[FANFIC] Chandler and Monica Ep 111 - Love & Marriage Part 1
jAsOn
"Love & Marriage, Part 1"
Written by Dan Silverstein.
Original Postdate: April 20, 1998.
Opening Credits designed by Amy Gordon and Ian Wallace.
Chandler & Monica is based on characters, events, and places created
by Marta Kauffman, David Crane, and Kevin S. Bright for the NBC series
Friends. The following script is not intended as a derivative work of
Friends in any way and is fully protected under the fair use doctrine
of the Copyright Act. This script may not be reproduced without the
express written consent of Dan Silverstein. You don't want to know
what happened to the last poor schmoe who tried it. All I'll say is
this... there's a lotta holes out in that Las Vegas desert.
[SCENE: A church. A minister in black robes is speaking, there's a
stained glass window in the background.]
MINISTER: ...for richer, and for poorer... in sickness, and in
health... to honor, and to obey... for as long as you shall live?
[The scene cuts to a shot of PETER BURNS (Melrose Place's Jack
Wagner), staring valiantly at the minister. The camera backs up
further, revealing that he is standing next to AMANDA WOODWARD
(Melrose Place's Heather Locklear). He looks at her.]
PETER: I do.
[The scene cuts again to a shot of the TV in Chandler's apartment,
with Chandler watching anxiously. Monica sits in the recliner next to
him.]
AMANDA: I do.
MNCA: It's... so weird seeing weddings on TV now. All I can think
about is... that's gonna be us, soon.
[The scene cuts to a shot of Peter and Amanda kissing on the TV. It
cuts back to Chandler.]
CHAN: I hope Taylor doesn't kidnap our real minister.
[Monica picks up the copy of TV Guide.]
MNCA: There has got to be something else on... [perks up] Oh, hey!
That Fox special's on, "Wrestling's Greatest Secrets Revealed."
CHAN: No... that's last week's TV Guide.
MNCA: [checks cover] Are you sure?
CHAN: Like if the wrestling special was on, I wouldn't already be
watching it.
MNCA: Where's this week's?
CHAN: Still in the mailbox.
[She gets up, looks around for something, checking drawers. After a
moment:]
MNCA: Where's the mail key?
CHAN: Don't ask me, I've been looking for it all week. [beat] But
don't worry... all we have to do is wait, and Fox might reveal it for
us.
MNCA: [sweetly] Chandler... [less calm] you have to find that key.
CHAN: Honey... relax. [flips channel on TV] See? They've got a whole
channel to tell you what's coming on.
MNCA: [neurotic, sits in recliner] How... how can you just... let your
mail sit there?
CHAN: Mon... there's nothing urgent in there.
MNCA: Nothing urgent? Bills, coupons, those things aren't urgent to
you?
[Chandler looks at her.]
MNCA: [tries for reaction] Hey... doesn't the new Playboy ship around
the fifteenth?
CHAN: [uses remote] They've got a channel for that, too. Look... just,
forget about the mail for now, OK? Y'know what? Forget about the TV,
too. [he shuts off TV] Let's figure out what to put on the new window.
MNCA: [leans back, calmer] I still don't see what's wrong with the old
logo.
CHAN: Nothing was wrong with it... it's just, y'know, the insurance
company bought us a whole new pane, I figured we might as well design
it different.
MNCA: [eyes him] You've got quite a thing for change these days.
CHAN: Hey, I'm trying to keep up with the changes. Look what happened
the past year... Phoebe left, Ross gets engaged... we get engaged...
who knows, we could be parents soon.
MNCA: [a bit freaked] Parents?
CHAN: Well... yeah. I thought you want a baby.
MNCA: I.. I do, but... what about you? I mean... are you really ready
to be a father?
CHAN: I don't know about father, but I'll make a damn good younger
brother. And, look... [points to Joey's door] we even have an extra
bedroom.
MNCA: [smiles] Chandler... having a baby is a lot more than having
space for a baby. I mean... you can say you want one now, but you
don't know what it's like to get woken up by yelling and screaming in
the middle of the night.
CHAN: [rolls eyes] Obviously, you've forgotten who used to live in
that room.
THEME MUSIC: "Oh! Darling," The Beatles, Abbey Road
[SCENE: Central Perk. The window facing outside is blank; the coffee
cup logo is no longer there. Chandler and Monica enter. Gunther is
working the counter, Emerald serving.]
CHAN: Gunther! Guess what!
GUNTH: [sigh] I know. You told us. You're engaged. I'm flabbergasted.
Change the record, will ya?
CHAN: Actually... [he takes out a sketchpad] we're creating a new
logo, and.. I thought, maybe you'd have some suggestions.
GUNTH: Here's a suggestion. Give Gunther a raise.
CHAN: OK.. um... do you have any suggestions for the logo?
GUNTH: [thinks] How about... Gunther, the Very Disgruntled Employee.
CHAN: ...OK, that's more of a mascot.
[CUT TO: The kitchen, Monica is washing some utensils. Emerald comes
in.]
EMER: Hey, Monica... listen, I need a huge, monumental favor from you.
What are you doing tonight?
MNCA: [wary] That depends on the favor.
EMER: OK... look, here's the thing. This... absolutely incredible guy
asked me out, and... and I really want to see him again, but...
y'know, after what happened with Ray*... I didn't feel comfortable
with it being just... the two of us. So.. he suggested we double date.
[* I told you to read "Fire & Smoke" first! -D.S.]
MNCA: [hesitant] Well.. it could be fun. I'll ask Chandler.
EMER: No, see... I don't exactly need another couple. Eric's already
bringing his brother.
MNCA: [holds up her ring finger] Emerald... I can't be someone else's
date. Why can't you ask one of your single friends?
EMER: Monica... all my friends are guys. And the gay ones aren't very
attractive.
MNCA: No.
EMER: Monica... it's not even a real date. You don't to kiss him, you
don't even have to touch him. Just sit there and act like you're
listening to him.
MNCA: You're trying to tell me that's not a real date?
[CUT TO: Chandler and Gunther at the counter. Monica and Emerald's
backs are facing away from them, visible through the wall. Chandler is
showing Gunther a sketch from the pad.
CHAN: Here... what d'ya think of this one?
GUNTH: Chandler, look... does it really matter what's on the window?
People don't decide where to eat because of... golden arches, or...
that prissy little brat with the red hair. People just want to go
somewhere with... good food, and a warm atmosphere.
[A customer approaches the counter.]
CUST: Hi, can I--
GUNTH: [snaps] Excuse me, I'm talking here!
[Emerald and Monica turn, talk to Chandler through the window in the
wall.]
EMER: Hey, Chandler... Monica wants your permission to go out with me
tonight.
MNCA: [to Emerald, curt] I didn't say I needed permission! [to
Chandler, sweetly] ..Can I?
CHAN: [sarcasm] I don't know, did you finish your chores? [beat] Of
course you can.
MNCA: Before you say 'yes,' don't you want to know where?
CHAN: No... just tell me when you'll be back, so we can avoid the
Wednesday night incident.
MNCA: For all you know, I could be going on a date.
[Emerald nudges Monica.]
CHAN: Mon... I proposed, you accepted... remember? I trust you.
[Monica's face briefly falls at this.]
EMER: See, Monica? He trusts you... you can go.
MNCA: [to Chandler] Read my lips... [slowly] it.. is.. a date.
EMER: [pleading her case] It is not a date. She's simply helping me on
my date.
MNCA: [urging for an excuse to not go] But there'll be another guy
there.
CHAN: [thinks] Well.. ordinarily I'd say no, but... Emerald needs all
the help she can get.
[SCENE: Salinger's restaurant, Monica and Emerald are at the bar
having a few drinks. Monica's wearing conservative jeans, and a light
jacket. Emerald's wearing a short sundress.]
MNCA: [pays for drinks] Does it seem at all weird to you that we're
doing this?
EMER: Mon, chill out.. Chandler already knows you're here, this isn't
gonna turn into Casino.
MNCA: Not that.. I meant, it's weird that you and me are out,
together, the two of us.
EMER: [drinks] Why?
MNCA: [embarrassed] Well... when I first hired you... I kinda looked
at you as... the competition.
EMER: Oh, don't worry... I don't even want to be manager.
MNCA: For Chandler.
EMER: [looks at her] Give me a break, Monica. That's not a competition
at all. [pause] No one could win but you. [glances down] It's in his
eyes every time he looks at you. [pause] Did I not tell you he was
about to propose?
MNCA: I... guess you did.
EMER: A proposal which I thought you'd be more enthusiastic about, by
the way.
MNCA: [hesitantly] I.. I am. I am enthusiastic about it, but...
something he said today... kinda makes me think he did it for the
wrong reasons.
EMER: [curious] What did he say?
MNCA: Well... I mean, we haven't even been engaged a full week, and
then today, he starts talking about having children.
EMER: [pause, sarcastic] What a pig.
MNCA: [takes a drink] Look, you don't know the whole story. My last
major boyfriend, Richard, we broke up because he didn't want kids.
And.... now I'm worried Chandler only proposed because he knows I want
children. [pause] I.. I'm probably just being paranoid. As usual. I
mean... I'm sure he wouldn't make such a huge decision if he didn't
truly want to.
EMER: [pause] So.... Chandler knew you broke up with Richard over the
kid thing?
MNCA: Yeah.
EMER: [finishes drink] That's not good.
MNCA: W-What?
EMER: Well... I mean... it makes sense. He knows how strong you feel
about having kids... and I'm sure he doesn't want to have one out of
wedlock. I mean... that could've been a critical factor.
MNCA: Wait! Wait! You already said he wanted to marry me, you saw it
in his eyes!
EMER: [straightforward] What do I know, Monica, I can't even go out on
dates by myself. [pause] Look... guys like to say what they think we
want to hear. It's like that in any relationship.
MNCA: You honestly think he'd propose because I wanted to hear it?
EMER: I'm saying... guys'll go to great lengths to stay on happy
terms. Especially around bedtime. [beat] When did he propose,
anyway...?
[Shot of Monica, finishing off her drink. She pretends like she didn't
hear the question.]
MNCA: Most guys aren't like that, OK? Most guys speak their own minds.
[Shot of two guys entering the restaurant. One (ERIC) spots Emerald,
and they start to walk over.]
EMER: We'll see about that.
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters, takes out a
cigarette, hits a button on the answering machine, and stands near the
open door, lighting the cigarette. (NOTE TO READERS: SMOKING IS VERY,
VERY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. JUST BECAUSE CHANDLER DOES IT DOES NOT MAKE
IT COOL. AND DON'T BE TRICKED INTO THINKING IT'S COOL BY THE FACT THAT
JOE CAMEL LOOKS SIMILAR TO MALE GENITALIA.) The answering machine
begins playback.]
MACHINE VOICE: You have three messages.
ROSS' VOICE: [on machine] Hey, guys... I, uh... just wanted to call
and say congratulations on the engagement... and... Chandler, I'm
sorry I threw my shoe at you... I just needed some time to, uh,...
take it all in. So, uh... I'll see you guys at the Shrine. 'Bye.
[beep]
CHAN: [confused] The 'Shrine'?
[The machine clicks.]
PHOEBE'S VOICE: [on machine] I can't believe it, now you guys are
getting married!! It's so cute, it's like the whole group is pairing
off! Oh my God, it's like the end of Grease! [pause] Frank! Frank, get
down from the telephone pole! What are y--
[The message stops, the machine beeps and begins to play another
message.]
JOEY'S VOICE: [staticky] Hey... you guys, um... sorry I wasn't here
when you called... I've been really busy gettin' stuff.. sorted out
down here...
CHAN: [quipping] I understand, for some of us, it's a full-time job.
[Joey's message continues to play in the background while Chandler
says this]
JOEY'S VOICE: [continuing] ...I'll talk to you soon... and, hey, did
you see me on Access: Hollywood last night?? They put me on right
after the DiCaprio Daily Digest!! [there's a voice in the background
of the message]
OTHER MSG VOICE: Hurry up Tribbiani, we gotta recharge this monkey!
[The message tape ends. Chandler runs water on his cigarette, turns
around, and opens up one of the uppermost cabinets, from which he
produces a small red ashtray. There is a piece of paper attached to
the ashtray. Surprised, he peels the note off the ashtray.]
CHAN: [reads note] "I found your ashtray, now maybe you can find the
mail key."
[He sighs, wads up the note, tosses it away. He starts halfheartedly
checking around the kitchen: opening drawers, looking behind the
faucet, etc.]
CHAN: [mumbles] If she can't find it, how the hell'm I gonna find
it...?
[From outside, the sound of a door slamming with force. There's also
yelling: Hugh and Kim.]
HUGH: [loud] Kim, we've been over this!
KIM: [loud] I don't want to hear it... "H-Bomb." 'Cept the over part.
[Chandler slides over to the peephole in the door, shy out of guilt.
He looks out.
CUT TO: Outside in the hall, Hugh and Kim arguing. She's got luggage
with her.]
HUGH: [not quite pleading] Jesus, Kim... I got this apartment for you.
Now you're just gonna leave it?
KIM: [firm] I can't waste any more of my life here. Don't worry about
your precious apartment, I'm sure you'll have some other little freak
up in here by tomorrow.
HUGH: I don't want another freak, I want you!
KIM: [turning] Goodbye. It's been a real learning experience.
HUGH: [pauses, upset, but not following her] How do you just walk away
like that?
KIM: Watch. [she exits down stairs, Hugh drops his head]
[CUT BACK TO: Inside Chandler's apartment. He pulls away from the
peephole, thinks, and then starts to reach for the doorknob. He thinks
better of it, and then goes back to the kitchen. He thinks, then walks
out into the hall. Hugh's door is closed, Chandler hesitates, then
knocks.]
HUGH: [emotionless] Hey. What's up.
CHAN: Uhhh... I, just wanted to... I guess, stop by, and... see....
what's up.
HUGH: Here's what's up... my woman just left me, and I've been trying
to make sense of it... and I can't. So... I'm gonna shoot Jack Daniels
'till I can't think straight.
CHAN: What good is that gonna do?
HUGH: Well, see, once I stop thinking rationally, I can see her side
of it.
[SCENE: Salinger's restaurant, now at a table. Monica and Emerald are
there with their dates, respectively, Mike and Eric (notice the
reader-friendly coincidental initial lettering... DS)]
ERIC: Hope you ladies weren't waiting long.
EMER: Not long at all.
ERIC: I thought maybe... after dinner, we could all go see the new
Jack Nicholson movie. I hear it's spectacular.
MNCA: He's good in everything, though.
MIKE: Hands down... the premiere actor of the decade.
[Emerald gives a knowing glance to Monica.]
EMER: [scoffs] Pffff.... you mean, premiere overactor.
ERIC: [shocked] You... you don't like Jack?
MIKE: You're crazy.
[Monica just looks at Emerald.]
EMER: Oh.. come on. "Here's Johnny?" Is that supposed to scare me?
[Mike and Monica stare at Eric.]
ERIC: I... I can see your point.
MNCA: [reacting] You see her point? That's one of the most intense
scenes ever!
ERIC: T-true, but... the... words, in and of themselves... aren't
scary. No one ever jumped back from Ed McMahon.
EMER: [rolls with it] See, now, Ed McMahon... there's talent for you.
Probably the best straight man in television history.
ERIC: [hearty laugh, agreeeing] Yes, yes, you could be correct about
that!
MIKE: [to Monica] So... Monica, if you don't mind me asking... what's
a woman like you doing on a blind date?
MNCA: [looks to him, then to Emerald] I... I just thought it would be
nice.
MIKE: I don't mean to embarrass you, but... you are absolutely
exquisite.
MNCA: Oh... that's sweet. [turns to Eric] So... Eric... how did you
and Emerald meet?
ERIC: [thinks] Let's see... it was a Friday, so... I must've been at
Barney's Blarney Bar.
EMER: Eric! It was the 16th Street Pub.
ERIC: [confused] A-are you sure?
EMER: Don't you think I'd remember?
MIKE: Wait a second... there's no pub on 16th Street.
EMER: Eric? [she looks at Monica] Back me up here?
ERIC: [to Mike] It's new.
MNCA: [to Emerald] I see your point.
MIKE: [to Emerald] Yes... yes, I suppose I see your point, too...
[SCENE: Hugh's apartment (Monica's and Rachel's old apartment).
Chandler and Hugh are drinking, Hugh's straight, Chandler's mixed with
Coke. Hugh has rap music on low in the background; for the C&M purists
out there, it's "Fish" (Ghostface Killah's Ironman album).]
CHAN: So...what happened? Did... did she think you cheated on her?
HUGH: [pause] Do you?
CHAN: I... I don't know. It's possible.
HUGH: How can you think it's possible, you don't even know me!
CHAN: Hey, hey, calm down... I meant physically possible.
HUGH: [sips] I wouldn't cheat on Kim. And she knew it. Nahh... she
left because I wouldn't marry her.
[Chandler's interest perks up.]
HUGH: But... it's not like I led her on... I told her I wasn't gonna.
Man, I even told her that right when we started goin' out. At first,
she wouldn't sleep with me, sayin' she was 'saving herself for
marriage.'
CHAN: Yet... she moved in with you?
HUGH: Well, as it turned out, she was really only savin' herself for a
Mercedes. Once I started buyin' her real diamonds... she figured we
were "married enough."
CHAN: [trying to console] For what it's worth... I'm sorry she left.
HUGH: [snickers] Don't be. I'm not.
CHAN: [surrpised] Why not? Didn't you love her?
HUGH: Yeah, I loved her... I really did love her. But... I didn't want
to be married to her. [pause] I want to get my own things straight
before I go and vow to obey somebody else.
CHAN: Yeah, but, but... look what happened! You... you lost her,
because you wouldn't commit.
HUGH: [hangs head] Uhhhh.. yeah, thanks, thanks for pourin' salt in
the fresh wound. [sighs] Know what, though? If we were really, truly
ready to be married... to love, and honor, and cherish forever... then
she wouldn't've run out like this. She would've stuck around like a
real woman until I felt ready. [he takes a drink] Y'know why half the
marriages in this country don't last three years? 'Cause people don't
really understand what it means to be married. They do it 'cause...
they think it'll make them feel secure about their relationship, like
marriage can make their love stronger. That's what Kim thought. But..
you gotta have that security before you get married, y'know what I'm
sayin'? Love makes marriage stronger. Never the other way around. [he
finishes his drink, pours another shot]
CHAN: [thinks] But... under that logic... no one would ever get
married.
HUGH: [raises new shot] I'll drink to that.
CHAN: [picks up his] Or... we could drink to my engagement.
HUGH: [stops raising glass] You and Monica?
CHAN: Yep.
HUGH: [as sincere as he can muster] Congratulations.
CHAN: One of these days... you'll change your mind about marriage.
HUGH: [chuckles] Yeah... I guess the right woman could change anyone's
mind about it.
[The phone rings. Hugh answers it.]
HUGH: Yes? [his face lights up] Kim?
[Chandler takes his cue, waves, gets up and leaves, not wanting to
intrude.]
HUGH: Baby, I'm so glad to h-- [pause, his face falls] No, I will not
wire you money for a plane ticket!! [he slams the phone down]
[SCENE: Women's bathroom. Emerald and Monica are there. Emerald is
freshening up, Monica is watching.]
EMER: Having fun?
MNCA: [sarcastic] Barrels. Doesn't it bother you that these guys are
agreeing with everything we say? I feel like I'm on a date with a
parrot.
EMER: Did I mention I really appreciate this?
MNCA: I hope so. I feel pretty crappy about it. I'm sure this guy's
expecting a goodnight kiss, or something.
EMER: Hey... it's his own fault. What's the first thing you're
supposed to do on a blind date? Check for a ring.
MNCA: I love the way you rationalize. [pause] You and Eric seem to be
hitting it off, though... I think you two look cute together.
EMER: [looks at her] I don't think so. He's... he's too... I don't
know, there's just... something wrong with him. I can't put my finger
on it.
MNCA: Y'know... it's possible he's a perfectly normal guy, and you're
just afraid he's not because of last week.*
[* Last week, Emerald's ex- almost set himself on fire. --continuity
Dan]
EMER: ...Maybe. So... you really think he's perfectly normal?
MNCA: As far as I can tell, yeah. [they start to exit the bathroom]
I'm not saying I'd testify to it...
[CUT TO: The table. Eric and Mike are standing, waiting for Monica and
Emerald, who walk over.]
MIKE: Hey. [puts Monica's jacket on her] Y'know... I was just telling
Eric, I love the way women always go to bathroom together. If you
think about it... it just makes so much more sense than going by
yourself.
[Monica and Emerald just stare at each other.]
EMER: Well... Eric... I had a good time. We should do this again some
time.
ERIC: You're giving me the brush-off this early? Come on, why don't we
go have a drink at my place. You'll like it. Lots of space.
EMER: [hesitant] W-well... actually, I--
[Monica nudges her with her elbow. Emerald looks at her.]
MNCA: [under her breath] nrml! nrml!
EMER: [to Eric] --why not. One drink won't hurt.
MIKE: Monica... I know this beautiful spot up on High View, if
you're--
MNCA: [cuts him off] No, I would, but, I have to be going now. I...
have a child at home.
MIKE: [surprised] You... oh, I... you never mentioned that. Don't...
don't you have a babysitter?
MNCA: Yeah... but... he needs me to rock him to sleep. I... had a good
time, though...
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, me too. We have so much in common.
MNCA: Yes, yes... practically everything.
[Mike, dismayed, still leans in to try and kiss Monica.]
MNCA: [backs away] Y'know... I... I'm.. not supposed to kiss anyone.
[she puts out her hand, gives him a handshake] Damn reconstructive lip
surgery.
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment. The place has been turned
upside-down, in Chandler's search for the mail key. Monica enters,
Chandler swivels the recliner to look at her.]
CHAN: Two hours, Mon. I've been looking for that key for two hours.
And y'know what? I'm beginning to doubt it ever really existed in the
first place.
MNCA: [takes off jacket] How could you lose our only key?? [she tosses
the jacket onto the table, something falls out of the pocket and makes
a metallic clink] Oh, hey... here it is.
CHAN: [eyes wide] Stop with the mind games, Mon! [he sits down at the
table] So... how was the date?
MNCA: Whoa... haven't heard you ask that one in a while. [she sits
across from him] Sweetheart... we really need to talk.
CHAN: [nervous] I swear, I have never seen that ashtray before in my
life.
MNCA: [unfazed] I've... been thinking. About what you said earlier...
and... [she stares at the ring]... just about everything.
CHAN: Honey... what's wrong?
MNCA: I... [she stares at him, then thinks better of it] ...nothing.
CHAN: Mon... whatever it is, you can tell me.
MNCA: [mildly frustrated] I would! Chandler.. I would love to tell
you. But... I... can't put it into words. I... I feel like... you only
asked me to marry you because you know how much I wanted to have
children.
[Chandler stares at her, then laughs.]
CHAN: Honey... why would I propose if I didn't want to?
MNCA: I'm not saying you don't want to get married. But...
Chandler.... I mean... it's just not you. A year ago, you're one of
the most commitment-fearing guys I know. And now, we've been going
out, what? five months? and you're proposing. It doesn't add up.
CHAN: Mon... you can hardly compare the last five months with the
other thirty-some years of my life. I mean... you're right, I was
scared of commitment a year ago. A year ago, I had no clue what a
healthy relationship was like. You want to know why I proposed? If I
said 'I love you'... it'd be the world's biggest understatement. I...
I get strength from you, Monica. I get hope from you. It's like...
when we're together, all of our worries, and... and insecurities, and
self-doubts... they all cancel each other out and we become regular
people.
[She smiles.]
MNCA: I'm not questioning what we have, Chandler. But... I can't help
the feeling this.. out-of-the-blue proposal... has something to do
with Richard.
CHAN: [wary] Richard? Wait... why are you bringing him up?
MNCA: I didn't. You did, remember? The same day you proposed.
[Chandler rises, a bit upset.]
CHAN: This isn't how engagement is supposed to work, Mon. It really
only involves one question, and I already popped it. Couldn't you just
say 'yes' and leave it at that?
MNCA: I'm sor--
CHAN: Why do you have to overanalyze everything!?
MNCA: I'm sorry! [raising voice] I'm just afraid you asked for the
wrong reasons!
CHAN: [loud] And I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you!
[There's a moment of silence. They look at each other, Chandler mildly
ashamed.]
MNCA: Well... now, we're getting somewhere.
[SCENE: The hallway in an apartment building (NOT Monica's). Emerald
and Eric are there, approaching a door.]
EMER: Look... I apologize for being so... wishy-washy at the
restaurant. I've... just had some bad experiences with guys lately.
ERIC: [puts key in lock] Hey... you don't have to justify anything.
[he jiggles the keys in the lock, the door opens] There's a lot of
psychos out there.
[The door opens, they enter his apartment. He turns on the light, and
we see that the entire apartment is covered in Jack Nicholson
memorabilia. There's posters practically from floor to ceiling, As
Good As It Gets, Witches of Eastwick, A Few Good Men, Batman, Wolf,
and a huge Shining poster on the back wall with Nicholson's eerie grin
peeking out from behind a split door.]
EMER: Oh... wow.
ERIC: [chuckles] Yeah... I'm sort of a, Nicholson fanatic. Hey...
didn't you say you didn't like him? [he closes door]
EMER: Uh, I... no... see... when I said that, it was actually... just
a lie.
ERIC: Hey. Relax. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. In my
opinion... he's practically a god.
EMER: [solemn, frightened] I'm sorry I took his name in vain.
ERIC: [confused] Huh?
EMER: [looks at Shining poster] This poster's extremely unsettling.
ERIC: But that's the point, Emerald. I mean, Nicholson can shift from
[points to As Good as It Gets poster] a sympathetic, romantic
character to a [points back to Shining poster] raving, delirious
maniac the next. He can switch personalities like that.
[He snaps his fingers in front of her, she jumps back a bit.]
ERIC: That's what makes him such a fine actor. Hey... why don't you
make yourself comfortable on the sofa? I've gotta go get something,
I'll be right back.
[She eyes him warily, starts towards sofa.]
ERIC: [excited] When I get back, we can re-enact my favorite scene.
[Eric exits off-scene into his bedroom. Panicked, Emerald darts for
the door. She tries to open it, but can't get the knob to turn. She
looks for a lock, can't find one. She wiggles the knob: nothing.
Panicked, she runs to the table near the sofa and finds a phone book
underneath. She hurriedly starts flipping through pages.]
EMER: [to herself] ...Geller... Geller....
[She finds the page, picks up phone, and quickly dials. She turns
around, checking for Eric, he's not there. She waits.]
[CUT TO: Hugh's apartment. He's lying on the couch, watching
Politically Incorrect. There's a near-empty bottle of Jack Daniels
visible on the table. The cordless phone rings. He answers. The screen
goes to a split-screen to show Hugh and Emerald both talking to each
other.]
HUGH: Hello?
EMER: [hushed] Chandler? Is that you?
HUGH: It's Hugh.
EMER: Who?
HUGH: Who are you?
EMER: This is Emerald. Where's Monica?
HUGH: Oh... right... you're the waitress. Yeah... this is Monica's old
apartment. She's--
EMER: Hugh, listen, I'm in trouble here. You have to find Monica.
HUGH: What's wrong?
EMER: I'm at this guy's place and he's gonna kill me! I insulted his
God!
HUGH: OK, OK, hold up... whose God you been insultin'?
EMER: Not yours, look, this is serious, he said he's gonna re-enact
his favorite Jack Nicholson scene.
HUGH: [pause] Hey... if it's from Easy Rider, I'm there.
EMER: [turns, sees him coming] Oh my God, here he comes! Cathedral
Apartments, room six, tell Monica! Hurry! [she hangs up the phone]
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the
arm of one of the recliners, head down, facing Monica. Monica is
standing near the counter.]
MNCA: So... from what I've determined so far... you've gone from being
afraid to commit... to being afraid to not commit.
CHAN: [sarcastic] We all have to grow up some time.
MNCA: Honey... please don't be upset with me.
CHAN: [stands] Upset? Why would I be? Oh... wait, you mean because
you're trying to back out of our marriage. Oh, yeah, I guess I am
upset.
MNCA: I am not backing out! [she holds up her hand] I want this ring!
And... you were right. It does belong on my finger. But... it needs to
be a symbol of your love, not a symbol of your fear!
CHAN: It's a symbol of our commitment, Mon. Without it... I'm
constantly on the brink of insane jealousy. That 'date' you went on
tonight? Normally... I would've been a wreck. But it didn't bother me
at all. You know why? Because we've committed to each other.
MNCA: [softly] Honey... we've been committed to each other for a long
time. God, Chandler... we've been through almost our entire lives
together. We've shared all our secrets. We've read each others
diaries.
CHAN: [defensive] Hey, hey, mine was a journal.
MNCA: [smiles] I even knew you were gonna say that. [she walks close
to him, brushes his hair] Do you know why this feels so right,
Chandler? Why it's so completely different from the dozens of other
horrible relationships we've gone through? The difference is... ours
took time. We built it. It might've grown slowly... but that's why
it's still standing, while all the others collapsed. It took us nearly
twenty years to even admit we had feelings. [beat] Granted, in a way,
that's pathetic.
[Chandler nods assent.]
MNCA: But... in a way, it's beautiful. It's almost like... nothing
ever needed to be admitted in the first place. And... now that I think
about it... that's why I'm so unsure about this proposal.
CHAN: [glances down, then back to her] You think I'm rushing things.
MNCA: Ask yourself something, Chandler. These past five months... with
us just living together, no talk about kids, or marriage, or anything
but the present... have you been happy?
CHAN: [pause] ...Couldn't be happier.
MNCA: Then why in the world would we want to change a thing?
CHAN: I... I guess... I'm afraid that... without that ring on your
finger... there's nothing to stop you from leaving me.
MNCA: I almost left you once before, remember? [beat] And I came right
back. [pause] It's not the ring that keeps me close, Chandler.
[She kisses him. He puts his arms around her.]
CHAN: [sarcastic] It's the foosball table, isn't it?
MNCA: [smiles] You caught me.
[SCENE: Eric's apartment. Eric and Emerald are dancing to candlelight.
In the background, waltz music plays; you recognize it as "Waltz to
the Death," composed by Danny Elfman, from the Batman motion picture
score. (It's a beautiful piece, you must try it.)]
ERIC: Good to see you've finally loosened up a bit.
EMER: Yeah... sorry about the mace.
ERIC: Ohh, that's OK... they're only contacts. Next time I'll tell you
when I'm about to pop the champagne.
EMER: So... which Nicholson movie is this?
ERIC: [he twirls her around] Batman. This is the rooftop sequence,
where Jack gets to dance with Kim Basinger. Of course... that's when
Batman swoops in. They never did get to end it properly.
EMER: How is it supposed to end?
ERIC: I'll show you.
[He bends down, picks Emerald up in his arms. Suddenly, from behind
him, the door to the apartment flies open, and Hugh stands there, foot
out-stretched in a Bruce Lee kick. Eric, still carrying Emerald, has
his back to Hugh.]
HUGH: [authority] Hey, hey, put the girl down, NOW!
[Eric lets go of Emerald, she drops to the ground behind the sofa with
a thud. Hugh walks in, grabs Eric by the lapels, turns him around, and
holds him menacingly up against the door.]
ERIC: [scared] D-Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me!
HUGH: [in his face] I'm not going to kill you. I'm just gonna whoop
your ass.
EMER: [stands] Wait, Hugh, stop! What are you doing?!?
HUGH: [stares at her] Coming to your rescue. You said this guy was a
lunatic.
ERIC: [to Emerald] You what?
EMER: I... I said... he might be a lunatic.
ERIC: Why?
HUGH: [lets go of Eric, looks around] Hey, face it... anyone with this
many pictures of another guy on his wall's got some problems. [pause]
Unless it's Michael Jordan, 'cause... y'know... that's different.
ERIC: [fixing his coat] Thanks for the vote of confidence, Emerald.
EMER: I... I was... I couldn't open the door! I thought you locked it!
ERIC: It sticks in the cold. What, you thought I was gonna kill you?
EMER: You... you said you were gonna do a Nicholson scene! He's always
a killer!
ERIC: [taken aback] Alright, enough is enough, first you think I'm
nuts, now you're calling Nicholson typecast?
HUGH: [to Emerald] Man, you made me come all the way out here for
nothin'?
EMER: [justifying] Hey, he could've been crazy!
ERIC: Looks like the only one who's crazy in this room is you. [turns
to Hugh] Although you're definitely on the bubble. And you can both
get out.
EMER: B-but... I... [she makes her way to outside the door]
ERIC: By the way, there's no club on 16th Street. I only agreed 'cause
I wanted to sleep with you.
[He closes the door on Emerald and Hugh. They are left standing in the
hall. They stare at each other.]
HUGH/EMER: [simultaneous] Sorry.
HUGH: Look... you want a ride home?
EMER: [self-pity] Nooo, that's OK... think I'll just walk. Might as
well get used to being alone.
HUGH: [rolls eyes] Hey, my girlfriend of four years left me earlier
today, and if I'm not depressed, there's no way you should be. I'm not
lettin' you walk home alone at night anyway, so... you might as well
take the ride. You'll like it, it's a Mercedes.
EMER: [intrigued] A Mercedes? I love Mercedes.
HUGH: Yeah... yeah, so did Kim. Alot. We had one custom made... it's a
690. And let me tell you, it handled great on the curves.
EMER: E-class?
HUGH: Nahh, more of a... petite C-class. [he laughs, she doesn't]
That's a joke.
EMER: [starts to laugh with him] Yes, yes... I see your point.
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Now Chandler and Monica are
dancing in the pale moonlight, and "Never Is A Promise" plays in the
background. (That song is available on Fiona Apple's Tidal album.)]
CHAN: So... what do we call this? Unengagement? Disengagement?
MNCA: We call it... a temporary rescission of the desire to get
married. [pause] At least 'til we're no longer satisfied with
premarital sex.
CHAN: You realize that could be a long time.
[There is a pause. She angles her head back to look at him.]
MNCA: We have all the time in the world.
[There is a pause. She returns her head to his chest.]
CHAN: I think we should make this official.
MNCA: You gonna kneel and ask me to not marry you?
CHAN: Hey... I knelt for the proposal. This is the unengagement,
everything should be reversed. This time, you're doin' the kneelin'.
MNCA: [smiles] Now, now... let's save that for the un-honeymoon.
[They kiss, continuing to dance. As the song nears its end, the camera
pans down to show Chandler and Monica's hands. Chandler begins to
slowly slide the wedding ring off of her finger. FADE OUT.]
"Starring":
Chandler Bing....................MATTHEW PERRY
Monica Geller....................COURTENEY COX
Emerald Waters......................NICOLE EGGERT
Hugh 'H-Bomb' Evans...........DAVID ALAN GRIER
Gunther Lockhart..........JAMES MICHAEL TYLER
Kim Randall.....................VICTORIA ROWELL
Written By
DAN SILVERSTEIN
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment, the next day (you can tell
because it's sunny out). Monica enters, with a good-sized stack of
mail. Chandler is working on his sketchpad.]
CHAN: Hey... I finished the logo design. Wanna see?
MNCA: Sure. [she looks at the pad] That was the old logo.
CHAN: What do you think?
MNCA: I like it.
[She puts away the key, starts to go through the mail.]
MNCA: Overdue bill, overdue bill... Playboy renewal notice...
CHAN: [urgency] Give me that!
MNCA: [picks out a large envelope] Hey, look at th-- is this what I
think it is?
[She shows it to Chandler. It's a large white envelope, held shut by a
round red seal. She opens it.]
MNCA: Oh my God! A wedding! We're going to a wedding!!
CHAN: [looks at invite] No way, he's getting married?!? [looks closer]
In eight hours!
[They dart into the bedroom, camera following. Monica starts unpacking
drawers, lying clothes on the bed in piles. Chandler picks up the
phone.]
CHAN: [dialing] I'll have to see if Gunther can handle the place.
[Monica continues to lay clothes on the bed.]
CHAN: Honey... we're not gonna be gone that long... what are you, Mrs.
Howell? [into phone] Gunther... yeah, Monica and I are going to a
wedding. Can y-- oh, for God's sake, stop crying! No, no, look... can
you watch the place for today? We should be back some time tomorrow...
[pause, outraged] A ten percent raise?!?
MNCA: The guy's never even gotten a ten percent tip.
CHAN: [in phone] Forget it, Gunther. No way. I'm not budging. [pause]
N-no, no, OK, tell you what, promise not to leave, and I'll give you
five percent. [pause] OK, ten. [he hangs up]
MNCA: [sarcastic] You're a rock.
CHAN: Remind me to fire him when we get back.
MNCA: [looking around] Where's our luggage? Oh... wait a second... I
just remembered, I lent it to Kim when they went to the Carribbean.
CHAN: [stares at her] Kim's gone. [snaps fingers] I knew that luggage
looked vaguely familiar.
MNCA: She took our luggage?! [stressed] Great. Wonderful. There's no
way we're gonna make it there in eight hours.
CHAN: Umm... actually... y'know what else I just remembered? Last
night was Daylight Savings Time, and we forgot to set the clocks
ahead. We really only have seven hours.
MNCA: [stares hard] OK.. you're gonna have to shut up.
END OF EPISODE 1.11
--
j./Lo confesso: vado in giro con una gigantesca pancia finta.
Powered by NGQ™ [Next Generation Quoting v.1.4] . Tessera #1,5 ASS-FC
Still alive (very alive) on Friday at 14.54.40 - http://www.iftf.it