Funnies

[Alan Staton]

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness and
I said,

"No, we all seem to enjoy it."

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, Close enough."

I am a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same
time! Retirement to do list: Wake up.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the
point. The glass is refillable.

I do not have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I do not trip, I do random gravity checks.

One minute you are young and fun. Next, you are turning down the car
stereo to see better.

Common sense is not a gift. It is a punishment because you must deal
with everyone who does not have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on
the way back.

If you cannot think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."
That way people will think you are bilingual instead of an idiot. This
is a good idea. Think I’ll try it.

I am at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it is because I missed
my exit.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or
talented….....I forgot where I was going with this.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you must put on clothes and
leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter either.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to
slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg
through my underwear without losing my balance.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there is a lot more
information in our heads.