know each other, and it'll be harder for them to get anything done when no one's officially "in charge." To make it easier on them, I'd designate the person in charge for each "activity." Ask one 'maid to be the go-to girl for shower organizing, another to plan your bachelorette, a third to speak at the wedding, and so on.
Then one day, he asked me to look up something on his phone and that's when I saw text messages between him and a girl named "Ginger" who works for him, inviting her to come to the shop every night to have a beer. Of course she never said no. She also would text him looking for him if he couldn't make it, telling him she would miss him.
My husband is 60; Ginger is 30. He also tells me he also has a woman friend (also 30) who works at a local business. He has confided personal family business to her that I know she has shared with other people.
I'm at a loss. I'm retired but I'm always ready to go and do anything with him. I have supper ready when he gets home after spending an extra hour with Ginger every night. What can I do to bring my husband home to me? I take care of myself, always look my best and listen when he talks. -- WHAT TO DO IN THE EAST
DEAR WHAT TO DO: This may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband's fear of his own mortality. In light of the fact that he has just lost two close friends in the last three months, he may find the company of these young women to be a distraction. That said, what he's doing is disrespectful to you and possibly a threat to your marriage.
Have you discussed how this has made you feel? If you haven't, you should. You appear to be trying your best to do your part, but you can't fix this alone. It may be time for you to start concentrating less on what pleases him and more on what is good for you. And while you're at it, begin monitoring his/your financial records to see if there have been any "out of the ordinary" expenditures. If there have been, it may be time to consult a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 30 years but have never really been happy with each other. For years I have had painful skin infections on my face, which have required trips to multiple dermatologists. They have done biopsies, and they still can't pinpoint the cause of my skin problems.
I always suspected that my husband might have had something to do with this, plus I found a book he had about wild mushrooms. In it, he had underlined a part that said mushrooms are parasitic. What do you think, Abby? -- SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I think you should discuss this with the doctors who have been trying to diagnose the cause of your repeated infections. If you are correct in your suspicions, you should talk to the police because your husband may be guilty of assault with intent to harm you. This may be your chance to end your long, unhappy marriage. Do not return to the master bedroom until this matter has been resolved to your satisfaction.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. We have no children together, but I have four from a previous marriage. Two are grown and have moved out; two are still home and in high school.
When we got together, my husband stepped right up and became a wonderful stepdad. He has always been a provider, a listener, an advice giver, friend, etc. He is the epitome of a great dad and husband. My family loves him, and I love him with my whole heart.
There is just one small problem that has recurred throughout our marriage. Abby, he told me several years ago that he had stopped smoking marijuana, yet many times over the years I have caught him sneaking around to do it. If I ask him about it, he lies to my face and insists that no, he doesn't. I don't ask unless I have seen it or have found some somewhere.
We live in a state where recreational use is legal, so it's not the smoking that really bothers me -- it's the lying. I don't partake, so I guess I don't understand, but how can I get him to see that I need him to be honest with me? I can't accept being lied to, especially over something so stupid. -- MIFFED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MIFFED: Your husband may lie because he knows how you feel about his smoking, and he wants to avoid conflict. Since you have caught him in the act, his unwillingness to fess up shows a lack of character and, I'm sorry to say, a tendency to gaslight you, and I don't blame you for being upset.
There are few ways more effective in eroding trust than to do what you say he has been doing. That is why it is important the two of you have an HONEST discussion about his pot smoking -- either at home or in the office of a licensed family therapist.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently moved to a new city. I have made friends here, and we have great neighbors. I have become close with several of the women, but my husband has not made any buddies. When I try to create opportunities for him to get closer to the guys, he reacts by saying, "How dare you!" or "What makes you think I need help?"
When I want some girl time with my friends, he gets mad and accuses me of not wanting him around and excluding him from my life. I can't seem to make him understand that women need girl time for our own mental health, and it is not about him. Help, please! -- SAD AND TRAPPED
DEAR SAD: Most women need women friends, so please don't isolate yourself in an attempt to placate your husband. If he thinks that by hanging around with you and your women friends he is filling what's missing in his social life, he needs a wake-up call. Whether you want him around during those visits or not, the feelings of the other women should be considered.
Did your husband have male friends in your former town? I suspect not, which may be why he continues to be so dependent on you now. Unless he is willing to make the effort, you can't fix his social problems. Encouraging him to develop hobbies and interests of his own may help, and volunteering in your new community might introduce him to other men he can bond with. Please suggest it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm new to the LGBTQ+ community and finding it tough. I'm torn between living a happy life or being around my family, who don't 100% accept me as bisexual/asexual and involved with a transgender female. My new partner and I are happy together, but my family doesn't approve that I'm finally feeling happy and accepted by someone who values me for me.
My partner and I want to eventually move to another state where we can live a happier life together, if and when the time comes. I want to live free from stress and drama. I battle daily with bad triggers in my personal life with no escape. How can I be happy and have my family support me, even if it doesn't make them happy? -- BI MILLENNIAL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BI MILLENNIAL: You have a right to a stress-free life. Because your given family isn't accepting, you may have to build a chosen family for yourself. If you live in a community with a LGBTQ community center -- or one nearby -- start by contacting it. If you don't, go online and find a LGBTQ+ support group to help you through this.
Another source of support for yourself and your partner would be PFLAG, (pflag.org). It also helps bridge the gap in families struggling to communicate and understand gay, bi and transgender family members. With education comes understanding. If, however, this isn't possible, the healthiest thing for you to do would be to move to a place where you can feel accepted for who you are.
DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We've had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together.
His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She's not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I find it annoying.
She has a son, so I don't think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this? -- HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS
DEAR LADY: You may consider yourself to be "humble," but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous.
While you may consider your husband's oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn't give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don't have to love her. You don't have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.