Addicted
Katerine Aldrige
I read the message, then spent the next forty-five seconds feeling bad, but within minutes, I was back tapping my way through Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. For the next three hours, I eased the pain of rejection by doom-swiping through potential matches.
This was my pattern. I downloaded dating apps, hunted for potential lovers, and when I found a candidate, I talked or texted for a day or two before going on a date, which sometimes involved sleeping with them immediately.
I was becoming hopeless. I believed I was never going to find a partner, and at the same time, I was miserably addicted to dating apps. They had a grip on me as tight as the chokehold drugs and booze had once had.
I'm an addict, a multi-layered one. So I know well what it means to chase a substance or person with abandon and later end up with crushing disappointment, guilt, shame, and further damaged self-esteem.
I'd also joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), where I learned how to not chase lovers who offered me only a small corner of their lives (while the rest of the room was filled with, oh I don't know, a wife, kids...). I fought the fight and emerged educated and empowered.
So what the hell was I doing now, tapping and swiping and behaving like a full-blown junkie? After everything I'd learned in therapy and in twelve-step programs, how had I let myself become addicted yet again?
On Valentine's Day 2024, six dating app users filed a lawsuit against Match Group (the owners of the Hinge, Tinder, etc.), claiming the company has a "predatory" business model that locks people into addictive habits, including spending more money than they can afford.
Although I do think dating apps are addictive, whether or not they are is arbitrary. Match Group is not going to change. I'm still going to use the apps. All we can really control is our relationship with them, so that's what's worth looking at.
The energy I brought to the dating apps was a problem. Some studies show that it's more likely that what makes some of us highly susceptible to their seductive charms has to do with the relationship we have with ourselves.
But it wasn't only the swiping and people shopping I made into a numbers game of desperation. It was the dating itself. I thought if I didn't get together with at least three people a week, I wasn't trying hard enough.
So I dated not only those I was excited about but people I was only mildly interested in, and even those I really didn't think I liked anything about. I told myself the more humans I exposed myself to, the better my chances of finding the right one.
And I had no tolerance for loneliness or boredom. An unfilled hour in my day was a form of torture, so I filled the time with just about anyone who paid attention to me. I knew I needed to do something. I had to change.
Within SLAA, I found the potential for a solution, but I pushed back. SLAA members offered some pretty radical suggestions for how I might make healthy dating choices, and I smiled and nodded while thinking, not a chance in hell I'm doing that.
Rather than diving headfirst into all these drastic suggestions, I focused on what I thought was the best of SLAA, and that suggestion came from my sponsor. "What if you spent less time looking outward and started working on your relationship with yourself?"
I knew this kind of thinking was possible because I knew people who were thriving without a romantic prospect in sight. They worked and took classes, they traveled, they spent time with family and friends, they spent time all by themselves and enjoyed it. I wanted to learn the secrets of these people.
My first question was about how they dealt with boredom without running to their phones to swipe like a maniac. I knew my own propensity for boredom was a big part of my problem, and research published in BMC Psychology backs me up.
According to this study, the people most likely to develop "problematic use" of dating apps were those who used Tinder to "reduce boredom." In other words, Tinder is no place to seek satisfying entertainment.
I decided my solo time could include 30 to 60 minutes a day, more or less, of swiping, while I'd spend the majority of my time alone doing activities I like: Reading, playing video games, writing, spending time on at a nearby pond.
I also dedicated myself to staying in better touch with my friends and to trying harder at work. Over time, as I watched myself doing positive things and avoiding unhealthy behaviors, I could feel my self-esteem growing.
Before long I was spending about an hour a day on dating apps instead of five. I now go on one date a week instead of three. I show up to dates with high hopes but low expectations, and I walk away when a situation doesn't suit me.
As a result, I feel my energy is calmer. I no longer crackle with anxiety about what I might be missing. Sure, sometimes I still doom-swipe after a date doesn't work out, but I catch myself doing it and shift my attention to something that makes me feel good, like showing up to my weekly yoga class or competitive cornhole league.
If you're struggling with app addiction, you're certainly not alone. And isn't that an irony? App addition makes you feel alone despite the fact that you share a condition with millions of other people.
It's a glorious feeling to know you're in control of an aspect of your life, and sometimes the first step to taking control of a situation means closing the door on whoever or whatever seems to be controlling you.
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Addiction is a lot like other diseases, such as heart disease. Both disrupt the normal, healthy functioning of an organ in the body, both have serious harmful effects, and both are, in many cases, preventable and treatable. If left untreated, they can last a lifetime and may lead to death.
Even relatively moderate drug use poses dangers. Consider how a social drinker can become intoxicated, get behind the wheel of a car, and quickly turn a pleasurable activity into a tragedy that affects many lives. Occasional drug use, such as misusing an opioid to get high, can have similarly disastrous effects, including impaired driving and overdose.
The initial decision to take drugs is typically voluntary. But with continued use, a person's ability to exert self-control can become seriously impaired. This impairment in self-control is the hallmark of addiction.
Brain imaging studies of people with addiction show physical changes in areas of the brain that are critical to judgment, decision-making, learning and memory, and behavior control.12 These changes help explain the compulsive nature of addiction.
As with other diseases and disorders, the likelihood of developing an addiction differs from person to person, and no single factor determines whether a person will become addicted to drugs. In general, the more risk factors a person has, the greater the chance that taking drugs will lead to drug use and addiction. Protective factors, on the other hand, reduce a person's risk. Risk and protective factors may be either environmental or biological.
Biological factors that can affect a person's risk of addiction include their genes, stage of development, and even gender or ethnicity. Scientists estimate that genes, including the effects environmental factors have on a person's gene expression, called epigenetics, account for between 40 and 60 percent of a person's risk of addiction.27 Also, teens and people with mental disorders are at greater risk of drug use and addiction than others.28
This month, the Office of Consumer Affairs and Business Regulation wants consumers, especially millennials, currently addicted to vape pens and e-cigarettes to take their own personal savings challenge and to get addicted to saving instead.
Smart spending habits are best learned at a young age and students and young consumers should carefully consider how they can put their hard earned money toward their financial goals. For more information on learning smart financial habits, visit
Now, in the midst of a pandemic that risks pitching millions more into substance abuse, she is raising the 6-month-old child of one drug-addicted family member while struggling to find treatment for another.
One of the best features of modern gadgets like the Note20 Ultra is converting my squiggly, messy handwriting into typed text, a trick I first got addicted to when I was trying the Google Pixel Slate two years ago.
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