December 31st Jokes-N-Toons

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	Welcome to Jokes -N- Toons
	December 31st, 2010
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The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.  As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.  "Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class." After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar.  Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment.  "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?" "As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback.  "Come up to my place and I'll show you." When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen.  Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face. "For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back." Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.  It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.  She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.  She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.  The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.  And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead.  What did you buy?

Wal-Mart vs. The Morons 1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day. 2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute! 3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year. 4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined. 5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English. 6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world. 7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years. 8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy. 9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world. 10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 2,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago. 11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.) 12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart. 13. Wal-Mart has gross sales that total more than the total revenue of all the countries in the world, except 6. You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy. This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!! To the President and all 535 voting members of the Legislature, both parties.  It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons: a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke. b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke. c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke. d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more. e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke. f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke. g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.   You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars. And you want Americans to believe you can be trusted with a government-run health care system? You think you can run the auto industry ... The banking system?   Maybe we ought to kick your egg-head buddy bums out of office and hire Wal-Mart to run the government? Wal-Mart seems to know how to run a business ... why don't you guys just admit it's way beyond your pay grade, and quit?   "You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out." gourmet brownies and cakes It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks" What are you doing?" I'm leaving you, " she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for.  It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere" "Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She looks at him, turns, whips out her tampon and says " I'll pay you back in monthly installments."	Please Visit our Sponsors

Welfare Applications For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. - I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. - I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? - I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? - I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. - This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. - I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. - In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. - Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. - I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. - In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. All Natural Erectile Dysfunction Pills. An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna, British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 Who Does Not Know Who He Is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*ck You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years. This will be the last regular issue. I may from time-to-time update you on the IP address of JNT and SJ so you can go online to view any updates. Thanks for your patronage.