December 22nd Jokes-N-Toons
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jo...@stolen-jokes.com
Dec 22, 2010, 2:05:58 AM12/22/10
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December 22nd, 2010 |
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| A man showed up at M & T
Stadium in Baltimore with a chimpanzee in tow. It was named Douglas,
and was dressed up in a MacArthur costume complete with the crushed cap,
aviator sunglasses, and corncob pipe and well worn, pressed khakis.
Everyone remarked on how cute he was. The man and his chimp took their seats in the Army rooting section. It was well before kickoff - in fact well before the march-ons by both academies. After the march-ons the teams came onto the field to do their warm-ups and exercises. At that point the chimp leapt out onto the field and began returning practice punts. He retrieved some errant passes thrown by the Army quarterbacks. He ran over and picked up some mule poop. A busy chimp indeed. After the teams retired to their locker rooms to complete their pre- game rituals, they again took the field. The chimp led the Army team out with a series of cartwheels and back flips, never losing his cap or corncob pipe while doing so. He returned to his seat for the playing of the National Anthem. Everyone in his section remarked on what a well-trained chimp he was. Of course he saluted (and covered his ears when the Navy jets performed their salute. The game started. The chimp was in a near-delirious state as Army drove down the filed. However he almost fainted when they missed a field goal, wide right. Army later kicked a field goal and the chimp went bananas. Cartwheels, push-ups, handstands, name it; he did them all.  Unfortunately that was all the scoring Army could come up with. The neighbors in the stands, very impressed, asked what the chimp did when Army wins the game. "I don't really know', the man said. "He's only six and a half years old!"
Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Two fifth grade boys were the last people in their school's gymnasium building late one afternoon. Since there was no one else around, they thought they would catch a thrill by showering in the girls' showers. Tiptoeing in and making sure no one else was there, they stripped down and got under the showers. They then realized there was no soap. "Do you see any soap?" one asked. "I don't," his friend came back. "I'll get some from the boys' room," he added. Since there was no one else around, he didn't bother to dress as he ran across to the boys' locker room where he retrieved two bars of soap. He also took a bottle of baby powder he figured they could use. Walking back to the girls' locker room, he heard giggling. It got closer. Girls were coming! And there was no place to hide in the hallway! In desperation, he sprinkled baby powder all over himself and stood against a wall perfectly still like he was a statue. The three girls walked up to him and commented on how life-like he looked. "But what kind of a statue is this?" one asked. She pulled on his manhood. Surprised, but still standing perfectly still, the boy dropped one of the bars of soap he was holding. "It's a soap dispenser!" she squealed. The second girl pulled on his manhood as well. Surprised it happened again, the boy dropped the other bar of soap he was holding. She giggled. "I want to try it too!" the third girl said. She pulled on his manhood. Nothing. She pulled it again. Nothing. She then pulled it several more times. "Oh, look!" she finally said after a few more tugs. "Hand lotion too!" Stan  
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| Wooden One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" and Pinocchio replied: "Girls? Who needs girls?!!!?!" Again, Where Do You Live? You live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from `round here, are ya?" 3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"  You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. HO HO HO 
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| Things Not To Say When Hanging
The Lights Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one
of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
(Page Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching
your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these
things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not
To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree. -- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..." --"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try." --"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?" --"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker." --"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father." --"Give me that." --"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."  --"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, dammit." --"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?" --"Have you been drinking?" --"Where's the cat?" Aussie Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls" Q: Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months. A: Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash. Q: Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her. A: No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene. Q: Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate. A: Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok. Q: Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls. A: Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey. Q:.Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex. A: Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ? Q: Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to. A: Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out. Q: Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay. A: Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick. Q: Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ? A: Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi. Q: Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ? A: There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard. It is time for me to hang it up.Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs. 
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