Re: [jewish-funerals] Digest for jewish-funerals@googlegroups.com - 1 update in 1 topic

[Susan Schwirck]

This has been an interesting, informative and wonderful conversation about the role of the chevra kadisha, the position of mourners, and the influence of rabbis. What it boils down to is the urgent need for education about the myriad Jewish ways in dealing with death. I say "myriad" because in considering death, Jews consider myriad steps. Even before a Jew dies, when the person is dying, there are many things to consider and duties to be performed. What the chevra does is just one part in a huge process. Many Jews (I might say most Jews) have limited or no knowledge of this process.

So, let me segue to an invitation to attend the 16 Annual North American Chevrah Kadisha and Jewish Cemeteries Conference at Beth El Congregation, Bethesda, MD, June 3 - 5. The learning opportunities go beyond Chevrah Kadisha and Cemeteries. (jewish-funerals.org)

Susan Schwirck

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Subject: [jewish-funerals] Digest for jewish-...@googlegroups.com - 1 update in 1 topic

 

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• Fw: Re: [jewish-funerals] Please respond to this informal Poll!! - 1 Update

Fw: Re: [jewish-funerals] Please respond to this informal Poll!!

Ilene Rubenstein <minim...@yahoo.com>: May 27 12:24AM I'm going to respond to both Susans. First, Susan Schwirck:   In my comments, I was mostly focusing on factors to take into account in deciding how a request will be responded do, rather than the logistics as to who would actually assume this role. I agree that dealing with potentially challenging requests such as family participation are often best handled by the Rabbi, but given the variety of chevra groups (synagogue based, those serving a broader community, etc.) this distinction of roles may or may not be best - or even possible. For my chevra, which is synagogue-based, the Rabbi is the mara d'atra who makes the final determinations regarding such decisions, but they are made in consultation with the leaders of the chevra.   Susan (Barnes)- I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I totally agree that those who do this work do it with the utmost kavanah regardless of denomination, and I also agree that most people would feel most comfortable with things being handled by their own community. I was responding to the specific example that was given in a previous post that alluded to a situation where the chevra sensed that the family member wanted to be present to "make sure" that everything was done "right". This would set up a completely unacceptable situation whereby volunteers would feel watched and judged. If the family, or even a family member, lacks full trust in the chevra, perhaps a referral to another group would be appropriate.         On Monday, May 7, 2018, 8:33:42 PM EDT, Susan Barnes <cil...@comcast.net> wrote: I thought everything you said here was great, except for the assumption that the family would be more likely to trust an Orthodox chevra. I, for one, would be much more likely to trust the chevra from my own community, and I suspect many families would feel the same, trusting members of their own community more than strangers to do this holy work, regardless of denomination.     On April 26, 2018 at 9:47 AM 'Ilene Rubenstein' via jewish-funerals <jewish-...@googlegroups.com> wrote:     This has indeed been a very interesting exchange with a variety of perspectives. I agree with many of the points that have been made, particularly concerning respecting the dignity, process and comfort of chevra members, and the importance of not unwittingly becoming involved in some kind of family drama (nobody needs that).   I think that rather than getting stuck in a fixed "these are the rules" position, it would be more helpful to gain an understanding of the reasons behind a request for family participation, and to respond to those underlying concerns. What are they really looking for? Why? How do they think this will help them? These underlying concerns and emotional needs will be unique to each family, indeed, even to each member of the family, and the called-for response will be equally unique. I believe such an individuated response is possible within the framework of the chevra's traditional practices.   Very often, I suspect, it need not come down to a yes/no power competition. Open and respectful dialogue can help understand what the mourners are needing and then ways of meeting those needs can be found whether that involves some measure of participation (minimal at the beginning or end, or full) or finding alternatives that would satisfy their needs without compromising what the chevra is comfortable with.   Perhaps the mourner does not understand what is involved and once it is explained in a gentle way, they could be helped to find other final acts of love that would give them the closure they may be seeking. Or, if there are concerns about the strictness with which the chevra conducts a tahara, rather than putting the chevra in the totally unreasonable position of feeling judged by the presence of a family member, the family could be connected to a more Orthodox chevra who would no doubt follow the same guidelines, but with whom the family might feel more comfortable and trusting.   I truly believe that the work of the chevra is about love, and if we respond to the mourners with real understanding and love, the solutions will present themselves.                     -- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "jewish-funerals" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to jewish-funera...@googlegroups.com. For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/d/optout.   -- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "jewish-funerals" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to jewish-funera...@googlegroups.com. For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/d/optout.

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