Re: [jewish-funerals] Digest for jewish-funerals@googlegroups.com - 2 updates in 1 topic
Susan Schwirck
Ilene's points are well taken, but I think the actions she suggests are not part of the chevra's responsibilities, but rather that of the clergy.
The chevra must concentrate on the maita, focus on their obligation to her. When a call comes in for a tahara to our group, there's barely time to assemble the team. We lack sufficient time to explain to a mourner the whys and wherefores of a policy in a way that will be comforting. Our policy (immediate family and/or non-members do not participate in tahara) is in place so the chevra can avoid making decisions on the fly and can focus on their duties.
In the case under discussion, I think the clergy could have explained to the mourner the policy, it's reasons and suggested alternative activities that would be of comfort, rather than coming down on the chevra and putting pressure on it to change. The rabbi's job is to counsel, advise, explain. The rabbis know their congregants and can customize their pastoring. The chevra's job is to tend to the maita. Often they don't know the family and being charged to remain anonymous if they do know the family, makes it difficult for them to pastor to the mourners.
I have found this discussion very interesting and informative. What a good group!
Sent: Monday, May 7, 2018 7:02 AM
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Subject: [jewish-funerals] Digest for jewish-...@googlegroups.com - 2 updates in 1 topic
- Please respond to this informal Poll!! - 2 Updates
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Ilene Rubenstein <minim...@yahoo.com>: Apr 26 04:47PM
This has indeed been a very interesting exchange with a variety of perspectives. I agree with many of the points that have been made, particularly concerning respecting the dignity, process and comfort of chevra members, and the importance of not unwittingly becoming involved in some kind of family drama (nobody needs that). I think that rather than getting stuck in a fixed "these are the rules" position, it would be more helpful to gain an understanding of the reasons behind a request for family participation, and to respond to those underlying concerns. What are they really looking for? Why? How do they think this will help them? These underlying concerns and emotional needs will be unique to each family, indeed, even to each member of the family, and the called-for response will be equally unique. I believe such an individuated response is possible within the framework of the chevra's traditional practices. Very often, I suspect, it need not come down to a yes/no power competition. Open and respectful dialogue can help understand what the mourners are needing and then ways of meeting those needs can be found whether that involves some measure of participation (minimal at the beginning or end, or full) or finding alternatives that would satisfy their needs without compromising what the chevra is comfortable with. Perhaps the mourner does not understand what is involved and once it is explained in a gentle way, they could be helped to find other final acts of love that would give them the closure they may be seeking. Or, if there are concerns about the strictness with which the chevra conducts a tahara, rather than putting the chevra in the totally unreasonable position of feeling judged by the presence of a family member, the family could be connected to a more Orthodox chevra who would no doubt follow the same guidelines, but with whom the family might feel more comfortable and trusting. I truly believe that the work of the chevra is about love, and if we respond to the mourners with real understanding and love, the solutions will present themselves. |
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edith_...@yahoo.com: May 06 09:16PM -0400
To continue what was inadvertently sent- A son-in-law requested to be part of the Tahara team. He was so moved by the experience, that he has since joined the team. Sent from my iPhone Begin forwarded message: |
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