December 29th Jokes-N-Toons

[jo...@stolen-jokes.com]

	Welcome to Jokes -N- Toons
	December 29th, 2010
For a list of all Jokes-N-Toons sponsors click HERE or copy/paste http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser. Click here for Random Cartoons Archive list of old Jokes-N-Toons pages

Parrot A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly." Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!" She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know." Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Turtle Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener." "I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. 'I thought you packed it." Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. "Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass and the two are near starvation. Near death, the two turtles weakly lift the lid to get a sandwich. As they open their mouths to eat, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that, I'm not going!"

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public ... looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" asks the counselor "With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'" International Jock: Fashion Underwear A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms! Two Commander Armchair in Blue with Black Accents for the price of one! A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags , those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!!!	Please Visit our Sponsors

A good friend of mine was involved in a terrible automobile accident and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon came in to see him and announced,. "I have some bad news, I have to remove your right arm. My friend, was distraught as you can imagine. He had a reputation in the state as one of it's leading amateur golfers, and had used the sport to meet people and advance his business connections very sucessfully, "Oh God no!" he cried. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, is there any good news?" The doctor advised, "We think we may have a suitable replacement on hand almost immediately, however it's from a female donor and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant. We feel it will be 90% functional if we proceed without delay and because of your small physical stature will be functionally and cosmetically acceptable after therapy. My friend, thought briefly, but there was really no option so he looked at me, shrugged at the futility of a decision, shook his head positively and said, "Well OK Doc , let's go for it as long as you promise me I can play golf again." The operation went well and this spring almost a year later he and I were out on the golf course enjoying our favorite pastime when we bumped into the surgeon that had re-attached the limb. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asked the surgeon. "Just fine" gratefully responded my golfing buddy. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.""Well that's just great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued my friend, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." laughing, as he teased the obviously delighted doctor "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," responded my friend, waiting a second and assuming a serious demeanor, "every time I get the least bit horny, I also get a headache." 10% off on orders over $100 with the code B9NQ-D9DU-40SM, expire on December 31st, 2010. Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY ... during the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so! Bottom line ... we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency ... the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember. Ready??? It was very simple and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate... The `Department of Energy' was instituted on 8-04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL Hey, pretty efficient, huh??? And now it's 2009, 32 years later ... And the budget for this necessary department is at $24.2 billion a year it has 16,000 federal employees and approximately 100,000 contract employees. And look at the job it has done! This is where you slap your forehead and say, "What was I thinking?" Ah, yes, good old bureaucracy... And now - we are going to turn the banking system, health care and the auto industry over to government? May god help us!!! It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.