Seeking advice regarding burial of married couple

[Sheri Gerson]

Dear all,

I am seeking advice about a question put forward to me about a Jewish burial issue.

A daughter called to inform me about plans for her mother’s burial. Her mother is currently living in a facility with 24 hour care but is reported to be close to death. The daughter described her mother as abusive both to her and to her father who died several years ago.

The daughter says that no burial plan or arrangements were made by her parents and the parents and other family members have left it to this daughter to make the decisions about care and burial plots. Because of the abusive history, the daughter (when she dies) would like to be buried next to her father, and have her mother buried in a plot close by. The daughter reports that she is uncomfortable asking this question (if it is ok that a daughter be buried next to the father, instead of his wife) of the Rabbi (the Rabbi from a modern-orthodox congregation likely to do the funeral) with fear that there is a Jewish precedent that the couple be buried next to each other no matter what the relationship was like when they were living. I have not had this question before, have encouraged this daughter to speak with the Rabbi, but she is concerned that it is an odd request that will fracture the relationship with the Rabbi. She liked the idea of me putting this question forward to the group who may have experience and wisdom to see if this has come up for others. Any suggestions?

Thank you for your help!

Sheri Mila

Olympia, Washington
and
Dumfries, Scotland

Sheri Mila Gerson, PhD
Research Associate (Wellcome Trust Project)
University of Glasgow, Dumfries Campus
School of Interdisciplinary Studies
End of Life Studies Research Group
Rutherford/McCowan Building
Bankend Road
Dumfries DG1 4ZL
Scotland, UK

UK Mobile: +44 (0) 7484 213306
Skype: sherimila

[Barbara Kavadias]

I think it really depends on the policies of the cemetery. For example, our modern Orthodox cemetery only allows spouses to be buried next to each other and if the surviving spouse does not buy the plot next to them, the met/metah has to be buried in another same sex section of the cemetery.

I think the daughter should first find out what the rules and policies are of the cemetery her father is buried. The decision may already be out of her hands.

Sent from my iPhone
Barbara

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[Rabbi Regina Sandler-Phillips]

Agreed with Barbara; the daughter ultimately needs to engage with local Jewish authorities on burial logistics. 

That said, I would encourage the daughter to seek out supportive bereavement services for complicated grief--sooner rather than later (if she hasn't already done so).

With many blessings for healing, consolation, and continuing lights in the darkness,

Regina

 

Rabbi Regina Sandler-Phillips, MSW, MPH

Executive Director, WAYS OF PEACE Community Resources

 

"In cities of diversity...we organize ourselves and our money...

to sustain the poor...and visit the sick...and bury the dead...and comfort the bereaved...

for these are ways of peace." (Jerusalem Talmud, Tractate Gittin)

[Rabbi Joe Blair]

A practical oriented answer: 

Much depends on the rules of the cemetery in question, and if there are open burial plots in the cemetery. 

No arrangements have been made, which implies no purchase of plots; so this could require buying one for the mother at the time, or several as part of pre-planning. 

 

In some cemeteries, only married couples may be situated next to each other, so the burials in a line would be: 

 Husband-Wife    Wife-Husband    Husband-Wife    Wife-Husband, etc., in order that only married couples would be adjacent. 

In Israel and elsewhere, there are cemeteries with double height/depth plots, with the spouse that dies first buried lower/deeper, and the spouse that dies later is buried above. What I recall being told is that only spouses could be buried in this way. And, there are reporedly some cemeteries with separation of male-female meitim. All are based on the rules set up for that cemetery. 

The other side of the coin is that in family (and Landsmanschaaften) sections of many cemeteries, anyone who is a member of the family (or group) can be buried in any of the plots in that section. Many examples exist of a husband being buried in a family section, and the wife (often remarried) being buried elsewhere, so there is an empty plot, usable by anyone in the family, and  nuclear families are not necessarily adjacent.  

First step is to check with the cemetery for their rules. After you know that, then decide what you wish to purchase (and when), and at the time of need, tell the rabbi which cemetery and which grave. That is usually all the rabbi needs to know, if the cemetery agrees. What is said to the rabbi about the abusive relationships at the time of the funeral is another matter.   

Joe Blair

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[Kerry Swartz]

I know that in our Modern Orthodox cemetery, when one spouse dies, the staff put a note on the adjacent plot which will in all likeliehood be intended for the deceased’s spouse when that time comes.

[Klapper, David G.]

The older section of our cemetery (mid 1800's) does not allow an unrelated male buried next to an unrelated female - much like Rabbi Blair has noted, except we wouldn't have restricted the descriptors to 'husband-wife, wife-husband'.  That said, it would be perfectly okay for a daughter to be buried next to her father and have her mother buried elsewhere in the cemetery (ultimately surrounded by women).  I'm assuming that there are only 2 adjoining plots available, precluding burying her mother either next to the daughter or on the other side of the father. 

David Klapper

Durham, NC

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From: jewish-...@googlegroups.com <jewish-...@googlegroups.com> on behalf of Sheri Gerson <SMGe...@comcast.net>
Sent: Tuesday, November 27, 2018 9:49:51 AM
To: Jewish-Funerals@Googlegroups. Com
Subject: [jewish-funerals] Seeking advice regarding burial of married couple

 

[Ilene Rubenstein]

I don't have anything to add to the responses to the specific question regarding burial other than my hope that the cemetery and the Rabbi will listen and respond to this daughter with respect for her request, understanding of the reasons behind it, and compassion as it is my belief that the mitzvah - commandment -  to comfort the mourner extends to what I would call "anticipatory mourners" as well. I also pray that this daughter and her mother may find some measure of peace before the mother's passing, if that is at all possible.

In the meantime, I would like to share the following meditation (which can be found in the Mahzor Lev Shalem) as I feel it may be helpful when the time comes.

__________________________

Yizkor Meditation in Memory of a Parent Who Was Hurtful

by Rabbi Bob Saks

Dear God,

You know my heart.

Indeed,

You know me better than I know myself.

So I turn to You before I rise for Kaddish.

My emotions swirl as I say this prayer.

The parent I remember was not kind to me.

His/her death left me with a legacy

of unhealed wounds, of anger, and of

dismay that a parent could hurt a child

as I was hurt.

Help me O god,

To subdue my bitter emotions

That do me no good,

and to find that place in myself

where happier memories may lie hidden,

and where grief for all that could have been,

may be calmed by forgiveness,

or at least be soothed by the passage of time.

I pray that You,

who raises up slaves to freedom,

will liberate me from the oppression of my

hurt and anger, and that You will lead me

from this desert to Your holy place.

Amen.

B'Shalom,

Ilene Rubenstein

Brooklyn, NY

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[Sheri Gerson]

Thank you all for your very helpful and kind responses to this advice about burying a daughter next to her father instead of the wife.

Sadly, the mother of this person died on the 5th of December, prior to me receiving any of these messages (I think it took a week or two for it to be posted after it was sent).  On the day of the mother’s death, I encouraged the daughter to speak openly with the Rabbi about her request.  She told me the Rabbi would not discuss any of the previous family history with her and that it is tradition for the wife to be buried next to the husband and there were no other alternatives or options.  The daughter did her best to reach out to other members of the synagogue for support, but since she lives in another community far away, she was not successful.  She now lives in a very rural area far from any Jewish community, so these comments below I believe will be very helpful.  I want to thank all of you for this feedback and support.  I value this list-serve as a place that I can go with questions  about some of the most tenuous and unexpected experiences.  I wasn’t even involved in this as a Chevra member, but my name was forwarded to her as "someone who knows about such things.”   This is what happens. 

I especially want to thank Ilene Rubenstein for the Yizkor Meditation prayer which I forwarded on to the daughter, and which I think will help to give her some sort of peace and know that she is not alone. 

Blessings to you all. 

Sheri Mila
Olympia, WA

and 

Dumfries, Scotland

Sheri Mila Gerson, PhD
Research Associate (Wellcome Trust Project)
University of Glasgow, Dumfries Campus
School of Interdisciplinary Studies

Rutherford/McCowan Building
Bankend Road
Dumfries   DG1 4ZL
Scotland, UK

Email: sheri....@glasgow.ac.uk

UK Mobile:  +44 (0) 7484 213306

US Mobile: 1-360-789-0738
Skype: sherimila

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