December 3rd Jokes-N-Toons

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	December 3rd, 2010
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An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the hand brake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldier's request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?" Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." Subscribe to Jokes-N-Toons A few adult jokes(3 or 4), few adult cartoons (3 or 4), a few times (3 or 4) a week. Enter your email address here to subscribe:

A man went into a garden center to buy some herbs to put in the "kitchen garden" his wife had asked him to set up. Parsley, no problem. Chives, fine, over by the onions. Mint, at least three different kinds. Rosemary, under shrubs rather than herbs, but what the heck. Dill, a few rather weedy looking specimens. In fact they had just about everything he wanted. But could he find any thymus praecox? No. He looked under herbs, and thought he saw some, but it turned out to be just an empty seed packet. He looked in the rockery section, and saw similar plants, but not the one he sought. He looked in the seed racks, and they had everything from Acaena (New Zealand Burr) to Zantedeschia aethiopica, but no Thymus praecox. He went and asked the man at the enquiry desk. "I thought I saw some last week over there by the sheds. Have you looked there?" So he went and looked over by the sheds. No Thymus praecox. He went and asked the girl at the till. "We had some in the rockery section, have you looked there?" "Yes, but there isn't any there." He asked the man wandering round watering things. "Try with the alpine plants, sir." But it wasn't among the alpines. Eventually he went and asked the assistant manager of the department. "I thought I saw some last..." At that point, the department manager piped up. "Yes, a lot of people think they see it, but there is never any there, and for a very good reason." "Why? Is there a shortage? Is it all diseased?" "Not at all sir. You are forgetting the obvious. Thyme is an illusion" -- Squiffy Get a $10 discount plus Free Shipping on orders worth $199 or more at Auto Parts Warehouse. Use this code upon checkout (TENAPW) Young couple A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!" Click here to get Stolen Jokes everyday in your email Share us with a friend... http://www.stolen-jokes.com/sj_subscribe.html Must be 18 or older to join	Please Visit our Sponsors

I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! College Dorm Bedding at BathAndBed.com A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers. The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep." The gang leader defiantly said, "F**k God." Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name." The gang leader said, "F**k God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I f**k , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single f**king law the church has ever make." The priest said, "Do you really mean that?" The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law." "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed." "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it." Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide. So go kill yourself."