a request for sharing

[Peggy Archuleta]

Dear Friends,

I hope you are all well and prospering.  The Need of the Day (week, month etc.) was put on hold this month, and yet I imagine that many of us continue to tune in to feelings and needs.

There are some exciting things going on out there, and it would be very inspiring to hear about them!  In fact, at the beginning of this month I intended to put a request out there for anyone who has the time or inclination to share any NVC success at all, no matter how “large or small.” 

It seems that my successes are mainly the lessons I have learned from what some might call failures.  I’ve taken to heart what a wise person once said, “[We can] honor the lesson without judging the process that provided it.”  I like that a lot.  Today I dedicated my attention to my husband and son and purposefully put away my always-present book so I could be fully present with them.  That has probably been my greatest success recently. 

What about some of you?  Would you be willing to tell us about the classes you have taught or are currently teaching?  What rich experiences have you had?  I would really love to hear about them!

Thinking of you all fondly,

Peggy

[MarilynMullen]

dear peggy and dear IIT friends,

thank you for the question, peggy, and for your sharing ~ rich for me!  i'm smiling with a bit of shared reality, as recently i have chosen to take breaks from my desk a few times, when i hear my husband or step-daughter in the iiving room or kitchen, just to be there too and thus available for a moment of connection.  sweet.  

just this morning i listened to arianna huffington's interview on the california commonwealth club, featuring her new book, THRIVE.  the final audience question was a request to describe in 60 seconds or less the key component to creating the changes we want to see in the world.  arianna's response?  self-compassion.

thanks to my practice group's poignant request for on-going support connecting with themselves compassionately, i have been immersing myself in all the nvc recordings on the subject i'd purchased for "someday when i have time."  amazing to see how all the areas i myself am wanting  growth in (e.g. presence, enemy images, etc.) is happening naturally in little baby steps as i experience so many little moments of "heart broken open" from this immersion.

so i think arianna nailed it.  (highly recommend the interview :)

in this love,

marilyn

  

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

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[Alan Seid]

Hi Peggy!

Hi Albuquerque IIT friends!

I’m at another IIT in Santa Barbara which starts tonight.

Next month Helene is bringing me out to Minnesota to offer a weekend of training out there.

Two of the biggest areas of NVC challenge and learning for me have been in parenting and with my spouse! It’s humbling to encounter my own limitations. And it’s rewarding when I can help my daughters hear each other. And it’s liberating to go outside the box of old stories (personal and cultural) about what relationships “are supposed to” look like.

I would love to write more and I’m also meeting the training team for breakfast in ten minutes and have many emails to handle in that time.

I cherished our time together and miss all of you!

~Alan

[Bruce Campbell]

Alan,

It is always good to hear a few words from you and I am happy to know about your activities and that you will be maintaining contact with Helene.

Sophia and I have just finished the spring term of teaching NVC and we are looking forward to a new phase, perhaps working in conjunction with some family therapists here in town to teach NVC skills to couples who are coming out of therapy. 

Warm wishes,

Bruce

[Susan Kaplan]

Good day -

I am thinking of our time together last year and how sweet it was.  Peggy I appreciate the invitation for reflection.

My learning has been on so many levels!

In my Communication as a Spiritual Practice class, I was so excited to have 11 weeks  (1.5 to 2 hours each week)!  The first class was Divine Sparks.  I am now on my second 11 week course:  Engaged Compassion.  One surprise has been that  people remark that they learn more in watching me live NVC as they do with the exercises.  

Also I am learning how to best hold the wide differences of growth in the class - with some wanting to go deeper and others are still trying to apply what we have been working with.  I am inspired by an 82 year old woman who wants to improve her relationship with her two sons!  So I gave a range of homefun suggestions for each person to consider.  Those who want more really appreciate the variety of journaling and other suggestions I give, while the others are glad to just focus on one specific area (i.e. practicing the specific skill we practiced that day).

A big ah-ha learning is to slow down and really let them experience more fully each exercise.  Sometimes I move on before our debrief reaches the depth that is so lovely.   Lately I am taking more time for questions at the beginning of class and more time for each debrief.  (The agenda is check in, sharing on what they have practiced that week,  presenting a spiritual concept that connects with the NVC consciousness and skill, an exercise & debrief and end with a debrief of the whole session.   Now I feel the importance of the debriefs - allowing the questions and experiences to teach each other - including myself.

I find that if I am open and learn from them, that there is a sweet spot of exchange which I so enjoy!

In my Social Work class, ( an one credit introduction course)  I was nervous if there would be enough people to validate the class in the admin's eyes.  Celebration is that I have 20 people and there are 6 on the waiting list!  

I am learning how to invite those, who often view their role to change, fix and save others, into a partnership paradigm.  One woman shared that the hard part of the domination and partnership models, is that she would have to give up her power in a partnership paradigm.  It was a thought-provoking exchange that allowed everyone to drop into what was real for their life and what questions NVC brings up for each person.

My biggest challenge and learning are two women who challenge every single concept.  "I just can't believe this really works - it just creates more anger on the part of the person I am trying to talk with!"

I love this exchange, as I find that the people I experience as "the most difficult" are those that I learn so much from - about myself and in how to stay in connection with them.  So I am exploring different strategies after giving empathy....and feel that stretch point of my own learning edge right now.  Trying to understand what need is being met or not met by these exchanges that keep coming up.

In my personal life, my son is marrying someone who I am struggling with finding an authentic connection with.  Lots of self-empathy and empathy with my son and future daughter in law. I noticed that I was not getting to a request when I was expressing myself.  So finally tonight I actually did make a request.  It created a meaningful conversation between us and I am so

grateful for the clarity we had in our sharing.  

These big triggers are slow to work with and I am so glad that NVC allows me the tools and pathway to walk these challenging areas of my life!

Thanks for reading all of this.  I was so excited to read everyone else's contribution, as I so value and learn from your experiences!   This is also healing for me to share some of the questions I am holding as I learn to live into this work in a deeper way.  Creates a sense of peace inside of me.

Much gratitude to you all!

Much love to you.

In peace,

Susan Kaplan, M.S.W., M.P.A., R.Y.T.

Listening & Leading From Within® ~

Trainer, Facilitator, Coach, Yoga Teacher, Storyteller & Story Listener®

Courage & Renewal Facilitator®

Candidate for Certified Trainer, Center for Nonviolent Communication

Accredited Facilitator, Rocky Mountain Center for Compassionate Communication

Storyteller & Story Listener®

Yoga Teacher

(303) 871-8469

P.O. Box 102379, Denver, CO   80250-2379

kap...@earthlink.net

www.susankaplanmsw.com

[Amy Vossen Vukelic]

I am so enjoying this thread. Peggy, thanks for asking the question and getting this stream started.

 

 

Bruce and Sophia, how exciting to hear that you have finished a 'spring" offering...which means that you had a 'fall" session. Thanks for sharing your ideas.

 

Susan, i appreciate hearing your story, challenges, and methods about your sessions. And HOW EXCITING about the 20 students who wisely registered for your NVC course. Wow!!  I also appreciate and will use your "homefun" term. Practice is fun!!

 

Peggy and Alan, i find i get my best practice here at home in this laboratory of Real Life with people who communicate outside of the NVC intention. My belief, however, is that "bidden or not," NVC is present. :) The exchanges i hold with my family are so different when i acknowledge the need for compassion, honesty, empathy, and self-empathy.

 

Marilyn, your trainings offer me motivation and inspiration.

 

In the past year, I have offered two different trainings. One, before my November retreat with Robert Gonzales. In that one, I struggled for experiential exercises that would help capture the spirit of NVC in three introductory sessions. I talked more than I did in the session i offered after the November week. I enjoyed Robert's exercises, as well as the NVC Facilitator's Toolkit that I purchased while in Columbus. That book's style and offerings match my style, and give me a variety of practices. I also appreciate the online handouts, because I can email them to people who are unable to make the session.

 

In that second session, offered for three weeks in January, we had 16 people attend. All new to NVC. In those three weeks, I watched as people realized that compassionate communication is indeed a paradigm shift. We followed a similar format to Susan's: check-in, one way they had practiced/felt/remembered NVC that week, an intro to evening's topic, and closing. Debriefing took a lot of time as people navigated the shift. I found myself reminding them, after listening at check-in to sentences such as "I should have been able to get that after last week," and "i really need to be better at that!", that NVC is a language. Just as we cannot expect to become fluent in French, for instance, after 3 1 1/2 hour sessions, we cannot expect ourselves to become fluent in NVC in the same time frame.

 

At the end of the third session, I felt excited, humbled, and grateful when 8 of the 16 asked if i would be willing to extend this session. We agreed to meet twice a month through June, and 6-10 people attend each time. We agree on the topic for the next session. I send one email between sessions illuminating a piece of NVC. 2- or 3 people have also begun to share tidbits, questions, and stories.

 

One person from the January session asked if i would work with her 1:1, so we are meeting every two weeks.

 

In my work for restorative justice, I have been in conversation with community organizers, people who work with youth, and an agency that is opening a transitional women's home for those who are homeless: all asking me to offer an introductory session to staff, so they can see if and where nvc could be implemented. Very exciting to be gaining some company here in Buffalo, where the Alternatives to Violence model is most recognized and trained on.

 

My challenges: getting everything in during 1 1/2 hours. We usually go to 2 (having already gotten that flexibility ahead of time), because debriefing does take a valuable chunk of time. Susan, i agree....so much learning happens during that time. Thanks to those 1:1 sessions at the iit, i have also felt inspired to hold a few when experiencing nvc giraffe language would be more helpful than talking about "what i would do." The IIT keeps on giving.

 

okay...whew!! I wrote more than intended. This stuff and connection with all of you gets me fired up!!

 

peace to each of you, in the way that speaks to you.

much love,

amy

[Bruce Campbell]

Hi Susan, Peggy, Marilyn and everyone,

Susan, I loved the wisdom of your experience.  Especially the counsel to go more slowly and to be sure the full depth of harvesting is achieved.  Sophia and I reworked our whole course this year to be much more oriented toward exercises, and I think we could also move more slowly and be sure the meaning is absorbed.  I also found the idea of giving a practice to do each week to be something I want to try.

And Marilyn, I feel the excitement of your reaching out into your community and savoring the connections that you have developed with your husband and step-daughter.

Warm wishes to all,

Bruce

[Susan Kaplan]

Hi everyone -

I am so treasuring this conversation!  Since I don't make time to regularly engage, I am delighted when a conversation is kept going.  Thanks Peggy and everyone else.  I love learning from your experience and sharing the richness of growing into this work.

I notice as I read your posts that I long to just sit in your class or by your side and be with you!

Be well and may your spring bring you new, unexpected  growth.