To Kill a Computer – Not Strictly PC
Lucidly Dreaming
you want me to *ahem*, get rid of it for you?
I used to share a house with a bunch of friends. One of my friends, let’s
call her Tate, had a computer she was a bit fed up of. She had her eyes on a
lovely new laptop. She also had insurance.
One night, the devious Tate hatched a plan. She informed her insurance
company that her computer had suffered an accident and that it was beyond
repair. Her insurance company told her they would send out an engineer the
following morning to check it. There was a slight flaw in Tate’s plan,
although true, her computer was a bit rubbish, it wasn’t technically broken.
Tate was working away at the time, so she gave me a ring. “He’s coming in
the morning – I can’t get back…. you’ve gotta destroy it… you must!” – a
frantic Tate screamed.
After a couple of minutes, I managed to decipher what Tate was asking me to
do. Having put the phone down, I turned to our other housemate Alan, and
explained Tate’s plan to skank the insurance company into giving her a new
sleek laptop.
I couldn’t physically bring myself to destroy a computer. My dad used to
repair televisions, so I have been brought up with the ethos of ‘fix not
break’. That’s not to say that I ain’t broke a hell of a lot of stuff while
trying to fix them! Alan, who seemed to value computers as much as toasters,
instantly offered to do the deed.
A quick brainstorming session was held in our lounge to decide the way in
which Tate’s computer would meet it’s maker – the late, great, Hewlett
Packard.
The results were in. Death by wall.
Alan ceremoniously held the computer above his head as we walked down the
stairs. We were strangely excited. We knew it was wrong, maybe that’s what
added to the excitement. That and getting caught by the neighbours throwing
a computer against the wall of our house at 11:38pm.
We made our way outside to the back of our house. My morals were also being
metaphorically thrown against the wall. Alan stood facing the wall, arms
aloft, the computer glistening in the moonlight.
“Do it! Now Alan, NOW!!”
Just as he was gonna throw it, a lad came out from the kitchen of the
restaurant next door. Alan froze. The lad was taking rubbish out to the
bins. As the lad was going back in, he looked over at us, smiled, then went
back inside.
There was an almighty bang as Alan hurled the computer against the wall. We
quickily picked it back up and ran inside, hysterically giggling like a
couple of schoolgirls. Tate’s computer was rattling as we ran back upstairs.
We took it into the kitchen and plugged it in, just to make sure.
‘Windows was not properly shut down’
We had just thrown it against a brick wall and it’s only problem was an
incorrect shut down? Damn this computer was tough.
Another trip outside and another huge bang followed. This time, the case was
hanging off, wires had snapped and there was even a dirty big crack all the
way down the centre of the motherboard. Upon reconnection – nothing. This
computer is no more. It is a dead computer.
The next day, I had gone to work. My job entailed getting up extremely
early, so when I finished I would usually have a bit of a siesta. When I
went home, the engineer the insurance company had sent was in our kitchen
looking at the dead computer. I left him to it and went for a lie down.
After about an hour, I was woken by banging noises coming from the kitchen.
I got up and went to investigate. The engineer guy was hitting the case of
the computer with a hammer.
“Is everything ok?” – I asked, thinking he was taking out his frustration on
Tate’s late computer.
“Yes” – he replied, “Almost done”.
Almost done? The guy had only gone and fixed it and was now doing a bit of
panel beating on the newly resuscitated computer. He explained how a lot of
the other engineers the insurance companies send out, would have just wrote
it off straight away without even looking at it. He said he had done his
best to fix it for us – like he had done us a huge favour!
“Tate will be pleased” – I told him, “I must give her a ring”.
I rang Tate. “Great news Tate” – I said.
“Oh, has he brought me a new laptop?” – asked an excited Tate.
“Err…… He’s managed to fix it”
“Fix it? What the f*@#…”, she continued to scream.
“Yeah, I know. I told the man you would be pleased” – I said glancing over
at the man.
I thanked the man, telling him of how pleased Tate sounded on the phone.
What a disastrous outcome. Not only had Tate ended up with the same
computer, but it now had a battered looking case and she had lost her no
claims bonus. Needless to say, she didn’t ask us for any other favours.
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http://somewherenearwherever.co.cc
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Bill Penrose
<lucidlydream...@somewherenearwherever.co.cc> wrote:
...
> What a disastrous outcome. Not only had Tate ended up with the same
> computer, but it now had a battered looking case and she had lost her no
> claims bonus. Needless to say, she didn’t ask us for any other favours.
Thanks to the shock-resistance development done for laptops, it's a
lot harder to make a computer die than it once was. When I heard that
you could put a motherboard in the dishwasher to clean it, I gave up
any hope of destroying a computer for any reason. Even if you drove a
tank over it, the HDD would probably survive.
DB
john.ku...@sympatico.ca
Motorola has some stuff out that should survive a direct hit from a
thermonuclear device. And it can scan your credit card for easy
payment.
Jared
> Thanks to the shock-resistance development done for laptops, it's a
> lot harder to make a computer die than it once was. When I heard that
> you could put a motherboard in the dishwasher to clean it, I gave up
> any hope of destroying a computer for any reason. Even if you drove a
> tank over it, the HDD would probably survive.
Well, if you try to destroy it in a really _ineffective_ way, of
course you won't be able to. On the other hand, if you have a
screwdriver and a pair of pliers, it's toast.
john.ku...@sympatico.ca
I think the point was to make it look as if it were accidental. If you
microwave you laptop (cell phone etc...) it will be toast. No tools
required.