December 8th Jokes-N-Toons

[jo...@stolen-jokes.com]

	Welcome to Jokes -N- Toons
	December 8th, 2010
For a list of all Jokes-N-Toons sponsors click HERE or copy/paste http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser. Click here for Random Cartoons Archive list of old Jokes-N-Toons pages

Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... 7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!) 8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car) 9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. 11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh 12. Don't worry! That one is always on E... 13. Get the parachutes ready... 14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having... 15. Hey capt'n take another hit man.. Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser A city-dweller who recently relocated to a rural area by was Surveying his new surroundings. As he walked along a graveled lane he Couldn't help but notice a pig on a nearby farmhouse porch. Stretched out On a chaise lounge as big as you please, it was making itself right at home. As he stopped to take it in, he noticed that the pig had one leg missing, Replaced by a tiny wooden one. "Don't stare at my pig that way... You'll make him self-conscious!" yelled An angry farmer from the window. "I'm sorry but I'm from the city and I don't see many pigs and I have to say That I've never seen a pig with a wooden leg before," explained the visitor. "That's a real special pig we got there... Saved my life." The farmer Continued, "Why last season I was plowin' out in the back forty, when my Tractor turned over on me and pinned me underneath. That pig sensed trouble And broke out of its pen. It come a runnin' across the way and come right Up and started a 'rootin' all around me 'till he could pull me out by my Collar... Yep, that's a real special pig. We just kinda let him have the Run of the place since then." "Good thing too," he went on. "Just last month, that pig smelled smoke in The middle of the night and a started tappin' on our bedroom door...woke us Up and saved the whole family this time! That pig is somethin' else." "I can understand that," said the city slicker. "But that doesn't explain Why he has a wooden leg..." "Well, if you had a pig that special, you wouldn't want to eat 'em all at once!"

Wedding Telegrams.................. The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight. Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments. "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted. Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years. Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door. Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk. If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air. Go for it mate. We all did! All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids. She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her. Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring. Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route. Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant. Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it. Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population. Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off. Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500. MyWinesDirect.com - Excellent Wines, Great Values and ALWAYS $0 Shipping! Three Nuns in Heaven Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! " Flag T Shirts - Free Shipping On 2 Shirts or More Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Shit Are you tired of those sissy `friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT. 5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words. 7. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up. 9. This is my oath ... I pledge it to the end. `Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to 10 of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.	Please Visit our Sponsors

My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired. Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned. We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit. I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO?" I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this?" "You'll think of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do". "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom" "But..." I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye" She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had no idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could. As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said "Yes." They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea. One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring and became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs. His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament. Finally, he spoke. "What the Hell is that?" he said. I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot. I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing. It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.