November 26th Jokes-N-Toons

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	November 26th, 2010
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Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were sitting at the bar, drinking in silence. Suddenly, Hillary turns and without warning, cold cocks Obama, knocking him off his barstool. After a moment Obama regains enough of his senses to say "What the hell did you do that for?" Clinton replies "That was for destroying the World Trade Centers!" Barack responds "I didn't destroy the World Trade Centers. That was Osama Bin Laden." Clinton answers "Osama, Obama - same damn thing." Obama shakes his head, climbs back onto his stool and continues with his drinking. Several minutes later, he turns to Clinton and without warning, cold cocks her and knocks her to the floor. Getting to her knees and shaking her head to clear it, she demands "What the hell did you do that for?" Obama responds "That was for lying to the Grand Jury, obstructing justice and for disgracing our country and the Office of the President." Clinton answers "I didn't do any of that, it was my husband Bill Clinton." Barack responds "Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton - same damn thing." Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Wisdom from Grandpa - Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. - Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar. - Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. - When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. - If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. - On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present. - A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." - The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up. - Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it. - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. - How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra. - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. - Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. - Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. Subscribe to Jokes-N-Toons A few adult jokes(3 or 4), few adult cartoons (3 or 4), a few times (3 or 4) a week. Enter your email address here to subscribe:

Just after dinner one night, my son came running to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he has in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick. can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him upstairs into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on it's back, looking stressed. I immediately Knew what to do. "Honey" I called, "Come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "How can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage" she inquired. Actually I think she said this sarcastically! "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed meagain with sarcasm. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged deciding to make the best of it "Kids this is going to be a wondrous experience" I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh gross!" they shrieked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's a breech," my wife whispered horrified. '"Do something dad" my son urged. "Okay, okay." squeamishly. I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several times more with the same results. "Should I call 911" my eldest daughter wanted to know." Maybe they could talk you through the trauma." You see a pattern here with the females in my house?" "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment." I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked, "Oh perfectly," the vet assured us, "This lizard is not in labour, in fact that isn't ever going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see Ernie is a young male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well you know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron We were silent absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just.... just excited," my wife offered. "Exactly" the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence, then my cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on it's...... it's teeny weeney little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough" I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done dad" he told me. "Oh you have NO idea" I closed my mouth, my wife agreed collapsing with laughter.                                                            2 lizards . . . . . . $140                                                            1 cage . . . . . .  . $  50                                                           Trip to the vet . . . $  30   Memory of my husband pulling on a Lizard's winkie . . . . . . . Priceless. Moral of the story - finish biology class - Lizards lay eggs. Spend more than $85 and Fedex 2Day Shipping is FREE to US and Canadian customers. Code: FREESHIP85 Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come". Click here to get Stolen Jokes everyday in your email Share us with a friend... http://www.stolen-jokes.com/sj_subscribe.html Must be 18 or older to join	Please Visit our Sponsors

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? 1. The things housed by a bra give out a single type of output, the things housed by panties give two different types of outputs 2. In the product evolution history, the bra was initially formed by a single piece of fabric (a kerchief, actually. In India - a kanchuki), while panties were initially formed by two different pieces of fabric joined by a string. 3. the two breasts are basically the same stuff - simply mirror images. The nether regions housed by panties are of course not mirror images or something - they are different organs. 4. a bra can be rightfully worn by ONE single gender - the ladies. A panty can be worn by BOTH genders (re: David Beckham and other such kinky characters) 5. Panties is plural simply because it is a short-form of pantaloons/pants - perhaps early panties were truncated pants/pantaloons? Now, here's a very possible explanation - hear me out :) The word brassiere is connected with "woman's underbodice," from Fr. brassière "child's blouse or shoulder strap" (17c.), from old French braciere: arm guard - from bras "an arm," from Latin brachium. So, the origin is really the arm guard, as something to brace one's shoulders - a military origin of the word. Now, the arm guard was worn by male soldiers as well as the female soldiers, correct? For the male soldiers, the arm guard was on only one side anyways - hence the singular form of the brassiere is valid here. Now comes the interesting part - the female soldiers, and their arm-guards/braces/brassiere Which is the most popular historical genre of female soldiers? The amazons, of course. What is the legend of the amazons? That they were fierce soldiers and, interestingly, had a practice of cutting off one of their breasts, so that they could draw the bow-string fully without being hampered by their breast. Obviously, their breast guard/brace/shoulder strap would be singular, since they had to brace only one breast. (did you know that the word amazon etymologically means "having only one breast" (a- "without" + mazos "breasts)? ). Ergo - the brassiere is singular, and panties are plural