November 24th Jokes-N-Toons

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	November 24th, 2010
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Sexy secretary A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for several hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits" Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning" The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost". Subscribe to Jokes-N-Toons A few adult jokes(3 or 4), few adult cartoons (3 or 4), a few times (3 or 4) a week. Enter your email address here to subscribe:

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless man the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother." Stan Visit DTYdirect.com for all your Tailgating needs! Go Team! In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Calgary, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over- populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration is checking the working visas of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Revenue Canada, seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." Click here to get Stolen Jokes everyday in your email Share us with a friend... http://www.stolen-jokes.com/sj_subscribe.html Must be 18 or older to join	Please Visit our Sponsors

An old man was sitting with his 25 year old son in the train. The train was about to leave the station. All passengers are settling down in their seat. As the train started, the young man was filled with lots of joy and curiosity. He was sitting on the window side. He put out one hand and feeling the passing air, he shouted, "Papa see all the trees are going behind." The old man smiled and admired his sons' feelings. Beside the young man was one couple, sitting and listening to all the conversation between father and son. They were little awkward with the attitude of the twenty-five-year-old behaving like a small child. Suddenly the young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train." The couple was watching the young man embarrassingly. Now it started raining and some of the water drops touched the young man's hand. He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes. He shouted again, "Papa it's raining! The water is touching me, see papa?" The couple couldn't help themselves and asked the old man. "Why don't you visit the doctor and get treatment for your son?" The old man said, "Yes, We are coming from the hospital today; my son got his eyesight for first time in his life." Visit DTYdirect.com for all your Tailgating needs! Go Team! Todd was delivering a pizza in New York. He got out of his car, went to the door, and was greeted by a attractive young Jill with orange hair. Instead of wanting to pay, Jill suggested that they have sex in exchange for the pizza. Todd politely declined. That didn't stop old Orange Hair, though. She started touching Todd, running her hands over him while she tried to talk him into having sex with her. Finally, Jill grabbed his crotch. So, Todd backed away and started back down to the walk to his car. She was all over him. He broke into a run and climbed back into his delivery car. Started to pull away. Forgot he had the back window down, though. Jill was climbing in the car. She got her hands all over him again, touching, fondling, grabbing his crotch again. What saved him was a neighbour, Phil who happened to be looking out the window. He saw the whole thing and called the police - - who eventually arrived and broke it all up. Oh, and why was Phil looking out the window? He was waiting for a pizza to be delivered. Todd had gone to the wrong house.