Magic Flame-Retardant Elixir :)
Carlotta
This is for any person who may find themselves intimidated by the
occasional, or sometimes frequent, flaming that occurs in your
favorite newsgroup(s).
If you are intimidated into not participating on the net, this is sad,
because it leaves you in the position of having to wait and hope that
someone else raises the same issues that you are interested in. Hiding
and waiting leaves you powerless to find answers to the questions that
you need to have answered.
But at the same time, participation on the net may seem risky. What I
would like to do is to show you a way to reduce that risk.
The first thing to remember about the net is that anybody can use it.
Anybody. Keep that in mind.
The second thing to remember about the net is that anybody can say
anything. Anything. Keep that in mind.
When Anybody can say Anything, the result is chaos. Flaming is one
example of chaos. So is lying, with its many variants (half-truth,
unbelievable presentation of the whole truth, outright fabrication,
and infinite variations on these themes). So is trolling, which is
deliberate baiting of others.
There are more subtle variations on chaos. There is no requirement
that a post be rational, for instance. There is no requirement that
people behave in a civilized manner. Nothing about the net enforces
respect for other people's views or feelings.
Anybody. Anything. Keep those in mind.
In a sense, the net is absolutely safe: it's just you, your keyboard,
and a piece of glass that has words on it.
Yet people do get hurt here. Not in a physical sense; at least for the
present, it isn't true that anyone can DO anything on the net. The
hurt I'm talking about is emotional hurt, and that is very real. Yet
it is possible to protect yourself. That's what I want to talk about.
The key to protecting yourself is to understand that your feelings are
your own, and that nobody else can affect them. People who haven't
learned this are vulnerable to emotional hurt from others, because
they don't know how to separate their own feelings from other people's
words or behavior. A summary of this kind of reaction is,
"When you _______, you make me angry."
The reaction-mode of this emotional model is plainly stated here: "You
make me angry." And yet the simple truth is that "you became angry."
The other person did not reach inside you and MAKE you angry; instead,
you became angry in REACTION to what that other person did.
Recognizing this, we can make a new summary of this interaction:
"When you _______, I get angry."
The difference is huge. You are no longer blaming the other person for
your anger. You have taken ownership of your feelings. You are still
angry, because you are still reacting to what the other person did.
Yet your anger is yours; the other person did not create that anger
inside you.
It is now possible to take this a step further. If anger is one
reaction, are there others? You can ask yourself questions: "Why did
this person do this?" "Did I do something that might have contributed
to this?" "Am I actually reacting to something else that happened, at
some other time?" "Do I care what this person thinks of me?"
In short, you are asking the question, "What's going on here?"
Depending on the answers to those questions, you might have other
reactions. Instead of being angry, you can ignore what the other
person did. You can be sad. Instead of turning anger toward the other
person, you may want to examine your own reaction. You may decide to
avoid further interactions with this person. You can even laugh.
This is the key to safety on the net. Once you realize that Anybody
can say Anything, but that it doesn't have to affect you, you are
safe. You still may not like some of the things that happen here, but
they can't hurt you any more.
It takes time to learn to think and feel this way, and it takes
practice. But you can learn.
What's happening here is that you are establishing boundaries. You are
saying, "I am responsible for what goes on inside my boundaries. I
will not let other people affect what goes on inside my boundaries."
When other people engage in obnoxious behavior on the net, they are
attempting to crash over your boundaries, and affect what's going on
inside you. You have the ability to say, "No. You aren't going to
affect what's inside of me."
Boundaries are different from walls. When we put up a wall, we are
hiding what's inside of us. We are taking the position that if people
don't know about something inside of us, they can't use it to hurt us.
(Walls take other forms as well, but that's another topic entirely.)
The problem with walls is that whatever is behind the wall is a
secret. Yet we form or join support or discussion groups such as this
one because we need to take these issues out into the open and talk
about them. We may need to do this for a variety of reasons; secrets
may hurt us too, or we may not understand them. But when walls are our
only protection, it's hard to tear them down and leave ourselves
exposed. It's especially hard when those secrets are painful ones.
Boundaries are an alternative. You can talk openly about yourself
across a boundary, and know that you are safe.
Boundaries are limits on what we will do to and for other people. The
best boundaries match the limits of our control. We cannot control
what others do, so we can set a boundary that limits us to not
attempting to control others. Few of us want others to control us, so
we can set limits that say, "I will not accept your attempt to control
me." Setting boundaries gives us back control over our own lives.
Because we set and maintain our own boundaries, boundaries free us
from meddling by others, and they free us to focus on our own
concerns.
Establishing your own boundaries is part of a whole. The other part is
respecting other people's boundaries. It's simple, really; if you want
others to respect your right to live your life as you choose, then
it's up to you to extend that same respect to others. What goes on
inside other people's boundaries is their business. If they don't
share some part of their life with you, don't ask about it. If they do
share, then it's up to you to learn how to talk about it without
stepping on boundaries:
1. Share your own experience. "I did _______, and it worked for me."
You can share another person's experience as well, but if it takes the
form of, "Everybody does _______," then you are becoming coercive.
Coercion is one of many ways of stepping on others' boundaries.
2. Ask without intruding. "How are things going with _______?" is not
intrusive. "Why haven't you done _______?" is intrusive; it is asking
someone to defend their actions.
3. Admit to a lack of knowledge or understanding. "I don't understand
about _______." gives the other person the option to explain. If they
choose not to explain, don't push; remember, it's their life, not
yours.
Remember that it's not your responsibility to understand why someone
else does the things they do. You aren't responsible for the results,
either; you aren't the one who has to live with their issues. Remember
that irrationality is often in the eye of the beholder.
We are only responsible for our own lives, and no one else is
responsible for anything in our lives. The same standard applies to
each of us. In most cases, that gives each of us as much
responsibility as we can handle. The only exception is that we do
sometimes take on certain specific responsibilities for others, such
as in the case of having children. But as adults, we are not
responsible for each other, and our interactions with each other will
proceed more smoothly if we remember that at all times.
What happens if you do get caught in the crossfire?
First, before you do anything else, remember to ask yourself, "What's
going on here?" Surface issues and immediate feelings may be
misleading.
It's OK to defend and maintain your boundaries. Silence is one way;
you don't owe anyone an explanation. Boundary maintenance is
essentially an internal matter; your boundaries don't depend on what
others say, think, feel, or believe.
You may choose to explain what you are doing, and also why (if you
want). Remember to stay within your own boundaries when doing this,
however; the fact that someone else has crashed on your boundaries is
generally not a good reason to go crashing back.
Boundary crashing is not good manners; it is perfectly OK to say,
"That's none of your business." If you say that, however, silence is
the appropriate follow-up. As long as you have not violated anyone
else's boundaries, you don't owe anyone an apology or an explanation.
If you have violated someone else's boundaries, confess and apologize.
You will not loose stature in anyone's eyes if you take responsibility
for your mistakes. You will loose respect from everyone if you refuse
to take that responsibility.
If the flaming continues, you can do your part to reduce the scope of
the flame war by not participating. You will not loose stature by
ignoring a flamer; most rational people recognize flamers for what
they are, and will ignore what they say about anyone else.
You may also choose to stand up for your right to a flame-free
environment. By standing up, you will almost certainly catch some of
the flames, so it is best to do this only if you are confident of your
own boundaries. It is also good to remain within your own boundaries;
it is OK to say, "I don't like this behavior," or to state your own
position--and to state it strongly, if necessary. It is reasonable to
say this once, but repeatedly defending your boundaries tells flamers
that your boundaries are weak. Flamers will target this kind of
weakness, instinctively, whether they understand it or not.
Remember that there is a difference between talking about behaviors,
and talking about people. It is OK to say, "I don't like this
behavior," but if you say, "Anyone who would commit this behavior is a
_______," then you are also flaming. You have the right to flame, of
course, but be ready to take responsibility for it, both by being a
target of flaming, and by admitting to your flaming.
When flames start distorting the truth, maintaining your boundaries
requires extra care. It is OK to say, "This is what I did" or "This is
what I believe." When you say, "'_______' is a lie," then you imply
that someone else is a liar. By implication, you have you have crossed
the other person's boundaries; you have discounted their view of the
world.
Flamers may not even realize that they are flaming. You have the
choice to ignore them, just as you have the choice to tell them. But
telling them more than once is rarely useful; people who listen with
their mouths do not understand how to listen with their ears.
Flame wars sometimes start by accident. One of the joys of human
language is its ambiguity, but that same ambiguity can also cause
problems. If you believe that you or someone else has misunderstood,
it's OK to ask for clarification. Then, having received or given
clarification, you can decide what to do next.
Finally, always remember that few flamers even understand the concept
of boundaries. Often, silence is all they deserve.
Is it possible to carry on an open discussion of sensitive topics in
the midst of a flame war? Yes, it is. You know whose opinions you
respect. You know which options are right for you. Ignore the rest,
and trust those whom you trust to ignore the rest also, at least where
it has any relationship to you.
Having said all of this, I must also say that it isn't always easy to
live by these guidelines. Always, it is important to admit to your
mistakes, to examine them, and to learn from them. Having done that,
it is time to move on with your life. Mistakes are past; you can
sometimes correct them, and you can always learn to avoid repeating
them. But you can't undo them, and it doesn't help anyone to beat
yourself up for them.
It takes time to learn to live this way. I can say that it has been
worthwhile for me. If you adopt this way of looking at the world, I
hope that it will enable you to participate safely on the net, and to
accomplish many other things as well.
As always, take care of yourselves.
Many thanks to those who have written to suggest improvements in this
document!
========================================================
Grazie all'autrice, Rossana e Carlo Fusco.
Carlotta
Il coraggio, più che l'assenza della paura, è la conquista di essa.
TT
wrote:
>
>This is for any person who may find themselves intimidated by the
>occasional, or sometimes frequent, flaming that occurs in your
>favorite newsgroup(s).
[cut]
>As always, take care of yourselves.
Dear Karl-eight,
quick...quick....(ampress....ampress)....
One domand.....is it stucchevol saggity? :-))
ciao
Carlotta
>One domand.....is it stucchevol saggity? :-))
Dipende,
se giudichi stucchevole quello che l'autrice scrive,
forse è perchè sei vittima della sindrome dello specchio anche tu,
se leggi attentamente,
come da manuale.
>ciao
Ciao
Carlotta
"L'argomento vincente per eccellenza è sempre l'amore". Gerry Spence
TT
wrote:
>
>Dipende,
>se giudichi stucchevole quello che l'autrice scrive,
>se leggi attentamente,
>come da manuale.
Trovo noioso leggere una ricetta sui modi di vivere, trovo ingenuo
compilare una ricetta reclamandola come il segreto di un modo giusto
di vivere una qualsiasi cosa: nella fattispecie la rete delle
relazioni umane di rete.
Esiste l'esempio prima della ricetta da seguire: piů autorevole,
efficiente, collaudato dai secoli.
Se tutto questo "ricettare" poi avviene con vago sapore d'oltreoceano
tutte le sensazioni di sopra si raddoppiano arrivando ad augurarmi che
quelli sarebbe stato meglio non avessero accettato Caravelle da
sconosciuti. :-))
Tranquilli loro...piů tranquilli noi.
Mi spiegheresti di cosa dovrei essere vittima ed in compagnia di chi?
Stefano De Cesari
> Grazie all'autrice,
Che non hai citato ancora una volta.
> Rossana e Carlo Fusco.
Che chissa' cosa hanno fatto per poter essere citati.
Oltretutto, come utente, gradirei che indicassi con un tag [LUNGO] i
messaggi di dimensioni abbastanza corpose, in modo da permettere agli
utenti di non scaricarli.
Grazie.
-Stefano
Carlo Fusco
> Che chissa' cosa hanno fatto per poter essere citati.
giuro, sono innocente!
--
Ciao, Carlo Fusco
Iron
wrote:
>
>This is for any person who may find themselves intimidated by the
>occasional, or sometimes frequent, flaming that occurs in your
>favorite newsgroup(s).
[cut]
>
>========================================================
>
>Grazie all'autrice, Rossana e Carlo Fusco.
ribadisco la richiesta di postare anche la traduzione per i non
anglofoni. Thank you.
>
>Carlotta
>
>
>Il coraggio, più che l'assenza della paura, è la conquista di essa.
Ciao
Iron
Quando il gioco si fa duro....
i duri cominciano a giocare!
(john Belushi)
Carlotta
<dece...@interfree.it> wrote:
>gradirei che indicassi con un tag [LUNGO] i
>messaggi di dimensioni abbastanza corpose
Va bene.
Carlotta
The only thing they can do with their venom is to flush it out on
other people. As a result, everything they say about you is a
reflection of their feelings about themselves.