December 1st Jokes-N-Toons
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Dec 1, 2010, 5:31:27 AM12/1/10
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December 1st, 2010 |
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The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg. So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a few weeks after Election Day. "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear." "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, please, I want you to come." So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do." "Her brother's a famous doctor."
Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,  'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' The 6th & Best Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' *TY,Richard*
 
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| TALES OF A GIRL SCOUT LEADER I worked at a Girl Scout camp in rural Wisconsin for one pretty miserable summer. We stayed up until 2 am trying to get things cleaned up and ready for the next day, and woke up at 5:30am for more of the same. One day the horses had gotten out of the pasture. We spent until 4am rounding them up. Just as my tired head hit the pillow in my army surplus platform tent, I heard a tiny crystal clear voice: "Wake up! There's a spider in my tent!" Masking my exasperation, I mumbled, "Is it a daddy longlegs, honey?" "Noooo...", she said in a hushed and reverant tone. So, I got my spider hunting kit- a plastic watercup and a clipboard, and followed her to her tent. For you see, I tried very hard to instill a love of even the most unfriendly looking natural beings in my campers. We were living in their backyards, and so should not fear the spiders, or the centipedes, or the bats, but love them and appreciate their place in the great mandala of life. You know, the whole Lion King deal. My standard operating proceedure for spiders was to name them, catch them under the cup, and release them to their spidery duties of catching mosquitos.  At any rate, my love for the natural world was waning as I followed this little Botticelli angel of a child through the waxing dawn. Her tent mates were crouched fearfully outside the tent as I strode confidently, bravely, tiredly up the creaky wooden steps. When the first few beams of my flashlight revealed nothing, I went back out side and told them, "The spider went home guys, he's not there anymore. You should all go to sleep now." "I don't think he'd just leave," quavered out the cherub. "So show me where he is," I said, not just a little frustrated. "I can't find him anywhere!" She took my flashlight and immediately spotted the biggest, hairiest, grossest wolf spider I'd ever seen. It was the size of my fist- easily outstripping the spider catching cups capabilities. Taking a quick breath for courage, buying time, trying to remember my love for nature and everything living, I turned to the mite and asked, "So... What's his name?" She put her chubby hands to her little hips and looked me square in the eye.... "That there is Franco the Fucking Big Spider and I want him the HELL out of my tent!" What could I do? I poked the wall of the tent until Franco got tired, flipped me the bird, and left. I had 4 little girls on the floor of my tent for a week. I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with exc ited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... Click here to get Stolen Jokes everyday in your email
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| Ole lived across river from Clarence whom he didn't like at all.
They all the time were yelling across the river at each other. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"  This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses. Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?" Ole says, "OK, by yiminy I tink I vill do yust dat". Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home. Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?" Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river" Last Second A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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