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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave is from...
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny li ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. - My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
- The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
- My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
- My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
- I had no control over the drooling.
- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.
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God's Problem Now.
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.’
TRIVIA
To the wonderful person who called me a moron for not checking the trivia screw up last week, I say Thank You. Anyone have a comment they'd like to add? (Mail to sjin...@mediacombb.net) If you expect me to get everything right I suggest you unsubscribe yourself, then start your own list and do it better.
The letter "W" is the only letter in the alphabet that doesn't have just one syllable – it has three.
Why are there twenty-one guns in a salute for an arriving president?
The tradition has its roots in ancient history and, in our modern United States, it is now a matter of official protocol. A 21-gun salute is issued not just when a president arrives, but it is also done to honor a national flag, the sovereign or chief of state of a foreign nation, a member of a reigning royal family, the ex-president, and the president-elect of the United States. It is also fired at noon of the day of the funeral of a president, ex-president, or president-elect. The origin of salutes with weapons is as old as war. Early warriors demonstrated that their intentions were peaceful by placing their weapons in positions that rendered them harmless. While the weapons have changed over the centuries, the idea is the same. One can't very well shoot someone with guns pointing in the air. As for the number of shots and guns, that's had its own evolution. Once a salute consisted only of one cannon shot. When firearms and the availability of gunpowder improved, the custom became to use three shots, and eventually, seven guns. It is believed that the number three was significant in some ancient cultures, and the number 7 had importance in the Bible (it is the number of completion) and astrology. In 1842, the Presidential salute was formally established at 21 guns, while prior to that it had been equal to the number of states. We retain the salute by number of states on Independence Day, when 50 guns are fired in ceremonies at U.S. military installations. This state salute is also used at the close of the day of the funeral of a president, ex-president, or president-elect.
Source: http://www.almanac.com
The initial origins of engagement and wedding rings are the same. The earliest uses of symbolic rings are attributed to different peoples, including the ancient Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians. Betrothal rings were meant to symbolize a woman's connection to the man who would become her husband, though the arrangement was more of a business proposition than a romantic union. Romans used iron rings to symbolize strength and permanence, and the Greeks are credited with the initial idea to wear the ring on the fourth finger of the left hand, where the "vena amoris" or vein of love was supposed to connect to the heart.
During the ninth century, Pope Nicolas I endorsed the idea of engagement rings by making a gold ring a betrothal requirement to demonstrate the groom's wealth and ability to care for a wife. In 1215, Pope Innocent III made a similar declaration though the rings could consist of different metals, including silver and iron, and the rings were meant to be worn during a longer engagement period.
Source: engagementrings.lovetoknow.com
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Michigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, don't ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Michigan's Upper Peninsula, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Soo, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.
The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know; if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Lions von da Super Bowl!
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SELLING HER BODY
Morris the agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.
He scratched his head, considered it, and then Morris asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"
"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."
Morris the agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent made love to her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1:00 am, she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My goodness Morris," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your Morris, lady," a strange voice answered. "Morris is at the door selling tickets."
Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' `em?
TRUE SOUTHERNERS
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'..." you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy , M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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