December 20th Jokes-N-Toons

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	Welcome to Jokes -N- Toons
	December 20th, 2010
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A mother and daughter loved to play around.  They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around.  Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose.  One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married.  Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin.  So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night.  The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, Mom, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!! Mother said, Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be.  Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it.  So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.  This went on for a few months.  Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole.  One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, Honey, thanks for the apple.  It tasted great!  Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, Mom, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it!  What should I do?  Will he be poisoned?  I'm scared, Mother said, Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser "The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable." Bill

Vassilation This beautiful young Polish chick walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the Polish girl. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!" Cash in with LinkShare's Affiliate Marketing Programs! When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen.." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew. NOW, I feel better - This is Anger Management at its very best.	Please Visit our Sponsors

Christmas Card from Mom Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry.  I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.  The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.  God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy.  I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.  Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.  I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.  I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.  I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.  I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.  I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.  Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom Spend more than $85 and Fedex 2Day Shipping is FREE to US and Canadian customers. Code: FREESHIP85 Wedding Text Messages  - The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.  - Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.  - "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."  - Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.  - Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.  - Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.  - Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.  - Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.  - If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.  - Go for it mate. We all did!  - All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.  - She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.  - Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an OffSpring next Spring.  - Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.  - Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.  - Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.  - Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.  - Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.  - Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500. It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.