December 6th Jokes-N-Toons

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	December 6th, 2010
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Joe Smith A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt." "Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed In 1369." The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?" The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth." The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 old ex sailor and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds." gourmet brownies and cakes What Hollywood Has Taught Us * At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. * Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. * All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. * Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. * All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. * It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. * You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. * A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. * If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. * If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. * Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. * All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. * A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. * Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their polar opposite.	Please Visit our Sponsors

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." Save up to 80% on Refurbished HP, Toshiba, Gateway, Dell & Acer Notebooks at RefurbDepot.com! This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh.the man says: "Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!" The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!!" "Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up. "That's nothing!!" "But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table" and the spider easily picks up the table. The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!! The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it. The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of wussies, scared of a little spider!!!!"