Praying and Waiting @ MD Anderson... again.
Tiffany Chen
I wish I had better news for today's update.
Anderson had a brain hemorrhage tonight. They told us that his tumor hemorrhaged and there's nothing else they can do. They're not sure if he'll make it through the night, or the next few days... but it's going to be soon. He's not responsive right now... but he looks like he's sleeping very peacefully.
I had a thought while I was talking to my parents and telling them the news. I shouldn't have added the "miracle of healing" request at the bottom of the medical requests. It's almost as if I put the least faith that God would do that so it was just and little blip at the end of a long list of tiny things He could do. I should have put the miracle of healing at the top of the list. You should always start with the most important things. My prioritization was horrible.
We thought about extubating him in the morning if he makes it... in case he had any last words...but the doc told us that it would be a horrible way to go if he was awake and alert... so we're not going to do that. We're just going to go back to praying and waiting.
In a way, I think I'm happy for him. He won't have to be imprisoned by his body for much longer. He'll be going to a better place. A place where he can run and talk and sing and dance. I'm sad too... but my heart doesn't hurt right now. Maybe it will later... but right now... it doesn't. I have peace that I don't understand.
He still has life in him so I will continue to pray for a miracle. And I'll make it the top priority this time. Please pray for us too. Thank you so much.
I don't have much else to say. I'll include the other 13 pages of Anderson's testimony and go back to holding his hand.
much <3,
Tiff
Anderson's Testimony & the Tifferson
story
as told by Tiffany Ng Chen
Begun on May 25, 2009
(page 2) Now when you hear people say, "he's perfect for me"... I think a lot of times that phrase is all wrapped up with emotions and infatuation. When I say that Anderson is perfect for me, he truly is. The way he is... is just perfectly in complement to me. The only reason why I didn't break his heart was because he never went out and told me he liked me before I was ready to hear it. Granted I had confused him a great deal, but he's a pretty patient guy and he never jumps the gun. It's a theme that will come back later... wait for it. :) Since he let me say that I liked him first, he didn't scare me off or drive me away. That being said, it took him a whole day after I told him I liked him, for him to say it back to me. I really didn't mind. He was my friend and I wasn't all nervous or hung up about it. And anyway, that was that. It was about May 5th around that time... might have been May 6th but since it's closer to cinco de mayo, we just count that as our dating anniversary. And yes, that means that we just had our 6-year dating anniversary a few weeks ago.
So here's where it gets slightly hairy. Anderson and I were in a dating relationship... but I was/am a Christian and he wasn't. I probably broke up with him at least... a few times a week for I don't know how many weeks. He recalls that I’d come over on Sundays and break up. He didn’t even know what he did. He calls it the “wake up, break up.” Honestly, I don't know why he kept taking me back. I know that I really just couldn't be apart from him. I really was drawn to him. Maybe he was drawn to me too. I always ask him why he kept taking me back and this is his cumulative answer... that he felt that I was worth it. He likes to say that he doesn't rush into anything and when it does it once, he does it right. I am his first girlfriend and his last. Anyhow, so we hit a rough patch already in our relationship with the whole Christianity thing. He came with me to AACF (Asian American Christian Fellowship) things... I might have dragged him to Friday night fellowship (yes, it was still TURF back then for you FCBC Walnutters) and I guess that's how he met Ted. I don't exactly know how they met, but I know that they hit it off. Ted's a great guy and he's more a friend than a pastor. Also, Ted is Taiwanese, which helped Anderson connect with him more since they have similar cultural background. So they began talking/emailing about Christianity. Anderson was interested... he said that I was the first Christian he met that really and truly believed in God and did what God said (even though I broke the rules by dating him... but I guess other than that... haha... he said that there was something different about me that made him really think about Christianity again). He said that he was open to it, but he didn't want to make a decision BECAUSE of me... he didn't want it to be the only reason he chose Christianity. It also was a hard time for us. Anderson was graduating from college and I was heading off to Kyrgyzstan for a missions trip for a month. So we both decided to go back to being friends. Good friends. So he graduated and went to Brazil to work and I went to Kyrgyzstan. While he was in Brazil, he emailed Ted a bunch of questions about Christianity to which Ted answered. Ted was able to answer all his questions and Anderson had no more excuses. He decided to become a Christian. So he prayed to God that night while he was alone in Brazil. Then he sent me an email telling me that he was a Christian now so that was the end of that dilemma. Email access was pretty sparse in Kyrgyzstan but I still got the message. I don't recall the date but it was sometime in July of 2003. So yeah... we didn't have to break up because Anderson became a Christian; the first miracle of our relationship.
Many of you might know/remember that Anderson
worked in Brazil
for a few years after he graduated. He would spend 3 months in Brazil and one
month in LA. He would work during the day and chat with me online at
nights while he worked on his store's website (http://www.pomona174.com/).
He only went to church when he was in the US so spiritual growth was fairly
slow, but steady. Throughout this time, we'd been learning more about
each other, keeping each other company, becoming best friends... but most of
all we learned how to communicate better with one another. We learned how
to tell each other what bothered us about one another and we learned how to
work those problems out together. Now I see that learning how to do that
for one another also helped us learn how to keep each other accountable with
things that pertain to our walk with God. Iron sharpens iron, So one man
sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17. That's what we learned to do for one
another.
Now... when I said earlier that Anderson is a patient guy and that he never
jumps the gun... well... he tends to wait on things sometimes and only change
it when he's forced to. One great big force that inspired change in both
of our lives was when Anderson started
experiencing vertigo symptoms after flying back to the US in the
summer of 2006. We had been dating for about 3 years. That
particular summer, he flew back, and then we went on a cruise with my family
right after that. When he got back from the cruise, he was feeling dizzy
and nauseous all the time. I totally thought it was vertigo from all the
travel. It was also his first time on a cruise. Things got so bad
that his father flew back from Brazil
to take care of him. I was in grad school at the time getting my master
of public health. One doctor after another said that it was vertigo, but
it wasn't getting any better with time. A few weeks had gone by and he
went back to the first doctor who suggested he get an MRI. I remember he
got that MRI done on a Friday... a day that I was at work and I wasn't checking
my phone. On the way home from the MRI center, they called him and told
him to get to UCLA medical center right away. So he went. I didn't
find out until hours later that he was at the hospital. I remember being
really upset at myself for not checking my phone all day. They told us
when we were there that Anderson
was to undergo emergency brain surgery to remove a very large tumor in his
cerebellum. I was speechless and was in tears the whole night. Two
25-year-old kids having to deal with the reality that death and separation were
not just things that happened to “other” people… it could happen to us.
We were heartbroken and said our "what ifs" all night
long. Both our lives were shaken to the core.
It was a horrible night for
us. The ICU in the old UCLA hospital, where
Anderson stayed
the night before his first surgery, was the worst I'd ever seen. It was
one room, 4 ppl smashed into it with no room for chairs for guests, barely
enough room to walk and stand next to him. All 4 ppl were suffering from
different conditions at varying stages of recovery. Anderson was vomitting all night long.
A few friends came by the hospital that night to encourage us. I think
that was the worst night of my life. We really loved each other, but I
don't think that our love was truly tested until that point in our lives.
Also, there was really no place for me to stay and wait with him in the
room. I stood next to him for as long as I could until they kicked me out
and then I waited in the waiting room. It was cold, the chairs were
uncomfortable, the automatic sliding door was noisy, and I had come almost
straight from work so I was in dress pants, a thin sweater and flip
flops. Cold cold cold. We were both emotional wrecks and also
physically uncomfortable.
Anderson
went in for surgery first thing Saturday morning. I think the surgery was
about 5 hours or so. A few people came to drop off food, to keep us
company, and pray with us. All in all, the surgery went very well and we
were all so relieved. I went up to see him first thing and he was talking
already. It was surprising. I imagined that he would be all wrapped up
and unrecognizable, but he looked like he hadn't even undergone surgery.
The incision was in the back of his head. I remember they even saved the
hair that they shaved off from the back of his head. Mmm... thank you, I
guess. He went back to the horrible ICU and was really sensitive to sound
and light. It didn't help that 4 people's monitors were beeping, 3 other
patients and their visitors were talking, someone had a radio on, and some of
the nurses were so insensitive or unaware about the special needs of a neuro
patient post-op that they just didn't care to take care. 3 days after
surgery, Anderson
was discharged from the hospital and we went home.
Recovery from the first surgery was remarkable… I’d
even venture to say it was miraculous. Anderson had to relearn how to walk, to
coordinate his arms and legs and fingers.
The doctors told us that it might take him a month to relearn how to
walk, but within a few weeks he was walking on his own. He recovered at
home for a month, then did radiation therapy at UCLA. His family drove him to
UCLA everyday for probably 6 weeks or so. After that he did chemo.
He was handling it all quite well. He wore a beanie for the hair loss,
but he was driving again... and he even started bowling again. His
recovery after his first brain surgery was the longest time in our relationship
that we'd ever been in the same country. We had a blast hanging out,
seeing friends. Anderson
served on leadership with me that year at church and he'd revitalized the
ushering and hospitality teams and even led a training session for the
ushers. I remember that Anderson's
first day out without the beanie was my graduation in the spring of 2007.
I was so proud of him. I'd also cut his hair too and I was proud that I
did a pretty good job with that. :P
Right after I graduated with my MPH, I went straight
into nursing school the next fall. Everything seemed to be going really
well until one day in the spring of 2008 Anderson
started to feel dizzy again. He stopped driving. We found out on
his next MRI that the tumor was starting to grow back in the same spot in his
cerebellum. We were devastated once again. Anderson's neuro oncologist immediately
switched his chemo. The following month the tumor doubled in size. Anderson's neuro
oncologist switched his chemo again, but the tumor was still growing.
During that time, UCLA was transitioning into moving patients from the old
hospital to the new building so they decided to postpone surgery until the end
of July 2008. Prior to surgery, Anderson
had to clear his blood of certain drugs to minimize the risk of bleeding so he
was taken off chemo for the month of July. Backing up a little bit to
about May/June 2008, Anderson
had been ring shopping with his parents and cousin. He remembers getting
so dizzy as he went to downtown LA to go shopping and finally to drop off the
diamond to be set into the ring he had custom made for me. He remembers
having to hold on to his mom as he walked through downtown.
The day the ring was done, his parents went to
downtown to pick it up. I heard later on that Anderson had wanted to plan something big for
our engagement, but since he couldn't walk or drive on his own, he didn't know
if any of that would be possible. I asked him recently what he would have
done for our engagement if he’d had more time.
He said he’d probably take me up a mountain and feed me. By mountain, he meant somewhere with a
view. He said he’d feed me because you
should always say yes on a full stomach.
He said that was all we needed… just us, a nice view, and good food. That would have been nice. Prior to our real engagement, he had been
working on a scrapbook for me for weeks. I had actually found the
scrapbook he bought for me a while ago. I thought it was for his sister
Kelly's baby (she was pregnant at the time) because it was a really cute polka
dot scrapbook with a baby on the little window on the front. He just let
me think it was for Kelly until the day he proposed. That particular Monday,
I remember that I had gone to his house to hang out right after going to the
gym... (if you're Anderson's facebook friend, his profile picture is of our
engagement day... and that's why I'm wearing what I'm wearing...trust me, I
definitely would have wanted to be wearing something a little nicer than my
gross gym clothes and a ponytail for our engagement day pictures...).
That day, we had been talking and crying and really just struggling with each
other about the regrowth of the tumor and the upcoming surgery. It was a
pretty heart wrenching night for us... but after crying it out, we decided to
pray about it and almost instantly we were flooded with peace with our
situation. It was at that time that Anderson
decided to propose to me. He got down on both of his knees and gave me
the scrapbook and asked if I would make him the happiest man on earth by being
his wife. We were already crying earlier but now our tears of mourning
had turned into tears of joy. :) Another miracle in our
relationship.
Telling people we were engaged was such a joyous time
for us. It was also a horrible time for us because people would also ask
when we were going to get married... and I'd have to say that I have no idea
because now wasn't the time to prepare for a wedding... it was time to get
ourselves ready for Anderson's next surgery. Telling our story again and
again to people who asked was bittersweet, but more sweet than anything
else. I was so happy that after over 5 years of dating this dude, he
finally popped the question (and I loved the ring, of course). I had
serious doubts about when this guy was EVER going to propose after our 3rd year
of dating. He's the type of person that doesn't like to be pressured
about the future and I'm the type of person that likes to plan things out in
advance. We both had to learn to accommodate each other, but I learned
patience and faith more than anything. Through Anderson, I learned how to release my control
freak tendencies and be patient with him. Anyway, back to our
engagement... I remember Anderson
saying that regardless of what happened during the surgery, that he wanted me
to have the ring he bought me because I deserved it and so much more. I
don't know about that, but that's what he said and that's what he keeps
saying.
We were both a little more prepared going into the
second surgery since it wasn't emergent like the first one. I think we
rented a room at the UCLA guest house the night before and stayed there.
We went to the hospital and cried a little here and there during the pre-op
time... but then a few of our friends came and it cheered us both up. I
started the Anderson Updates facebook group during the time Anderson was in surgery. I think I
might also have been working on care plans for nursing school since his surgery
fell right before finals week in summer school. I had worked it out with
my professors that I would come in to campus one day and take all my finals all
at once. I remembering working on one pediatric care plan in the ICU
after Anderson
came out of surgery. It was actually a decent time to do homework since
he was knocked out and it was really quiet in the neuro ICU at UCLA. By
God's grace, Anderson
made it out of the surgery and I got A's in my 2 classes.
The recovery from Anderson's second surgery was a much rougher
one. He woke up with double vision, slurred speech, his right hand and
leg was uncoordinated and his left leg felt hot all the time. He wasn't
getting better as quickly as the last time. The disappointment from his
seemingly lack of progress in his recovery threw Anderson into some depression, deep
frustration, and his parents found that their patient and pleasant son wasn't
so patient and pleasant anymore. I don't think they quite know how to
deal with him to this day. He wouldn't get out of bed all day long and
his parents brought him meals in bed and left right away so he wouldn't yell at
them. He was able to talk to me during this time so I understood why he
was so frustrated. He kept comparing this time with the last time and he
was just so frustrated that he couldn't do the same things anymore. He
stopped writing because his right hand became uncoordinated. He'd used up
all his patience with himself and his slow recovery that he had none left for
anyone else. He didn't want to see anyone or even want to leave the
house. He only left the house for doctor’s appointments. He also
didn't want to leave the house for physical or occupational therapy
(PT/OT). He rationalized that since he didn't need them last time, why
would he need them this time. Case management at UCLA also never got in
contact with us after about a few days after he went home from the hospital so
I don't think Anderson
got any therapy after the surgery and that was the time that he really, really
needed it.
It was also a hard time for the two of us. I
struggled with how to be there for him. He struggled with his recovery. I
think the thing he struggled with the most was the double vision. He hated how
people stared at him with the patch on... especially rudely unaware Asians in
our area. He was so frustrated with it... I really didn't know what to say
after a certain point. One day I just decided that enough was enough and I was
going to drag him out no matter what. I also convinced him to do physical
therapy at home even though that kind of physical therapy wasn't exactly what
he needed... but at least it was something. Anderson had only been walking around the
house and to the backyard so making him go out was a big deal. Slowly but
surely, he gained confidence in going out and we were able to do things together
outside the house again. He did pretty well with his physical therapy,
but it wasn't specialized therapy since the only equipment he used was what the
lady could carry with her inside the house and she took it all back after she
left. Things were starting to get a little better. Anderson was open to having a men's small
group meet at his house so he could hang out with some guys without leaving
home. He started coming back to church and he was allowing people to come
visit him a few at a time. At this point, I think it was sometime around
the end of 2008.
Backing up to March of 2008 (a time when Anderson was
still feeling good, before finding out about tumor regrowth... he had gone back
to Brazil
to work), there was some turmoil going on at our church, FCBC Walnut.
Long story short, Pastor Ted, the same one who was so instrumental to leading
Anderson to Christ, left our church a few months after that and went to pastor
another church a few miles away. I can't remember the exact date he left,
but I do remember thinking that it was the worst and possibly the best thing
that could ever happen to our church. I was really hoping for a revival
at church. The turmoil had stirred up a whole lot of stuff that had been
brewing for years and years and things were finally coming out into the open.
I was hoping that God would use that time to really spur change within the
church body. But, from my own perspective... I couldn't really see a
whole lot of change. Anyway, more on that later... Pastor Ted's first day
preaching at his new job at EFC Walnut was in early July 2008. Anderson
and I were newly engaged at that point, but he hadn't undergone surgery
yet. A group of us from FCBC Walnut went to support Ted at EFC Walnut
that Sunday... and that day I ran into my old elementary school friend,
Allison. I found out she was going to nursing school and she found out
that I was in the middle of nursing school. Allison had also recently
found another old friend of ours from elementary school through Yelp...
Mark. I had recently found some old elementary school pictures I'd
scanned so I sent them to Allison and tagged her on the pictures on facebook.
We found Mark on facebook too and since Mark has the memory of 10,000
elephants, that was the beginning of facebooking with our class from Stanley G.
Oswalt Elementary School. All the
facebooking snowballed into the Oswalt Eagles c/o '94 facebook group and a trip
down memory lane for all of us former eagles. We all facebooked each other
pretty frequently and had laughs about all the old pictures that people dug
up. I think we had a reunion at Creekside
Park sometime in November
of 2008. Mucho fun for me. Anderson
was still recovering at home at that time.
Needless to say, Anderson's
recovery period was definitely not a time for wedding planning. I had
gotten some free bridal magazines here and there, but that's about it. I
made a few lists of ideas and I'd gone to a few places to try on dresses, but
that was the extent of my wedding planning. Anderson had really wanted to get married
after his double vision went away and after he had a full recovery so we put
off setting a date for a later time. We still kept in contact with Pastor
Ted and had dinner with his family monthly. We had already known from the
first few years we were dating that if we got married Pastor Ted would
officiate. We had our grand ideas of getting married at Dodger stadium...
and we shared those ideas with Ted during our chats after dinner. Those
were precious times because Ted was able to ask us tough questions and help us both
work out our issues with our parents, with each other, and with our life
situation. Those chats after dinner were pretty significant in both Anderson and my growth as
individuals and as a couple. Ted was able to meet with Anderson here and there just the two of
them. I have no idea what they talked about during those times, but I'm
sure it was good stuff.
So Christmastime 2008... lots of family reunions and
bringing/dragging Anderson
to my family functions. I had finished up my pre-licensure coursework in
nursing school and had just gone to my pinning ceremony (a type of graduation
for nurses). Anderson
went and finally met my nursing school friends that I talked about so
often. Good times. December had passed and I was taking my NCLEX
(nursing licensing exam) review course during the first week of January
2009. Halfway through the review course, I got a voicemail from Anderson asking me to
call him right away when I could. So during breaktime, I called. He
told me that his latest MRI showed that the tumor was growing again. I
don't know if he was torturing himself or what, but he asked the doctor how
long he would live. The doctor said that at this rate, if he does no
treatment, he gives him 6 months to live. That day of that phone call was
the 2nd worst day of my life. Actually... I'm not sure if this day or the
night before the first surgery was worse but it's pretty darn close. I
dropped out of my review course and went to Anderson's house. We cried and cried
and cried. We fell asleep from emotional exhaustion, we woke up and we
talked. We decided that we wanted to get married and we wanted to get
married fast. That day was Wednesday, January 7, 2009. We had a
meeting with our parents, Pastor Ted, and a few other friends that night and we
decided to get married on Saturday, January 10th. We envisioned that we'd
just get married with our immediate family in the backyard of my house... maybe
20 people, very minimal, no flowers, no decorations, no frills. Just the
basics. I thought that everything was pretty clear and decided.
Thursday during the day, we went to Norwalk
to get our marriage license. Getting the license was pretty much our only
goal for the day. Some time after we'd
gotten the license, I get a call from my parents asking me if we meant this
coming Saturday and to come home that night to talk. I was pretty darn
sure that we had decided on the backyard wedding on Saturday. My parents
thought that we meant A Saturday, but not THIS Saturday.
After some deliberation and some compromise on both sides, we decided to move
the wedding from our backyard to a medium sized room at our church (called the
PC) so we could accommodate my family (which is pretty big) and a few more
guests. My mom was also really concerned about the dog poop my brother's
dog leaves all over our backyard so moving it to church seemed to remedy that
dilemma. My dad tells the story from their perspective at the 2009
Valentine Dinner. Video is available from FCBC Walnut A/V staff.
So, we went to bed on Thursday night thinking about a
slightly larger, but still small wedding of maybe 50 people. We had asked
a friend of ours to photograph it and also to help buy Anderson a wedding band on Friday. We
asked another friend to video it and from our perspective, things were looking
good. My mom had called Pacific Palms Resort and asked if their buffet
could accommodate 50 people for dinner Saturday night. They said that
they could do it. So, that was that. Wedding dinner, check.
Location, check. Photographer, check. Videographer, check. Family on
board, check. What to wear? Anderson
would just wear a suit and I would wear this cream colored knee-length
extremely simple and plain silk cowl neck dress that I'd bought a few months
back but hadn't worn yet. Not my ideal wedding gown, but it seemed fitting for
a small wedding in a small room and seriously, what could you expect out of one
day's wedding planning?
Friday morning, I wake up to my mom's phone call
telling me that she called Pastor Wilson at church and they've moved the
wedding to the biggest room at our church, the Cantonese congregation was going
to cater the food, and that we could invite everyone we wanted because the
decision was made to make our wedding open invitation. My heart skipped a
beat and I think Anderson
might have been sleeping still, but I woke him up soon after that call and we
both started inviting people. He went down his address book on his cell
phone and started calling people inviting them to our wedding. I mass Evited
everyone I could think of... including my newly reclaimed elementary school
friends. I really never thought I’d be eviting people to my wedding. I’d joked
about it before, but never in a thousand years would I have thought that it
would be my reality. As I was checking my gmail, I looked to the left at my chat
list and saw that Christine Tsoi Loo was online. BINGO! I chatted
with Christine and asked her to PLEASE HELP ME COORDINATE THIS WEDDING.
She had gotten married in the same room at our church less than a year ago and
she was gracious enough (and somewhat crazy enough) to agree to help. And
then I got a call from Auntie Sherry. Now Auntie Sherry is a really
special lady. She's the only person in the world who calls me Mei Mei
(which in Chinese means little sister). I'm usually not a little
sister. I'm the big sister. I take care of everything and
everybody, but this time, I was going to be the little sister and let Auntie
Sherry take care of me. I relinquished almost all of my control over this
wedding to Auntie Sherry (who has a background in event planning), and who also
renewed her vows with her husband a few years back. I don't know the
specific details about what she did, but her phone was basically melded into
her head from the moment Pastor Wilson asked her to help plan the wedding to
way after we'd gone to sleep Saturday night.
If I could show you the dress I was going to wear and
if you could juxtapose it with the dress I actually wore, you would see how
Auntie Sherry was like my fairy godmother turning me into Cinderella for a day. She transformed my made-in-China silk dress
into designer European silk. I really
can’t thank her enough for lending me her wedding gown… and I’m also thankful
that Auntie Sherry and I are almost the same height and our husbands aren’t too
tall. But most of all, I’m so thankful
for the unity and the love that our entire church expressed for us through
making our wedding a reality. Many
lovely ladies and diligent men worked long and hard at a moment’s notice so
that Anderson could just stay at home and he didn’t have to worry about the
wedding at all. His cousin recently got
married and gave all his groomsmen matching suits so the grooms party already
had something to wear. I think he spent
all of Friday making calls to his friends and to Pacific Palms. That’s about it. My Friday was a little more busy, but
honestly, I hardly had to take care of anything. I even had time for a mani/pedi with my bridesmaids and my mom. Everything came together perfectly and we
have no One else but God to thank for our miracle wedding.
The day of our wedding was the happiest day of our lives. Some of you asked why I burst into tears when I turned the corner to walk down the aisle. The culmination of everyone’s labor of love for us and the love of my life standing at the end of the aisle hit me right then and hit me really hard. It was an incredibly moving moment and I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. Every time I think about that one moment I get a tear in the corner of my eye. The best wedding gift that all of you gave us was our wedding. Thank you for coming and I apologize to any of you who felt that maybe we had put you at the bottom of the guest list. Some guests found out only 2 hours before the ceremony so if you found out any earlier than that, I’d say you were pretty much the first to be invited.
Now, the collaborative effort that everyone so willingly, eagerly, and graciously sacrificed of themselves in the days surrounding our wedding was nothing short of God’s glory manifested when His church body functions as ONE. I had never ever experienced anything like that before and I think that it was evident to everyone that this wedding was something special. I don’t think Anderson or I ever expected what we received and although he constantly tells me that he should have married me earlier… we both recognize that had he done so, we never would have had our priceless miracle wedding.
Many lives were touched through our wedding and I truly think that God used our wedding to start the revival we so desperately hoped for at FCBC. We are incredibly moved by the prayer and love that so many of you have devoted to us. Words cannot express our gratitude for your sacrifice and discipline. Somehow, I think that maybe the revival is not quite complete and perhaps that is why God has allowed Anderson to continue to suffer from the tumors. Anyway, I haven’t even gotten to how God has worked in our lives and had been taking care of us since our wedding.
K, so… after the wedding, I decided to take a break from school and job searching and just support and take care of Anderson full time. Maybe God knew that this was what I needed to finally take a break from academia. Who knows. Either way, I was happy to give up this part of my life for my husband. I never thought that I would ever give up a career for marriage, but when put in the situation, it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. We devoted all of our free time to looking for the best treatment options for Anderson. UCLA wasn’t giving us many options, nor did his neurosurgeon want to undergo surgery again, so we decided to look on our own.
Previous to this 3rd recurrence, Anderson’s family had wanted to keep a low profile on his health condition. They’re not the type to put their business out there for everyone to see. The search for new treatments was basically done by his dad and Anderson himself at home online. After the wedding, we both worked super hard to find new treatments, contact neuro-oncologists, try to enroll in clinical trials, and network as much as possible. I had never used a fax machine so much until I became a Chen. We also put it out to all our friends and family to help us look and we didn’t take anyone’s suggestions or advice for granted. I have a google spreadsheet with at least 30 doctors/hospitals that we’ve made contact with since January 2009. It was a frustrating time for us because trying to get a hold of Anderson’s records was so time consuming and slow-moving, especially since we NEVER get to speak to anyone directly. We always have to leave a message and they’ll call us back on their time. Anderson became extremely frustrated because he felt like he had so much to do and no time to do it in. I remember quite frequently having to stop everything we were doing to remind him that we do our best and let God do the rest. Sounds trite but it’s so true in our case.
Now, that brings me back to why reconnecting with my elementary school friends was so significant. One of my friends, Mark, has a brother who used to work for Dr. Hamid, a neuro oncologist in LA, and we were able to make an appointment with him. Anderson had been interested in M.D. Anderson Cancer Center for a long time and when we had mentioned that to Dr. Hamid, he told us that it was such a coincidence because he was going to fly to Texas to meet with his colleagues at M.D. Anderson the next day. We asked him to take Anderson’s case to his colleague and ask if there was anything available for him, treatment-wise, in Texas. We were particularly interested in a clinical trial for a drug called Delta-RGD-something or other done by Dr. Lang. We had tried getting in contact with them on our own, but with very little success. So Dr. Hamid was able to take Anderson’s case to M.D. Anderson and he kept in contact with us via email and phone calls while we waited for their response. It took a few weeks for someone to contact us, but when they did, it wasn’t Dr. Lang, it was Dr. Weinberg. He had told us over the phone that he saw Anderson’s MRI and his records and felt that he would be a good candidate for the laser thermal ablation therapy they had recently started using at M.D. Anderson. We were surprised because we hadn’t even asked about the laser trial and we’d never even heard about it. After that phone call, we researched the laser thermal ablation on our own and also contacted Visualase, the company that manufactures the lasers, and were able to get a LOT of our questions answered at that time. It was everything Anderson was looking for. It was minimally invasive, it had a quick recovery time, it got rid of the tumor, and it was cutting edge technology. We hadn’t even been looking for this treatment so finding it was certainly of no credit to us; we recognized that it was God’s work in our lives. This breakthrough came probably a month after we’d been searching long and hard with very little results.
M.D. Anderson took a while to get back to us. When they did, they gave us a tentative date 2-3 weeks from that time for mid March. During that time, we were researching other institutions that also provide the same treatment. The Visualase CEO was able to arrange for us to send our records to a hospital in Minnesota who also was doing the laser treatment. The CEO (or some one else pretty high up there) told us that we’d be able to do the treatment by the end of the week, pending scheduling confirmation by the hospital’s surgeon. So we decided to make the preparations and go since they were the one who offered treatment the soonest. Kelly bought the plane tickets and we were almost getting ready to pack up to head out to cold, cold Minnesota. The next day, we called Minnesota and they told us that they wouldn’t be able to fit us in for another week after the M.D. Anderson appointment. We were pretty disappointed, but in the end, it really worked out for us. We were able to cancel our flight to Minnesota and we made preparations to go to Texas instead.
Anderson’s laser thermal ablation was scheduled for March 18th, 2009. We had pre-op workup and appointments starting 8am March 17th. So we arrived in Texas on the 16th and got ourselves mentally prepared for the appointments on the 17th. We met Dr. Weinberg straight away and we were so impressed by him and how he took the time to explain everything to us and make us feel comfortable with him and with the procedure. During the time of Anderson’s physical assessment, Anderson mentioned that he had headaches that came and went. The headaches, coupled with a tiny area of enhancement in the frontal lobe on Anderson’s latest MRI persuaded Dr. Weinberg to get Anderson an MRI that night, prior to surgery. So we did the MRI that night at maybe 8 or 9pm and went back to the hotel. When we got back, Dr. Weinberg called and told us that the tiny spot on the last MRI just a month ago had grown to a tumor of over 3cm in diameter today. The laser therapy could only be used for tumors no larger than 2cm so the laser therapy was out of the question. Dr. Weinberg presented the idea of taking out the frontal lobe tumor by surgery, the old fashioned way… a craniotomy. We weren’t thrilled about the tumor, but we were glad that Anderson could get it out so quickly (remember that UCLA had postponed Anderson’s 2nd surgery for months because of their renovations).
The next day, we woke up early and got to the hospital. Dr. Weinberg had called us so late at night (maybe 11pm) that the paperwork and the nurses had no idea about the change to the surgery. He explained to us that he would take care of the laser therapy first (to the cerebellar tumor), and then if Anderson tolerated the procedure ok, he would proceed to the craniotomy to remove the 3cm frontal lobe tumor. So we went to the surgical waiting room and waited, not knowing whether our wait would be a couple hours or more than 10 hours if everything went as planned. Every 2 hours in the waiting room, there were nurses who called us over to hear updates on Anderson’s surgery. We were thoroughly impressed by how caring the hospital and their staff were. It was night and day compared to UCLA and how they treated us. Volunteers come by to talk to you if you need, they bring you tea, coffee and snacks every few hours. There are chairs all over the place and there are puzzles out on tables, a library with books for people to read while they’re waiting… there’s just so much about M.D. Anderson that shows you that they really listen to the patients and the families about what would make the process easier. We were so glad that we ended up at M.D. Anderson. They are truly world class and the number one place to go for cancer treatment.
We waited for 15 hours in the waiting room until we were finally able to talk to the doctor. He told us that Anderson handled the surgery really well and that he was able to get all of the frontal lobe tumor out. He also said that it was a good thing that they didn’t use the laser on the frontal lobe tumor because the tumor had wrapped itself around a really large blood vessel like a bead on a string. He had to cut the tumor out in pieces but was able to save the blood vessel. He said that if the tumor had been any smaller and they had used the laser, they would have destroyed the blood vessel and he would have been paralyzed on his left side. It was such a blessing that the timing of the surgery fell on that particular day and that Dr. Weinberg was so willing to do the emergency surgery at 11pm the night before.
After the surgery, Anderson recovered fairly well although his vision was a little bit unstable and he had to relearn how to walk again. He was really responding well to Physical and Occupational Therapy (PT/OT) and the results of his evaluations showed massive improvements with only 2 weeks of therapy. Anderson also started his radiation therapy pretty soon after the surgery. He also seemed to be handling that well with pretty minimal fatigue. He was doing so well that Anderson’s parents had agreed to go back to LA and leave us to take care of ourselves in Houston. They were extremely reluctant to go, but they also acknowledged that we needed some time to ourselves. We hadn’t been on our own ever since we’d gotten married back in January.
Things were going well and Anderson was even walking a little on his own. He’d gone from the wheelchair to the walker to the cane and we were all so proud of his progress. During our time on our own, we went to the market, we went to Target, we yelped a whole bunch of restaurants and tried them… and we also cooked at home. We had a blast just hanging out with each other and living together as husband and wife. He always says “did you know life was going to be like this after we got married?” and I always say “of course I did”, and he says “well why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have married you when I first met you” and I always say “yeah right, slow poke, you never had the guts” and it goes back and forth like that until we get tired of that conversation.
Anderson was doing really well physically… and then one day on the last week of radiation (around May 13th or so), he said he started to feel dizzy and unstable. He stopped using the cane and started using the walker again. We thought it could have been the effects of radiation finally catching up to him. It wasn’t toooooo bad. He just took a nap in the afternoon and he was OK by nighttime, but we tried contacting the radiation oncologist to ask him to move up his MRI from 6/7/09 just in case. His doctor moved it up to 5/27/09 and I guess that was the best that he could do so we left it at that. We didn’t think too much of it at the time. By the end of that week (May 15th), Anderson had finished radiation and we were getting ready for our first week without appointments. FINALLY, a week of rest! We were living on our own for a week and a half by then. My parents and my aunt had been planning on visiting us on Memorial Day weekend (a week later) so I was trying to buy enough food and make preparations for them coming. I cleaned the bathroom a billion times (darn that dirty grout), I put the towels nicely on the rack, arranged some soap and shampoo in the little basket on the bathroom counter. Everything was ready for them by a week before they were coming. Sunday night (May 17th), I remember us thinking about what we were going to do during our first week of vacation from appointments. We really didn’t have many plans. We decided that we might go watch Star Trek in the theater and I was going to look up where the movie theater was. Sometime during the weekend also, maybe Saturday or so… Anderson told me he was having back pain. I am hyper paranoid every time he tells me he feels strange so I badgered him with 20 questions trying to figure out what the pain was from. From what he described to me, it sounded like muscle pain. It wasn’t unusual because he had been working out in PT and he also lifted some weights at home so it seemed to be a reasonable conclusion. I told him to let me know if it got worse, but if it was muscle pain it should go away in a few days.
Monday morning (May 18th) we get a phone call, letting us know that our radiation oncologist had scheduled an MRI of brain for Anderson that afternoon instead of 5/27/09. We were a little surprised, but we did want the MRI sooner so we went. Tuesday morning, 9am, we were back at the hospital for a follow-up appointment to let us know the results of the MRI. The doctor told us that there were some significant changes in the cerebellar area since the latest MRI. He did say that the frontal lobe area (that was recently radiated) looked really excellent. He said that there is an area that could be necrosis, could be tumor, but likely necrosis and he recommended surgery to clean out the dead tissue. He made us an appointment to meet with the neurosurgeon the following Tuesday (May 26th). We were supposed to hear more about the surgery and make a decision at that time. So… Tuesday…we’d already been to the hospital twice on our two days of our “free week”. So much for “vacation”. We had woken up early to get to the appointment in the morning. Anderson was pretty tired and so was I, but I decided to try to just stay up and run some errands and then sleep early that night. Anderson was so tired that he wanted to stay home to take a nap. So I went to Costco, got gas, bought food to stock up for my parents coming, and I went to bed bath and beyond to buy us some tempur-pedic pillows with our wedding gift cards (thank you to all 6-7 of you who gave us bed bath and beyond gift cards… that’s what we ended up getting). I also ended up getting Anderson a new electric shaver for his birthday gift. I decided to give it to him when I got home (May 19th) even though his birthday isn’t until June 27th… because what was the point of hiding it from him when he could use it right now?
By Tuesday (May 19th), his back pain hadn’t gotten any better. In fact, he was complaining even more and he would tell me he’d do the dishes, but then when he went to do them, he said that his back hurt too much and asked if I could just use the dishwasher. I would have used the dishwasher anyway, but if my husband wants to do the dishes, who am I to refuse? Also, on Tuesday, he told me that the sides of his chest feel kind of funny. He really couldn’t describe what it felt like... he said it felt kind of numb but he could still feel it when I touched him. He just said it felt weird. I told him maybe it would go away, but just let me know if it gets worse. I massaged Anderson’s back before we went to bed and by 12am, we were in bed sleeping on our tempur-pedic pillows. I was exhausted. At 2am, he wakes me up and tells me that he feels numbness across the top of his chest. At that point, I felt like telling him to sleep it off. I was SO tired… if we had a baby that was crying and we had to choose who had to get up, I would have made him do it because I was so tired. But he was worried and so therefore I was worried. I had told him at 12am that if it had gotten worse, we’d go to the emergency room at M.D. Anderson. It was 2am, May 20th, and it had gotten worse so I decided that we would just go. He was also pretty reluctant.
It’s a short drive to the hospital… and it’s even shorter at 2am. We left the car with valet and went to the emergency center. I figured that we’d just be there for a couple hours, get checked out and be back in bed by 5 or 6am. I didn’t really pack anything, we just went. We were admitted pretty quickly and things seemed to be going smoothly. We even ran into a chaplain that we met while Anderson was in the ICU last time and he went with us to the emergency center (the EC) and kept us company. After an hour, we’d already seen the doctor. In fact, we’d seen the doctor even before the nurses had come around to start the IV. I thought that my plan to be home in a few hours seemed reasonable… until after we had been waiting 4 hours to get the results of a chest xray (which I know only takes like 10 minutes). The nurse just kept telling me that we had to wait for the results. I was so tired at that point that I didn’t want to argue much. After maybe 4-5 hours had passed, the doctor comes by to tell us that the chest xray was negative and that she wants to do a chest CT to rule out pulmonary embolism (PE). So we agree. We find out a little bit later that the 22 gauge IV that the nurse started was too small for the contrast dye for the CT. SO, the nurse comes by and sees that the IV is the wrong size and without even taking a look at Anderson’s veins, goes to call the IV team to start the IV. I guess she was busy and she assumed that since he had the 22 ga that he was a hard stick (that’s nurse slang for someone who has difficult veins), but I didn’t appreciate that. It took another hour for the IV team nurse to come. She got the IV right away. It took another hour after that for transport to come get him for the CT. The CT also didn’t go very smoothly. The CT nurse told us that the IV team had put in the wrong IV size, yet again! Anyway, she was able to use that IV but she had to wait until the doctor had cleared it, which took even more time. We had been awake for a really long time at that point. I think it might have been 9 am already and we’d already been there for 7 hours without sleep and without food. I also didn’t bring Anderson’s steroid medication because I thought that we’d only be gone for a few hours so we had to get a doctor to order him a steroid, which took even longer. All in all, we were both pretty darn miserable… but Anderson most miserable of all. He was more agitated than I’d ever seen him. By the time we were done with the CT, we went back to the room and just had to wait for the results. The doctor came in and told us that she wanted to do an MRI of the spine because both the chest x ray and the CT had come back negative. Anderson was barely holding on at that point, but he agreed to do the MRI. So they took him up to MRI at 12pm. That’s 10 hours we’ve been in the Emergency center and over 27 hours that I had not slept. I don’t know how, but I kind of got a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wind at that point and I was feeling almost OK. I decided to wait in the EC room and watch TV and do a craft while I waited for him to get back from the MRI. At 1pm, someone comes to the room and tells me to go upstairs to MRI. My heart stops. I barely get directions from the guy and make it through the maze to MRI and I find Anderson almost standing on his stretcher with a urinal… relieved that I’d arrived so that I could help him pee. OMG. I got mad at him for making me worried but in the end, I understood why he wanted me. There was only one curtain there separating him from the hallway and the elevator. There was only one nurse there trying to get the patients ready for the MRI and I know my husband. He doesn’t want the nurse… he wants his wife. He was probably waiting there for a while before he wanted to pee and once they gave him the urinal, were probably offering him help that he didn’t want. He was glad to see me and he peed a little while I was there. Right after he peed, he decided that he had enough. 12 hours waiting around and all they did was two 20 minute procedures, he hadn’t slept all night, he hadn’t eaten at all because they told him not to eat before the CT, they never delivered his lunch since he was out of the room at that time, and now that he was going to get the MRI, they made him wait another hour (at least) and he wasn’t even going to the MRI yet. The spinal MRI would take an hour and a half and he said he simply couldn’t handle it anymore. He was shaking, his legs were weak, he was agitated beyond belief. He wanted to go home.
We went back to the emergency
center room and Anderson
was determined to go home to eat and sleep.
The nurse practitioner came and tried her best to convince him to stay
and get the MRI. We told her that we’d
been waiting for 12 hours and only had a chest xray and a chest CT done and
asked her if that was normal. We couldn’t believe it when she said yes.[this is where I stopped... I don't know how long you'll have to wait to hear the rest of our story, but it will come... eventually.]
Tiffany Chen
Anderson's actually more awake today than yesterday. I saw his eyes. He squeezes my hand, and we were able to hug here and there.
We decided to stop his treatment. No more labs, xrays... and he's now a DNR... which means if his heart stops, they will just let him go. We decided that if it's his time, we weren't going to prolong anything. The ventilator is already prolonging his life. He's no longer initiating his own breaths. His heart and blood pressure and oxygenation are still OK for now.
It was an emotional day for all of us, but not necessarily a bad day. Still a miracle day. Still another day to praise God. Another day to plead for a miracle for tomorrow.
I miss my best friend. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss him so much. So so much.
no more words...
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
Anderson is even more awake today than yesterday. He was actually calling for me (with his hands) and when I came, he brought me close to him and held me. It felt really good. I also don't know if it's my imagination or not but.. his lungs sound better to me today. Last night I climbed into his bed and I laid down next to him. I was feeling really sad and lonely last night and I figured... who cares... he's my husband.. I'm just gonna lay down next to him for a while. I wanted to sleep, but his lung sounds were rumbling so loudly that I really couldn't sleep. I laid there with him for a while. I might have fallen asleep for a little bit, but being pushed up against the hard railing got a little uncomfortable so I moved to my chair-bed and fell asleep. Anyway, today when he held my head to his chest, it didn't sound as bad as last night. I dunno. I dunno what it means or if it changes anything at all. Just something I noticed. Maybe God's encouraging me in a small way to let me know that He's still there... not to lose faith or hope.
I was tired today. Just tired. I kind of begrudgingly read through today's devotional. When I got to the end where they have some questions for you to answer... I did them, but not with much motivation at all. It said to read James 1:2-4 and answer the questions below. So I read it and I think where another woman's thoughts failed to reach my heart, the Word of God was able to penetrate.
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
The first time I read it, I read it in NIV. It uses the word joy. Consider it joy. To consider... is to think about. Think of it as joy. Think of it as ultimate happiness. When I think of joy, I think about how I felt on my wedding day. Think about our situation right now, being confronted with Anderson's death, as the same joy I felt on my wedding day. That's not just hard, it is impossible...
Next, I thought about how the verse says that these tests produce perserverance. True, true. And that I need to let the perserverance do its work. Don't rush it or try to prematurely end it. I think when we thought about extubating him... it was to end it all. Kelly's not comfortable with extubating anymore and I think after reading this verse, neither am I. Also, another wise woman sent me an email letting me know that when her husband and their family were considering pulling the plug on their mother... they didn't even have to do it. God took her and they never had to make the decision. We're coming to the end, but it's not the end yet and God doesn't need my hand or any one else's hand to do what He wants to have done.
In the other version (NASB) it also says to let perserverance do its work so that I would be perfect and complete... lacking in nothing. The NIV says mature and complete... and again, lacking in nothing. Not deficient in any way. Complete. Perfect. Mature. Whole. When it comes to something like this... I definitely do not feel as though losing him would make me perfect... whole. I feel like it would break me apart, tear me down...destroy me.
Yesterday's Bible study commentary said, "Experience has taught us that most of us are prone to view our problems based on our human abilities. But, throughout the Bible, we are taught the absolute necessity of relying on the Word of God to reveal His will for every problem and every situation — without exception. Through daily Bible reading and prayer, we obtain the insight to guide us to fulfill all His promises"
Definitely. True. Relying on my own thoughts, perspective, and the human limitations that taint them, James 1:2-4 cannot be true. But I have faith, from God, that it is true. That it is a promise, sent from God to me, to give me hope. Not necessarily the hope that Anderson will walk with me out of this hospital, but hope that, no matter what happens, that I will not be destroyed. Hope that what God's promises us is true... that His plans are for GOOD. That He will never leave us. That He is always there. That He cries with us, He hears us when we call to Him. That He loves Anderson so much more than I love him that in comparison, my love is like hate. If His love for us is that strong, and if I know how to give Anderson good gifts and the best of me, how much more will God give to His beloved child, Anderson Chen. If God can take care of the birds and the lilies that come and go, how much will he take care of us? And if a judge or a stranger in his house, will give someone what they ask for after repeated, repeated entreaties... how much more will our loving God give to us after our repeated pleas?
I don't know what will happen. I know that God tells us to keep asking. He already knows, but He wants us to ask. To ask with full faith. Faith, not in what I think can happen, but faith in the God that can make the impossible happen. Faith that He knows what He's doing. Patience to wait for it. And while we're waiting, to never stop praying and never stop asking.
So I know that a lot of people are praying... maybe you already are and have been... please don't stop praying with us for a miracle. And thank you so much for journeying with us.
He's still mostly awake. Everything's pretty stable. I'll keep you all updated as things change.
<3,
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
Anderson hasn't woken up much today. He's been asleep/resting/unconscious pretty much all day.
We're going to speak to the ear/nose/throat doctors to talk about switching him to a tracheostomy. Instead of having a tube going down through his mouth, it would be a hole/tube in his neck. It will hopefully make it more comfortable for him to breathe without the stuff on his face holding the tube in his mouth in place. We'll have to get the details and whether or not he can handle the procedure tomorrow.
We did a lot of waiting today... for doctors to come. Not much excitement.
Waiting on God is a discipline. It's not easy. It's not easy for all of us... to stay focused on God and not on what we perceive will or will not happen.
He does seem to have a little fever today, but his lungs sound pretty clear.
Continuing to pray & wait...
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
I will let everyone know how it goes.
He did wake up a little bit tonight. He opened his eyes and held my hand. :)
<3,
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
Tracheostomy procedure is scheduled for tomorrow at around 3pm. Everything is still stable. He woke up this morning and he was responding to me by hand signals. :)
I really don't know what the future holds. You know how sometimes... you don't KNOW what will happen, but you can see yourself at the next step... like you can imagine yourself graduating from college, or grad school... I didn't know I would be a nurse, but I could see myself doing it. I didn't know when Anderson and I would get married, but I knew it would happen eventually. I have absolutely no idea what our future holds. I can't see or imagine anything with the two of us. I can see myself going back home, finishing school, finding work as a nurse... but Anderson's future... to me... is a huge foggy haze. I don't know what that means. Or if it shows unbelief or faithlessness on my part.
I feel like I have this conversation with God a lot lately. I ask God... "why is he still alive? his tumor has taken over his entire cerebellum, his brain hemorrhaged, his body has failed him... why God? If you're going to save him, please save him. If you're going to take him, please take him. what are you waiting for? is it me? am I supposed to be doing something? is it others? are THEY supposed to be doing something?" I don't have an answer yet. All I hear is "pray and wait".
Only God knows the plans He has for us. All I know is that they are plans for good and not evil, to give us our future and hope. I trust in that.
Is God speaking to YOU in any way about our situation? Anything that you feel that God is impressing on your heart to do? Just wondering... maybe you have some insight into our situation that I don't.
<3,
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
patience...
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
He tolerated it well, nothing remarkable happened. Everything's stable. He's back up in his room, resting now. :)
Thank you for praying!!!
<3,
Tiff
Tiffany Chen
Sorry it's been a few days since I last sent an update. It was a bumpy weekend for me and my thoughts were all over the place... and nowhere at the same time.
UPDATE: PTL again that Anderson got through the tracheostomy OK... but he hasn't woken up since. His vital signs are stable and he is no longer on any blood pressure medications. He's still oxygenating well on the ventilator. He looks a lot more peaceful now that he doesn't have the tube in his mouth. I like to think that he's catching up on months of sleep that he missed out on. For once, I get to watch him sleep. He's such a light sleeper normally that he's almost always the one who watches me sleep. Well, well, well... how the turn-tables... (for The Office fans)...
I feel myself starting to babble so you can stop reading right here if you want. Don't expect anything awesome below. In fact, this may be one of my ugliest and most randomly honest email updates. They're my thoughts and my struggles. I'm getting chicken again about pushing send.
Friday night, I found myself on the couch at the apt after my shower... crying. My dad offered to spend the night at the hospital so I could sleep at the apt. I agreed. It was the first night I spent away from him since we got married. I cried a lot. I slept in until about 10am. I laid in bed, nearly incapacitated, crying and sleeping on and off, until 6pm. I let myself give in to depression. It was surprisingly easy to just lay in bed and stare at the TV, fall asleep, wake up, cry, stare at the TV...and let the hours go by... until it was time to go back to the hospital. When I saw him again, I laid on his chest and cried on him. I didn't sleep much Saturday night. Woke up and went to church with my parents, got bbq for lunch, got lost in Houston trying to find Walmart, went back to the apt, cleaned up and now I'm back at the hospital.
I don't know if what I felt was true depression or just overwhelming sadness and then mentally checking out for a day. It was like I didn't care what was going on around me, I just wanted to lay there, stop moving, stop thinking, stop everything. The thought crossed my mind to get up and do something, but I didn't care to get up and do anything. K well. That was that. I'm glad my parents were there with me.
Today, I feel a lot better. I still feel... a lot of the times... that my exterior is blank and dull, but on the inside, I'm screaming in pain. I try screaming when I'm alone, but I open my mouth and no sound comes out. Only tears fall out of my eyes. I want to wail outloud but I can't. Being away from Anderson... wasn't good for me. I like being here with him better than being in the apartment while he's in the hospital. Crying on him feels different than crying on anyone else. I had a dream last night that he was talking to me. He was confused and wanted me to explain to him what was going on. I had a dream a few nights ago where he came to talk to me, but it was him in high school, not the Anderson I know. He said that I could ask him anything. I don't remember if I ever got around to asking anything. It was just weird seeing high school Anderson in my dream. I've only seen pictures of him in high school.
So, I have a question. Has God ever spoken to you, through scripture or in any other way... and then kinda... changes gears on you? I know I'm not supposed to hope in what I want. I just feel like the stories of Gideon, Job, and King David really spoke and are continue to speak to my soul. Gideon's story in that God told him to send the majority of his soldiers home so that when God gave the Israelites victory... it was undeniably God's hand and not anything to do with man's power/effort. Job's story in that God told Satan that he could take everything from Job, but spare his life. And also King David's story to fast and pray and plead, because maybe God would show mercy on him and his child. Does God reveal these things to me to get me through the moment and not through the entire situation? I can't think about how many countless others have been comforted by Gideon's, Job's, Lazarus's stories... and then to have God grant victory in heaven and not in the land of the living. Maybe the point is that the victory is promised and already in the works and not necessarily an earthly victory.
I am really just (intellectually) baffled at why/how Anderson is still alive. I know that the ventilator is the main medical reason why he's still breathing... but he hasn't had any antibiotics, lung treatments other than an occassional suctioning, no electrolyte replacement. My nursing brain has been waiting around for a cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heart rhythm) to come up on the monitors, but other than occassional tachcardia (fast heart beat), he's got sinus rhythm. Maybe it's developing and they just aren't telling us. I don't know. No antibiotics means that he could develop a really bad infection, and get septic. There's just so many ways. Since we're not doing labs anymore, we won't know until it kinda just hits us. The surgeon said the brain hemorrhage could cause death the night it happened or maybe take weeks. It's hard to sleep knowing that it could happen at any moment. I have to continually reset my mind so I'm not focusing or worrying about these things.
K... enough babbling. I'll end soon. Today at church, the pastor talked about relationships and friendships. He mentioned the verse about how the devil lurks about, waiting to pounce and devour you. Then he showed a video from Africa about how 2 lions were attacking a buffalo (or something) and it looked like it was all over for the poor buffalo. But then, a herd of buffalo came together and started to stampede around the buffalo and 2 lions and it ended up that the herd drove away the two lions and saved that buffalo. My mom and I were talking about it in the car and we were both encouraged by that story, and by all of you, herding with us to save my buffalo under attack.
Please continue to herd together with me to protect buffalo Anderson and plead for a miracle of complete healing.
I am constantly and continually in awe at how faithfully so many of you are praying for Anderson. If it were me and I was just reading about someone else's situation, I could definitely see myself just skimming these super long emails and saying a quickie prayer and then forgetting about it until the next update... and then start the whole cycle over again. Maybe that's what you do and I don't hold it against you. My struggle is my own and I can't ask anyone to feel it like I feel it or to pray hard as if it were your own husband or loved one that you were interceding for. Maybe YOU are sick or you have someone close to you who is sick and you feel like, why should I pray so much for them when they don't even pray for me. Maybe you feel like I'm all wrapped up in my own little world and can't see the big picture that life goes on for everyone else. One time I was crying and someone said to me, "no matter how bad you think life is, it's only going to get worse". It was true to an extent. It was hurtful. but it was what she thought and I don't think there was any malicious intent behind it. I know it sounds like such a downer, but I am not oblivious and I know that not everyone always reads and always prays. I don't pray every single moment that I'm awake... I'm not disciplined to that point yet.
I'm just so very much aware and appreciative at how truly blessed we are that we are still getting encouragements from so many for so long. Thank you for loving us. Thank you SO SO much. Especially for those of you who don't know us or haven't met us yet... words cannot express my gratitude for you and all you've done for us... and continue to do.
k. I'll end now.
<3,
Tiff
Pictures:
- Anderson at 24.5 months with his cousin Belle.
- Our nephew, Brandon, who is now 14 months.
- They don't look exactly the same, but there's a lot of resemblance. And a lot of cuteness.
Tiffany Chen
Not too much has changed since yesterday. His heart rate and blood pressure are lower now... in better range than yesterday. Still no response.
Prayers continue for Anderson and a miracle of healing. Praises go up for his heart rate, oxygen saturation, and blood pressure. He's still stable. Some twitching more than normal. Don't know if it's voluntary or not. Some small things... staples in his abdomen from the shunt... looks a little reddened. I cleaned it and put some bacitracin (I think that's the hospital equivalent of neosporin) on it. The doc's going to examine him completely soon. Updates on the results later.
Thoughts continued from last night:
One of the things that Anderson and I used to do was... late at night... when either he was dropping me off or I was dropping him off... a block or two before we'd get to our houses, we'd take our foot off the gas, let the car just cruise slowly, roll down the windows and yell at the top of our lungs: "I LOVE ANDERSON CHEN" and "I LOVE TIFFANY NG". Sometimes we'd do it at the same time and try to be louder than one another. We even did it in Houston a few times. Sometimes if there were people around or if we were too chicken to yell with the window open, we'd just yell in the car. It always made both of us happy. I tried it the other night when I was driving home from the hospital. I couldn't yell. I tried saying it as loud as I could, but it wasn't very loud. It made me cry. I feel like half of me is gone. My strength, my smile, my happiness...my heart.
I was feeling like I was falling apart.. melting away... tried calling my parents but they were still on the plane... then I remembered I hadn't yet read the Bible today... so I did. This is what I read today:
14 The LORD upholds all those who fall (even if I don't feel it... God is upholding me)
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.
18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
20 The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
21 My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever. (from Psalm 145)
I am struggling. REALLY struggling. Like in that passage from the book by Greg Laurie... how grief is like a wave... I was feeling crushed and like I didn't know which way was up anymore. I barely slept last night. Not just from being emotional, but also because of that monster Texas-sized ice tea that I had... and the refill.
Slowly pulling myself back together. Today, my friend and I started reading Proverbs together. All the well-known verses seem to speak to me right now. Like from Proverbs 3: 5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
And I'm reminded of my own words a few weeks ago... about trusting in the voice of the good Shepherd... even through the valley of the shadow of death. It's so dark, I can't see what's ahead of me... and it feels as though my footing is unsteady and I'm growing weak and faint...I'm afraid to move because I'm afraid to fall. I'm just so so sad. I feel like I can barely breathe. Like all the good parts of me are wasted and gone. Like I forgot what it feels like to be happy... to laugh with my whole heart. Like seriously... my heart is not functioning... it's broken. I feel like I'm nearing the point where I cannot go on any longer.
and then He speaks... "and now, my child, is when I carry you."
<3,
Tiff
P.S. I really relied heavily on my family last night to get me through the night. I'm glad that they're only a phone call away. Even Anderson did something to uplift me yesterday (in a way). He had written an e-card months ago and set it to deliver today, 7/20/09. I was so excited to receive it. :) He reminded me to rest and to smile because when I smile, he smiles. I'm not sure when he wrote it... if he thought I'd be stressing out from schoolwork or if he knew he might not be able to talk to me at this point in our lives. Either way, it was God's timing and another reminder that I'm not as alone as I feel.