[FANFIC] Chandler and Monica Ep 101 - Business & Pleasure
jAsOn
"Business & Pleasure"
Written by Dan Silverstein.
Original Postdate: November 1, 1997.
Chandler & Monica is based on characters, events, and places from the
NBC sitcom Friends, created by Marta Kauffman, David Crane, and Kevin
Bright, as well as all three parts of The Last One, written by Dan
Silverstein.
[SCENE: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler (CHAN) is sound asleep, the
covers in disarray. The door is open.
Monica (MNCA) walks in, fully dressed, looks like she's ready for a
business meeting. She proceeds to shake Chandler awake. 7:13 AM,
November 1.]
MNCA: Honey! Honey, wake up!
CHAN: [out of it] Whaaaaaat.
MNCA: [persistent] Come on, it's time to get up!
CHAN: Did you and the alarm clock flip for it?
MNCA: The alarm clock doesn't go off for another hour. I figured we'd
go get some coffee before you go to work.
CHAN: I drink coffee to stay awake. You're kinda defeating the
purpose.
MNCA: You wouldn't have time otherwise. Come on, let's go!
CHAN: [sigh] How come you're up so early, anyway?
MNCA: [brushes off skirt] I've got that job interview at eight,
remember? That French-style pizzeria down the street.
CHAN: Chez Cheese? [beat] I thought that was a waitressing job.
MNCA: [down] It is.
CHAN: Monica... you're not a waitress. You're a cook.
MNCA: Look, I can't afford to be picky, OK? I'd rather be working with
food than working for food.
CHAN: For the millionth time... you don't need to worry about money.
MNCA: [sits down on edge of bed] That's very sweet... but I'm not
planning to live off yours. I... kinda enjoy spending
my own. [thinks] It's so depressing, though... I can make over a
hundred dishes, and all I've got to show for it in the past
six years is a pair of rubber boobs. [stops, glances at Chandler's
pillow] Which you're sleeping on.
[She reaches behind his head and pulls out a fake breast.]
CHAN: [sneaky] Hey, that's not a throw pillow.
MNCA: OK, where's the other one?
CHAN: In the kitchen. I'm using it as a sponge.
MNCA: Great. We can start filming Debbie Does Dishes.
CHAN: [smiles] Well... good luck on the interview. I wish I could help
you get a decent job.
MNCA: You could come get coffee with me. It's a start.
CHAN: [pats her leg] OK... just give me a minute to get up.
[She leans over and kisses him on the mouth.]
MNCA: Are you up yet?
CHAN: [pause] That would be two yesses.
[Monica smiles, and walks out of the room. Chandler gets out of bed,
and stretches.]
CHAN: Nothing against Joey... but you're a much better roommate.
[OPENING CREDITS: As the first scene fades out, the opening guitar
riff of "Oh! Darling" (track
4 on Abbey Road, by the Beatles) strums. The opening verse to the song
plays while the show's
opening sequence starts... Matthew Perry's name floats lazily across
the screen from right to left,
as Courtney Cox's name floats from left to right. The six-feathered
NBC peacock logo at the bottom right corner of the screen fades in,
and the bottom two 'feathers' break away and 'fall' to the bottom of
the screen. Then, the next two feathers up from those two break away
and 'fall.' The remaining two peacock feathers (which, coincidentally
enough, look like a heart) begin to float upwards, and
the heart turns red as it floats to the top of the screen and
vanishes. Meanwhile, "Oh! Darling"
is nearing the end of the first verse, and the Chandler & Monica logo
has begun to draw itself
on the screen. When the logo is complete, it glistens (a la the Cheers
logo). The song cuts to the
beginning of the final verse ("Believe me, darlin'") and the screen
fades to... ]
[SCENE: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are both seated at the
couch, Chandler's dressed for work, Monica's dressed for her
interview. They don't have any coffee yet, and Chandler looks
extremely tired. 8:00 AM.]
MNCA: I love it early in the morning. The sun, just coming up... the
dew on the grass... not a soul out on the streets...
CHAN: [grumpy] Maybe that should tell you something.
[GUNTHER (played by James Michael Tyler) comes over, with an order
pad.]
GUNTH: Good morning. What can I get you two?
MNCA: Mmm.. let me get a small mocha with cinnamon.
CHAN: Small cappuccino, with a double shot of espresso.
GUNTH: [to Chan] Anything else? Cream? Sugar? Coupl'a new ventricles?
CHAN: Bring the sugar. Hold the heart.
GUNTH: [about to leave, then, as if he just remembered] So...
Monica... how's Rachel? She.. still engaged?
MNCA: [matter-of-fact] Yeah. Why wouldn't she be?
GUNTH: [playing it off] Oh, hey, just checking. Ya never know who
could be out there, performing some exotic Tibetan ritual to put a hex
on her engagement. [starts to walk off, then, under his breath] A hex
that obviously doesn't work.
CHAN: [to Monica, confidential] Is it just me, or is he really creepy?
MNCA: Now that I think about it, I haven't seen Rachel in, like, over
a week.
CHAN: I haven't seen much of her or Ross since they moved into their
house. I wonder if he's upset with me.
MNCA: For what?
CHAN: Well... come on. You and me, sleeping together? Any day now,
he's gonna take back my half of our "Best
Friends" charm.
MNCA: Chandler, what we do together is none of his business. If he's
mad about it, he's going to have to get over it. [beat] At least,
that's what Scarface's sister said.
CHAN: [smiles at the joke] So have you heard from Phoebe lately?
MNCA: I talked to her a few days ago. She said she wrote me some
letters, but they all got returned. She kept sending them to my E-Mail
address.
CHAN: Good to see living in Connecticut hasn't changed her.
MNCA: [nostalgic] I really hate not having any girlfriends around to
talk to.
CHAN: Hey, you're a very likable person. Go out and make some new
ones.
MNCA: It'd be easy, if I had a job. Outside of work, I don't know
where to meet women.
CHAN: Every day, we have more in common.
[GUNTHER comes over, with two cups of coffee.]
GUNTH: Here you go. [puts one in front of Monica, then, to Chandler]
Be careful, it's hot. Although if you're not
concerned about your heart, you probably don't worry much about your
tongue. [sets it down]
MNCA: [curious] Gunther, does Karen still work here?
GUNTH: Yeah. But she's been sick for a while. [beat] Pretty much since
she got her first paycheck.
MNCA: Isn't that what happened to the last three waitresses?
CHAN: [sarcasm] I tell ya, those germs really start flyin' on payday.
GUNTH: Yeah, well, the owner better replace Karen soon. Gunther is
tired of waiting on people.
[A voice from somewhere else in the place pipes up.]
VOICE: Well, we're tired of waiting on Gunther!
GUNTH: [walking away, under his breath] Right. She needs more
caffeine.
CHAN: [excited] Honey, did you hear that? They need a waitress here!
[Monica gives Chandler a blank stare: 'So?']
CHAN: And you need a job!
[Monica continues to stare, rolls tongue over her teeth.]
CHAN: See the connection? [gestures hands back and forth, trying to
show the link]
MNCA: I may be desperate for work, but I'm never working here.
CHAN: Last week, you had an interview at Bagelstar Galactica.
MNCA: Chandler, if I work here, I'll be bitter and miserable.
CHAN: What makes you think that?
[CUT TO: Gunther, taking an order at one of the other tables.]
GUNTH: I just told you what kind of pastries we have. You want to
listen this time?
[CUT BACK TO: Chandler and Monica, at couch.]
CHAN: Good answer.
[SCENE: The office of Chandler's boss, Doug (played by Sam McMurray).
This is the butt-slapping guy
from one of the third season shows. As the scene fades in, Chandler
enters, hyper due to the coffee. 9:37 AM.]
CHAN: [chipper] You wanted to see me, sir?
DOUG: [suspicious] Bing, are you high?
CHAN: Just coffee, sir.
DOUG: [relief] Oh, whew, yes, that's good. Last thing I need is for
the company to start mandatory drug testing. Have a seat, Bing.
CHAN: [starts to sit] OK, before you say a word... I don't even have a
key to the women's bathroom.
DOUG: Bing... I want to congratulate you on the fine job youve done
this quarter. You're really indispensable when it comes to... typing
stuff into the computer.
CHAN: Oh, come on. A chimp could do it.
DOUG: Well then, you're the most productive chimp in the office!
[beat] In all honesty, Chandler... I do appreciate the quality of your
work. And... because you bust your ass, I'm gonna do something for
you.
CHAN: Doug... the butt thing is getting real old.
DOUG: [straightforward] How'd you like to own your own business?
CHAN: [pause, thinks, stands up, bends over] Alright, one more.
DOUG: Sit down. [Chandler sits] [angry] Bing, the IRS was an idea
stolen directly from the plans of Joseph Stalin. I have a few
businesses of my own, y'see. But these crooks in the government tax me
so much, it's cheaper for me to not own all of them. [pause] I have so
much money, they're making me give some away! What kind of country do
we live in?
CHAN: [incredulous] You want to give me one of your businesses?
DOUG: Well, nothing big. Overhead's low... you might make a decent
profit. It's a nice little eatery in the city.
CHAN: A restaurant? You're giving me a restaurant?
DOUG: I knew your girlfriend had some experience in the food sector.
It's like they say, Bing... 'Tis better to give than to
keep what's not cost-effective.
CHAN: [excited] Sir, that's--this is great! Monica's wanted a chef
position for years!
DOUG: Chef? Wouldn't she rather be the manager?
CHAN: Manager?
DOUG: Well, you certainly can't keep mine. I'm transferring him over
to.. [struggles to remember name] some other place I own. [reaches in
desk, pulls out a thick stack of papers] Here's the paperwork. You
just have to sign that last page--
[Chan grabs the papers, doesn't glance at the contract, and flips to
the last page.]
CHAN: Sir, I... I don't... I don't even know what to say! This is too
good to be true!
DOUG: Bing, if you think that way, then nothing too good ever happens.
CHAN: [starts to read contract, eyes widen] I didn't know you owned
this place.
DOUG: I don't. [gives him a pen] You do.
[Chandler takes the pen, scribbles out a signature, and quickly hands
back the contract, still hyper, now not from the caffeine but from his
excitement. Doug retrieves the signed contract, and gives Chandler a
copy of the paperwork. Doug pushes the button on his intercom.]
DOUG: [to intercom] Louise?
VOICE: Yes?
DOUG: Start making weaker coffee.
[SCENE: The street outside. Monica is returning from her interview.
Karen (played by Teri Hatcher) is searching through some clothes racks
outside one of the stores. Monica sees her. 11:00 AM.]
MNCA: Karen?
KAREN: [recognition] Oh, hi! You're... [tries to remember name]
...small mocha with cinnamon!
MNCA: [smiles] It's Monica. [puts out hand] But you finally got my
order right..!
KAREN: [shaking her hand] So... what are you up to?
MNCA: Oh, I just had a job interview.
KAREN: You too, huh? [worn out] I've been interviewing all week. I
hate it, but, hey, it's better than that horrible waitress job.
[pause] So, what position were you interviewing for?
MNCA: [beat] Plumber.
KAREN: And how are things with.. [tries to remember] that guy with all
the jokes?
MNCA: [informing] Chandler. [emotional] Things are wonderful with
Chandler. I've never been so happy in a relationship. [pause] Probably
because of all the jokes.
KAREN: [hiding envy] Huh. Well... the jerk I was living with for the
last six months dumped me for some little slut in the
city. [pause, sad] You know, every time I hear a Jewel song, I start
bawling? [unemotional] But I'm glad you're happy.
MNCA: [feeling for her] I'm sorry to hear that.
KAREN: [down] I... thought maybe going shopping would make me feel
better, but...
MNCA: [identifying] ...My friend Rachel's the same way. [pause]
Listen... I was planning to go to the mall later... do you want to
come with? It might help you stop thinking about...
KAREN: [almost crying] ...Sam.... [sob]
[Monica looks around for a tissue or something, then picks a scarf off
a nearby rack and gives it to her. Karen wipes her eyes on it.]
MNCA: Look, I'm gonna go home, change, take a shower, and then we'll
go.
KAREN: [wiping eyes] No.. no... I'm OK.
MNCA: Are you sure?
KAREN: [blows nose] Yeah.
MNCA: [points down the street] I'm over in that apartment building,
room 20. If you change your mind... please, come on
up.
KAREN: [getting hold of herself] I appreciate the offer, really, I do.
[convincing] As soon as I buy something, I'll be fine.
MNCA: OK. [starts to go, then] You might want to start with the scarf.
[SCENE: Chandler's work. Chandler is standing by the water cooler,
smiling from ear to ear. He notices one of his assistants, Brad
(played by David Strickland from Suddenly Susan) walking across the
office. Chandler confronts him. 11:32 AM.]
CHAN: Hey, yo, Brad! Think you can have those numbers in by five? I've
got to get the WENUS up by Friday.
BRAD: [condescending] Excuse me?
CHAN: The Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics. They've got to be
done every week. As the title would suggest.
BRAD: Oh. So you didn't read the note yet.
CHAN: [confused] Look, I'm gonna need those numbers, I don't care what
your mommy says.
BRAD: [with relish] You shouldn't insult your superiors, Bing.
CHAN: Superior?
BRAD: You really should read your memos more often. [produces a pad of
paper, makes a check mark on it] That's one demerit.
CHAN: Wait a second. When did you get a promotion?
BRAD: Two days ago. [beaming] And I've only been here eighteen months!
[pulls out a card from his pocket] Even got business cards with my new
title. [gives Chandler a card] What do you think?
CHAN: [looks at card, bitter, through gritted teeth] Well deserved.
BRAD: [noticing his coldness] Now, I know you don't think I'm the
prime candidate for this promotion...
CHAN: [interrupting] Not even in the top forty.
BRAD: [makes another mark in his pad, then continues] I don't want
there to be any friction between the two of us. This office is
supposed to be like a team.
CHAN: [cooling off a bit] Yeah. You're right.
BRAD: And this team can't win a championship if all the veterans like
you are insanely jealous of the rookies with much bigger contracts.
[boastful] Like me.
[Chandler gives an extremely false smile, and Brad turns and starts to
leave. Chandler angrily sticks one end of Brad's business card in his
mouth and rips the card in half with a jerk of his head. Brad turns
back around, but doesn't see what happened.]
BRAD: One other thing. I'm gonna need the WENUS up by five.
CHAN: [upset, but helpless] I'll get the ball rolling.
[SCENE: Chandler's apartment. This is the first time you've seen it
since The Last One, and you immediately notice the little
differences... the bulky wooden entertainment cabinet is gone,
replaced by a sleek black one that doesn't cover both bedroom doors.
The old kitchen table from Monica's apartment across the hall has been
moved in, along with some of Monica's other assorted knick-knacks; the
blue glasses, the frame around the peephole, the CD rack. The foosball
table is still there, of course, along with the matching black
recliners and the porcelain dog that Ross bought for Joey. Monica
enters, and hits the button the answering machine. She starts to
straighten up a little while she listens to the playback. 12:16 PM.]
[Answering Machine] You have two new messages.
[CHAN's voice] Hey, Mon, it's your boyfriend. Just calling to say I
have news you're not going to believe. I want to
tell you in person, so I'm not going to spoil it, but you can start
throwing away the classifieds. [Monica's face lights up] I'll see you
when I get home. Love you. [pause] By the way... sorry about spilling
that bleach on the carpet. [BEEP]
[Monica's eyes get wide, she starts searching up and down the carpet
for the stain, muttering to herself, exasperated. The machine beeps
again.]
[CHAN's voice] [holding back laughter] Just kidding about the bleach.
[Monica shoots an irritated glance at the machine. She walks into the
bathroom, shuts the door, and we hear the water in the shower start to
run. There is a knock on the door a few seconds later. There is
another knock, louder this time. The knob starts to turn and a
beautiful blonde woman walks in (played by Drew Barrymore), wearing a
long, black raincoat.]
WOMAN: [peeking her face in door] Joey? Jooooo-eeeeeey??
[The woman walks into the apartment, closes the door behind her.]
WOMAN: [towards bathroom] Joey, are you in the shower?
[She gets no answer. She crosses the apartment to Joey's bedroom.]
WOMAN: [to self] Take your time. I'll wait 'til you get out... all hot
and wet.
[The woman walks into Joey's room, and we see the raincoat tossed
casually onto one of the black recliners. Then the door shuts. A few
seconds later, the shower stops, and then Monica exits the bathroom
wearing only a towel wrapped around her. Monica starts to head into
Chandler's bedroom, then notices that Joey's door is closed. We see
her look: 'Wasn't that door open before?' She apprehensively
approaches the bedroom door. We hear the woman's voice, muffled,
behind the door.]
WOMAN: [behind door] Joey... I'm aching for you!
[Monica opens the door, and is momentarily shocked.]
WOMAN: [just her voice] You're not Joey!
MNCA: [tilts her head downwards, annoyed] Yeah? You're not a real
blonde.
WOMAN: [still just her voice] What are you doing here? Where's Joey?
MNCA: Joey moved to Los Angeles. [pause] He did a pretty lousy packing
job.
[The woman (Barrymore) comes to the door of the room, wearing a
blanket presumably off Joey's bed.]
WOMAN: [shocked, hurt] He went to Los Angeles? He never told me he was
going anywhere!
MNCA: Maybe he was afraid you'd show up at LAX naked.
[Monica grabs her raincoat of the recliner and gives it to her. She
takes it and puts it on. The woman starts to walk
out of the room, and then her and Monica get to talking.]
WOMAN: [justifying] I don't do this often, OK? I... hadn't seen Joey
in a few weeks, and... I kinda... got desperate. Do you know him?
MNCA: Uh... yeah.
WOMAN: See, then you understand. I can't believe he just left, and
didn't call me.
MNCA: He's a real enigma.
WOMAN: Were you a friend of his or something?
MNCA: Yeah, for like, eight years. I'm dating Chandler, his old
roommate.
WOMAN: Oh. I never met Chandler. I always came by while he was at
work. Does he have a body like Joey's?
MNCA: [thinks] ...Essentially.
WOMAN: [fawning] Is he as smart as Joey?
MNCA: [pause, then] ...Tribbiani?
[There's a knock on the door. Monica starts to get a little nervous.]
WOMAN: Who's that?
MNCA: This girl I met... I invited her to the mall...
WOMAN: [leaving] Sorry for the misunderstanding. I'm gonna...
[Monica intrudes between her and the door.]
MNCA: No. Wait! You're staying in there! [points to bedroom] I'm not
explaining what you're doing here to someone I just barely met!
WOMAN: [not seeing a problem] Just say we're roommates.
[Monica looks back and forth at their attire. Monica is wearing a
towel, the woman is wearing a black leather raincoat and nothing
else.]
MNCA: Roommates, or playmates? [the woman still doesn't see a problem]
What do I say happened to our clothes?
WOMAN: [thinks, then, triumphant] ...Moths.
[There is another knock at the door.]
MNCA: [herding her into the bedroom] I'm gonna tell her I'll meet her
downstairs, OK? Don't come out.
[Monica shuts the bedroom door, and then opens the front door. It's
Karen (Teri Hatcher), who was just about to walk away.]
MNCA: Karen! Hi! I... didn't think you were coming...
KAREN: I wasn't going to, but... [teary-eyed] someone drove by playing
"You Were Meant For Me"... and I realized I need a mall.
MNCA: Oh. OK. Well, um... why don't I meet you downstairs?
KAREN: No problem. I'll let you get dressed. [turns to leave, then
smells something] Are you wearing CK-1?
MNCA: [covering] Uh... I must be. [pause] I am the only one here.
[The bedroom door opens, and the blonde in the raincoat stands,
looking at Monica and Karen.]
MNCA: ...by the door.
WOMAN: Karen?
KAREN: [incredulous] Sam?!? [looks at Monica] So this is the slut you
left me for?!?
[Karen and Sam just stand, looking at each other. Monica is extremely
uncomfortable.]
MNCA: OK, Karen... I know how this looks, but... it's not what you
think. This is my roommate... [looks at Sam, then back to Karen]
and... see... we both wear a lot of wool...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Chandler & Monica will be back in a few lines... but after you've
finished reading this episode, why not
check out some of the finer Web sites dedicated to the inspiration
behind this series: Friends?
You Gotta Have Friends Online Fan Club
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One other thing: lots and lots of people will be reading upcoming
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school, so don't try and jerk me around.
We now return you to you the premiere episode of Chandler & Monica!
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment, a few seconds after we last
left off. Karen (Teri Hatcher) just walked in on Monica and Sam (Drew
Barrymore), the former in a towel and the latter in a raincoat. We've
also found out that Sam is the lover Karen's been crying about the
whole damn show. It's up to Monica
to iron the whole thing out. 12:22 PM.]
SAM: Karen, calm down. Monica and I are not sleeping together.
KAREN: [exaggerating] Oh! Yeah, silly me. How could I think that?
SAM: I swear to you. I'm being honest.
KAREN: Then what are you doing here in your little Seattle hooker
outfit?
SAM: [stung] Alright, fine, Karen. You want the truth? I did come here
for sex. [gestures to Monica] But not with her.
MNCA: See, I'm not gay.
KAREN: [eyes Monica] That's a damn shame.
MNCA: [discomfort] We-e-e-lll... now that we've established that I
have nothing to do with this situation whatsoever, I... suppose you
two can kinda...
KAREN: [to Sam, ignoring Monica] So where is she?
SAM: [matter-of-fact] California. Except it's a he, not a she.
KAREN: [shocked] A man? You dumped me for a man?
SAM: No, Karen... I dumped you because I can't stand you!!
[Sam retreats back into the bedroom, and shuts the door.]
KAREN: [yelling, towards door] Let's see a man do the baton trick!
MNCA: [trying to referee] Karen, listen, I... I really think you and
Sam need to... sit down and talk this out. Preferably elsewhere.
KAREN: [sits down, defeated] What's the use? She obviously doesn't
want anything to do with me. Or my
gender. [self-pity] Men have it so easy. All the good women are either
straight, or married.
MNCA: [insistent] Why don't you talk to her? At least tell her what
you're thinking.
KAREN: Monica, I appreciate the advice... but... you're not gay.
MNCA: [takes it as an insult] So what?
KAREN: So you don't understand our relationships. There's a whole
different set of rules.
MNCA: Hel-lo. It's not like I'm completely ignorant of the rules. My
brother's ex-wife got married to another woman.
KAREN: [unimpressed] So what does that make you? A lesbian-in-law?
MNCA: [stands] Just give it a chance, OK? [she walks over to the
closed bedroom door, starts speaking through it] Sam? Sam? [no answer]
Why don't you come out of there? Karen wants to talk.
SAM: [peeks head through door] You can tell Karen to go twirl a baton.
[she shuts the door again]
MNCA: [more forceful] OK, look. You're gonna have to come out of
there, sooner or later! Preferably sooner.
SAM: [yells from door] Not until she is gone!
KAREN: [stands, yells] Oh yeah? Well I'm not leaving until Monica
throws me out! [to Monica, quietly, pleading]
Please don't throw me out! If... If I leave, then she'll leave, and...
I might never see her again. And... I don't think
I want that to happen.
MNCA: [giving pep talk] You need to tell her that. If you still love
her, march in there and make it work! [Karen
looks unconvinced] Who will save your soul, if you don't save your
own?
KAREN: [looks up at Monica, as if energized, then] What's that
supposed to mean?
[SCENE: Chandler's office. Chandler is seated at his desk. His boss,
Doug (Sam McMurray) enters. 1:45 PM.]
DOUG: Bing? You wanted to say something to me?
CHAN: Uhhh.. yeah, Doug, I did. [picks up Brad's promotion note and
shows it to Doug] What's this all about?
DOUG: [takes note, stares at it for 3 seconds] Well, y'see, sometimes
certain people need to know certain things, so I leave one of these on
their desk. [pause] 'Course, usually you don't read 'em.
CHAN: [betrayed] I'm talking about Brad's promotion. How could you
pass me over?
DOUG: Come on, Bing. How many times do we have to go over this?
CHAN: Once would be nice.
DOUG: I already told you how indispensable a processor you are! If I
promoted you, it might take months to hire a decent replacement. You
do far too much of the work for me to promote you.
CHAN: [sarcasm] Guess I better start slacking off now if I wanna make
partner.
DOUG: Look, I know you deserve a promotion. But the company needs you
where you are. And, no, it's not fair to you. That's why I gave you
first crack at that restaurant. That place pulls in a solid thirty
thousand a year. Now that's better than any raise I'd ever give you.
CHAN: Oh, I realize that, sir. It's just that... I mean... is this
position as high as I'll ever go here?
DOUG: [evasive] At the present time, I need you to remain in
processing.
CHAN: [interpreting the answer] Y'know, Doug... eight years ago, when
I quit, you told me to stay with this company because of the
advancement opportunities. And now I'm taking orders from guys who are
eight years younger.
DOUG: [defensive] Hey, we pay you well. What else do you want?
CHAN: I want to do more than just type stuff.
DOUG: We let you tell other people to type stuff, too.
CHAN: [reflective] I should be doing something... real. Something I
enjoy.
DOUG: [annoyed] Nobody enjoys data processing, Bing! But it has to get
done. We all have to do things we don't enjoy! That's how we earn
money!
CHAN: [pause] Well... after weighing my salary against my lack of
contentment... I don't think it's cost-effective for me to stay here.
DOUG: Now, Bing... don't rush into anything you might regret later.
CHAN: The only thing I regret... is not rushing into it sooner. I'm
giving my notice.
[SCENE: Chandler & Monica's apartment. Monica (who has taken the time
to get dressed) and Karen are seated at the table, drinking some type
of alcohol (I'm not familiar with the name brands; personally, I never
touch the stuff). 2:30 PM.]
KAREN: [melancholy] This is all my fault.
MNCA: Karen... I don't get this. She's the one who slept with someone
else, right? So why is she the one who's upset, and you're the one who
feels guilty? [realizes] God, I really don't know your rules.
KAREN: I feel guilty because it's my fault. If I had paid her a little
more attention, this... horrible, snaky guy wouldn't've been able to
just... jump in and steal her away.
MNCA: Yeah, Joey's always had a knack for that.
KAREN: [to-the-point] I took her for granted, and she left me. I drove
her away. [pause] Monica, I'm so sorry to intrude on you like this.
I'm... I'm gonna go. [eyes watery, she rises]
MNCA: [stands, doesn't want her to leave upset] I didn't think you
were a quitter. [pause] Except for the waitress job.
KAREN: I'm not quitting. I have nothing to say to her. [starts to go,
then stops at the door] No. Wait. [turns back to Monica] Monica, you
made a good point. I do have something to say. She's the one who
cheated. [fired up] I'm the one who should be angry, not her.
[Karen storms past, towards Joey's closed bedroom door. Monica is a
little upset with herself for activating the dormant volcano.]
MNCA: [as Karen storms by] Uh... that was just an observation...
[Monica, fearing Karen is about to get into a fistfight, tries to stop
her, but Karen gets to the bedroom door and throws it open. Monica
turns back around and goes towards the kitchen, not wanting to get
involved now.]
KAREN: [angry] OK, Sam, you win. I'm leaving! I hope you're happy!
But... before I go.. I just wanted to tell you...
[softens] um... that... you will never know how much I hate myself for
pushing you away... and I love you. Can we... please... talk for a few
minutes?
[Sam comes to the bedroom door in her raincoat, touched.]
SAM: I guess.
[Karen goes in the bedroom, the door starts to close.]
MNCA: [wanting them out] Actually, if you two could...
[The door closes. Monica puts her head down: Why dont they listen to
me? She brings the wine glasses to the sink, and then purposefully
walks to the bedroom door.]
MNCA: [sigh] OK, look, you guys have already been here for three
hours...
[Throws open bedroom door, we see her sudden start of shock and
disgust.]
MNCA: ...so what's another twenty minutes. [she closes the door again,
puts her back to it, and shakes, grossed out.]
[From behind the closed bedroom door, we hear Sam's voice:]
SAM: [voice] No, we should not ask her to join!
[SCENE: Chandler's boss Doug's office. He is seated. Chandler enters,
in much brighter spirits, with a stack of forms. 4:30 PM.]
CHAN: Sir, I need to get your Hancock on the WENUS. [hands over the
papers]
DOUG [unamused, signing] Bing... I've thought about it, and... against
my better judgment... stay with us and I'll throw another fifteen
percent on your salary.
CHAN: [not even fazed] Doug... I've been a data processor for long
enough.
DOUG: [thinking he's crazy] Oh, I forgot. [mocking] You need to love
what you're doing! [picks up phone] Here, let me call Santa and see if
he's got an opening in the workshop!
CHAN: [takes papers] Alright, sir... I'll see you tomorrow. Tell Santa
I said 'ho.'
DOUG: [defeated] How much do you want, Chandler?
CHAN: Some things aren't about money.
DOUG: I went to business school at Dartmouth, Bing, and I spent four
years learning that's just not true.
CHAN: [contented] All I know is... it feels great knowing I only have
two weeks left here.
DOUG: [reality] And what happens two weeks after that, when your
rent's due?
CHAN: Hey, I'm not worried. I've got a restaurant.
DOUG: A restaurant that's lucky to net thirty a year. Christ, Bing...
I spend more than that on gum.
CHAN: [sarcasm] I've heard good things about that new Carefree
sugarless patch.
DOUG: [straightforward] You've got no idea how to run a business.
CHAN: [proud] How do you know? The only thing you know about me is
that I can type.
DOUG: You think you can run a restaurant because you have experience
eating in them?
CHAN: [walking out] We'll see.
DOUG: [last-ditch effort] You're overlooking one tiny detail, Bing!
[Doug opens his desk drawer and pulls out his copy of the contract
that Chandler signed.]
DOUG: The clause in your contract which explicitly states that
ownership of that restaurant is fully contingent upon your continued
employment with Frontier Data Processing.
CHAN: [scared, typical "flustered Chandler"] Where, where, where does
it say that?
DOUG: [flipping pages, laughs evilly] Right here, on... [flips another
page] ...eh... looks like that clause wasn't added in the contract.
[defeated] You win this round, Bing! [hits intercom buttom on desk]
Louise? Find me a new lawyer.
[SCENE: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are seated at the couch.
Chandler is still dressed in a suit.
5:45 PM.]
MNCA: ...so, it turns out the two of them wind up having sex in Joey's
bed.
CHAN: [triumphant] I knew it! I knew it! It's not Joey... it's the
room!
MNCA: [they sit] Excuse me?
CHAN: [to himself] And that makes sense too, because Kip had alot of
sex... [to Monica] God, Mon, if I hadn't taken the room on the
right...
MNCA: [finishing] ...Then I'd be sleeping in Joey's room.
[They both smile at each other. Chandler drops the subject.]
MNCA: Why is it every time the idea of two women in bed together comes
up, you start to drool?
CHAN: No, that's not true. Everytime that idea comes up, the idea of a
threesome comes up. Then I start to drool.
MNCA: What's so great about a threesome?
CHAN: [pause] Two heads are better than one. Look, are you ready for
my announcement?
MNCA: I guess. Why did you have to tell me here?
CHAN: Because I wanted you to hear when I told everyone else.
MNCA: [apprehensive] Whoa... told everyone else what?
CHAN: You'll see.
[He starts to get up, she grabs his arm.]
MNCA: Chandler... before you say anything, I will kill you if you
propose in a coffeehouse.
[Chandler walks up to the stage and takes the microphone.]
CHAN: [in microphone] Ladies and gentlemen... if I could have your
attention, please... [looks up, towards the counter] Gunther, could
you hold on a second with the hook?
[CUT TO: Gunther, holding a long hook, like in The Gong Show. He looks
out of patience. He sighs, and stands the hook up, waiting.]
CHAN: [in mike] I've got a quick announcement. Starting today, my
girlfriend Monica and I have assumed full ownership of Central Perk!
[he pulls a rolled-up sheaf of papers from inside his jacket and shows
it to everyone]
MNCA: [disbelief] Say that again?
CHAN: [points out Monica, in a Rick Dees voice] Everyone, say hi to
Monica Geller, your new manager!
CROWD: [as one voice] Hi, Monica!
[Monica gets up from the couch and goes up to Chandler at the stage.]
MNCA: You bought this place? Are you nuts?!?
[Chandler looks, notices the microphone was still on.]
CHAN: [into mike] Yes, Monica, I am nuts... nuts about the creamy
double lattes. [turns microphone off] Mon, I
didn't buy it, OK? My boss gave it to me.
MNCA: [upset] Oh, that's a good sign. Where did he get it? The Nifty
Nickel?
[Chandler goes back to the couch, Monica follows.]
CHAN: Relax. He had to get rid of it for his taxes. He said this place
makes thirty thousand a year. To him, that's a week's pay.
MNCA: [nervous] But... I have no clue how to manage a business!
CHAN: Come on, Monica... it's coffee. You make coffee. You pour
coffee. If you start getting low, you order more coffee. The
management thing is temporary, anyway... soon, we can move an oven in
here, and then...
MNCA: Oh my God! That's a great idea! We can add a full menu!
[GUNTHER comes over, behind the couch.]
GUNTH: [warm] Chandler, I just wanted to say congratulations, and I am
completely looking forward to working for you.
CHAN: Thanks, Gunther.
GUNTH: Could I have Wednesday off?
CHAN: [calm] Gunther... I kinda need you on Wednesday. Until we hire
some new help, I kinda need you here... forever.
GUNTH: Well, I hope you're not expecting me to wait tables 'til then.
I solemnly swore that after today, I would never carry a tray again.
[pause, somber] Don't make me break an oath.
CHAN: [sighs] Monica? Could you please be a waitress for a few days so
we don't upset Green Lantern over here?
MNCA: Sure, I get it. I should be the waitress because I'm the woman.
CHAN: No, you should be the waitress because you have a compulsive
cleaning disorder.
MNCA: [reluctant] Fine. [firm] But I'm not cleaning any bathrooms.
[Chandler looks at Gunther.]
GUNTH: Whoa... hey. I don't clean toilets. One of my New Year's
Resolutions.
MNCA: We're gonna need to find a waitress.
CHAN: Yeah. [to Gunther, sarcasm] Can you put an ad in the paper, or
did you give that up for Lent?
GUNTH: [unamused, walks away, mutters] Real funny, Seinfeld.
CHAN: [to Monica, sweet] Hon, if you don't want to wait tables, I'll
have Gunther do it.
MNCA: No.. it's OK. He's much better off behind the counter. [pause]
Away from people.
CHAN: [high spirits] So... what do you think? We own Central Perk! Can
you believe this?
MNCA: Well, it's a little scary... but... I guess we could use an
extra thirty thousand a year...
CHAN: [looks at her, swallows hard] Uh.... yeah... about that 'extra'
part... [laughs] you're gonna love this... [says it like a punchline]
I gave Doug my notice today.
MNCA: [wide-eyed stare, then] Why?
CHAN: Because he gave this little punk Brad a promotion after eighteen
months, thats why. I've been there ten years and the only promotion I
ever got was from flunkie to flunkie-in-chief. I had to leave, Monica.
That job was suffocating me.
MNCA: Yes, welfare is extremely liberating. How are we going to get by
splitting thirty thousand a year?
CHAN: Mon, don't worry. That was only Doug's estimate. We're gonna
advertise, we're gonna have you cooking... we're gonna turn this place
into a gold mine.
MNCA: [pause] But what if we fail?
CHAN: If we don't try it, we fail by default. We might as well take a
shot. [he reaches out his hand] Wanna take a shot?
[Monica takes his hand and looks him in the eye for a second.]
MNCA: [reassuring] I guess I shouldn't be worried. I mean... lots of
couples who own a business live very comfortably.
CHAN: More than comfortably.
[Chandler grabs a few sugar packets from the holder on the table and
proceeds to shake them back and forth. Monica
quickly grabs his hand and stops him from opening them.]
MNCA: Dear? You're cutting into our profits...
"Starring":
Chandler Bing...........MATTHEW PERRY
Monica Geller...........COURTENEY COX
Gunther Lockhart...JAMES MICHAEL TYLER
Karen Palmer.............TERI HATCHER
Sam Redman..............DREW BARRYMORE
Doug.....................SAM McMURRAY
Brad..................DAVID STRICKLAND
Written by
Dan Silverstein
Silverstein
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's bedroom. Chandler is rolled over on his
side, Monica is sitting up, stressed out.]
MNCA: And we need to put out flyers, and, maybe a frequent buyer's
club... and...
CHAN: Monica, we'll think about it tomorrow. Go to sleep.
MNCA: How can you not think about it? This is extremely important!
CHAN: If you stop talking about it, you'll stop thinking about it.
Let's talk about something else.
MNCA: Like what?
CHAN: Something even more important. Like the... female bonding in
Joey's room today.
MNCA: [feigned annoyance] Oh. Chandler, I don't want to talk about
that. It's gross.
CHAN: And yet... part of you felt compelled to join.
MNCA: [smiling] Not quite. But, you know, they wanted to ask me. Karen
thought I was a lesbian. Why would anyone think I'm gay?
CHAN: Like I said... every day, we have more in common.
MNCA: [turns out the light] Goodnight, honey.
[It's silent for a few seconds.]
CHAN: Just out of curiosity...
MNCA: [expecting this] Don't ask it, Chandler.
CHAN: What? You don't even know what I'm gonna ask!
MNCA: [looks at him] Yes, I do, I can see you starting to drool.
Chandler. Come on. I'd never do that.
CHAN: This morning, you said you'd never work at Central Perk. [pause]
Were they cute?
MNCA: [playfighting, gets on top of him] You're sick.
[The two start to kiss, and Monica runs her hands up underneath
Chandler's head. She stops. She pulls out another fake rubber breast.]
MNCA: [accusatory] I thought I threw this away.
CHAN: [searching for explanation] ...maybe they're... booberangs.
[She tosses it aside, and they start to kiss again.]
CHAN: By the way... we need a new sponge.
END EPISODE 1.01
--
j./When you cannot get a compliment in any other way, pay yourself one.
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