The Mad Clergyman stageplay.

[Nico]

Enacting a raving clergyman was rather hilarious, and it produced
pieces of information and an ending I had never before uncovered.
Strangely enough, at one moment, Trip and Grace wanted to see me out,
but I somehow talked them out of it... Let us pray the Lord.

FACADE STAGEPLAY
Fri Feb 01 22 00 23 2008

TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE
What for?

TRIP
That should be obvious!

GRACE
Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP
Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

(Ted knocks on the front door.)

(Ted knocks on the front door.)

TRIP
Uhp, he's here!

GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

TRIP
No, he's supposed to be here now!

GRACE
Trip...!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Ted!!

TED
Good evening my son

(TED comforts trip.)

TRIP
Hey! It's been too long, man! -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Ha ha, hi!

TRIP
Wow, it's really really great to see you.

TRIP
So come on in!

TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TED
Hello my daughter

(TED comforts grace.)

GRACE
H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE
And, I've got to say, you look really good!

GRACE
Well, come on in, make yourself at home!

(Trip closes the front door.)

TED
Have you praised the Lord today ?

GRACE
What? No, I'm fine, we're fine, everything's fine...

GRACE
(clears throat)

TRIP
So! Drinks!

TRIP
What would you like?

TRIP
We should have something fun,

TED
So you've said your prayers

TRIP
like a cosmopolitan?

TRIP
Uh, well, you know what, I'm just going to make you a cosmopolitan.

GRACE
No no,

TED
I'll have wine please

GRACE
Ted, maybe you'd like just a simple glass of white wine?

TED
Yes I will have some wine

TRIP
Oh yeah, that's even better!

TRIP
Alright! That's what I wanted to hear! It'll just take me a short
minute here.

TED
For this is his blood

GRACE
So anyway,

TRIP
(quiet humming)

GRACE
(little sigh) You know Trip, he gets such pleasure from making fancy
drinks for everybody.

TRIP
Grace, I know what you want, but I'll ask anyway... what would you
like to drink? -- (interrupted)

TED
Pride !

TRIP
Well, I was just going to ask Grace what she wants.

GRACE
Um, I'd like a simple glass of Chardonnay, thank you.

TRIP
Ah, Chardonnay, certainly.

TED
Pride ! Confess your sins !

TRIP
Wha... uh...

GRACE
Oh, Trip, he's just teasing you... It's good, we all need that once
in a while.

TRIP
Heh heh ha ha ha ha, ha...

TRIP
Alright Grace, your drink is ready.

(TED picks up a Grace's drink.)

GRACE
Thank you.

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

GRACE
So, Ted, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong
with my new decorating, ha ha.

TRIP
Oh, Grace, let's not do that.

TED
Are you proud of your decorating

TRIP
You know what I'm just going to put this on the bar for you.

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

GRACE
Yeah, the layout...

GRACE
So, about my decorating...

TED
Pride is a deadly sin !

GRACE
(little sigh) With -- (interrupted)

TRIP
See, I told you he would like it! There's nothing wrong with it.

GRACE
(little sigh)

GRACE
(little sigh) So I tried for a certain kind of style in this room...

GRACE
but it is clearly just not happening. This is a mess.

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

TRIP
uhh...

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

TED
Seek and you shall find

TRIP
See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's
nothing wrong with it!

GRACE
Trip, I can't explain it, but this room is just not working, okay?
I'm going to return what furniture I can, and redo it all.

TRIP
Oh Grace...

TRIP
(little sigh) Somehow I knew you'd say that.

TED
Confess your sins !

GRACE
(big sigh) -- (interrupted)

GRACE
What?!

TRIP
Grace, it's fine, you know how our friend can sometimes like to
tease, that's all. -- (interrupted)

TED
Greed

GRACE
Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

TRIP
Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...

GRACE
Trip, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing in front of our friend --

TRIP
We're NOT disagreeing.

TRIP
We're -- we're -- we're not disagreeing.

TED
Confess your sins ! Wrath !

GRACE
Ted, I don't... what --

TRIP
Ha ha, you're really trying to get on Grace's good side tonight,
aren't you? heh...

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

(TED sips his Grace's drink.)

TRIP
He's just probably teasing you, Grace.

GRACE
(small sniff) (little sigh)

GRACE
Well... it didn't take long for you two to... bond, or whatever...

TED
You've been cheating on Grace

TRIP
Oh, Ted, I thought you might like this photo I just put up from
our recent trip to Italy.

(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)

GRACE
Uhh, it's a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course
he'll like it!

TRIP
Grace, I know you don't like it, but our friend might.

TED
Lust ! Confess your sins

GRACE
I'm really enjoying this get together, really, I am. (frustrated
sigh)

TED
Envy is a deadly sin

GRACE
By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like.

GRACE
Ted, this is making you uncomfortable. See Trip, was it really
worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane
picture? -- (interrupted)

TED
Did you cheat on Trip

TED
Confess

TRIP
You...

TRIP
You think...

TRIP
Grace is cheating on me...

TED
Yes ! Confess !

TRIP
Ho ho ho, ha, heh you're -- you're really joking around tonight,
aren't you, ha ha ha...

GRACE
Ha, yeah, ha ha...

TRIP
Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... --
(interrupted)

TED
And the Lord shall forgive you

GRACE
Um, well, hold on, hold on... (clears throat)

GRACE
Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me
out a little bit?

(TED puts down a Grace's drink.)

(TED picks up a player's drink.)

TRIP
Ahh, this is bullshit!

GRACE
Ahh, no, you're full of shit!

TED
Wrath is a deadly sin

GRACE
Thaw me out...

TED
Repent !

TED
Repent !

TRIP
Uhh, uh, can you, can you -- can you just...

GRACE
Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to
manipulate me!

(TED sips his player's drink.)

(TED sips his player's drink.)

(TED sips his player's drink.)

TRIP
(little impatient sigh) Ted, I...

TED
Confess Trip !

TRIP
(frustrated sigh)

GRACE
Oh, and you...

GRACE
I can predict what you'll say...

GRACE
You've been critical of me all evening!

TED
Confess your sins !

GRACE
Look, at this point, criticizing me is just going to make it really
really bad!

TED
And the Lord shall forgive you

TRIP
These goddamn... explanations...

TRIP
You're never satisfied with anything! You're never happy, never ever
satisfied with anything.

TED
Confess your sins ! Maria !

GRACE
Oh, my God...!

GRACE
God, what did you say? I... am cheating...

GRACE
Ted,

TRIP
Oh, Jesus...!

GRACE
Okay, I see you obviously think we're all screwed up, that we've got
issues, is that what you think? We're all screwed up?

TED
Yes ! Confess !

TED
You shall be forgiven

GRACE
Alright, you know what, Ted,

GRACE
I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace --

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

(TED sips his player's drink.)

(TED sips his player's drink.)

(TED sips his player's drink.)

GRACE
Ted, yes or no...

GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't you try to help the other person get what
they want?

TRIP
What?

GRACE
I mean, marriage is supposed to be about what -- (interrupted)

TED
Yes !

TRIP
What...?!

TRIP
Oh, okay... sure...

TRIP
Uhh, I try so hard to reach out to you, Grace, and you reject me!
You're cold! You're distant! I can't keep going this way, it's
killing me!

TED
Love is all !

GRACE
Oh, don't even...!

TED
Repent !

GRACE
Uhh! Yeah, good, go away!

GRACE
I don't want to look at you!

GRACE
Oh, God!!

TED
Confess your sins !

TED
Lust

GRACE
Oh, okay, you're criticizing me now?

TRIP
What? Are you talking about me in there?

TED
Wrath !

GRACE
What do you care?

(TED sips his player's drink.)

(TED sips his player's drink.)

GRACE
Ted, we're not normally like this, I don't know what's going on...

(TED puts down a player's drink.)

GRACE
uhh...

TED
You have erred

TRIP
Ted, from what you said before, about saying yes... I think that
tells us something about Grace.

TED
You are lost ! Confess to me

GRACE
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

TRIP
What?

TRIP
Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can
just -- -- (interrupted)

TED
Maria ! Confess !

(TED picks up a Trip's drink.)

TRIP
Heh, hey... heh heh heh, hey, no no no, don't -- don't try to... don't
-- don't to try accuse me of -- of -- of anything with Maria...

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

GRACE
Oh God...

TED
You cheated Grace ! Confess !

TRIP
No -- no, no, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Yes?

TED
Repent !

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

GRACE
Uhh...

TED
Beg for the mercy of the Lord !

TRIP
Yes?

GRACE
I can't... this is not... Ted, this... oh god...

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

GRACE
Uhh...

TED
Confess !

GRACE
No, wait, I can't... I need a minute to... uhh...

TED
Confess !

TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

GRACE
You know, I... uhh... I really don't have anyone to talk to...

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

TRIP
Grace...!

GRACE
Heh, my so-called 'friends', they're just jealous of -- (interrupted)

TED
Talk to me

GRACE
Oh, Ted, thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all
this out in the open...

TED
Confess you sins ! Both !

GRACE
Look, at this point, criticizing me is just going to make it really
really bad!

TED
Let us pray !

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED sips his Trip's drink.)

(TED puts down a Trip's drink.)

GRACE
No let's -- let's focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE
You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'!

TRIP
What...?

GRACE
Trip, it is such an act!

TRIP
Oh my God... Ted, what... uhh...

TED
Hypocrisy ! I knew it !

TRIP
Grace, I'm not 'acting' when I'm being romantic... God damn...!

TED
Confess !

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TRIP
Ted, what, is there something I should do?

TED
Yes !

GRACE
Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship. -- (interrupted)

TED
Confess your sins !

GRACE
Alright... look... Ted, we're fine, nothing's changed... we'll
see you out.

TED
Confess your sins !

GRACE
Alright... look... Ted, we're fine, nothing's changed... we'll
see you out.

TED
Repent !

TED
The Lord will forgive you !

GRACE
No, let's switch to talking about Trip.

GRACE
Ted, every time Trip is unhappy he rushes out and buys some new
gadget.

TRIP
What are you talking about? You're always buying stuff...

TED
Gluttony !

GRACE
Trip, you're the one who's -- (interrupted)

TRIP
See Grace, as usual you're making something out of nothing...

GRACE
Uhh...

GRACE
Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

GRACE
Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and
fine wine...

TRIP
You think I'm not good enough...!

GRACE
I never said that! I'm saying there's more to you than all this...

TED
Are you proud of yourself ?

TRIP
Yeah, I -- I have good taste...! I know about... mmm... wines... and
stuff!

GRACE
Ugh.

TED
Pride ! Envy ! Gluttony !

GRACE
Let's talk some more about us, our relationship.

TED
Lord protect these sinners !

GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to
me...!

TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't listen.

TRIP
Ted, I'm not telling -- (interrupted)

TED
Wrath is a deadly sin !

TRIP
No?

GRACE
Ah, you disagree, see, that really helps us... See, Trip, you've
always been this way, from the moment you proposed to me...

TRIP
Uhh...

GRACE
Why can't... uhh...

TED
Were you virgins before wedding ?

GRACE
Look, if we're going to talk about marriage, all I can say is, it
doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.

TED
Confess !

(TED sits on the couch.)

TRIP
No, no, look, marriage is -- uhh... is this great thing that everybody
does, to be happy! It can turn out just fine!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

(TED gets up from the couch.)

TRIP
No, I want us to focus on Grace.

GRACE
You know, Trip is always hinting that I'm... I'm some kind of... cold,
distant person...

TRIP
Uhh...

GRACE
But I'm not!

TED
Are you ?

GRACE
See, the thing is, it just depends on who I'm with!

TRIP
(frustrated sigh)

TED
Sloth !

TRIP
Okay, I'm sick of this bullshit!!

TED
Go on

TRIP
Ted, I know what you're hinting at...

TRIP
about us...

TRIP
about our marriage...

TRIP
Do you two want the truth? Huh?

TED
Yes ! Confess !

TRIP
Grace, huh?

GRACE
Yes...!

TRIP
See, Ted, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying
tonight.

TRIP
You've been pushing me tonight.

TRIP
And I wonder, are you really my friend or not.

TED
I love you my son

GRACE
Trip!

TRIP
Ted, Quit interrupting me, let me finish!

TRIP
Ted, come on -- yes or no...

TRIP
Do you really think that...

TRIP
criticizing Grace...

TRIP
asking if we're okay?...

TRIP
criticizing me...

TRIP
and worst of all,

TRIP
suggesting that I'm cheating on Grace...

TRIP
but especially what you said about saying 'yes' to the other person...

TRIP
that we'll somehow realize something about our marriage?

TED
Yes ! Confess and repent !

TRIP
Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?

TRIP
Is it? Just give me a yes or no.

TED
Yes my osn

TRIP
Right.

TRIP
Grace...

TRIP
uhh...

TRIP
I forced you to marry me, didn't I.

TRIP
When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve,
and...

TRIP
I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no.

GRACE
You manipulated me.

GRACE
And I never did anything about it.

TRIP
Yes.

GRACE
And here we are.

TRIP
uhh...

TED
Lust ! Sloth ! I knew it !

GRACE
uhh...

GRACE
Oh my God...!

TED
Repent ! Let us pray !

TRIP
Wait, Ted, Grace, there's more...

GRACE
More?

TRIP
Grace...

TRIP
uhh...

TRIP
I've been having an affair.

GRACE
Oh my God.

TRIP
It's over now, though.

TED
Repent ! Lord forgive him !

GRACE
But how could you --

TRIP
(big sigh) with the client, in, uh, Barcelona.

GRACE
Maria.

TRIP
I was lonely, Grace.

TRIP
But, but, I -- I regret it, I really, really regret it.

TRIP
uhh...

GRACE
uhh...

GRACE
Oh my God...!

TED
The Lord shall forgive you

GRACE
Ted, I, uhh...

GRACE
This changes everything...

TRIP
Yes, it does change everything.

TRIP
I think it's over.

GRACE
Trip, what --

TRIP
No!!

TED
You cannot divorce

TRIP
It's over, Grace, can't you see that?

TED
It is a sin

GRACE
Wha... You just told me --

TRIP
I just told you something about us I should have said a long time ago:

TRIP
I manipulated you into marrying me...

TRIP
And no, Ted, please...

TRIP
And about me...

TRIP
I cheated on you. I betrayed you.

GRACE
Trip, I --

TRIP
No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's -- it's not
about you...

TED
Beg for the mercy of the Lord !

GRACE
Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!

TRIP
And no, Ted, please, it's -- it's okay...

TRIP
Ted, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks.

GRACE
Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE
Trip!!

GRACE
Oh my God...

GRACE
I should have told him that...

GRACE
I could have told him that...

TED
Let us pray together !