December 13th Jokes-N-Toons

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	Welcome to Jokes -N- Toons
	December 13th, 2010
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A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!" Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replied the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet. The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'." Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I want to wait till we've get to Duluth." The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena, there's a nice motel, how about we've consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I want to wait till we've get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I think we've should go back into the woods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier we've were next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, we've were by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here we've vent out into the grassy woods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I was listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season would be over."

Bad Marketing Translations 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant" 12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish. 13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. 14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." 15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." 16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. 17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. 18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. Alford & Hoff Skin Care - Award winning skin care products. Free shipping and samples. These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I was almost married." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married. "Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching his back and I told her that when we are married, she can do that for me. And then she threw the ring in my face." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "Well, I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog, he was licking his balls!"	Please Visit our Sponsors

A lady walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni." So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?" She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn." The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here: Number 1: It's martini, not martooni. Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray." Take $15 off your $75 order at NunnBush.com! Use code: Link15 Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man. "So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?" "I got her the Mercedes and the diamond ring," says the rich man. The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?" The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?" The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo." Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items. The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!" It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.