December 27th Jokes-N-Toons

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	December 27th, 2010
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A zero walked into a bar one day and went right up to the counter and asked the bartender for a whiskey sour. "I want a whiskey sour, please," said the zero. The bartender replied, "Look, buddy, we don't serve zeros in this bar, so either get out or I'm going to kick you out." The zero got angry and shouted, "I WANT A WHISKEY SOUR, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!" banging the counter top for emphasis and dramatic effect. The bartender, thinking it more like comic relief, retorted, "I told you, no zeros in this bar. NOW GET OUT OF HERE OR ELSE!!" The zero promptly left the bar. On the way out, he noticed headlines about a local university professor doing all kinds of experiments with the effects of atomic rays on growth and metabolism. The zero headed to see the Prof, and got accepted as a subject in a series of experiments with alpha, beta, and gamma rays. Two days later, now a huge, strong, powerful zero glowing, a bright electric blue, he wandered by the bar again. He decided to go back in for a drink. He went straight up to the bar and asked, "I'd like a whiskey sour, please." The bartender did a double take, and said, "Hey, aren't you the zero that came in just a couple days ago?" And the zero said: "No, I'm Alpha-rayed Naught." Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate. This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued. Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands. "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre'd. "Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."

I was a carpet cleaner for 15 years. One day I was called to clean the carpets of a drug treatment center... The supervisor led me around, showing me all the nooks and crannies of the really old building... As I followed him, noticing all the stained glass, he told me that this building had once been a nunnery. The building was old but it looked in good repair, so I asked, "What happened? Why is it no longer a nunnery?" He went on to tell me that all the nuns had taken a vow of poverty, and lived their lives eating with wooden spoons, cooking with rusted pots and their clothes were so old that they were falling apart at the seams. So, the church was very proud to have such dedicated servants, but ashamed to let the general public see the nuns in such terrible looking clothes, so the church disbanded the sanctuary, and sold the building to the state, to run this recovery center. "Wow" I said, "so let me get this right. They closed down a nunnery, and built a drug treatment center, all because the nuns had bad habits?" Get quality bedding products at an affordable price at SelectBedding.com! Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what the problem is, Cinders replies "The ugly sisters laughed at me because my clothes are poor and scruffy and they said I can't go to the ball" The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers.  Cinderella continues to cry and says " I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there" The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside.  Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball" Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight" Photo Christmas Cards - Shop by Collection at ChristmasCardsDirect.com Three Holy Men and a Bear A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." Joe	Please Visit our Sponsors

Tattoed dick There's this guy who loves his girlfriend so much he decides to have her name tattooed on his dick. It said "WY" when it was soft, and "Wendy" when it was hard. A few months later the couple get married. For their honeymoon they take a trip to a Caribbean island resort. Once there, they decide to go to a nude beach. While strolling on the beach, the guy sees a local man with the letters "WY" on his dick too. The tourist walks up to the local, points at tattoo on his unit and asks, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?" The man says with a thick Island accent, "No mon, mine says, 'Welcome To The Island, Have A Nice Day'." Wholesale School Supplies at DollarDays.com! Jacob  is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have  survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only  remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years  without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million,  and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story. Jacob tells  him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp,  this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to  donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon  Wiesenthal Center, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital  and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating  $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party." The journalist is surprised.  "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after  everything that's happened to you and your family?" Jacob rolls up his  sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, '"It's only fair. They gave me  the winning  numbers." It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.