how-to-do-stealth-fart

[poojitha]

http://londonlanka.blogspot.com

As a blogger I sometimes feel an obligation to write an educational
post, particular as I know some of my readers are a bit younger than
myself. Some chaps write educational things about politics and
management, the trivial things in life. I think it's better to write
about important things, those that are of real use in everyday life.

Farting is one such subject. Stealth farts are one such example.

And one of the facts about being in charge of people at work is that
one has to get good at doing stealth farts.

It's one that you have to sneak out. It's the James Bond of farts and
has to be parachuted in behind enemy lines in the dead of night
without the enemy realising it's infiltrated its territory. Years of
training and hour upon hour of practice are needed before anyone can
claim to be a master stealth farter.

You see, I sit in my office for most of the day. I put out the
occasional fire and generally act as the sea of calmness that I am.
That's what I do for about 5% of my working day. The rest of the time
I practice drumming under the desk (honestly) and write bits and
pieces in my blog. And do stealth farts. My office has a big glass
wall and is surrounded by women. Loud and manly "Corr blimey have a
whiff of this" type farts aren't really a viable option.

And, over the years, I've developed the level of arse cheek control to
be a Samurai of stealth farting. I feel the urge, look around at the
women in my office, then surreptitiously lift up my right cheek ever
so slightly. This slight shifting of the cheek is important as it
prevents air getting trapped and the fart becoming a loud riproarer.

Young novice stealth fart trainees often make the mistake of either
not lifting the cheek enough, causing the aforementioned riproarer, or
lifting the cheek too much, which keeps the fart silent but shows the
casual observer what they're up to. Beginners may find it useful to
cough or make a loud noise when practicing. This will disguise any
noise that may be produced in the training stage.

The face is the next thing to work on. Because of the level of
straining that goes on in the arse cheek vicinity the face can be a
give away to the casual observer. Novices may find it particularly
helpful to stare at their monitor with a look of bewilderment. This
will give the impression that they are peering at a strange formula
that's just gone wrong in their spreadsheet. Biting the inside of a
lip can help with this. After practice you should get to the level
where your face remains detached from your bum activities, but it can
take years.

Smell is part of the stealth fart concept. A true stealth fart has to
smell as if there's an evil illness hiding in the drawer in your
office just behind an old prawn sandwich. A fart with no noise and no
smell is frankly just a bum cheek movement. We're not interested in
those.

When that fart smell creeps out and wafts around your office, perhaps
your car or your shop, it can cause problems if you're unskilled. It's
one thing to be sitting there basking in the smell of your own work,
like a master painter gazing at a recently completed picture or
perhaps Mr Sting after he listened to Roxanne for the first time. But,
if someone else enters the environment you have to be ready. James
Bond has his gun and all the latest gadgets when he's caught by Dr No,
we have our wit and intelligence.

For some years I was fazed and foxed by the situation. I could do a
good stealth fart, there'd be no noise and no facial giveaways but
then I'd be stumped by someone walking into my office with a message
or a question. The guilt would be written all over my face and the
odour would be wafting all around my office. I would often see the
person approaching and wonder if I should jump up from my chair and
exit the office, but, by the time I'd made up my mind, the person
would be standing next to me, pretending they couldn't smell anything.
You know that feeling, you're both standing there and you both know
who's farted but you pretend nothing's happened.

The method I've developed to deal with this isn't easy to get to grips
with at first. It involves a high level of brazenness and not
inconsiderable courage. It's like a bungee jump, you have to go for it
with the confidence that all will work out well. Hesitation and dilly
dallying will ruin it.

Yes, as the person walks into the environment you first act entirely
normal, which may be a challenge for many. Then, after about twenty
seconds you screw up your nose a bit. Then, after about another ten
seconds, though some people prefer only seven or eight, you say
something like

"Uuuurgh, have you dropped one?"

If the question is delivered with enough confidence and boldness, the
subject, particularly if they have a few years on them, will think
that perhaps it was them. They'll deny it, but leave the area thinking
that they might have dropped one accidentally. It really is all in
your performance.

Those of you with an even stronger cruel streak may choose to mock the
person all afternoon. A bit of mentioning to others that so and so
came into your office and dealt a really smelly one is always a good
laugh.

That's it, I hope the lesson has been valuable.