Re: New member allert

[A Guy]

I appreciate the support.  I haven't bought a pack yet (this time around).  I was never one for ultra lights.  I'm a Marlboro Red man through and through.  I've still got this nagging feeling that I'm being stupid and shouldn't smoke.  How do you get around that?

My friends are another problem.  Interested as I've been in smoking for years now, I've sorta floated the idea, tried to gauge reactions.  Those that I got made me genuinely fear the reactions I'd get from friends if I started.

I've just got that feeling, and I had it since before I tried smoking, that I'm constantly battling between wanting to smoke and fearing the possible negative consequences (health and otherwise).  The last time I tried smoking, I guess the power of nicotine kept fears at bay, but a close friend at the time ended up convincing me to stop before I got addicted.  Part of me is glad I listened to him, but another part thinks that listening to him was a mistake.

Seems like it's "I want to start smoking, but I don't."  Got any advice?

[A Guy]

Thank you very much for your messages Koifish.  Why do I want to become a smoker?  Shrouded in anonymity as I am, I'll be completely honest.  I have a smoking fetish.  I have since High School, and it only became more pronounced as university progressed, and then when I went out and got a job.  Sure, it started out relatively innocent and focused on voyeuristic delight, but it just got deeper and I got more caught up in it as time went on.  At one point during university, I became obsessed with trying smoking, and rationalized my first try by that it would "take the mystery away."  It did that for a few hours, but I was soon tormented by the desire to smoke again, despite having been frantic that I would die young from that one cigarette just hours before.  So, I guess the desire to become a smoker comes from the obsession caused by the fetish, and a recognition that neither is going to go away, and that I can either continue to be tormented by it, or give in.

So, as far as addiction goes, I find the idea more thrilling than something to fear.  I guess the problem is in taking the first step and committing to becoming addicted.  You're right though, I could always quit after a few years, and not have to worry too much about having decreased my life span (a lot of Googling went into this in my irrational "I smoked a cigarette, I'm going to die young" moment).  I just need to decide once and for all that it's worth the risks.

Deep down I have decided.  I'll pick up a pack and a lighter on my way home from work today.  I'm not telling family or friends until it feels right.

[A Guy]

Ha!  Not sick at all in my book.  I came to terms with my fetish years ago, and simultaneously became more accepting of all the craziness that is life.

Anyway, I bought a pack of Reds last night on my way home from work, waited until after dark, then headed out to the park I smoked in on my last "try" to smoke one.  I dunno what it is, but it seems like every time I smoke after an extended period of not smoking, smoking is better than I played it up to in my mind.  I didn't want to overdo it though, so I just left it at that last night.  The aftertaste and after-smell that had freaked me out on my first try were enjoyable, just like last time.  There was something thrilling about waking up to a smoky pillow (thanks to my smoky hair.)

That said, I'd rather avoid conflict at work until I'm more solidly a smoker.  So, I'm going to have a cigarette before my shower, and then head off to work.  No time to go to the park though, so I'll just have to smoke just outside my apartment building.

[A Guy]

I know, because I was sitting on the ground with my back against a tree!

My morning smoke was good.  I was too nervous to smoke right by the entry, so I headed around back to the parking lot instead.  A few people from my building saw me, but I don't really know them.  It was actually thrilling to give them the old "nod of acknowledgement" while holding a cigarette, or for someone to enter the parking lot while I was exhaling.  I was able to smoke it slow (unlike one time on a past "try" I smoked quickly, nervous I'd get caught, and felt nauseous afterward.)

You were right, I was thinking about my next cigarette all day at work today.  I drove to the supermarket on my way home, and I feel like a hypocrite for denying myself various unhealthy foods while planning all the while to do something so unhealthy by comparison.  I guess "pick your poison" applies here though.  Any anxieties were quashed when I was filled with that feeling of calm that smoking provides me.

I'm going to head out for a walk to the park now and smoke another cigarette before I go to bed.  This weekend I'd like to become comfortable enough as a smoker to smoke at work on Monday.

[A Guy]

The weekend went well.  I dove in just like you mused about.  By the time I'd smoked my 6th (and last) cigarette on Saturday, I felt comfortable enough to start Sunday smoking in front of the building instead of in the back parking lot.  I finished off the pack on Sunday, having the last cigarette before I went to bed.  I thought I'd be fine picking up a new pack on the way to work in the morning, but right from when I got up, up until I lit up outside the 7-11 all I could think about was that cigarette (which was amazing, by the way).

Work was interesting.  Met some new people while out smoking, and most friends at work didn't even mention anything.  I guess they felt the shame that they think I was supposed to?  One asked me if everything was OK, but still danced around the issue.  I guess when an independent 24 year old guy starts smoking, people tend not to be as melodramatic as if I were in high school or starting college.  Or maybe I'm just lucky not to be around rude anti-smokers.

I smoked half a pack yesterday, and probably will again today.  I'm going to make sure to always have an extra pack on hand, to avoid a repeat of Monday morning. 

[A Guy]

Oh, I'm pretty sure I'm in a pattern already.  I'm pretty steady at about 10 Marlboro Reds a day.  I got more comfortable smoking at work as the week went on.  It didn't take long for it to feel natural to go out for a smoke.  On Friday night I went out with (non-smoking) friends, and when they asked me whether my smoking was just a bar thing, I guess I'm addicted enough (and had enough alcohol) to tell them that it was not, and that I'm a daily half a pack a day smoker.  They asked me if I thought I'd quit, and I told them that I don't plan to.  Again I was met more by what I felt was awkwardness or embarrassment from them.  So, not the drama I was expecting, but still not ideal.  I also burned through 16 cigarettes that day (I guess I feel like smoking more when I'm drinking?)  I didn't have trouble only smoking 10 a day after that though.  They still acted all weird whenever I excused myself for a cigarette though.  On the up side, I have been meeting lots of friendly smokers while smoking outside my apartment building and at work, and even at the bar as well.  (So maybe my circle of friends will change a bit?)

[A Guy]

No worries.  I understand how busy it can get.  Thanks for keeping tabs on me.  To answer your questions:

1.  I guess this time I'd actually made up my mind that I needed to start smoking, and that is what I intended to do.  All the previous times were sort of spur of the moment decisions that saw me ending up with a pack and smoking a few.  All those times I hadn't accepted the idea of being a smoker.  Doing so made all the difference.

2.  It was exciting, in more ways than one ;)

3.  You're right.  That IS BS.  I can still climb stairs fine.  I'm still fine swimming too.  I generally find that I can focus a lot better after smoking, though when my thoughts drift to smoking then I know its time to have another.  I still think on average I focus better than when I was a non-smoker.  I also feel more sane, but I guess that's hard to explain.  Or maybe that's stress related; I've really enjoyed cigarettes for stress relief.  The nicotine combined with being able to take a break from your day and just smoke (a focused break I guess?) really helps me be more relaxed in general  I also find that I'm snacking less, and enjoy the after eating cigarette.  Finally, I found that daily stress usually meant that I would stay awake in bed for a long time before falling asleep.  Now that I'm smoking I can fall asleep a lot easier at night.  I have found that I can't just lay around in bed for a long time in the morning though.  I need to get up, go outside, and smoke.

4.  My fantasies about smoking have gotten much stronger since I started, but thankfully are not inconvenient.  I do find myself fantasizing about smoking more though now (as opposed to my earlier fantasies of just smoking at all.)  That isn't nearly as strong as my urge to smoke was when I was still a non-smoker though.

[Keith Watkins]

Just a quick Hello-and welcome to the world of smoking. You are no doubt experiencing something new and wonderful but until you cannot go for 3-4 hours without a cigarette it is but a dream. Try watching the clock and give yourself an hour or so and then try and not have a cigarette and then you will know if you are hooked. If you give in (and we all know you will!) inhale deeply and acccept that you are a smoker-Just enjoy, knowing that there is nothing that you can do about it-not that you want to. Keith. --- On Sun, 9/27/09, A Guy <justarand...@gmail.com> wrote:

[A Guy]

And what a three weeks it's been.  Now instead of being envious of smokers that I see, I usually just light up myself.  I've also seen some personality improvements as well.  I used to just eat lunch at the office, but now I sometimes go out with the rest of the smokers, and grab a nice outdoor seat.  I also went to a club last night with some of the smokers from work.  It didn't use to be my scene, but now that I need to go out and smoke every hour or so, it was somehow a lot more enjoyable.  It's like doing something that a large part of society says is unacceptable has increased my confidence.

I have already let my friends know that I'm a smoker, and I have no intention of quitting.  Nobody in my family knows yet.  I'll bring it up sometime before going home for Thanksgiving forces me to.  Any advice?

 

[A Guy]

Boy are you right about the cravings :)

My bad, I should have explained my family situation.  Nobody in my family smokes.  My parents are both examples of your typical "antis".  Well, maybe my father not as much, but my mother often complains to family members when waiting in a group (like at a bus stop) where people are smoking.

As for the rest of my family, I have an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister.  To the best of my knowledge, none of them smokes.  When my older brother just started high school a few of his friends started smoking, and he was smoking as well for a week or so before my mother caught him.  My parents were furious, he was grounded for the rest of that semester, and it took even longer than that for the tension to die down.  It seemed like the rest of us got more severe anti-smoking lectures after that, and being smelled by my mother after school was noticeable, even though she tried to be discreet.

[A Guy]

Although I'm usually all for lies to make things easier (my parents don't know that I am no longer a Catholic, and in fact not Christian at all), your plan didn't sit quite well with me.  I did like the level of psychological manipulation though, and the whole idea of getting them acclimatized to the idea of me smoking by going from non-smoker to smoker in steps that would almost seem reasonable to them.

At the same time though, I want to be truthful.  I want to say "I'm a smoker now, and I don't intend to quit."  It seems to me like any "series of almost reasonable steps" must always end in "I got addicted accidentally, and I'm going to quit soon."  Could I play out that lie for the rest of their (or my) lives?  I could even lie about periods where I quit, only to end up relapsed whenever I go home to visit.

Or, what if I hit them with a confession about my fetish?  Would the awkwardness surrounding that somehow make my smoking more acceptable to them?  I don't know.  I'm afraid things will get really bad if I hit them with "I'm a smoker now, and I don't intend to quit" and leave out mention of my reasons for smoking.  It's going to be awkward no matter what though.

[A Guy]

OK then.  Now I just have to psych myself up.  I'll tell my mom when we talk on Saturday.

I'm really enjoying my new habit.  I'm still smoking Reds, but it somehow crept up to a cigarette every hour or so, so I guess 16-18 cigarettes a day?  I don't really count them, or at least I try not to.  As for regrets, first off, I regret moving into an apartment that doesn't allow smoking indoors.  I also regret not starting sooner.  I spent so many years conflicted between wanting to smoke and thinking it was wrong.  I should have just started in college after my first try.

[A Guy]

Thanks for the welcome and all your encouragement.  It is small comfort to me at the moment though.  The conversation with my mom (and eventually my dad) didn't go well at all.  I had a pleasant conversation with my mom up to that point, and when there was a lull in the conversation I decided it was the opportune moment to bring this up.  I hit her with the highly rehearsed phrase:  

"Mom, I have to tell you something.  I know you'll be disappointed in me and probably angry, but I made this decision carefully and even if you can't respect it, at least respect that I am old enough to control my own life.  I have started smoking."

Even over the crappy Skype video connection I swear I could see the colour drain from her face.  There was yelling, she was crying, asking "Why" like I did it to spite her personally, and not waiting for an answer.  Her not wanting to bury me was a common theme.  My dad came in due to the commotion and went over his usual repertoire of insults, calling me stupid and an idiot.  They mocked the idea that it was my choice, saying that smoking is terrible and I only like it because I'm addicted, and I'm therefore not really in control of my own life.  At one point I thought that confessing about the fetish was the right thing to do, but as I lead up to telling them, they just told me that they didn't want to hear whatever excuse I had, because there was no reason for anybody to smoke.

It could have been a lot worse though.  I had a tendency to get into yelling matches with my father in high school, but a smoker at work, who is a father, told me that when dealing with a child's tantrums, speaking softly instead of yelling as well helps keep things from escalating.  I employed that as best I could, but I sometimes got carried away.  I did have the good sense not to excuse myself for the cigarette I was desperately craving towards the end of the conversation.

After almost half an hour of this there was some silence, that my mother, still sobbing, broke by begging me to quit for her.  It was the hardest thing I've ever said to apologize and tell her that I have no intention to quit.  It was even harder to watch her reaction, but then should told me that she loved me and that we'd talk at the usual time next week, and hung up.  Hopefully they'll have come to terms with me being a smoker by then.

[Keith Watkins]

Well done! It was pretty much the same for me-I came from a non smoking family. When I started, I thought that I could keep it to myself but of course you can't. Also had the whole guilt thing thrown at me but by then I was addicted so I came clean. What I didn't know is that my sisters had also started smoking. My parents wanted to know why we could not stop so I said why don't you try and then tell me. They are now both a pack a day smokers. So from a non smoking family we are now all puffing away and give each other a carton of cigarettes for our birthdays! The best part is not being able to stop even if you get those thoughts. The inability to stop is actually quite powerful. Seeing my family become committed smokers has been amazing. Who knows, maybe your folks will also start like mine. Now go and really enjoy a cigarette-like you should, without any guilt. Keith.

--- On Sun, 10/11/09, A Guy <justarand...@gmail.com> wrote:

From: A Guy <justarand...@gmail.com> Subject: Re: New member allert To: iwanttostartsm...@googlegroups.com

[A Guy]

Hey guys, I've been meaning to write but keep getting sidetracked (one positive side effect of starting smoking is that my social calendar seems to now be more full.  Did anybody else in this group find that when they started?).  There are a few things to report.  As far as my smoking goes, I'm level at about a pack a day of Reds.

After a few weeks of Skype conversation (with my pack and lighter in the background, btw), my parents have gone from hurt to embarrassed to I guess as close to accepting as they can get.  Their stance is that they don't like me smoking, and they want me to quit, but that there's no way they can make me do it against my will.  So, there's been a fair number of articles online that they've drawn my attention to, and they've also banned me from smoking anywhere on their property, and asked (more like told...) me not to smoke when I'm with my younger siblings.  Also, because I smoke in my car, they don't want me to give my younger siblings rides in it, even if I don't smoke at the time.

The other exciting news is that on Tuesday I signed a rental agreement for a new place that allows smoking indoors!  I'm pretty excited about moving actually, but I don't take possession until December 1.  Sure, it is a basement suite and slightly smaller than my current apartment, but it is in a good neighbourhood (which explains why I'm paying a bit more for it than my old place).  Overall I'm pleased with my decision.

[A Guy]

Yeah, it really was all about getting over that barrier to becoming a smoker, and then I just sort of naturally settled into a pack a day habit, no special techniques required.

It will be really great to be able to smoke those two Reds in bed instead of having to go outside.  How did you know I chain two right after I wake up?  Is that common amongst people who smoke as much as I do?  Anyway, it will certainly also be fun to have smoking friends over, not to mention the extra convenience of not having to bundle up (it's getting cold outside) and head outside (well, at least when I'm at home.  I'll still have to do that at work.)

Thanks for the words of encouragement about the whole thing with my parents.  We'll see how Thanksgiving weekend goes, I guess.  I think you're right about that whole "lost one of our children to cigarettes" comment.  I'm not terribly close with any of my siblings, so the fact that I haven't spoken to them since dropping the bombshell isn't terribly surprising.  Don't get me wrong though, we do stuff together when we're all in the same place, and we get along, but there just isn't the "I want to talk to him/her" thought that one has for a friend (or in my mother's case, her children.)

Prompted by your question, I did ask my mother today whether she told my siblings about my smoking.  That was probably a bit of a mistake, because she started to get emotional about how she really had to to prevent them from making the same stupid choice, and how just one of her children smoking was bad enough, and blah blah blah.  I guess my siblings were all too embarrassed about it to contact me to verify?  Whatever, I guess it doesn't matter.  They'll see me smoking, or at least going out to smoke, soon enough.

[A Guy]

Wow, it sounds like we are a lot the same.  I can't wait until I can have those morning cigarettes in bed instead of hauling my ass outside.  It sounds great.  I'll keep your advice about smoking during the night in mind.

Thankfully I have it pretty good at work.  Not only are they pretty lax about "the clock," they actually encourage staff to make sure they take 5 minute breaks every hour (mainly as an eye-strain thing.)  Sure, using those breaks to smoke kind of runs counter to the healthy living program management tries to promote (past experience tells me that there's going to be some "quit smoking" encouragement starting soon... but this year I get to observe it as an unrepentant smoker) but they can't stop me from using my breaks to have a smoke.

So in my mother's most recent e-mail with anti-smoking links, she added another stipulation to my visit home.  I'm now not allowed to bring my cigarettes into the house.  I have to leave them in my locked car.  Hopefully it doesn't get any more absurd.

[A Guy]

Oh I have no intention of ever taking an extended holiday from smoking.  I've known for quite some time that me and the habit are fused, and my answers to your questions only confirm that.

Actually, my mother's demand that I leave my cigarettes in the car didn't really change how I planned on smoking that weekend.  Her "not on our property" rule essentially made it so I'd have to go out on the road, and smoking in my car was really the best available option in that case. 

Do you really think I should stand up to them like that?  There will be times when the whole family will be together outdoors, but my parents don't want me to smoke near my younger brother and sister (well, or probably them for that matter.)  I'd like to be respectful, but then again, I also like the idea of being the rebel... part of me wants to light up in my bedroom and see how they react.  Though, maybe it's more to my advantage to give them a gentle introduction to me as a smoker who respects their wishes.

Whatever the case, I am a smoker now, and they will eventually accept that and how important it is to me.

[A Guy]

Hey man, sorry to leave you in the lurch.  Right after Thanksgiving I had my move to my new place, and it took me a while to settle in.  Top that all off with a busy time at work.

Thanksgiving with my folks went ok.  It was a bit of a rocky start (my mom said "Ugh, you stink" as she was hugging me when I first arrived), and they didn't loosen any of their restrictions on my smoking, but I think they did get a good chance to start getting used to it.

My older brother didn't make it home this year, but my younger brother did, and my sister hasn't left yet, so they were both there.  My sister's pretty athletic, and was therefore hugely critical of my smoking.  Almost as much as my parents, in fact.  And yet, she hit me up to buy some alcohol for her, so funny how that works.  My little brother on the other hand, expressed some bewilderment that I'd start smoking, but later confided in me that he has the odd cigarette when he's out with friends in college.  Looks like social smoking is even more prevalent now than when I was in college a few short years ago.

As for my move, I'm thoroughly enjoying being able to smoke inside.  Those first cigarettes of the morning in bed are heavenly.

So what's this I hear about you stepping down as a manager?  Why?

[one_time_smoker]

So your brother has the odd cigarette when he is out with friends?
Looks like you and him could become a smoking team at home as well.
Get him started full time. Then i wonder what it will be like in your
home with two smokers .What do you think your mom and dad and sister
will say then. Give an update soon

One_time_smoker
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