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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"
She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who had done well financially in ladies' underwear, asked his father if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his declining years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all seemed to be going quite well.
Then, a few weeks later, when Sol had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel.
Sol hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one Ms. Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door.
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed, redhead!
And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm shocked! I don't know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age! Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!"
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, "Sol, what are you getting so excited for? It's not like I eat here."
It's True!
SYDNEY (Reuters) – Massive parking fines inspired one Australian man to create an iPhone app that lets users warn each other when parking officers are spotted lurking near their cars.
"The idea was pretty much born out of frustration," said Joseph Darling of "ParkPatrol," the app developed by his Sydney-based firm to help users avoid tickets that cost what he said was at least $82 Australian ($81) a shot -- and often more.
"I could show you a list of maybe 20 to 30 parking tickets that I had last year, in my town, just by being a normal driver. I must have spent thousands of dollars."
The final straw came when he was ticketed in his own neighborhood despite a parking permit that he pays hundreds of dollars for each year.
The app lets users "sign in" and report sightings of parking officers with a single push of a button. Cartoon faces wearing a police cap then appear plotted on a map of the area, along with a notice thanking them.
The app will also alert users if a parking officer is spotted in their area and how close. Notification options for 500 meters (1,640 ft), 200 meters and 100 meters are available.
The free app is available in English, German, Spanish, Portuguese and French. Roughly 80 percent of users are in Australia, but it is also used in England, Spain, France and Germany, Darling said.
"With an active community, it's pretty accurate. We reckon around 90 percent," he added.
Future versions, currently being finished, will include an alert function for when parking time has expired. The company is also finalizing an Android version.
Next on the drawing board? A similar app that allows women to report sightings of handsome men.
Source: news.yahoo.com
Here's Your Sign!
by Bill Engvall
To tell you the truth, I really hate Barbie dolls. They're just too fluffy and frilly for my taste. I think they ought to come out with a more realistic Barbie doll. Why isn't there a "White Trash Barbie"?
This is Barbie in her later years. The modeling career is over, and Barbie and Ken live in a Barbie double-wide. They could call it the "Dream Trailer." That Corvette would be on blocks in the front yard with the fenders mashed in and the back window shot out.
Of course, Ken would have a big old beer belly, wear dirty white T-shirts, and spend a lot of time scratching himself and belching.
"What's for supper tonight, Barbie?"
Barbie'd stick her head out the screen door, hair in curlers, and say, "Fish sticks."
Ken would probably grin and say, "Fish sticks? What? Is it our anniversary again?"
And imagine all the accessories you'd have to go along with White Trash Barbie. You could have a little police car that would pull up in front of the mobile home from time to time because Ken go drunk and started yelling at Barbie.
Then, the cops could lead Ken off in some little Ken-cuffs. Meanwhile, Ken would still be yelling at Barbie, "I know you slept with G.I. Joe! I know you did!"
And Barbie would be crying, sitting on the wooden steps, "Oh, don't take him away. I love him. He didn't mean it, I know he didn't."
A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says; "Your dog is in heat".
The redneck cowboy answers; "No way the dogs in heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree".
The policeman says; "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".
The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".
The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex".
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog".
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down..
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River
What is a rhetorical question?
A rhetorical question is a figure of speech in the form of a question posed for its persuasive effect without the expectation of a reply (e.g.: "Why me?") Rhetorical questions encourage the listener to think about what the (often obvious) answer to the question must be. When a speaker states, "How much longer must our people endure this injustice?", no formal answer is expected. Rather, it is a device used by the speaker to assert or deny something.
Source: Wikipedia
Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)
One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.
The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.
The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty
poll, breaking both of his legs.
After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."
The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"
"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," replies the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the priest again.
"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the putt, didn't you?" sighs the priest.
Why can't they make highways last forever?
Uh, yeah. It's called reality. Eliminate that and you've got the problem licked. Since you seem like the can-do type, Dan, we'll put you in charge of highway maintenance and see how well you manage. Here's a rundown on the challenges you'll face.
Weather.
Traffic.
Trucks are particularly problematic.
Money.
How do they manage it? Although European highway designers use a variety of advanced techniques, two things stand out: thicker, more durable roadbeds and greater reliance on concrete.
The two main paving materials are concrete and asphalt. Concrete is strong and durable, but building roads out of it is complex, expensive, and slow — you need a lot of rebar, the concrete has to cure, etc. Concrete roads also tend to be noisy, and slick when wet (although that can be remedied), and when they do eventually fail, they're a pain to repair.
Asphalt, by comparison, is cheap, forgiving, and fast. True, it tends to fall apart quickly, but you can easily patch it till things have really gone to the dogs, at which point you just resurface the whole road. You can spread and roll the paving in the morning and drive on it in the afternoon, minimizing complaints by impatient motorists. The drawback is that you have to do this every few years, leaving everybody cumulatively more pissed off.
Source: The Straight Dope
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